To all members of THE HEARTBREAK CLUB - women affected by men who simply walk away

[Punkatheart]

Of course I am fully aware that there may be complex reasons why men walk away from their families. However, as I read heartbreaking story after heartbreaking story - I am astonished how men can simply disengage - from women they have loved and more peculiarly, from a child or children they may have produced.

As some of you may know, I am in the same position at the moment. A total shock - a warm loving and responsible man, stressed by work and the responsibility of looking after me through numerous cancer treatments - snaps and walks away. He says it is forever and of course I am powerless to control our destiny together now. His daughter has said that she does not want to know him and he has accepted that.

Today I am a little stronger but I know it never lasts. I have been suicidal and every night I have lovely comforting dreams that we are back together. Then I wake up and I am drowning in grief. Anyone in the HC will understand. The desolation, the betrayal and the sheer breathlessness of what your man has done. There may in some cases be another woman - which must add to the pain. This is not the case for us - his emotions are all gone for anyone. I am a burden to him. His child is a burden. But I do believe he is having a breakdown - that I must leave him alone to miss us, to realise where love is and will make him happy. But it will be his choice.

The solidarity of women and their help, their kindness in the face of horrifying emotional pain, has been the thing that has kept me from going to the station and killing myself. That and the thought of the poor driver seeing my ugly mug splattered on his window.

I am sad that there will always be a Heartbreak Club and that more and more women seem to have joined. Some will mend and some too will regain their trust and the men will come trotting back like hens at dusk. But the fox is life, or another woman, or the freedom of being single. If they are taken by that - then they will not return.

Some days I am, as the poem says, drowning and not waving. But today when I am strong - I send out all my love (yes love) to all of you suffering, crying and maybe holding your children trying to explain why this has happened, what the future holds.

I hurt. I hurt so much that I wish there was another reality, into which I could slip quietly. Or that the earth would fold itself back and envelop me without fuss. But for now I must walk and I must keep as strong as I can muster.

I just wanted to say this, in some way of comfort and I hope, understanding.

How many times do you hear men bleat on that women change after they have children? They really do not seem able to cope....then blame women when it all fails...

I am sorry that you are yet another member of this wretched club.

Had a horrible day - argument with mother in law, who now seems to be feistily defending her son - saying that he must have been unhappy. She also blames me for the fact that my daughter adamantly does not want to see her father. Then another vile conversation with OH that cuts me right through my soul.

Yes I have a nurse - in London. Counselling service there wasn't great and I would have to go up to London for any support groups etc. But I am getting stronger now - trying to deal with, well you know that hurt.

I hope you can make your difficult geographical decision. I think you have to go where home feels like home. Your child will read from you and if you are happy, eventually they will be too. It's a confusing time, an upsetting time.....

We will get there - not just geographically but in our hearts. My daughter has a strong belief in karma and that gets her through....

Sorry to just pick up something you said their pukatheart which I have been thinking about since this thread started!

Is it my situation only or do these men have the weirdest relationship with their mothers? Considering they treat us the mother's of THEIR children so horrendous....that they have their own mother on some sort of thrown? Ex relationship with his mum was kinda freaky and felt very sexual? And if ex dad tried to say ex was a waste of space ...which he did often....then ex mum would turn on her DH.

Just a thought? Don't know if their is anything in it or not...I think their is with ex the mother the same personality (psychopath) and fostered this in her dc?

Again being reading that site that OP suggested on first page....it is so insightful and 'I'm not the only one phewie' as was getting a bit OMG I must be the only woman on the planet who the ex P is treating so badly and it must be my fault! Their are others like this?

Has anyone read the Donna Anderson book yet on that website....is it any good before I buy it? As Lundy's book just didnt explain it really is was only when I read 'Without Conscience' by Dr Hare I had the 'Ahaa' moment iygwim!!!

Well, Seriouschanger - I definitely agree with you there. I do firmly believe that if a woman plans to have children, before she marries she should watch carefully the relationship that her future DH has with his mother, and what sort of position she has in the family. Likewise men when they marry -what sort of relationship she had with her father. My DH and his family "hid" it very well, or should I say, put on their best behaviour in front of me, and only later did the true pattern emerge. My MIL is lovely to me, but in her own family, her late DH (I never met him, he passed away before I met DH) and her sons took her for granted, hardly communicated with her apart from wanting their meals. One son (my BIL) even used to ask her to fetch him a spoon to stir his tea after she'd just been discharged from hospital following heart problems (and he is fit and well)!! You think you will escape all that, because your own DH is educated and claims to live in the 21st century and treated you well before you had kids, but no, once children arrive, the family history kicks in and you find your DH turning into someone from the middle ages....

Thanks for your words of support Punkatheart, and the sound advice.

I guess I am subscribing to George Sand's quote "better to have loved and lost than not loved at all".....I certainly feel the "lost" bit is quite right - like he got lost in the Sainsburys aisle after we got home from the post natal ward and got switched with the alien-invaded Johnny Depp character in "The Astronaut's Wife"!! (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Astronaut's_Wife)

Sorry to hear you didn't get offered anything helpful with regards to support, and that you're too far away from any groups. I did wonder if that was the case. I hope you find some good friends - or even fellow survivors/sufferers even if not part of an actual group - who can be supportive. Hope your day is better tomorrow! A friend who has been through a similar situation advises very limited but polite contact with one's ex-MIL, as their views are usually very biased (towards the ex), even if they were previously pleasant or even warm to their daughters in law.

I am now giving my mother in law a wide berth - just as she once gave her son a wide birth. She is really struggling with the way her son has behaved and the fact that he has changed beyond all recognition. The only way she can cope is to shove the blame to my side. But my daughter does NOT want to see her father - she is hardening fast. But I have applied some gentle persuasion - she has to look him in the face and tell him, so that he can believe her and know that the pressure is not coming from me.

Hugs to you kipper.

But if you believe in karma, things will come right. It is something to hang onto. Last night I went into town on my own and joined a Writers' Group. I felt sad, I struggled a little - but I did it. I also got a call this week to say that I have been shortlisted for a major literary prize.

Life will go up.

I say it once and I say it again. You cannot do harm in the world, hurt people that love you, and walk away without consequence.

Congratulations on your shortlisting, Punkatheart! Well done you! Great to hear you say "life will go up". So many times I have heard and seen people's lives go from absolute poo (for want of a more polite term!) not of their own doing, to blissful happiness and previously inconceivable success and contentment. So hang in there and keep going to a Writers' Group, even on days that you don't want to say much. The company and the fact that you have a common focus -writing - will be therapeutic.

I have heard that parents in law and parents can almost be like a second set of kids in a split - "what will happen to me?", "I don't want to lose my grandkids and not be able to see them!", "why don't you just get back together - that will make things easier for me and everyone else", etc etc - which is understandable though unrealistic. I don't know how your daughter feels about seeing her in future. But if you feel you can't trust your MIL not to say things about you both and try to use her granddaughter to get you both back together (which some have been known to do), maybe a regular outing with you present - eg to an art gallery, museum or movie - where she can see and talk to your DD but not be able to discuss you both - may be a good initial start. And it probably will be nice for your DD to have another grandparent in contact - after all, she is a totally different person. No need to talk to her about it straightaway though, and there are always texts, email and the post - you can say what you want to say but not listen to her reply immediately!

I think your DD is rightly asserting some right to have some control over what happens to her in the midst of this turmoil, and she's right. She can see him if and when she's ready, but it needs to be when she herself has come to terms with what happened. Main thing is that the rest of her life stays stable and that this doesn't affect her studies and other pursuits - sport, etc. adversely.Hugs to you both!

As for me, am really not looking forward to all the nasties coming up - legal decisions, legal paperwork, deciding finances (unless "I get everything" is possible, just tick the box and not think about it any more!), access/residence/custody - which invariably involves cost of plane journeys whichever decision we make, we even have to sort out our various different passports...... Grr. Sigh.

Hello

Just dropping in via iPhone so short and sweet but your original question in your first post made me think of a Hemingway quote that I think of often when I can't imagine trusting anyone again (member of club husband walked out half way through ivf 3 after having lost two babies / ectopic and second trimester medical termination/ to find himself - read find himself under a girl at work he had been seeing for someone - and is now complaining me to remain in Australia where we I had only been living for 2.5 years when he left as we have gorgeous son)....anyway quote is:-

?The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.? I know that my heart is broken but I hope and intend it to be stronger in the future. I don't want to let this define me and make me a fearful person incapable of trust but that seems like a stretch goal at the moment but it is a goal. I'm not giving up (yet).

Good luck darling and I hope you find the strength you need - I am a year in and it has been and remains awful but I am still breathing and occasionally laughing which did not seem possible when it first happened as I was so blindsided.

Xx

That should read seeing for some time and compelling me (legally) to stay - bloody predictive text!!

Beautiful post, Downunder. Made me cry, then smile. You have had a terrible time but come out so wise and strong. I am so sorry that it must still hurt. I wake up throwing up, with a dicky tummy every morning. But I am still me. You are still you. We will endure and as you say, laughter and happiness will come.

Love to you.

xx

Hi I'm a recent member of the HC.
I'm determined that my break-up won't affect any future relationships i choose to have.
Mind you I'm very much into the idea of living without a man in the house.
Me and DD are settling in to our 'girls only house' very well. Even the cat's a girl.

Just to say I am nearly 2yrs on from the walk out and i look at life in a completed different way now .I am stronger and more contented than i have ever been and a much better person for the experience ie this has been the making of me in the deepest soul search ever to find peace(will always be ongoing so much to learn).I stopped loving my X 18mths after the split ,the way he disconnected from both his young children was really what finally put out any flame that was still there.I have worked hard on remaining positive ,i never knew i could feel pain like this .Rightly or wrongly i was so madly in love with him for 16yrs .Take care of yourself and surround yourself with positive people always .I developed a "healthy selfish "that means i dont do anything now i dont want to do and i dont feel guilty about it i just celebrate my independence everyday.I took back the power .We are the strongest bunch of women i know ,seriously .You are a top girl .Ur a punk yeah ,you'll get thru this ,ur a star xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Your household sounds lovely, Child. Our cat is female too!

Beautiful post, Patience. Oh what women these men have lost. I almost weep for them.

PH you will look back and realise you are one of the strongest women in the universe in years to come...I am delighted you have joined a writing group as this will help you spiritually to distract, grieve and recover...it is like what OP said about how the Ex just left the DC that finished any love for him.....this too in my case. When our dc are hurt we protect and never forgive for that and any emotions we had just disappears as our dc are the most precious things to us....I always say I don't care about me...it is what ex has done to ds that hurts me...PH you will get stronger as you will want to protect your dd through this time and beyond. Just get through every day for now.

Very true, serious. My DD does not want to see her father. Tonight he brought her home from school, after a prior arrangement. She wasn't very communicative and really froze him out. He walked out of his house, away from our beloved squealing cat, our laughter, our love...to his car and then home to his mother. What sort of person can do that?

The good thing was that I didn't feel much this evening. I didn't collapse and sob on the kitchen floor.

So thank you Serious for the lovely things you said. I don't feel strong but I am pushing myself.

your dd will be your 'rock' and she sees things clearly...the most important person in her life has had her heart broken by the other most important person in her life...she can see it is clearly wrong and she is treating him as he deserves....you cant fool/cover .....children always know! He is cold hearted, selfish and is able to walk away with ease as he has no empathy. I think you should follow your dd actions and both freeze him out of your lives while you deal with everything...he will only bring you down each time. Go to CSA and apply for maintenance and any benefits you are entitled too...also if house you both own/bank accounts go to solicitor asap....and tell him you will sell house when dd is left school/18...which ever comes last via solicitor!

I am going to be harsh now! Change your telephone numbers/emails and make sure him and mum have no contact ...you dont need the grief ...sorry how dare his mum speak to you like that when you are ill so at her....your dd has made it clear she wants no contact...she has her own mind please respect her wishes! If he wants to contact you he can via solicitor! Change your keys for all doors including car/front/backdoor.

This childish twunt needs to grow up and no better reality check than showing you mean buisness that it is over...he is getting a kick out of walking out...well shut the door in his face next time...he walked...so at way he treated you! Sounded so aggressive but cant stand this complete stranger for the pain he has caused you and your dd when it is one of the hardest times of your lives!

serious you speak a lot of truth, its amazing how their family however wrong they know their son has been still stick up for them, i think its down to shame

its four years on for me, and my life is so perfect I could never have thought but i suffered, through pregnancy and the year after although my son was planned for a year we tried, my ex was totally distant ansd pathetic whenI actually got pregnant

I wish i had kicked him out then, but I tried, anyways now its him that suffers. He loves his lovely little boy and has to watch him adore my partner and our lovely family which is secure

it doesn't matter what happens the child loves the secure parent and you are that parent

hes the one missing out

strength to you as I know how hard it is and how heartbreaking xx

I know what you mean serious and I completely understand the fury. But I could never cut off contact altogether. Sadly, I am poorly and there may be times that I need his help - but I do hope not. Also, I do not want his MIL telling people that I am the bad guy. Actually, she is a lovely person but is now standing by her son, which I guess is normal.

Tonight my DD does want to talk to her dad and tell her that she wants to cease contact. He just seems like a stranger to both of us. I cannot tell you how abruptly he has changed - from this cuddly laughing man to a hard corporate dead-eyed creature. She feels nervous around him. Sigh.

Pretty - I am so glad that you talk about your life as perfect. I get strength from that and I am so happy for you. Today I told my daughter that she must always be honest with the people who love her and never never hurt someone the way her father has hurt us.

Punk ,i was like a toddler round his ankles when he left ,cant believe i am free of his doom now ,but at the end of the day if he doesnt want to be with me ,to love cherish and support me ,it is better he is gone .The cancer is such a tough one ,i dont know how you cope with it all ,but i guess you just have to ,aint that the truth ,you just keep getting up every morning and say BRING IT ON !!!!
Sending you bright blessings..........in awe of your strength ..... Keep on keeping on !!!!!
ps link some tunes into ur thread ,yeah [smile ]tunes helped me loads xxxx

(((hugs))) PH I am sorry I am being angry for you...you don't have the energy to be angry and I don't blame you as it uses up all your energy and you need to concentrate on getting better.

I am very proud in how you are dealing with it and you are very strong!
Your dd is and will be stronger from this....please when you feel better you need to look at sociopath disorder...this sounds like your h. He is thinking he is in control by walzing in and out the house.....your dd will but him straight tonight...but I sadly feel this cold person will not care. He has decided to cut you both off at the same time...when a person can switch their emotions on and off like that they have serious problems...personality disorder...again please read sociopathic disorder. The more you understand how these people are/think/believe/behave the more power you will have to how to react....which is told either fight back (if Narccisst) or if psychopath/sociopath do not react ignore or get away from them asap. Sociopaths are clever and can hide their personna...but as soon as things not going their way they can change into this monster or stranger!

I ignore my ExP...if I respond the aggressive attacks get worse....he will attack when his life is going bad (usually another failed relationship) as he blames me each time.
I hope your h does not get nasty with you as you really don't need this PH

Thank you pretty I just hope my experience helps others umderstand these type of people...I sadly have had 8 yrs to carry on with the abuse no what I do...besides name changing and disappearing I don't think it will stop....but I am sure delighted things did turn out so fantastic for you and your ds and it has totally shown Kama....I don't think this will ever happen with ExP his life is fab...high paid job/batchelor pad no worries no child with disability to think of or no financial input....life of Riley!
My exP would never miss his ds....he clearly wants no contact (thankfully that is a blessing as I want to protect ds from being like his dad).

I have just read 'Black Swan' by Susan Anderson. It's really helpful. Subtitle is 'The 12 lessons of abandonment recovery'. You can find it on Amazon. x

ahh thanks unlikelyA Never heard of it! Will have a nose. Prefer a book that says do this and this....in short what are the headings for the main steps? Is it like never touching alcohol again...ie dont go in a pub etc

It's very clever. Not like a self-help book. Only about 100 pages. Written as an allegory but with very good and clear 'do this and do that' tips all the way through. I have found it really helpful and a quite wonderful read.

How are U UA I remember your thread so very clearly and since then my own H fucked off with an OW. Onwards and upwards. Sigh...

Very sad for you to hear this ike. Hope you're coping reasonably well. x

Thanks for that UA will look for it x