need advice re cheating dh

[keelybooboo]

in march my world was shattered when i found out my dh was having an affair with a work collegue

after a lot of soul searching i decided that i wanted to stay in the relationship and i'll hold my hands up to my faults - i know i'm not blameless

whats troubleing me now is that 6 months on his efforts to be better/more loving/attentive seem to have died off

i don't believe for a minute that the affair is still going on but i just don't get some things

examples - i bought the shirley glass book 'not just friends' and went on and on about how brilliant it is and how much it has helped me but yet not once has he ever picked it up and looked at it

he admitted to unprotected sex - i said i wanted tests done for both of us he said he'd sort it but nothings been done

got a couple of bunches of flowers after hints but the last one was a good 2 months ago

i think i'm worried that we went through this 'hysterical' bonding that i've read about and i felt amazing and like a love sick teenager and now what i'm feeling is reality and i don't like it?

thnks for reading ths far, any advice would be appreicated

[sheba2288]

Also wanted to say that my H was also reluctant to get STI tested. I gt myself done first & then he got his arse in gear. I thought of myself first & foremost on this. I needed to know that I was healthy enough for my DCs. Listen to the others, get yourself checked out.

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

It's not that he hasn't done enough - he hasn't done anything.

He seems to have placed all the blame with you and just allowed you to get on with it.

So now you are in a shit relationship with an inattentive man AND you know that he's cheated on you.

I can see why you'd go through the trauma of working through the cruelty of infidelity if you got the fabled "better than ever" relationship.

But you've had all the pain, all the risk to your health, all the emotional trauma of realising your life is a lie, and now here you are with a crappy relationship with a man who doesn't even give enough of a shit to find out whether he's given you any diseases.

Why are you bothering? He clearly doesn't give a fuck.

Just tell him to fuck off and go and enjoy sex with other men and a life free of lukewarm partnership.

[LadyLapsang]

If you're having unprotected sex with your DH after he has told you he has had unprotected sex with someone else then that's your decision, not a very wise one I would say.

Arguing about whether he's bought you a bunch of flowers is one thing but not arranging your own STI tests is quite another - look after yourself.

[keelybooboo]

thank you every body for some sound advice - don't know what i'd do without mumsnet.

interesting and extremely helpful to have a male point of view as well

going out with the girls tonight - think i need to let my hair down

[Discobabe]

I know how you feel. Been there done that still dealing with the aftermath.

I think a lot of men think if they ignore something it will all go away. It works for them (those who think that way anyway) but it doesn't always work for the betrayed partner. It sounds like you need him to deal with it all rather than ignore it, which is a perfectly reasonable request.

If he's not doing enough you need to tell him. Tell him EXACTLY what you need (and really spell it out because you know what men are like!).

Most importantly you need to have consequences, if he doesn't have the tests, or read the book or do counselling what does that mean for you? Can you carry on regardless and ignore it or does it mean the end? I think it's something to think long and hard about because you can only make a consequence if you will stick to it.

It took me a year to get my dh to seek counselling (we did have marriage counselling but he really needs to deal with some of his own issues before this will be effective). He has read a couple of self help books i bought. He got himself tested asap and got the results in writing at my request. Action wise he isn't great at the flowers/dates etc that i've asked for but he has made some effort at least.

[CarmenSternwood]

I'm surprised on two fronts:

Very surprised that you thought he'd ever read that book, but absolutely gobsmacked that you haven't been more forceful about the STI test. Have you been having unprotected sex for the last six months just hoping that he didn't catch anything? That does make you look like a walkover. Men hate going for STI checks, which is one of the reasons why making him do it is so important.

[Wisedupwoman]

I've just caught this thread so sorry if this has been said already.

From what you say i think the issue is that your relationship is back where it was when your H started the affair regardless of how the 'blame' is apportioned. If so, he's vulnerable to another affair or restarting the first again (sorry).

You ignore these signs at your peril I'm afraid. All the other stuff are details, important yes, but details nonetheless IMO.
I think the ball is in your court to act decisively. I don't know what the answers are to your dilemma, only you know your relationship rules with your H, but your post is a bit of a red flag for more to come.
In any case I'd suggest you get yourself tested and until your H does the same you either refuse to have sex or insist he uses protection.

I've been through the same and i'm a bit jaded with it all tbh, but that's how I see it and I hope it helps even if I can't offer much by way of comfort. It's a shit situation, and I'm so sorry.