I really need some advice about DP's ex....

[TryingNotToLoseMyTemper]

I've namechanged for this, purely because I don't want DP reading it, I really don't want to cause him any more stress.

I moved in with my DP a little over a month ago - I have 2 dc, and he has 2 dc that he has every weekend and usually one night during the week. The children are all lovely, all get on great, no problems there.

His exw has been trouble since we got together, but since we moved in together, it's moved up several notches, and I really need help with dealing with it.

I'll start with some background... She threw him out when they split, and her new partner moved in within 2 weeks. He didn't have an affair with me, or anything like that, we didn't get together until they had been split up for a while, and I had been separated from my exh for 18 months when we met.

The last few weeks have been dreadful. When we were in the process of moving, I went with my dd to finish clearing my old house, and she visited when I wasn't there to look around the house - now I understand that she would need to know/see where her children stay, and make sure that it's all ok - but she went upstairs, along with her boyfriend, and inspected OUR bedroom.

Last weekend, we had all the children, and her ds was ill when he arrived. He had to be carried into the house from the car in his pyjamas. He proceeded to vomit all weekend - please don't get me wrong, I have no problems helping look after him, I'm a mum myself, and also a nurse - but he needed his mum. However, she refused to take him back because she was going out for the evening. After he had been up all night being sick, she still refused to take him back in the morning because she had a sore throat Eventually, she called, full of guilt, and demanded that he was brought home - at which point, DP was bombarded with texts and calls telling him that we'd been hideously irresponsible and allowed him to become dehydrated and it was ALL OUR FAULT.

Yesterday was the last straw. She had invited us to her ds swimming party at the weekend, and I really didn't want to go - I suggested that we have another little party for him at our house nearer to his birthday at the end of the month - so DP said no. She started shouting and screaming down the phone, calling him names and hung up on him - only to turn up at the house 5 minutes later screaming at him on the doorstep and when he closed the door, shouting through the letterbox that he's a bastard, etc.

She's asked if her and her bf can come to our house for Christmas dinner to make it nice for the kids - this one, I have completely refused. It's our first Christmas in our house, and I just can't.

She demands that he has the children whenever she feels like it, and if he can't, makes him feel guilty. She changes arrangements at the last minute. I could go on all day.

DP just wants a quiet life, and tries to pacify her, but it's got to the point where it's affecting MY life and my children too.

What the hell can I do? I don't want to go on at him all the time, he gets enough grief, honestly, I don't want to add to it - but I am trying so hard to remain civil.

Firstly why did her dc need his mum when ill when he was with his dad?

You could have missed the seimming but your dp go, but his dad having a separate celebration at home doesn't sound unreasonable.

Apart from that , everything else sounds entirely unreasonable. She has no reason at all to visit your house and see where the children will be ... Unless your dp is irresponsible and she has reason not to trust him with his own dc.

Her behaviour is really bad!

Im afraid youve inherited her T . Your a family in your own right , but also part of a complicated extended family too now .

I think it totally reasonable for her to want your P present at birthdays and things like that , Its nice hes still involved , and its nice that shes also including you in family things . Things would be a lot worse if she was insisting the kids werent to be around you . Having said that , its understandable you dont want her around at christmas , perhaps some compromise is required , what about popping over to theirs for an hour in the afternoon to see the children ?

The only time you should be seeing her is when she drops her kids off, you don't socialise with the ex's. I never would. Unless the kids were getting married there is no reason to socialise or move in the same circles.

You need to set boundaries.

Set times, no moving from them if she don't like it she can fuck it.

No doing anything for her barring looking after the children, they are not friends, they are ex partners and need to be civil only for the sake of the children nothing else.

Thanks, MordechaiVanunu, I really appreciate that . If I had listed everything that she's done & said, not only would you have been with me from the off, but I would have been typing all day!

Yesterdays, you're right. I sort of have to accept it in the main - but I would much rather be like Fabbychic!

Trying, it sounds like you have a nightmare ex to deal with there! Your DP needs to set boundaries with her and keep all communication to the absolute minimum. You and your DP only need to speak to her about the children, nothing else. She's the mother of his kids, nothing more so he doesn't need to be friendly towards her, just polite. It sends the DC the wrong message if you have a joint party - they need to get used to the fact that their parents are not together any more. Most children soon accept the idea of 2 parties with 2 lots of presents!

The ex has probably become worse recently, because she realises that your DP is happier with you than he ever was with her and his priority now has to be you, your DC as well as his DC.

I think she was extremely selfish to send an ill child to you as that could have infected your DC as well but it sounds like you coped well with a difficult situation. Hopefully she'll meet some poor unsuspecting man soon and show less interest in your life with your DP.

You have some real boundary issues to sort here. You and she both need to set down firm frontiers. It was quite OK for your DSS to come to your house ill - children get ill - and your DP should have taken care of him.

On the other hand, birthday parties and Christmases should not be mixed up. You share them out - and all children can cope with multiple celebrations .

One thing you may or may not have answered - did exw come into your and your ds' home prior to you moving in together with dp? or was it in the house you and dp have now got together?

You see I have views on both and just want to clarify!

mouldy, she is a fooking nightmare, I assure you! Bonsoir, DP DID take care of him, as did I. But we definitely need some boundaries set, I think it's the only way. I completely agree with the separate birthday & Xmas thing - my parents divorced when I was young, and it was all I remember, and it was fine. But that's just my personal opinion.

Princess, she has only been in the new house. I'm quite happy with her coming to check out her dc second home, but there was no need for her to go upstairs - especially when I wasn't there!

I Had a relationship like this where both exp were a pain.

It ended because we just couldn't take any more. I find these type of relationships very tiring.

OK she does sound like the kind of person that I would dislike, however she doesn't sound that unusual iyswim.

I find it unusual to want to see you room, however if given the opportunity to go to the loo in someones house I do often nose around a bit however if my children were going to live pt at another house then I would want to see it all, but I think I would have asked depending on the relationship at the time.

A party in itself is not that bad, I as hostess would want everyone to think "wow", and there are a couple of people I would want to upstage and if I had gone to the extremes of a boob job and tummy tuck I too would want to show them off but her reaction to you saying you didn't want to go is a leetle strange! Although I think many couples have this when on the phone and it certain doesn't ever happens sometimes with MIL on the phone!

I wonder if you are reading loads into it as well as there being some more rather nasty things that have happened such as the shouting through the letter box but perhaps your dss really wanted you there? Which would probably upset her! Xmas btw I think is just a little too soon, my dad and his ex occasionally spend xmas together with their children but not every year and their divorce was a good 40 years ago!

Trying, if she comes into the house again makes sure that there are loads of pictures of you and your DP looking blissfully happy together out on display. Have some soppy romantic cards or declarations of his love from him to you preferably including red roses and love poems where she can see them and I'm guessing she won't want to set foot in your home again.

Seriously, she's behaving like this because your DP lets her get away with it and he mustn't. He needs to tell her he won't communicate with her if she shouts or if she's rude/abusive. It's setting a terrible example to their DC and she has to learn it isn't acceptable.

Think of it like training a really stupid dog (except obviously a dog is more attractive and nicer than his ex, lol) they get the idea eventually if you keep repeating it. It took my DH's ex several years to understand we wouldn't stand for any of her nonsense but she's much better behaved and leaves us alone most of the time these days.

I meant to say she sounds typical of her type. She isn't keen for 'her' children to be in your care, yet she's happy to send her sick son over to you when it suits her because she has a night out planned. What a nasty, horrible woman - I bet your DP is glad he's with you now.

Ha, mouldy, you made me lol then

I shall keep you all updated, thanks so much for the advice.

She does sound wearing, and more than a bit attention seeking. You have my sympathy. I'd have as little to do with her as you can politely get away with. Don't give her the satisfaction of seeing you react to any of her behaviour, just be business like.

I've never even seen a picture of Xh and OW's new house. I don't feel the need to, tbh. I can't imagine ever wanting to go in their bedroom, that's just really odd.

Just a thought: think your DP and she ought to sort things out without you being involved - whether they can sit down together or via mediation. You got together with a man who has kids and he got together with a woman who has kids. Women perhaps do more of the running as regards DCs and the men are more passive. So perhaps the tension is that you are setting the agenda and she is kicking against it by being v difficult, trying to claw some autonomy back.
Yes since you moved in together, things are bound to change gear. You do sound very angry/defensive in your posts - whatever the reason you need to take it down a notch. Detach, see how it goes, stick to the arrangements that existed prior to your moving in together and then work calmly through them with your DP once he has decided with ex how to deal with all this. I do ask where is DP's voice in all this?

When DP (now DH) and I first moved in together I could have written your post (minus the fake boobs etc). I was very confident in my feelings towards the way that I percieved how exp was treating DH. I insisted that we set up very clear boundaries, I also did something that I now feel about, however at the time I thought I was justified in my actions (it was nothing physical or bad - incase anyone was wondering!).

I was insecure in my relationship with DP as it was quite new, I had no DC so I had little understanding from that pov. I only had DH and his families opinion of exp to go on, well that and hearing her scream down the phone at DP. She also messed the DSD around a couple of times which lead to righteous indignation on my part.

In short, I sounded like you do now.

Fast forward a year or so and I realised I had to step back a bit and let DH deal with her and THEIR dd's.

Now I get it, I get her, I know that it wasn't easy for her at that time, even though she had a new dp. I don't think we will ever be best friends, but I respect her, we have times that we are all together. I enjoy those times, the DSD's do too. I don't give a fig if DH spends time with them without me.

I think this is because I am confident in my relationship with DH and with DSD's, she is confident in her marriage and knows that I am not a wicked step mother and that i'm not ever going to try and be their mother or take her place in any way.

I don't know when it happened, but gradually the animosity has gone, everyone is calmer.

I am glad that we set those strong boundaries up to start with, but equally I am glad that we reached the point where we no longer need them as mutual respect does the job.

We are none of us perfect and we all still annoy each other from time to time

The reason I'm posting this is to tell you that I completely understand whereyou are coming from, and that their is light at the end of the tunnel, seeing things from her perspective occasionally doesnt mean giving in to her. It's okay to say no to something that you aren't comfortable with doing. It's also okay to give yourself time to come to terms with your relationship with her.

Added to that, you can also choose to never see her, but you must then trust DP to do what is right, and let go of any bad feeling as you can't micro manage their relationship.

Sorry this turned into a really long post. Just wanted to give you hope of a peaceful outcome.

Thank you so much for all your brilliant advice yesterday.

I have sort of decided to try and step away a little as I've been advised.... Unless any of this happens to me personally, or my children, it really does me no good to get involved.

Fontsnob that was a lovely post. Thanks ever so much. I shall keep you all updated if there is any further trouble, then at least I have somewhere to vent!

Yep stay in your own business and look after number one ,the more you are firing on all cylinders the less she will affect you ie the happier, more confident and full of self love you are the more this stuff will go over your head ,but her abusive behaviour ie swearing through the letter box must be nipped in the bud ie setting clear boundaries re appropriate/acceptable behaviour or this will just continue to happen.Just remember you cant control anyone elses behaviour ie ur dp or his X ,u can only control urself and how u react to others .Have a good weekend xxxxx