Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

After ten years that's it and no contact

35 replies

footynutter · 13/09/2011 14:45

I have posted here before under another name. In a nut shell was wrong and had an affair - it ended and started and ended and started for nearly 8 years - periods of this time i left my now ex and he did too. 2 years ago after a period of 6 months of no contact we met up. All the feelings still there. He had just left his now ex and again i was about to - i was leaving cause i couldn't forget how i felt about OM and he was cause of how he felt about me. So we start seeing each other - and its great for about 3 months then he says he can't do it cause of the guilt and that if his ex found out she would stop him seeing his daughter. So we stop but contact remains - he still saying im his one and he loves me. We start again and try again - he does the same and this goes on and on. He still had family time and in Summer thsi year they went on holiday as a family - i was ok with this. He sent me flowers the day they flew out to holiday. They came back we had a few dates then same again he can't do it cause of his guilt. We then txt and emailed for a bit longer till about 3 weeks ago then he said he needed to end all contact as he could never stop loving me if we keep in contact and he needs to stop for the sake of his daughter. Im gutted, heart broken and don't understand he waited nearly ten years then ended it when we were both single. He isn't back with his ex. Im lost and just don't know what to do. He says he has a new mobile ( i don't know number) but i keep txt his old phone and i get a delivery receipt not straight away but as if he has kept his old phone to see if i do contact him. Im just desperate for him.

OP posts:

schobe · 13/09/2011 14:48

Could it be that in fact he never left his partner at all?

Sounds like he might have been stringing you both along.

I know that's no help at all, I'm so sorry you must feel dreadful after all this time.

Original poster

footynutter · 13/09/2011 14:54

He did leave her, he bought his own house - we choose the house together and furnished it together. He says its the guilt of me. He says she will stop him from seeing his daughter when she found out it was 'me' he was seeing. Ive said yes it would be difficult but i was willing to put up with difficult times to finally be with him, it seems though after all his chasing and waiting when it finally comes to it he just can't do it. He has said its not that he doesn't love me its cause he is weak.

OP posts:

sternface · 13/09/2011 15:04

You're right he's weak, but he is lying to you I'm afraid. It's rubbish and you know it, that his ex could stop him seeing his daughter. That's so not the reason he has ended this. Chances are he is still in love with his wife or he has met someone else.

Original poster

footynutter · 13/09/2011 15:09

He swears blind he doesn't want his wife and this sounds awful but says he never really loved her - they had only been married for 18 months when we met. I know he isn't back with her at the moment at least! He has always said its the guilt thing and the fact that she would end his relationship with his daughter. I have said she couldn't do this but he doesn't see that. Every time we have ended he has always said its cause of this but then came back and said he is stronger now and can do it, but i don't think he is coming back this time.

OP posts:

saintlyjimjams · 13/09/2011 15:13

Why would you want to be with this man? He hardly sounds a great catch.

Original poster

footynutter · 13/09/2011 15:20

Cause i love him and feel like i always will.

OP posts:

Aislingorla · 13/09/2011 15:23

Yes, try and move on. He sounds confused and weak (and a tiny bit dim!)

Aislingorla · 13/09/2011 15:25

I know this sounds hard, but, if he wanted to be with you he would.

saintlyjimjams · 13/09/2011 15:27

Well obviously you won't always love him if you break contact. You've had ten years of back and forth with him, in the meantime you and presumably two other people have been hurt (if there are kids involved add them in as well). For what? A weak man. He's right, he is. Take some control over the situation.

lubeybooby · 13/09/2011 15:33

You're being fleeced I'm afraid, or have been - and you are better off without this prat. Much much better off. I'm sorry you're hurting but time really does heal and you will look back and wonder wtf you fell for it for.

Original poster

footynutter · 13/09/2011 15:35

I really want to take control but just don't know how to. I also feel i have lost a friend as well as the man i love. Yes people have been hurt including his child and my son. That is what i can't get my head around - he was willing to leave his wife and have a go at us, but then backs off. He did the hard bit didn't he by leaving. His child was 'ok' and settled. Why put himself through this agony of the last ten years as well just to walk away. Sorry i really just need some answers that i won't ever get now. All i get is 'im sorry, i never set out to hurt you, i truely love you but i can't jeapodise my relationship with my daughter'.

OP posts:

buzzskillington · 13/09/2011 15:35

He's probably got someone else.

Aislingorla · 13/09/2011 15:58

You have to accept the fact that he does not love you. Sorry!

Original poster

footynutter · 13/09/2011 16:00

Maybe i do but what have the last ten years been about and why cause his daughter to hurt? why not just stay with her? Ten years is a very long time.

OP posts:

HerHissyness · 13/09/2011 16:06

You are hanging on to someone who just doesn't care enough about you, about anyone to be committed.

He doesn't love you. He will never ever be with you, because you are not important enough for him.

Sorry, but you are in love with the idea of being in love. He has never fanned these flames, he has kept you at arms length all this time and you have clung on.

You have normalised his disdain and distance, made excuse after excuse for him, but when you were both free, he still didn't move heaven and earth to be with you.

why are you so scared to be with a man that is available, emotionally and physically?

He's not even wasting your time, YOU ARE.

You are worth more than this.

saintlyjimjams · 13/09/2011 16:11

It doesn't matter what happened the last ten years (when presumably he was having his cake and eating it so to speak). If he wanted to be with you he woukd. He can frame it in guilt or whatever he likes but the reality is he's not interested I being with you.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and go and have some fun.

PeppermintPasty · 13/09/2011 16:12

Hi. I mean this very kindly when I say you are in denial about all this. He is telling you loud and clear that he doesn't want you, and using the crappest excuse ever. As sternface says, he couldn't be stopped from seeing his daughter etc, it's a crock of shit.

I'm not surprised you feel like this after so long. It's a massive shock when the rhythm of your life(even an up and down, unreliable rhythm) ceases.

If he's being truthful(pah!) and he is going to cut all contact with you then it will be the best thing ever for you and give you a push to move on. You must get this loser out of your head, he's stolen ten years of your life, don't let him have another minute of it.

I suspect sadly that, as he's been playing you IMO, this probably won't be the last you hear from him. You need to get some real life support to help you shut all the doors in his face.

BTW, remember that all the stop-start stuff can be quite addictive-the thrill of being wanted and desired anew all the time. Maybe there's a bit of that in it for both of you.

Tricoteuse · 13/09/2011 16:15

this website is wonderful www.baggagereclaim.com/

sternface · 13/09/2011 16:39

Look - how to put this when unfortunately the same was true of you for a while (but at least you stopped) this man is a liar. Of course he swears blind that he never loved his wife - that's why he spends so much time with her, including holidays .

He is saying he loves you either because he thinks the more obvious alternative would be hurtful, or because he's lining up a booty call for some other point in the future. And that's it.

As it sounds like this ending is far more definite than any other time, I really do think he has met someone else, or he has realised how much he loves his wife.

But above all this, when a man who has done the difficult stuff and is actually living separately from his family, tells you he wants no contact - then it's obvious he doesn't want you. Please see this, for your own sake. None of this has got anything to do with his daughter - it's to do with how he feels about you.

Original poster

footynutter · 13/09/2011 17:21

Ive been such a fool haven't i. I really thought he loved me. Perhaps i should have realised he was a notright when he told me his dad was dead, when he wasnt he had made it up so i would get back in touch with him! Thank you all. Im so angry.

OP posts:

RabbitPie · 13/09/2011 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

footynutter · 13/09/2011 17:57

Thank you Rabbitpie - I also am trying to hate him and like you am just ending up going round in circles from love, to anger, to hate, to threatening to tell his ex wife everything ( I never would) and back to love. Hope you are feeling a bit better about your situation

OP posts:

RabbitPie · 13/09/2011 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

virgiltracey · 13/09/2011 18:14

I have been in a very similar situation. I met a guy, fell in love, he was married (no kids though). He had been married for 18 months, said he didn't love his wife in "that" way and that they were more like brother and sister. I left my ex and moved into own flat. His wife found out, kicked him out, he moved into own house. I thought happily ever after was just around the corner.

We had a year of trauma - we're together, then we're not together, he feels too guilty, she needs him, then we're back together, then they go on holiday to try to sort things out, he comes back and immediately contacts me, etc etc. It was hell. My life revolved around this dreadful relationship which caused me endless stress and ended up with him on antidepressants.

But... we have now been together for 10 years, married for seven years and have two wonderful DCs. He is my best friend and a wonderful husband.

I guess what I'm trying to say is just pull back, get on with life and wait. I know its hard but at the moment he is torn emotionally, feels guilty and is under tremendous stress. It might not work out. He might get back with his wife and you might not hear from him again. But if its really meant to be he will come back to you. Get on with your life and things will work out for the best one way or another.

HedleyLamarr · 13/09/2011 18:30

From Tricoteuses link, does this seem familiar? Sorry this is happening to you OP, it is a bit shit.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread