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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

After ten years that's it and no contact

35 replies

footynutter · 13/09/2011 14:45

I have posted here before under another name. In a nut shell was wrong and had an affair - it ended and started and ended and started for nearly 8 years - periods of this time i left my now ex and he did too. 2 years ago after a period of 6 months of no contact we met up. All the feelings still there. He had just left his now ex and again i was about to - i was leaving cause i couldn't forget how i felt about OM and he was cause of how he felt about me. So we start seeing each other - and its great for about 3 months then he says he can't do it cause of the guilt and that if his ex found out she would stop him seeing his daughter. So we stop but contact remains - he still saying im his one and he loves me. We start again and try again - he does the same and this goes on and on. He still had family time and in Summer thsi year they went on holiday as a family - i was ok with this. He sent me flowers the day they flew out to holiday. They came back we had a few dates then same again he can't do it cause of his guilt. We then txt and emailed for a bit longer till about 3 weeks ago then he said he needed to end all contact as he could never stop loving me if we keep in contact and he needs to stop for the sake of his daughter. Im gutted, heart broken and don't understand he waited nearly ten years then ended it when we were both single. He isn't back with his ex. Im lost and just don't know what to do. He says he has a new mobile ( i don't know number) but i keep txt his old phone and i get a delivery receipt not straight away but as if he has kept his old phone to see if i do contact him. Im just desperate for him.

OP posts:
footynutter · 13/09/2011 18:39

Thank you - i know he will never get back with his wife basically cause she has realised whe doesn't want him - yes they are ffriends for their child but that is it. He may want to but i know she won't. Im glad things worked out for you but i don't think they will for us - ten years has already passed.

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 13/09/2011 20:08

virgiltracey that is really bad advice IMO-to wait. You're kidding me right? The OP has already wasted, yes wasted TEN years of her life on this knob. I know there are always exceptions-I too have experience of very unlikely situations working out in time, but this certainly doesn't sound like one of those...OP, please get some real life support so you can stop this man going round in your head. I can't believe that stuff about his Dad. If that's true it's beyond vile.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 13/09/2011 20:22

Honest opinion? He doesn't love you. He might say all the pretty words, and make the right goo goo eyes, but if he loved you he'd be with you. This 'star crossed lovers' bullshit is an excuse. He liked the thrill. He didn't really want to lose his family set up. He is probably hoping against hope that his wife will take him back. If she has any sense, she won't. And if you have any sense, you'll realise that this man is a feckless 'romantic'

footynutter · 13/09/2011 20:43

oh the stuff about his dad is true - i even have an email where he tries to explain why he lied about it. Saying he wasn't proud of saying it and he wouldnt blame me if i know hated him for saying it. Thank you all ive got to move on if not for me but for my gorgeous son.

OP posts:
WibblyBibble · 13/09/2011 20:46

Look, you say: "That is what i can't get my head around - he was willing to leave his wife and have a go at us, but then backs off."

You've pretty much got it backwards. The fact that he was willing to do that to his wife shows that he isn't capable of being caring or having empathy, so he doesn't love anyone. Yes, he could probably spin you some good lies, but this kind of situation isn't 'romantic', it's just sad. Find someone else, using the knowledge that if someone has acted in one way before, it's more, not less, likely that they'll do the same to you.

PeppermintPasty · 13/09/2011 21:03

Sorry FN, I didn't mean to sound as if I were doubting you. It was more a "recoil-in-horror-at-his-callousness" remark, not worded very well.

Smum99 · 13/09/2011 21:30

Don't judge him by his words but by his actions. If he really wanted to be you he would...It's so harsh to hear that however and I was in a similar situation with a b/f years ago (not married however) he was always breaking up.back
together etc - a good friend finally summoned up the courage to tell me he didn't really care. She was right, I was heartbroken but I did recover.

I think you know in your heart that he has been lying to you for a long time and you know that you have overlooked many of his actions but we do tend to deceives ourselves when we want the 'happy ever after' . Don't blame yourself , be gentle with yourself and recognise that this relationship has probadly taken away a lot of your confidence but you can move on from this.

Shoni · 13/09/2011 21:44

Did he loose interest as it wasn't an affair anymore?
Just a thought!
Hope you find what your looking for Smile

virgiltracey · 14/09/2011 22:29

peppermint I said to back off and get on with her life and if it is meant to happen it will. He might never contact her again in which case she will no doubt meet someone else and be thankful that she's not still embroiled in it all. Or she might get on with her life and one day he might knock on the door again having sorted himself out emotionally. If that happens then its for her to decide whether she wants him back in her life.

These things are always difficult and its easy to come on and say he's a tosser or he's not capable of loving or caring about anyone if he could do that to his wife - but clearly the latter isn't true. There are lots of people who have affairs that are quite capable of loving someone (or even loving two people!!) but who find the guilt too difficult to deal with - particularly if there are children involved and they are therefore seeing their ex partner all the time.

Whilst I appreciate that my advice goes against the crowd and is tainted by my own experience which turned out well in the end (even though it was hell at the time) I do think that things are rarely black and white and that a long term emotional relationship over ten years is very different from a brief fling or a one night stand.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2011 23:42

Stop wasting your life on this bell-end

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