To all members of THE HEARTBREAK CLUB - women affected by men who simply walk away

[Punkatheart]

Of course I am fully aware that there may be complex reasons why men walk away from their families. However, as I read heartbreaking story after heartbreaking story - I am astonished how men can simply disengage - from women they have loved and more peculiarly, from a child or children they may have produced.

As some of you may know, I am in the same position at the moment. A total shock - a warm loving and responsible man, stressed by work and the responsibility of looking after me through numerous cancer treatments - snaps and walks away. He says it is forever and of course I am powerless to control our destiny together now. His daughter has said that she does not want to know him and he has accepted that.

Today I am a little stronger but I know it never lasts. I have been suicidal and every night I have lovely comforting dreams that we are back together. Then I wake up and I am drowning in grief. Anyone in the HC will understand. The desolation, the betrayal and the sheer breathlessness of what your man has done. There may in some cases be another woman - which must add to the pain. This is not the case for us - his emotions are all gone for anyone. I am a burden to him. His child is a burden. But I do believe he is having a breakdown - that I must leave him alone to miss us, to realise where love is and will make him happy. But it will be his choice.

The solidarity of women and their help, their kindness in the face of horrifying emotional pain, has been the thing that has kept me from going to the station and killing myself. That and the thought of the poor driver seeing my ugly mug splattered on his window.

I am sad that there will always be a Heartbreak Club and that more and more women seem to have joined. Some will mend and some too will regain their trust and the men will come trotting back like hens at dusk. But the fox is life, or another woman, or the freedom of being single. If they are taken by that - then they will not return.

Some days I am, as the poem says, drowning and not waving. But today when I am strong - I send out all my love (yes love) to all of you suffering, crying and maybe holding your children trying to explain why this has happened, what the future holds.

I hurt. I hurt so much that I wish there was another reality, into which I could slip quietly. Or that the earth would fold itself back and envelop me without fuss. But for now I must walk and I must keep as strong as I can muster.

I just wanted to say this, in some way of comfort and I hope, understanding.

How is everyone today?

I am sad on the inside, right through to my marrow. But I put on makeup and smile.

What happened in your situation punk? Sorry, been away from here.

Thinking of you Punk xxx

The shock and the grief are really really sinking in now. I found my Valentine's card from this year: 'My darling...I love you.' I fell apart.

My mother - who is quite convinced that OH has suffered a breakdown - asked me if he fell at my knees now and sobbed for me to forgive him, would I?

The answer is yes and I hate myself for that.

I just miss him, I miss us.

Punk I hear you. I miss 'us' too.

In truth we haven't been an 'us' for months, but of course I didn't know he was being lead round by his trousers.

Are you ok? you seem very low.

Thank you Child. I get strong times, when I am busy. But of course the quieter days fold in on me. I wish that I could hate him but in truth I am worried about his state of mind. I ache for my family too - my mother is so worried and hurt by the behaviour of the man she treated like a son.

A mess. A mess. I am going out this morning. To look at the world outside and clear a fuzzy head.

I send warm thoughts to other members. Have a lovely Sunday and find something beautiful in yourself, in the day.

xx

I have been dreading today as would have been our 12th anniversary.

So far he has managed to upset me by posting something on FB which showed complete disregard for my feelings about today and then I found he had been removing his pubes with Neet and had used my bath sponge to wipe afterwards (He was at our house yesterday looking after DS aged 4 whilst I was at work so it was OK for him to be there). Talk about rubbing my face in it - literally!!

However I am now in a more chipper mood. It shows what a complete and utter knob he is and how lucky I will be to be rid of him and I had to laugh about the bath sponge bit as some of them were grey

vole3 that's hilarious, but WTF?

That was 5 years and 3 days ago....the day after the bleach was my brother's birthday who died 2 years earlier...so ex knew he was sending that letter at a point when I was low...his dd was born the day after ds discharged from hospital ...so of course he didnt have the love/thoughts/care for his ds.

Vole - what a charmer!

Serious - how traumatic it must have been with the bleach, doubled in stress by your situation. So glad that your DC was OK - thank God for a loving mother.

OH came over today to pick up some tools for work (yes I have heard all the jokes about the tool picking up his tools) and he looked wretched - sad and lost. He asked our DD if she wanted to go to town - she refused and hid in her room from him.

He needs to go away and connect with his emotions - to realise that he has lost a loving special home. If he does not, there is nothing I can do. Absolutely nothing. My little feisty daughter has told me she is going to make a massive success of her life. Good for her.

Hugs to everyone. In the words of Spock, live long and prosper. And in the words of Jennifer Aniston, Cheryl Cole etc 'Because we're worth it.'

Truly.

Punk I hid the post as too much info get a bit scared.

Your dd is very mature and right in how she is treating her dad you know.

Do you think your OH is moving things out slowly? Is he looking guilty as he has something to hide? Has he mentioned he is going to solicitor re: divorce yet? Has he dropped hints he is depressed or wants to come home?

Do you let him into the house and he enters/ leaves without a word? Does he have a key? If so should you change the locks? Is his passport/'birth cert/ important docs missing (sorry this is a sign that the move is planned and serious).

You need to be prepared for:

1. He wants all forgiveness and come back

1. He wants to finish the marriage and stay friends

1. He wants to finish the marriage and disappear from your life

I would need to be prepared for all three... don't need this hitting you like a ton of bricks....you need answers.....you need to say we need to 'talk' and meet outside for coffee and discuss things upfront on neutral grounds...you need to know number 1 and if not if it is 2-3. Then you can start to plan....to even try and deal with it emotionally as this 'not knowing' is hell for anyone....but you are not well Punk and you don't need more stress making you even more so. The not knowing is the worst in my experience!

Try and have a good sleep (((hugs)))

vole just spotted yours...hope you got through this day...nearly tomorrow and try and put it out of your mind for another year hugs to you too

OH was only picking up his tools - he starts work today. He hasn't asked for any other stuff yet - but then things are really not civil enough for that.

He clearly still needs time on his own and this will have to play out the way it is destined to play out. He needs to miss us, want us. He just looked very very sad and lost. The fact that he asked DD to town implied that he had nothing else to do. It's the quiet times that he needs - the time to sit in his mother's flat on his own, without us. When he came round, I was making a roast dinner for my DD - we were busy, happy, close. Then he had to walk out.

I have stopped any contact now, with him and MIL. I don't know what is in his head but I must live my own life for now and stop second guessing everything. I think he can only see short term anyway - 'I want to be free' being the primary need. He needs to find himself and hope that he likes what he finds....

You are quite right to get on with your own life punk,"healthy selfish"is the way to go,DETATCH from him and focus on u and dd,u played a blinder yesterday xxx

Punk my xh is also looking sad and lost.
He's left us to be on his own for 'the forseeable' then intends on living with ow and child.
For a man who's known this situation is coming and who says he is in love with ow he doesn't seem very certain.
I don't think he thought about it much either. As you say the short-term primary concern is the overridin factor at present.

Clearly something in his head has changed.

Am still trying to live my life but I have to tell myself to get out of bed. I tell myself off for wallowing. But I did write him a very long letter and that is that. I have said all I want to say to him and now he has to go away and think.

He has not texted his child though - which is fairly unforgiveable.

Thank you patience and so sorry child that you are in a similar position. Sometimes when I fence my chickens in on a patch of grass in the garden, they push their heads through to get a piece of grass beyond. The grass to them is genuinely greener. There is a famous line in a Greek Drama about reaching out for something and dropping what you have in your hand. All is true.

Oh Punk you have the soul of a poet!

You are so right.
Unfortunately grass is grass and it all tastes the same. No doubt xh will discover that in the fullness of time.
I will be waiting with gleeful hands to rub!

I'm also a fairly new member of the Hearbreak Club.

My husband and I separated on 25th July (my birthday). We have nine and a half month old baby. His business had been struggling and I have been struggling bringing up the baby effectively on my own as he is never here. It has been hard for both of us and we have not communicated properly.

Everything came to a head on my birthday and I told him to get out as I needed to be on my own and that day of all days I just wanted him to do as I asked. He went and hasn't lived in our house since. He went to his brothers down south and met a barmaid who works there and they have been texting and calling each other constantly and he maintains it is platonice, but I found he had booked a hotel in Brighton for one night and he said he was escorting her to a wedding as a friend and that the room was a twin and nothing happened. Even if nothing physical did happen, he is having some sort of emotional affair with her - confiding in her, spending time talking to her and wanting to be with her rather than with me and our baby. He says he goes down there to see his brother and brothers children and to get away, but I know there is more to it.

He has now been witholding money and not paying bills. We had two weeks where we were getting on so much better and he said he didn't really want a divorce and he was 'confused'. I said lets take it slow then and work on it. He even stayed over one night and it was amazing. And then he came over for supper two thursdays ago and we got into an arguement about this other girl. I asked if he was still contacting her and he said no and then said yes and when I got angry he said actually he wasnt and that he just said that to see how I would react! What the..? What is the truth and what is a lie??

I texted him the next day to say I am doing all the running and he should run to me for a change or run off and cry on her shoulder and after speaking to his mother who he is staying with, that is what he has done. He left her house on Saturday 11th Sept and she thought he was coming to see me. He actually drove down to his brothers pub and has been there ever since. I called him over and over and he has apparently lost his phone (another lie), then I called the girl over and over on her mobile and left some abusive and angry messages (bad I know but i was desperate and upset), I also tried to contact his brother. They all ignored me even thought I was asking about maintenance and the fact that we have no money and the phone has been cut off. Finally i start ringing the pub and he calls me back and makes out i am crazy. Says I manipulated him and that he wants a divorce. He cannot say he doesn't love me though. He says he does love me but doesn't want this anymore. He promised to pay bills and look after his daughter when we first separated but he is not doing it now. I cried and cried and said had he not read the love email that I had sent, and he said he had read it and it had made him sad, but that was it.

He told me he was coming back on Monday and he didn't. He then said to his mum he would be back yesterday and he wasn't. She is going to try to contact him today. But it is useless, he has abandoned us and does not want to come back. It would be bad enough if it were just me he was abandoning but it is his little innocent sweet girl. He barely knows her and has spent hardly any time with her. Yet he can take two weeks off work and bugger off when we have never had that time with him and he cannot afford to take that time off. He is not paying for her or caring for her. It breaks my heart. I cannot think of anything else and I am devastated. Will he ever come back? He has made no contact at all and does not want to speak to me. Why is he doing this?

I have to carry on for my baby but I feel like dying.

I feel for all of you. I feel so alone and know how desperate and grief stricken you must be. I hope I will get through this. Right now I cannot see a way out of this. I don't understand how he can treat us like this and cut us off.

Oh my darling girl. Daisy your story makes me weep. What a terrible stressful and messy situation. He is not behaving well.

As difficult as it is - you have to leave him to fester. If he continues with the financial neglect, you will have to go to a solicitor. It's awful but the power is in their hands, in their hearts. It depends on how much they are bonded to their family.

Come on here whenever. Cry all over the keyboard if that helps. I have, many times. I know exactly what you mean about the worst pain being the disconnect from your child. I could never do that and it is very difficult to understand.

I send you a hug, to you and your baby.

Get support wherever you can. Make sure that, if you feel up to it, you get out every day and set yourself some goals. They don't have to be big ones - skydiving and swimming the Channel can wait. Clearing out things or even writing an angry letter (but don't send - never send when you are angry)...they will help. Watch light TV - absolute rubbish. Try and eat well.

Sending my love. It is not a Club that any of us want to be in. It is exclusive but remember, some members will mend quite soon and even find their lives are better. It may not feel like that too and yes, I can relate to wanting to die. I have been there. If you EVER feel so desperate that you cannot escape the pain - please please call the Samaritans. They kept me afloat when I just wanted to sob. They will even arrange to call you back at a certain time - so that you feel someone cares.

XX