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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

does your dh swear at you during arguments?

93 replies

brandnewname · 11/09/2011 18:12

have name changed for this one and have cross posted to AIBU as I am getting pretty desparate and am struggling to work out whether it is me or him that has the problem - probably both I guess - please do not all just say "leave him" as I do not want to. (That is why I did not post here originally)

I just want to know what is normal for other couples (ie there is a big spectrum and I want to know what is on it IYSWIM).

When we argue (often - at the moment several times a week as are both working stupid hours and not getting much sleep) dh will often shout fck off, fck off" many times and/or call me an f*cking bitch. He also sometimes invades my personal space whilst making very aggresive facial expressions. He has never actually hit me but did once (about a year ago) say that he wanted to "push a glass in my face".

Sometimes I can see that I do provoke him (ie I am far from perfect :) ) but other times he will lose it because I do something wrong (eg bump the car or get a parking ticket etc - he will shout that I have "s*it for brains" and get really cross (we do not have financial problems so it is not the money - more my falability that he gets angry with - he will shout and shout about my being careless/not thinking/not caring about (my) car etc etc.

He does keep promising to stop but appears (after 15 years) still unable to. Have bought him various books on anger management but he doesn't like what he refers to as psycobabble. Also I dont' want to drive him to a heart attack by making him "bottle it all up" too much.

Anyway I just wanted to know if anyone else has a similar partner - how normal is this?

OP posts:

bibbitybobbityhat · 11/09/2011 22:38

Yes, but generally I am more of a swearer than he is.

twinklytroll · 11/09/2011 22:38

My dp went to anger management, it was a condition of us staying together. We paid for private sessions. I know someone at work who works as a part time counsellor and she put us in contact with someone. I think we paid £30 a session,. it may be more now.
you could look here

But your dh needs to fully agree or it is a waste of time.

pictish · 11/09/2011 22:40

Fonts - my dh is going through all the same channels.
I am pleased, but stay out of it. The only involvement I want from it, is the outcome of a pleasant, easy going, supportive husband....which he is being.

Avinalarf · 11/09/2011 22:40

Only read the OP.

No. My DH might occasionally say 'Oh for fuck sake' or use the word 'fucking' if really cross (which is rarely - he is pretty placid) but he never swears at me and has never called me a name.

I think men who call women 'fucking bitch' when they lose their temper are scum, frankly.

SurpriseMuffins · 11/09/2011 22:41

DH and I argue abnormally infrequently (or so I'm told) but sometimes when we do we have sworn at each other - however, when that happens its usually after a lot of smaller arguments, and never as personal attacks. We are both well aware that what you have said you can't take back.

What you describe in your OP is not normal behaviour, sorry. As for being fine the rest of the time - are you sure? Do his words then have no lasting impact? If so, what was the purpose of this thread?

Fontsnob · 11/09/2011 22:48

Pictish, I'm happy to hear it. I don't blame you for staying out of it, when dh wantsto talk I listen but I realised the other day that we have to be careful that he doesn't shift all the blame to his df and still takes responsibility for his own actions. He has a lot to sort out with his df and that anger is starting to come out, (and it is justifiable anger) not towards me though and not in an aggressive way.

RedRubyBlue · 11/09/2011 22:50

"You talk too loud in public". Too loud really or too loud for him?

Do you ring a bell and scream from the rooftops?

Does he say nothing in a social situation?

Does he feels uncomfortable with a partner who does talk and has something to say whereas he doesn't?

Just a thought.

kingbeat23 · 11/09/2011 22:56

Do you know, when I first saw the topicline, I thought here we go another useless drivel for Sunday night. But no, this is something so heart rendering for me that I felt urged to post.

I think that even if you are the sweary-ist (if that is even a word!) kind of person, the language your DH is using is totally unacceptable. It is controlling and whether or not you think your children are picking it up or not, they are.

Even though in your OP you stated you didn't want to be told to leave him, you have obviously weighed up the idea in your mind as you stated about being manipulated in court so that you might not get custody of the children and the fact that you are tied to him by your job.

Exactly a year ago today, I split with my XDP. A manipulative, abusive pillock of the highest order. I didnt think I would be able to cope either emotionally or financially, but I have. I have also received help from my health visitor with regards to seeing people in a counselling format to help me deal with:

the abusive relationship
my daughters violent tantrums as a by product of witnessing (however mild they were, the violence was out of her way, she still picked up on the atmosphere at home)

I have had one on one parenting counselling from them as well. The thing is, if you are to recieve this type of help from the state, then it means you have to admit there is a problem. Are you AND him willing and able to do that, if so, then the help is out there. If not, then good luck.

HTH

Original poster

brandnewname · 11/09/2011 23:05

You talk too loud in public. Too loud really or too loud for him? not sure - no on ehas ever complained about me but I don't worry much at all about what others think - possibly I am not 100% considerate so maybe do talk too loudly but not shouting.

He does talk in social situations - just doesn't want to socialise - very "black and white" with people - ie unless he gets on well enough to want someone to be his best friend for life then he cannot be bothered to talk to them. He can be very witty and amusing when he wants to but he just says that me and the kids are enough for him and he doesn't want to socialise.

OP posts:

babycham42 · 11/09/2011 23:12

I have to admit that I thought it was quite normal to be sworn at by DH (I"m not saying right,or desirable,but normal) but judging by the responses on here it"s not.
I don"t think anyone could say that DH saying he wants to push a glass in your face is normality though.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 12/09/2011 07:32

"if I do manage to pursuade him to go for help for anger management then where would we go? I have been suggesting Relate to him but am now worried that they will say that it is abusive and refuse to see us."

Anger management is less than useless for abusers. He doesn't have an anger problem, he has an abuse problem. He isn't abusive because he's angry, he's angry because he's abusive.

Relate will refuse to see you as a couple if abuse is present, with good reason. Because abuse is not a couple problem, it's the abuser's problem.

"He also has a real "thing" - major issue - with what other people think (which translates into lots of situations where I embarrass him/make him feel awkward). This is real (ie he really is cringing with embarrassment when I do things like talk "too loudly" in public etc - he admits that he has a problem with this and I suspect that it comes from lack of confidence) - but where would we go for help?"

"We" can't get any help for him. This is his problem. Only he can choose to get help. Please stop being responsible for his issues. They are his and his alone. If he wants to get help, if he wants to stop abusing you, if he wants to obtain psychotherapy for his childhood issues, then he can. They are his actions, his choice.

Fontsnob · 12/09/2011 07:45

Well said itsme, he has to be the one to do it. I gave dh the phone number of the therapist and left him to it. I knew it would mean nothing if I made the appointment.

pictish · 12/09/2011 09:40

Couldn't agree more. When I walked out on him, HE took responsibility for the situation, HE contacted the doctor, and HE committed himself to sorting his head and his behaviour out......I had, and still have, nothing to do with it.

If was doing it to please me, then he was doing it for all the wrong reasons. He had to do it for himself....his behaviour, his problem, his choice.

pictish · 12/09/2011 09:52

And OP - don't feel sorry for him because of his issues....don't excuse or justify his bad behaviour in your head. He will rely upon this to get away with verbally abusing you.
There are many people out there, who have been damaged or hurt with childhood pain....but most of them do not choose to be abusive to their partners because of them.

That was something my husband came to realise. You'd be pretty hard pushed to find someone who hasn't suffered some form of pain in their lives, and the resulting low mood and lack of confidence and feelings of anger.....BUT that certainly doesn't offer up a licence to call our spouse 'shit for brains', does it?

Nothing will change until you wake up to the fact that he chooses to behave this way out of nothing other than sheer arrogance, and lack of manners.

exoticfruits · 12/09/2011 09:54

I would echo pictish-these are his issues and he needs to deal with them-don't let him hand them on to you as your responsibility.

Wamster · 12/09/2011 11:20

If he had a fiery but non-abusive personality, he would swear, shout, kick things but none of this would be directed towards you.

He wouldn't call YOU names.

Naturally, if he is fiery but non-abusive, he should work on it because it would have an indirect effect of scaring you. In this situation, anger management may be legitimate and worth a go.

But as his behaviour is directed towards you, it is abusive and, really, you should leave. If you want to know the right thing to do, it is this.

Misspixietrix · 12/09/2011 12:05

just wanted to send the OP a ((hug)) as it sounds like you need one. It sounds like you know it's not normal but you wanted some kind of confirmation from others to confirm that you weren't just 'overthinking' things shall we say. I agree with notsorted post, you need to sit him down and tell (not ask!) him what you're not prepared to tolerate, I agree with others aswell, try and set a support network up outside of the home so you don't feel so smothered if that makes sense & have a time to just be 'you' :)

Misspixietrix · 12/09/2011 12:10

also just wanted to agree with what other posters said, especially about not accepting such behaviour from your own friends so why your partner; another poster said he behaves like this because you let him, I agree my bf's told me this before about my H, call his butt on it & pull him up everytime he gets carried away with himself. Also think of it this way would he swear & talk to HIS mates how he does you? probably not so to your OP I'd say no it's not normal & it needs to change x

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