Can't stand my DH - but he won't listen

[littlepiglet]

I was just wondering if anyone could offer any advice, as I feel so utterly miserable (though I know my problems are pathetic compared to others).

I posted before about how my DH didn't seem interested in sex, something he vehemently denies, and when we argue about it (talking gets me nowhere), then he does have sex, but straight after it's back to as before - and I cannot take it anymore.

We've only been together for two years (we have a DD whose a year, and I'm 7 months pregnant). We didn't marry because of DD, we'd arranged the marriage before we found out I was pregnant; it was a shock as I'd been told I couldn't get pregnant, and was nearly 40 yrs old.

Sex has never been a problem in our relationship (& we've had a few problems). It'd always been great, so I'm really confused as to how rubbish being ignored is making me feel... and how his dismissal of a problem is making me incredibly angry with him.

We're having intimacy maybe once a fortnight, not always sex & always after an argument.

I understand that men don't find pregnant women attractive, and have allowed for that, however, that is his problem (and which he denies), and tbh he never had a problem last year.

The other night I really wanted him (sad I know). I'd jsut had my hair cut & coloured (costing a small fortune), and I've been making an effort in dressing up, doing make-up etc. He ignored me. He came up when I was asleep... but in reality I was laying there crying.

I came downstairs as I can't bear to lie there next to him, when he doesn't want me.

He followed me downstairs & shouted at me to go to bed. He was quite aggressive (though didn't hurt me - he did sort of slap me but not hard, but it made me cry more). He then left the room and came in being all nice, and decided to talk - whist pointing a video camera at me. He questioned all the nasty things I said to him (and I did as I was frustrated at him ignoring me & making me feel hideous & unlovable). He was all nice, he said that he thought I wanted to sleep, that he'd come up with me earlier the next night, that he loved me so much, but it was my "head" that made me feel like this, not him.

So last night - well he let me go upstairs, while he watched the tennis, had coffee, played on his laptop, and came to bed late - again! I was nearly asleep, but he asked me to kiss him goodnight - which I refused.

I just feel awful - obviously he lied on camera - looking to be the calm voice of reason, whilst I was a crying hysterical mess... but the words were meaningless, and still he ignores me.

I've told him several times that I want to split up - I'd much rather be a single mother than live in a loveless, sexless sham of a marriage, but he won't entertain it - he just says it's my head that's the problem... but I feel so fucking hideous... surely if he is in love with me he'd show it?

He doesn't like walking around town with me - always walks behind, always ogles other women (always younger), and always makes comments about how he finds 50yr old women unattractive - I'm just over 8 yrs off that!

See this is where I get confused, and the reason I haven't left - he's not like it very much, in fact I usually instigate the arguments, as I'm fed up with being ignored, and treated like a housemate, and I long for the romantic stuff to come back, and I get so upset in bed at night, so upset, so tired of crying myself to sleep, that I bait him - so in that way it is my fault, and I don't think he'd argue with me otherwise.

That said I really don't this kind of relationship, I need to be needed, to be wanted, to be loved, and I've told him that we're not compatible, that's when he goes off on one

He needs a long long holiday very far away *piglet

We have our very own ticket seller Miss BibiBlocksberg in her very smart (though rather tight) uniform who will shortly be in to sell him a One Way Ticket to the Far Side of Fuck.

Actually I will buy it for him, as a gift!

Don't worry - you will be fine!

He films you when you are distressed in order to make himself look better and make you look worse.

If this were a film (sadly it is not) it would be a very very good plot device to show that this character was, if not a dangerous psychopath, then something very close to one.

I can hear in your OP how worn down you are, not feeling worthy of any real affection, making allowances for his callousness, struggling to stay on level ground when it is shifting under you, all the time.

He is treating you like some kind of project for his own gratification, manipulating you to bare your soul then putting the boot in when you are at your most vulnerable.

You think your situation isn't that bad? I dont agree and I think you'll find that everyone else here thinks the same.

The good thing is you know this is wrong, and that you need to get away, because things are only going to get worse.

I just feel awful - obviously he lied on camera - looking to be the calm voice of reason, whilst I was a crying hysterical mess...

Exactly, love, exactly. It is all about how he appears to others. He does not give a shit about your feelings, only about how much he can control you. He has a great hollow void where his soul should be, and very fibre of your being knows it, and is screaming at you to get away.

You cannot bring a child up around this man. He is capable of inflicting the worst kind of psychological damage, and clearly longs for a child he can mould in his own image.

Please, please, start taking steps to get out. PM me if you want to. I am 41, btw, I have a young child, and getting rid of her toxic father was the best thing I ever did.

You know, I'd be willing to bet that if you stopped chasing after him, trying to seduce him, he'd be all over you like a rash. Indeed, if you pretty much lost interest altogether, he'd grope you to within an inch of your life. This is because what he is getting off on is the power over you. As long as you want it, he'll make sure you don't get it. Yes, pretty sick (and you're supposed to be the one with MH problems?).

Try it and see - but not as a bit of game-playing to tease him into sex, as a demonstration that this is how he works. Then you will realise that you do have to get away.

He's not like it very much
I long for the romantic stuff to come back

Please educate yourself about abusive behaviour and in particular, the cycle of nice and nasty behaviour:

"The Mean and Sweet Cycle:

"The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned."

The romantic stuff is nothing more than manipulation to get you back right where they want you - trusting and vulnerable.

You poor thing you are in the middle of an abusive cycle with a man who doesn't care and will not ever care about you.

Phone womena aid and get you and your babies to safety.

The man you think you are living with doesn't exist I'm afraid.

Good luck

Somebody call me to issue a ticket to the Far Side of Fuck? Writing this abusive knobber's personal billet now OP.

Sorry, I must sound very flippant (class clown-itis) I could not believe what I was reading especially the crap with the video camera

I too recommend you start reading the EA support thread - think you'll find it immensely helpful in 'de-programming' the crap your so called partner has forced into your head!

MadameOvary that's exactly it - he just cares how others see him!

He's said it so often - that he worries about what I've told my friends, what they think of him! It drives me insane, as I care less what my friends think, than what I think. It has always confused me, why he cares so much what my friends think of him... instead of working at the issues I complain about/matter to me, which is surely more important than 'keeping up appearances'.

I guess the other thing is he was married for 14 years, and his wife left him for another man, leaving him to bring up their teenage son. Whereas I've had a few long-termish relationships, never lived with anyone except DS's dad (who used to seriously beat me up & I left when pregnant). So my relationship history is less secure than his, so any problems could be seen to be my fault.

He also successfully brought up his son, whereas although my DS passed his 11+ and went to the local grammar school, he (and I) fell apart after his dad attacked me, and tried to kill us all. After that DS began to fail at school, and despite attending rape crisis counselling for a year, I still fell apart, and was then diagnosed as bipolar, so I guess he's the better, more stable parent.

"I've told him several times that I want to split up - I'd much rather be a single mother than live in a loveless, sexless sham of a marriage, but he won't entertain it - he just says it's my head that's the problem... "

littlepiglet, perhaps you should step back and think for a minute about what you've said here. You want to leave, but he won't entertain it. Why does what he want get to overrule what you want? Why do you need his permission in order to end the relationship if that's what you want? It seems like there is a power imbalance here where you are allowing his needs to trump yours, and hence staying in a relationship that is no good for you, just because he won't set you free.

If you are waiting around for his approival to end the relationship you may never get it. You need to take your destiny into your own hands and start building up the the support networks and mental strength to do what's best for you and your DCs, whatever you decide that is.

Wow, so sorry for you littlepiglet. I don't post much on MN (being a man I figure it's not always appropriate), and when I do it's usually to try and give a male perspective on things. In this case I'm though lost for words, yours is probably the most horrible story I've read. I'm actually shaking writing this!

This man is being unimaginably cruel and controlling, and the video thing makes my skin crawl, that's utterly appalling. Sex only after an argument is freaky, and btw not all men find pregnant women unattractive ... that's not normal either.

I also don't think there's such a thing as a 'sort of slap', any kind of slap is DV. The potential for this to escalate terrifies me, especially with you being pregnant with a child he doesn't want, and it's why you need to get away from this animal. You said you 'bait' him, and I think it's why you've put up with his behaviour till now but it's absolutely not true. He is driving you to the edge, you snap, and then he reacts - that's not your fault.

He doesn't love you, but it's not because you're hideous, it's because he is the worst kind of bastard. No-one should be treated the way you are being. You've made every effort to save your marriage, you can leave knowing that you tried as hard as could. It's time to end this, you deserve so much better than this man.

Witholding sex IS emotional abuse. Denying that he's doing it IS emotional abuse. Then blaming you is CLASSIC emotional abuse.

The reason he witholds sex and affection is because it works a treat as a tool to manipulate you.

I would say that your h is actually quite dangerous, and you need to urgently make efforts to inform yourself as quickly as you can, before something really awful happens.

Oh by the way........your children living in this environment?....That is CHILD ABUSE. And while you are in this relationship..YOU are responsible for that.

Sorry if that scares you. It was the only thing that woke me up to my reality. I'm sure that you are not a child abuser...are you? Get them and you OUT.

He sounds like a total weirdo OP - sorry I can't be any more help than that...

Sweetheart, you went from one abusive relationship to another. And if the first relationship had not comprehensively destroyed your self-esteem, there is no way you would be so down on yourself as to call him the better, more stable parent!!!

So you are bipolar, so what? You are asking for help, that is a pretty stable thing to do in my book, meanwhile what is he doing? Torturing a woman he claims to love, not only that but a pregnant woman FFS!

I bet he was nice as pie at first wasn't he? They usually are.

I bet your mental health would improve dramatically away from him.

Hi littlepiglet

My ExP (and DD's father) used to do this to me. We'd have a row, usually over him accusing me of cheating on him or flirting with his friends or some other rubbish, I'd be sobbing and distressed, then he'd get out his mobile phone and film us having a 'discussion', usually where I'd continue crying and he would blame everything on my 'bipolar disorder' (which I don't even have but which he convinced himself and his entire family that I did...)

Afterwards, camera off, he would hug me, cuddle me, kiss my head, brush my hair behind my ears and tell me how I mean the world to him and he hates seeing me so upset. And I fell for it!

I eventually left and cannot believe how long I put up with it for. What a mug. I'm miles better without him. You will be miles better without this manipulative, horrible man.

Your mental health is irrelevant and it is grossly unfair of him to use this against you. Ugh. He is an abuser and you need to leave. It is absolutely horrifying that he has broken you down to the point where you believe this camera-wielding manipulative violent abuser is the more stable parent.

And ignore all that bullshit about 'he's hurt because his wife left him for another man!'. I went out with a similar abusive freak for FIVE years and at the beginning he said the same thing.

And frankly after 3 years with him, I'd have run off with the man who read the meters.

This pathetic weirdo is using your mental illness against you. I am also bi-polar and know what it's like when you have been candid with your partner only for them to continually accuse you of being 'mad'.

In the end I realised thart I nay have had a diagnosis but my partner was seriously more nutty than I could ever be. And that in fact, he liked me being ill as it seemed less likely then I'd leave.

It does make one wonder whether his previous wife ran off with another man, abandoning her child, or whether she fled, but gave up on believing she could or should take her son with her. Maybe he collected a whole lot of "evidence" about her as well. Maybe he told her she was mad and that he could prove she was unfit to care for a child. Maybe she would have left many years earlier if she had felt anyone would believe or support her. Do you think any of this is likely? Have you ever spoken to her?

Actually my XH (who was nothing like as appalling as yours) told everyone, including the DCs, I left him for another man. This is in fact completely untrue. I won't say I wasn't tempted, for the very reasons you say... but I never did shag another man and I can't even face the thought of another one in my life at the moment. He also said I was an unfit mother because of my "psychosis" (depression actually, and he caused it!). Again, rubbish.

Funnily enough I was going to post much the same as Happyhubbie but he beat me to it - that I usually find myself here defending a male viewpoint and challenging female assumptions, but I find it pretty hard to do that in this case.

The thing with the video camera is just freaky. I must admit if I were you it would be in pieces over his fucking head by now. It certainly seems like there's some deliberate backstory about gathering evidence for custody battles once you inevitably divorce.

And, while I know this is hard with the bipolar issues, you may have to be as calculating and ruthless about it as he is if you want to win.

I've read many appalling threads on the Relationships board on here, but your OP actually made ny jaw drop in horror.
There have been many wise words of advice written here by people better qualified than I, but I would strongly suggest that you track down that video footage and delete it if you can. I agree with whoever says it actually just says more about him than you (i.e. him being a psychopath) but I would hate to think that footage like that even existed of me.

'He also successfully brought up his son, whereas although my DS passed his 11+ and went to the local grammar school, he (and I) fell apart after his dad attacked me, and tried to kill us all. After that DS began to fail at school, and despite attending rape crisis counselling for a year, I still fell apart, and was then diagnosed as bipolar, so I guess he's the better, more stable parent.'

Oh, littlepiglet it sounds like you've been through an absolutely horrific time.

You need to be aware that abusive men often seek out women who have been past victims of abuse as they see them as being more vulnerable and therefore easier to manipulate and undermine. You really need to consider this fact when you think about the way that your partner behaves towards you.

((((littlepiglet)))))

Dear Littlepiglet,
there are bits here that remind me of my ex - he recorded things on his phone, kept loads of emails, checked mine, and also he did that taking a photo of his willy stuff - he was looking after DS who was a few weeks old and I found a pic of his erection on the computer (go figure!). I was neglected too when I wanted comfort. I used to lie in bed and cry when I was pregnant - it's perfectly normal hormonal stuff - but the response I got with him telling me to shut up, turning over or putting in ear plugs. It is serious self-esteem problems, he is a very, very scared man and dealing with it in the most terrible way possible. I would guess as far as he is concerned that he is dead scared of you leaving him as his ex did. But enough about him. He is the only one to sort this. You must look after yourself. It's horrible being rejected and it does make you try harder to be wanted, but that is playing into his hands, as well as arguing because it does get you some response.
Pls get some RL help. Perhaps talk to a midwife? Make an extra appointment and don't be afraid to offload. Just saying it helps
(((hugs)))

I've only read the 1st few things about him & this screams "get out" He is deliberatly winding you up & the videoing you. What does he hope to gain from that?
I'd be very afraid.

He was quite aggressive (though didn't hurt me - he did sort of slap me but not hard, but it made me cry more ). He then left the room and came in being all nice, and decided to talk - whist pointing a video camera at me. He questioned all the nasty things I said to him (and I did as I was frustrated at him ignoring me & making me feel hideous & unlovable). He was all nice, he said that he thought I wanted to sleep, that he'd come up with me earlier the next night, that he loved me so much, but it was my "head" that made me feel like this, not him.

LittlePig

Please don't live any more of you life with this man. He has complete control over you. He slapped you' but not hard'? Thing is though, the next time might be hard. Or more than a slap.

WOMENS AID Please have a look on here. They can help you. They will listen. They will talk to you.

You don't need him. He is a violent bully, not a DH. Reading your posts has made my skin crawl. Please, find that footage and delete it.

Agree that speaking to your MW is a good idea. And yes, ask for an extended appt.

Do you have any real life support? A best friend or family member who you can confide in?

I'll just add, that there is something deepy wrong when someone who's partner has a diagnosed mental illness tells that them that any problems in the relationship are 'in their head'. By saying things like this he is trying to use your mental illness against you to make you doubt and question yourself.