self pleasure rather than me?

[paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife]

It might just be me being overly sensitive, and don't get me wrong it's not every night, but is it normal for a man to want self pleasure rather than a bit of fun with the wife every now and again?
I was feeling a bit needy as he'd been doing family business stuff till nearly 1am the night before, so I was asleep and didn't even get a cuddle, then next morning our 2 youngest DC's were up at crack of dawn so i took then downstairs, no chance of even a snuggle up then.
I have issues of rejection from childhood and past, I'm the first to admit it, we are having counselling to help him understand and me to try and get over it, but I feel so fucking ugly and disgusting that he wasn't interested in me, just went up for a shower and to please himself.
When we got into bed he wasn't very cuddly but being the idiot that I am tried to initiate sex, he tried but was able to really finish as he wasn't feeling well and was obviously already done.
I know i have issues, big ones, but feel so shit over this and just need to know if this is what men are like from time to time.

I have plenty of erratic and emotional moments believe me, I think being menopausal is making me a bit mental highly strung.
I know exactly how it feels to be emotionally fragile.

The difference is that my DH is supportive and although he will let me know when I'm being a hormonal witch and hugely irrational , he's not cruel or unkind about it and when I have a meltdown, he will cuddle me and let me cry all over him and we can laugh about it afterwards.

I'm afraid only your H can turn himself into an emotionally literate human being, only you know if he's unable or unwilling to do so, if he's unable to then you have to decide whether you can deal with his lack of empathy, if he's unwilling, well, that's a whole different ballgame .

There is a woman waiting in the wings is there, OP ?

You have only just mentioned that. What is the story there ?

DH isn't interested but has to work fairly closely with her. Her DH is an absolute tw@t and has a baby with another woman. She has always liked my DH and looked up to him, but recently was trying to use him as her emotional support and got a bit needy. He has backed off at my request and tries not to get into any non professional talks with her, but she's rather loopy and is trying all sorts of attention seeking nonsense to get closer to him again. He doesn't want to be outwardly nasty to her though as she is admittedly going through hell. Saying she was leaving work as she couldn't cope with their new working relationship, she wanted their friendship back etc etc, but then changed her mind. He is honest about it even though he gets grief from me as I'm so full of fear about other women from exH. Nothing physical definitely but the whole thing has made life awkward especially as i freaked regularly in an over the top way as I can't deal with it all.
Like I say lots of issues, and I do give him grief over my worries, this is apparent.

The funny thing is he doesn't really know how to support her or me, but just the fact that she likes him and he listens (as she used to go into work early to talk to him.)
I@ve been very close to sending her a 'back the f#*k off' email but have been letting him deal with it, which he has to be fair, bar the odd thoughtless moment.

what "odd thoughtless moments" ?

Stuff like not ringing or texting me at all till gone 7.30pm on a day when he had to stay late ay work to host a staff meeting. He normally texts at least once during the day, or at least between work and meeting. He knew I was worried and rather than face it just stuck his head in the sand.just made me more paranoid and insecure.
Also text her happy birthday from our family holiday as he knew she'd be having a tough day, but tried to keep it from me as I'd asked him for a clean break from work whilst on hols.
I didn't know it was her birthday, said she'd got cross with him for forgetting her card (his job to get card from colleagues due to his position) so that's why he made the effort.

well, the presence of this woman in your relationship is clearly bothering you more than you would wish to acknowledge

if it bothers you, be stronger and make it clear he is taking the piss

not her him

he has the power to make her back off properly but appears to be reluctant to actually do it

I've made it far too clear, to the point of hysteria if I'm honest. He says I'm over reacting. DH is manager, she is AST manager, they have to work closely to a certain extent and he has realigned their friendship/working relationship, hence her freaking out over the change. I've put up with her crush for 8 years whilst trying to keep her at arms length from my family, and don't wish to be mean or in any way condone what her DH has done to her, but can see why he's looked elsewhere for affection. His wife has been clearly obsessed with her boss.
Things are easing in that regard and hopefully relate will help us, help me to get over my insecurities, I grew up watching my own father have affair after affair, and my ex was the same, whilst making me feel like I was crazy and doubting myself. My DH only ever goes out to golf or the local with his best mates, one of whom is BIL, so I've realised there is no sex involved elsewhere. But to be honest when things were really bad I had visions of sex in the office at 8am.
This has actually been good for helping me organise my thoughts on what things affect me most, thanks. we have a lot to work on!

Good luck with it

It seems like rather a tangled web, no wonder your head is in bits x

I think he is being unfair to you though. He lied to you. That is sooooo out of order. Who could blame you for getting certain visions in your head ? That kinda happens when someone proves they cannot be trusted, wtf did he expect ?

Yes I know. Getting him to see that is a different matter. Things are improving again here. He needs to mature on an emotional level and learn to support me and prioritise my feelings more.
I have things to learn too though.

I think you're being naive to think that it's impossible for him to be having an affair with this woman. When I first read this thread, I wondered about an affair and so it was not surprise reading down, that there is a likely candidate.
With her husband out of the picture now, there is even more risk that something is happening between them. Your husband is also telling you a pack of lies that he thought a happy birthday text from holiday was okay. Fine between colleagues, but a massive signal to someone who's had an 8-year crush on him and whom he's allegedly trying to fend off

People who say they are at work and at golf often aren't, you know. And BILS often cover for one another too.....

Given your past experiences with your ex and your father, its probably understandable why you feel so emotionally insecure.

The bottom line is do you truly believe nothing is going on? It sounds like you are convinced and the only doubt is that he hasn't dealt with the crush thing once & for all. I don't know why that is. It could be because he genuinely doesn't know how to. It could be that secretly he likes the attention.

After 11 years of marriage though it's going to be hard to expect him to suddenly mature emotionally if he's never been that sort of person. So you need to work out if what you have with him is good enough.

Ok, he's far from perfect. He has this weird wanking thing with a fleshlight and seemingly unable to deal with a workplace crush. But neither are what I'd call dealbreakers. But each person is different.

To be honest when this all blew up in my mind I did acuse him of having an affair, and quite vigourously! But over the past few months I've come to see that what he may be guilty of is naively opening up to her on a deepening friendship level. All the come on this woman needs to be honest but nit deliberately harmful.
He has cooled it down, and yes IMHO it needs cooling further, in fact in my eyes I want her out of our life but that's not going to happen any time soon. So we have to learn to deal with her, hopefully that's where relate will help us to come to an agreement of what is reasonable behaviour or not.

Bil and golf thing is definitely kosher as they often take DS and I could walk to the pub in two mins to join them afterwards if I wanted.

look

if you want her out of your life, he should make it happen

seriously

if you don't want to have to deal with her, you shouldn't have to

he is being a cock...why would you allow yourself to think it is anything to do with you ?

this isn't about her it's about him

please will you acknowledge that

It has to be done very carefully and subtlely.sp??
Can't just sack her for having a crush! Luckily she's a crazy lady who is giving everyone else grief the whole time. Bullying a younger female as she seems jealous every time DH speaks to her as part of his work role. DH can't instigate complaints but can forward them to his superiors, but it will take time and may not end in her removal just a warning.
Strangely enough a previous colleague who knows her has just added me on FB. Might be a good chance to let it be known how pissed off I am with her attention seeking behaviour.

no, don't involve someone else in this madness

a previous colleague ?? What has he/she to do with this ? Even less than this adoring lapdog of your partner's, I would venture

there are ways to make someone back off, even a work colleague

even if he told her to go fuck herself, it is her word against his (as long as nothing in writing)

I recommend he tells her to go fuck herself (quietly)

the time for subtlety is over