I really need some advice about DP's ex....

[TryingNotToLoseMyTemper]

I've namechanged for this, purely because I don't want DP reading it, I really don't want to cause him any more stress.

I moved in with my DP a little over a month ago - I have 2 dc, and he has 2 dc that he has every weekend and usually one night during the week. The children are all lovely, all get on great, no problems there.

His exw has been trouble since we got together, but since we moved in together, it's moved up several notches, and I really need help with dealing with it.

I'll start with some background... She threw him out when they split, and her new partner moved in within 2 weeks. He didn't have an affair with me, or anything like that, we didn't get together until they had been split up for a while, and I had been separated from my exh for 18 months when we met.

The last few weeks have been dreadful. When we were in the process of moving, I went with my dd to finish clearing my old house, and she visited when I wasn't there to look around the house - now I understand that she would need to know/see where her children stay, and make sure that it's all ok - but she went upstairs, along with her boyfriend, and inspected OUR bedroom.

Last weekend, we had all the children, and her ds was ill when he arrived. He had to be carried into the house from the car in his pyjamas. He proceeded to vomit all weekend - please don't get me wrong, I have no problems helping look after him, I'm a mum myself, and also a nurse - but he needed his mum. However, she refused to take him back because she was going out for the evening. After he had been up all night being sick, she still refused to take him back in the morning because she had a sore throat Eventually, she called, full of guilt, and demanded that he was brought home - at which point, DP was bombarded with texts and calls telling him that we'd been hideously irresponsible and allowed him to become dehydrated and it was ALL OUR FAULT.

Yesterday was the last straw. She had invited us to her ds swimming party at the weekend, and I really didn't want to go - I suggested that we have another little party for him at our house nearer to his birthday at the end of the month - so DP said no. She started shouting and screaming down the phone, calling him names and hung up on him - only to turn up at the house 5 minutes later screaming at him on the doorstep and when he closed the door, shouting through the letterbox that he's a bastard, etc.

She's asked if her and her bf can come to our house for Christmas dinner to make it nice for the kids - this one, I have completely refused. It's our first Christmas in our house, and I just can't.

She demands that he has the children whenever she feels like it, and if he can't, makes him feel guilty. She changes arrangements at the last minute. I could go on all day.

DP just wants a quiet life, and tries to pacify her, but it's got to the point where it's affecting MY life and my children too.

What the hell can I do? I don't want to go on at him all the time, he gets enough grief, honestly, I don't want to add to it - but I am trying so hard to remain civil.

I would re post this in step parenting , theres lots of people whove been through something similar . I think your partner is going to have to set some firm boundrys with her , by keep pacifying her he is making things worse , not better , and its not fair that you or your children are affected by her bad behaviour .

In a way , it isnt your business , its his , but if i were you , and it was affecting me , i would state clearly to her where the limits lie , and id mean it . ANYBODY yelling abuse through my letterbox would have me calling the police , why does she get special priveledges to abuse you and your children ? Would anyone else get away with that ?

The only answer here is for your partner to grow a pair and deal with her . Whos feelings matter most here , yours , or hers ? Her being allowed to nose round your bedroom would have me rethinking things im afraid .

She DOES sound unreasonable, but put yourself in her shoes for a minute.

She asked you and your DP to the party even though you don't get on- It took a bit of swallowing of pride to do that. She hears DP asking you, followed by "No, we won't come". I think I'd be a bit upset if my kids' dad didn't come to their party on the say-so of the new gf. I know it's horrible when you're not comfortable in a swimming costume, and YOU don't have to go, but your DP should.

Children do not need to be with their mothers when they're unwell- Fathers are just as capable.

I know I sound cold but it strikes me that she is jealous but is trying to include you in the kids' lives.

MordechaiVanunu

Ok - let me tackle your points.

Yes yelling through letter box is unacceptable.

But her other examples of bad behaviour are:

Refusing to come and collect their ill son from his fathers.

Inviting them to their Childs birthday party.

Suggesting they spend Christmas together.

Asking her ex husband to move some heavy furniture for her.

'inspecting' the bedroom could mean a nosey nose around the door or a route through their drawers- one a bit irritating if you want the woman no where near your life, the other weird and totally unacceptable. Hard from OP to judge which it was.

OP has:

Expected ex wife to cancel night out because son is ill when with his FATHER.

Refused to go to Childs party because she feels fat in swimsuit and caused father to miss his Childs party becuase of this and plan an alternative.

Objects to DP helping his ex wife with a few practical jobs.

Baulks at the idea she should ever cook for this woman.

I think there are 2 woman here with issues with each other, and no one sounds like they're coning out of this well.

I need to make you aware of what I'm like judging by these responses - I'm not some old harridan shouting at him and telling him what to do I'm a gentle person, who wants the best for everyone, but that does NOT include being harangued and manipulated into doing what someone else wants. I had nothing against her until quite recently, and actually think she's a good mum. But am I really being unreasonable to expect a certain level of separation?

In what world is it acceptable for her and her bf to even go into MY bedroom, MordechaiVanunu? I've never even been into her house.

And if she's so concerned with a happy family Christmas, why weren't WE invited to her house?

This ^^, I REALLY take exception to. I don't want to spend time with her - I haven't caused him to miss his childs party! When you are separated, things like birthdays & Xmas are done separately! That's how it is, I'm afraid. Unless you're all great friends, and we are clearly not at that point.

BelleEnd (love your name, btw ) - you don't sound cold. You're right - if we were dealing with someone reasonable. But please believe me, we are not.

I'm not hugely fat, by the way.... I just feel like I was invited to be sort of intimidated.

So, She brought the child ill because she had a night out planned and presumably knew he'd be Ok with his Dad. Yet he called her and asked her to come and collect the child and cancel her plans??

You wouldn't do this, but you are not her, but it seems fairly reasonable to me, and you seen unreasonable to expect her to cancel her plans.

(I'd like to see the mother start that thread in AIBU)

Yes, your DP should have gone to the party without you if you didn't want to swim or watch.

I ask men I've never even been married to to help with heavy stuff around the house, my DH has a bad back!! Sorry, seems petty stuff to me.

Of course you don't have to have her for christmas, it sounds like it would be a disaster anyway, with you both sniping at each other. I just thought your 'i'd never cook for her type stance was rather petty and telling.

It seems to go both ways here to me. You can insist and believe that you are entirely right and she is entirely wrong and obviously just a complete bitch spoiling your life if you like, but that's not going to help you much.

MordechaiVanunu

Are you for real. No 'mother' in their right mind would move a child with a sickness bug to thier 'father' house because she going out. That is selfish and there no other way to dress it up. So what if OP didn't want to go to a swimming party her partner as an adult was perfectly able to go himself.

I personnel wouldn't nose around a freinds house without them present, I would expect the same from anyone coming into my house to be treated the with the same respect. I bet if the OP asked to look around the exw house it wouldn't be allowed.

I think the OP has been quite restrained if the exw had suggested about christmas day I would have told her fuck off and keep going after her behaviour.

OP I think your dp needs to draw the line at doing anything for exw that is not for or to do with his dc. Because lets face it if she willing to move a sick child to another house because wants to go out she hardly likely to stop asking him to have the dc.

Oh dot be ridiculous plenty of 'mothers' (even the type who don't need inverted commas) move their sick children for a variety of reasons, some of them sometimes selfish.

My lovely friend springs to mind who was desperate to go to a new year eves party so they dosed DD with calpol and drove for 4hrs to a friends house. She tells a v funny story about it with humour and embarrassment.

Newsflash: Sometimes 'mothers' (not mothers obviously) are selfish, they want to do other stuff and expect fathers to cope alone.

I'll leave you to your righteous indignation now, but OP honestly if you can start to see both sides, let a bit of the resentment go, you may find life gets easier in the long run.

MordechaiVanunu - I didn't expect her to cancel her plans. I was surprised that she sent him like that in the first place, that's all. We took him out to the opening of a local park, because he really wanted to go, and I thought the fresh air might do him good - but he deteriorated and was being sick all over the grass - so I felt he might want to go 'home'. If that makes sense. I was very cross that after I had spent the whole weekend helping to clean up her son's vomit, that my care was criticised though.

We don't snipe at each other, ever. We're very cordial. But she is very used to getting what she wants from everyone in her life, and I think she expects that to continue. Whereas I used to be a people pleaser, just like my DP, but am not any more.

I don't want to be or appear unreasonable. I'm trying really hard not to get involved, and I haven't been, really. I want resolution and happiness all round. But that is not going to come at the expense of me feeling wary and uncomfortable in my own home.

Ha. If you knew me IRL - this is what people quote about me all the time. I always see both sides Hence my post asking for advice. If I was as selfish, petty and unreasonable as you are painting me to be, I would have already got involved, shouted and screamed just as she has.

In your OP where you are stating your case for her unpleasantness you mention several times that she refused to take him back, because she had plans and then a sore throat, you follow this up with a face.

She seems reasonable to me, you seem unreasonable to presume she shoukd have done so.

OP I think she has been unreasonable and unpleasant in some of your examples, and I think you have been unreasonable, if not unpleasant, in some of your examples too.

As I said, these things are rarely one way, I'm sure she's very trying but maybe your approach is not making it plain sailing either?

Im sure you are very lovely, but that doesn't been you're never unreasonable does it? (I know this isn't AIBU, but it seems to fit.)

It was the next morning I was cross. DP had been up all night with him (I'm quite aware that's his job, btw), and it was then Sunday (he was supposed to be staying Sun night as well) and me & DP had to go to work on Mon, which she doesn't. I thought that she could have shouldered a little of the burden, iyswim, since she's not working atm. And the sore throat was clearly code for a hangover, hence the face. I don't care about a hangover, I get pissed sometimes when I don't have the kids! Just tell the truth.

I am very lovely And I really don't want to be unreasonable which is why I started this thread.

It sounds to me op that you and ex want , or expect differant things , ie she sounds like she still wants to do family stuff with your P , ie christmas , and you dont . Neither of you are wrong about this . I note you say that when your seperated you do these things seperateley , thats down to each individual couple , i do lots with my ex and consider him to be still very much part of the family . He didnt stop being a member of the family just because we got divorced . He has not had a serious partner yet and im not sure what will happen when he does , as i understand she may not want to join in with this sort of thing .

Its tricky all round i guess . Did your P actually go to the swimming party ?

Oh Yesterdays, it hasn't happened yet, it's on Saturday. DP has had another text from her this afternoon, saying that her ds really wants his 'little brother' there.... now, although my ds can doggy paddle, he can't swim properly yet, so I wouldn't be happy leaving him. Therefore, for him to go, I'll have to go. So I continue to feel manipulated....

You're exactly right in what you say though - we do expect different things, however, my DP is the same as me, and would prefer separate stuff, still keeping civil for the kids sake, understandably.

It's just really difficult.

Can't your DP take your DS?

Then the children would be happy, you'd not have to appear in your swimsuit or socialise with her, but no one could accuse you of sabotage. (which is probably how it looks/feels to her).

Win/win, no?

Sounds like a plan to me MordechaiVanunu

Yeah, that's my feeling too - except he has a chest infection! (DP, not DS) However, he started antibiotics yesterday, so by Sat, he should be feeling lots better.....

The last thing I want to be accused of is sabotage! But with the suggestion given for ds to go without me, to refuse would look churlish, I think. Hmmm. I shall think on

You can insist on you being separate, and your own DC's if you want, but he can't be separate from her they will still have do do some things together, or for each other, because of the children.

I guess they don't have to, I know some separated couples don't, but it's usually better for the children if they do.

If at all possible I'm sure their DS would prefer a party with mummy and daddy there, rather than two separate parties with mummy and then daddy.

Whether you go or not is up to you, but youvwere invited which is surely better than not being invited!

Look churlish or less than perfect in your swimsuit??? Difficult choices .

Maybe not quite win/win then!

Maybe you could go and look churlish in your swimsuit?? .

I do agree with you on some points you know MordechaiVanunu! But I feel like I was invited so that she can show off her new tits - she's already asked DP if he'd like to see them

I just feel inadequate around her. She's very different to me - I was a single mother for a while, and lived in a bit of a rough area, although I do work and supported myself completely - but there have been times where she's mentioned that she wasn't happy with her dc visiting my house and such - I'm quite aware that she thinks I'm some sort of scummy Jeremy Kyle mother that's out to take her ex for a ride. I'm not btw - I earn more than he does!

I suppose that's part of the issue - she makes me feel like she looks down on me, and it makes me feel angry and misjudged. But some of your points are valid.

She may be looking down on you and that's hard to take. But ultimately, your happy life with your partner trumps what she has to offer because they split up. If she's offering to show him her new tits, she is probably feeling threatened by you. He is happy with you now, you needn't feel threatened.

Well then you need to protect yourself from her, and maybe personally keep your distance, but accept that DP will have to have a civil relationship for the kids.

Make it clear from here onwards, starting with this party, that you will not be involved in joint family occasions, but that DP will come along for the sake of the children.

If it makes you look churlish, so what and who cares. She may whinge for a bit, but will have to accept it once the pattern is set and everyone is sticking to it.

She does sound horrid actually. asking your DP to see her new tits!!!
(and the snobbiness!!)You should have mentioned that in your OP, I'd have been with you from the off then!!

You do sounds lovely, hope you and your DP can work this out.