sick of him shouting at kids and belittling me!

[ironingisboring]

Basically I have just realised I am married to a complete and utter COCK!! The complete nob berated our son who is 8 this morning before school about his hair not being right - thing is he comes accross so aggressive and poor DS just couldn't take it this morning. This is just a typical example. I dread H opening his mouth because he just upsets us so much! He always has to complain about something. We went out at the weekend to a local park and I can even predict now that when we go out he will shout at DS - DS just can't seem to do right for doing wrong somedays.

I got back from the school run and told him he was a complete TW*T and I was sick of him. Sick of :-

• His aggressive verbal outbursts (which happen constantly/daily)

making me feel like he doesn't want DS or me

• Never being able to get things right - always picking at what I do or how I do it
• Sick of not being able to have a "normal" conversation without it ending up in world war bloody 3.
• I don't want to go out on family days as I am embarrassed when he starts up snarling at DS.

I really can't bear him to touch me (fed up of constantly being asked for anal sex or a blow job and being told I would feel much better for a good shag) - he even makes sexual inuendos to me in front of the kids - the kids don't know what he is on about but I do and I have told him that he should have a little bit more self respect.

We have been together for 20 years (married for 14) and have two lovely children - I really don't want them to be spoilt by his verbal outbursts. His family have told him before when we have had get togethers but they only see a very small amount of what he is really like.

I told him this morning also that when I was taking DS to school that I had to tell him not to worry, daddy will be out this evening so you won't have to put up with him.

How should I handle things - it can't go on, I have told H that I can't carry on like this (have often dreamed of packing bags and getting a place of my own with the kids but this just isn't possible, I don't work and have no pennies!!).

he has been quite polite to me since and tried to "talk" (if asking if I want a cup of tea can be classed as talking). I really want to shake him and make him realise what he is doing to us.

Sorry for the rant!!!! Any advice would be very much appreciated.

"People can, and do change, every day"

Abusers are NOT people. They cease to be so when they look to make their partners unhappy so that they can be happy. They have no empathy, no sympathy for the pain they cause. They feel a massive entitlement, an inalienable right to RULE you, and when they present a challenge, your DC too.

Ok, give this guy (not that he deserves it) ONE more chance. ONE.

TELL him that you will not be shouted at again. EVER, and that he treats you like an equal in all things, or not at all. If he can listen to you, see where he's gone wrong, make it up to you and radically change going forward. Spiffing.

If not.....

You need to understand that YOU are NOT the person who can help change this situation and the behaviour. there is no issue with YOUR behaviour as such. YOU are not the one ranting and raving.

"Assisting change" sounds like it'll end up with you moulding yourself to put up with it, allowing him leeway.

Read back your first post. Read you last too. You are already normalising this, and now finding excuses for him to treat you like this.

It's OK, we* all do it. In your own time you will see that the set up you have is not right, is toxic.

*We being the DW/DP of angry, controlling, manipulative, and abusive men.

ironingisboring look I think that being able to see whether your H is abusive or not is actually a very difficult task.
As you said, in most cases, you associate abuse with violence. But it is EA and it's done little by little, day after day, how do you know? It's so easy not to see what is acceptable and what is NOT acceptable when things have just gone worse and worse, little bit by little bit so that you can't see what is OK and what is not..

I personnally would take another view on that.

People can change if they want to. but it can take time, a lot of time. They also really WANT to do it, not for you but for themselves.
Do you think your H is willing to do so? Is he willing to put the effort for many months/years? Remember, he is the one responsible of his behavior, of his attitude towards you and his children.
And the other side of the coin, are you willing to wait whilst he doing all this work on himself? Is it actually OK to do so when not just yourslef but also your ds is at the recieving end of his angry outburts?
Do you love him?

It's a very scary place to be when you contemplate leaving a marriage with no job & no money. Go and see CAB. See what sort of help you could get so it looks less scary. Go and see a sollicitor and see what you could do re the house etc... Again to make things less scary.
Because whatever decision you are taking, it shouldn't be led by the fear of being alone. You should stay with your H because you want to and because you think it will bring you and your dcs happiness.