Feeling a sad third place in DHs life....

[Slightlyfedup]

Name changed. Regular lurker and small time poster!
Been married nearly 11 years. 3 DC who are 7, 6 and 4. DH works in a very high powered job long hours and I am a SAHM since DS1 was born.
DH working practices have long been a bone of contention with us with periods of him trying and sometimes being able to moderate his hours, periods of complete insanity hours wise but mostly in between.
He regularly works a 60 hour week.
He used to work in London with a bitch of a commute but recently took on a different role which in theory sounded more attractive managing 5 offices, 2 within an hour of home and 3 further afield, although with his 'main base' 1.5 hours drive away. When he was offered the role he played it to me very much that he would be more in control of his hours and could be more flexible.
Suffice to say this has not happened.
Next week on Weds DD starts school. She is my last to go and I am feeling a little wobbly TBH especially as as a SAHM everyone keeps asking me 'what will you do with yourself' which is meant kindly but just makes me feel redundant. I also have 2 evening meetings for voluntary work I do, both of which could be very stressful. I have arranged outside babysitting for both.
Last night he announces that he will be away overnight on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights, and at a dinner on Thursday until late. All these events are indifferent cities across his patch.
The DC (and I) will not see him from Sun evening until Friday night (kids prob Sat am) and although this is not unusual I cannot believe he has not taken any account of his DD starting school. She is very nervous about it.
He is popping back Thursday afternoon to change and get a car to his dinner when I asked if he could manage to make school pick up he got shorty and said it depended on his phone calls.
Gosh this is long sorry. I am trying to encapsulate in this one incident where I feel the DC and I come in his life. Second and me a lowly third.
I have tried to talk to him before about these issues but get no where. I have mostly come to accept it but sometimes weeks such as next week throw me. He has known DDs start date sine June... He is incapable of saying no at work but happy to let me and more importantly the DC down.
I have offered to go back to work so he can down size his job but ultimately he doesn't want to. There is no way I can work with him working these sorts of hours.
He has the ultimate get out clause that he has to work so hard to earn the money. It's patently not true as so many other men appear to work the system in their favour.
So anyway no real question there is there? Just a general moan.. Don't know where to go from here. I sometimes think I would be better off on my own.

Only the OP knows how she feels. It doesn't actually matter whether the rest of us think it's a problem or not. If it's a problem for her then it's a problem!

Likewise, she cannot 'make' her husband understand that problem. If he doesn't understand or isn't prepared to listen, there is only so much she can say or do.

Ultimately, she does have control over the situation. She can tell him how this makes her feel. If he isn't prepared to change or help, she can either suck it up or leave.

Sorry, I know it sounds very black and white but I've studied Alpha males for some time now and it's generally their way or the highway. They're generally not the touchy feely types. If she wanted one of those she should have married a social worker!

I don't think he would give the child the same answer.

He's able to ignore what he's doing if he doesn't see the impact on the children. If his child asks him to be there on the first day of school, he should see the importance of it.

Disagree. I think that's using the child to fight your own battles. If the OP has a problem with her husband and the way he is (or isn't) with the children, she needs to take it up with him herself. Using a child is cowardly.

... And the first day of school really isn't that important, is it? I'd think my DH had gone mad if he were proposing to have time off for a first day at school. I'd want him to save time off for something that really matters. The child won't remember whether her father was there or not; all that matters is that one parent - and preferably the one who spends all her time with her - is able to take her and collect her again.

What happens if you act like a genuine single-parent? I.e. just plan everything without him, and maybe leave the odd note to say what people are up to? Think you should definitely get out of the house more - maybe do some volunteering in school hours to get back in the swing? Your local Women's Aid shelter would probably love someone who could commit to running a children's play session once a week..

And then maybe your H would realise that if he doesn't participate he will actually be losing out hugely...?

And you've reminded yourself that if he's chosen to take a purely financial approach to the relationship, well, you can get by.

It's rubbish I know, but you can't change him. Give him a couple of chances to change himself, but make sure you've got your own equilibrium sorted.

Handsoff - I remember my own DF wasn't there on my first day at school, and that was 38 years ago.

It's just one of those things that tells you where you are in his priorities.

Luckily he's been more open over the last few years, and I make a point of forcing contact as I can recognise his own issues (which I won't go into here but which aren't his fault)

My DF missed all sorts of 'big events'. He and I had (have) a fab relationship and it really didn't matter in the slightest. I remember him once talking to my teacher about my progress in Chemistry at parents' evening. I wasn't doing Chemistry at the time.

Only time will tell how the OP's children perceive their father. As a parent, you just have to make the best of whatever situation you are in. It will be a problem for the OP's children if she turns it into a problem for them. If, on the other hand, they see her being happy and fulfilled in her role, they will be fine.

PerAr6ua, how many men were there on your first day of school? I don't remember ever seeing a man at the school gates.

Op I understand where your coming from my husband also works 60 hours + in a demanding role but I only have 1 ds who has just darted school. My dh only sees our son at the weekends due to work but when he is there he is a fantastic father and husband and I know everything he does is for us . I sometimes feel sad that he doesn't spend enoughtime with our ds but he is always there fir the important moments eg staring school ...

I guess what I'm saying is I'm sure your dh thinks he's doing the rght thing by providing for you and maybe feels looking after the children is your role , Which I know is caveman like but I also know lots o f men like this !

My Dad didn't take me to school. He was at work earning a crust. It didn't bother me in the slightest.

None! But he also didn't make the ballet recital or the gym display, and it all got noted down... [spreadsheet] [kidding]

Loads of men there on first day at our school.
Loads of men there every day actually.

Gosh, poor you. It is tough out there and more and more is expected of employees, but usually there comes a "breaking point" for everyone. Perhaps this is it.

The devious side of me says, any chance you can be called away to a family emergency for a week so he HAS to take some responsibility?

The more rational side thinks that you need to look after you here - only you know how long you are really prepared to put up with this for, but its time to find work for you so you can get some independence from the home, which will help with how you feel about it all and give you some much needed financial independence should you reach your breaking point. Do you know what your breaking point is? If so, could you tell DH? He is clearly used to negotiating at work, so perhaps you need to lead in a way he will understand, in his own language along the lines of "I know you love your job and work hard for the family. I can put up with the fact that xyz happens and you miss abc, but really want you to know how much pressure this puts on our family life and how I feel about you ... if jkl ever happens though, you need to be aware that our current arrangement ends and I will xxxx (insert what you will do)"

Really it doesn't matter whatg anyone else does but just for the info DH has come to evey first day at school in each year for all our children so that is 15 times he has been a little bit late to work - an hour or so - so he could be there for their first days. He also comes to every school thing he can. Lots of dads to the drop off and pick up at our school.

OP, your husband clearly loves his job and how it makes him feel but does he also love how it gives him an out at home? Why does he not want to be at home more, why does he not want to be with your dd on her first day? Why does he not feel he should be home with his children so you can do things in the evenings? Those are the questions you need to be asking him and you need to do it when the children are in bed, none of this not talking to him at the weekend as that is his time with the children. It should be your time as a family and then you talk once they are in bed.

And just one more thing, your dd being nervous could be because she is picking up on your distress at her starting school. I know it is hard but you need to change how you feel and talk quite matter of factly about this is happening now you are 4/5 and think about the positives of you having free time at school? You are not redundant, you still have a role to fullfil and tbh I have so much to do in the house when mine are at school I wonder how peole manage to work as well.

PerAr6ua: did you actually want your parents there? I don't think either of mine ever attended anything bar parents' evening. They were brilliant parents (still are); they were just hands-off about that kind of thing. Thank God. Children need their own space to do things without a parent twittering on in the margins (going off topic now, I admit!)

Um, yes.

FGS You cant act like a single parent unless you are one!

Unless of course you fancy holding down a full time job, doing everything at home, coming home late and then helping your kids with homework, then doing chores until midnight after they are in bed. Dont forget about turning down social invites from couples - because you wont get any - and making sure you give away a large portion of the money your h is earning so you can struggle to pay the bills. Want to swap? thought not

You could always get a dog. Thats what all of my SAHM friends with husbands in high powered jobs have done.

Firstly, other posters saying "you should be grateful, I have is worse" is completely unhelpful.

The OP is not happy with her life. She would like to speak to her DH about a compromise that makes them both happier. This is what normal couples do. Her DH is refusing, on the grounds that he is more important than her and her happiness is secondary to his. She should put up and shut up because is the Earner and she is the Little Woman.

That is the crux of the matter.

I don't see that the OP is getting any respect from her DH as a human being with her own wants, dreams and ambitions. She is a drudge to him who cleans his house and raises his children.

Why on earth should she be happy with, or indeed grateful for, this situation?

I don't think the OP is saying she wants him their on the first day of school.

Her grievance is the fact he's so remote and unreachable. Mr Spock comes to mind - completely disconnected from his wife and family life.

He sounds a real pain in the arse to live with - or hardly live with. Like he's opted out.

There - not their.

My comment wasnt really directed at the OP, more at the poster who suggested she 'act' like a single parent.

Sorry elastamum - that was me. But if all he's putting into the relationship and childcare is money - even though he sleeps there sometimes - that's pretty much what she is, no?

Exactly I do not actually expect him to roll up onWednesday morning (he hasn't for either DS). What I would like is him to see her at some point once this week. He leaves before they wake up every day. And he will not be home any night this week to see her and ask her how it has gone or reassure her before she goes...
I am not anxious about her going. I have been positive about school with her, seeing her pre school friends again, making new ones etc. I cannot believe actually that this working week has been allowed to happen by him in this way.
He makes nothing that the DC do except Saturday morning football for the boys. No parents evenings, no school concerts, no Xmas shows, no hospital appointments (which DS2 has plenty of) etc etc.
I would be willing to live on much less money, or work or both to alter this lifestyle. As someone said I need to decide how much more I can take.
I should also add that I do do voluntary work which is currently evening based as I have had DD at home until now. I know I can fill my days.
I also know the reality of the working world. I inhabited this world for 12 years. I earnt more than him for the early part of our marriage. We did not discuss what we would do when DC1 came along and in hindsight this was a mistake.
He is out running at the moment preparing for his half marathon in a couple of weeks. He runs and attends the gym 5 times a week on top of those hours. It is his 'outlet' to relieve his work stress.
I love him. I want him in my life. I want him in my DC life. No I don't want to be a single mum and understand that my situation is not like a single mums role in reality.
What I don't love is our current situation and that is entirely up to me to sort.
Thanks for all the advice and empathy. It's nice to know I am not the only one!
Ps my dad was mostly absent in my childhood. My mum was like me. He walked out after 20 years of marriage. Our relationship is ok but not great. I cannot believe I am repeating this pattern.....

patterns are easy to repeat. But maybe if you demonstrate to him how negligible he's made himself in his family's life, he still has a chance to not be your father iyswim?

I agree with AnnieL.

Nothing new to add but wanted to say that I can undrestand why your dh's attitude and actions cause you hurt.