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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

His temper is terrible, I'm ending it and I'm scared

70 replies

scaredofhistemper · 10/09/2011 15:47

I've been seeing a new man. We have not yet slept together, but get on like a house on fire.

He is good looking, I am very attracted to him. WE must have spent nso many hours on the phone since we met (July)

He treats me so well, but is vile to other people. I thought he was boisterous, but some friends have pointed out how scared people actually are of him.
This week was a revelation. He called me from probation; I did not know he was on probation. He was swearing at the receptionist while on the phone to me. It turns out he is on probation for fighting and really resents it.

Virtually every day he will tell me about someone he is very angry with (probation, boss, mum, mum's partner, random in the pub....).

There is no question he has to go. But I'm terrified :( I am dreading being the object of his anger. I made the decision after the probation phone call but did not know howI was going to go about it. Last night I decided that I would contact him today and say how I feel. I've been shaking, spent all morning on and off the loo with terror. I've gone completely off radar to a friends house. I know I should just contact him and end it NOW but I'm putting off the fallout, which could be horrible.

I'm a regular and have name changed, partly because I do not want to be outed, and partly because I'm so ashamed to be in this ridiculous situation.
Please kick me (gently) into touch

OP posts:

beatenbyayellowteacup · 13/09/2011 21:11

You haven't gone far back in time. You have spotted him early on. You are strong. Your life will be so much better again once he's gone, because he is the problem, not you.

Original poster

scaredofhistemper · 13/09/2011 21:16

That is true beaten I would have ignored my instincts years ago.
I just want this ending it process over, I've ended it and as yet he has not accepted it. I'm jumpy as hell, my phone is on silent, and I'm constantly checking it (if he announces he is coming over, god forbid, I would like to know about it!). I think the absolute shame I feel is holding me back from talking to people, those closest to me went through all of this with me years ago. A few have told me how worried they are for me, and this would really worry people

OP posts:

Original poster

scaredofhistemper · 13/09/2011 21:17

perfectstorm yes, a warning stamp would be great, although a few of those who have met him kinda thought he was displaying a few signs

OP posts:

beatenbyayellowteacup · 13/09/2011 21:24

There's no shame here. It is not the same situation as years ago. You're wiser than you were then. I do think you need to tell someone in RL what has happened though, so that there is a quick response if you need it, other than the police. Have you called WA for advice?

Now, will you be even wiser next time? Get that twat radar finely tuned?

Original poster

scaredofhistemper · 13/09/2011 22:29

Twat radar is blaring out signals at me right now!

I've had drunken voicemails, crying, begging and announcing that no, actually we are still together and that is that
Cor I've really found a goodun there, he really respects my wishes...

OP posts:

AmberLeaf · 13/09/2011 23:05

Speak to your friends/family about this situation.

Dont feel ashamed, you need people on your side right now.

SingOut · 13/09/2011 23:26

Just to say that I've been following this thread and I'm really worried for you. I hope you speak to the police about this man. :(

Proudnscary · 14/09/2011 00:30

You are not pathetic AT ALL. You did the right thing and a brave thing. I agree you should contact the police. And tell your friends and family.

cecilyparsley · 14/09/2011 01:06

Scaredof, it sounds as if you were hoping he'd listen to reason, and generally we do expect people to...but he sounds somewhat unstable
I'm not sure what's the best way of dealing with him, except stick to your guns and try not to react too much to him, sounds as if he likes alot of drama and attention, he may loose interest if you dont provide him with any.

GloriaVanderbilt · 14/09/2011 07:43

HAVE you told the police, you need to log all this with them - they won't do anything unless you ask them to but they will log everything however minor in case you need evidence one day. They keep the records for years...I know this.

Also they need to flag your number so if he turns up in the middle of the night being a bastard they can get to you fast.

If he says he is coming round dial 999 immediately. please.

he's dangerous and unstable - he literally can't stand it when someone ends it with him. Think how you feel when smeone dumps you and imagine you don't have the tools to deal with that pain - you'd act like he does, externalising it.

He sounds very very damaged and the police need to know about what he is doing as it will help protect future women too

you're being daft if you don't seek help. Sorry - that's the only way you're being daft. You don't have to tell your friends or family if you just tell the police.

bringbacksideburns · 14/09/2011 09:38

I wouldn't call the police yet! Just continue to block all contact. Thank god you didn't sleep with him.

Obviously if he turns up in the middle of the night drunk and shouting then call the police - and as he's on probation he should be dealt with pretty swiftly.

Hope things settle down.

GloriaVanderbilt · 14/09/2011 10:00

Why shouldn't she call them yet?! She's been threatened. He is violent and unstable and very angry with her. He is already on probation.

What HARM will it do to log this with the police? OTOH if she doesn't and he turns up and hits her it might be a bit late to call the police...damage is done

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 14/09/2011 10:59

Yep; agree with Gloria and others. Speaking to the police does no harm, and it will allow them to be aware of the situation and react quickly and appropriately if the ex does anything threatening -- such as show up at her home and refuse to leave, for example.

Original poster

scaredofhistemper · 14/09/2011 22:13

Hi I spoke to police, said I was worrying it could escalate. They cannot flag up my phone number because they have to have evidence to justify it! The local police are fully aware, and I'm not making a complaint, I'm just worried I may have to call them quickly and go on to make a complaint.

From him, just one text this morning, and nothing else. Apparently I have messed him around too much, I'm a selfish f*cked up bitch, and he won;t be wasting any more time on me. I was pleased to hear it! Long may it continue :)

Thanks for not judging me too harshly, I have felt like such a fool this week. I'm taking a long hard look at how I got myself in so deep so quickly. I'm grateful to be single, it feels a lot less hassle!

OP posts:

GloriaVanderbilt · 15/09/2011 07:37

Well done for speaking to them...do they have a DV unit? Ours do and were happy to help.

At least they are aware and will have logged it for future reference.

Sounds like he is getting the message and is trying to save face. Good! If it gets rid of him.

please don't worry about seeming like a fool. For those of us who have got ourselves into similar situations it's something we've been through and remember well. No idea why it happens though. I'm guessing some men are very manipulative and some of us are vulnerable to certain sorts of manipulativeness.

You did really well to detach when you did. Good luck for the future, I hope it never happens again

pictish · 15/09/2011 07:42

Phew OP! He's turned it around so he can say he dumped YOU, I think....but who bloody cares??

Very well done you for recognising a bad bet, and ducking out. I think you just saved yourself a whole heap of heartache and trouble. Thank fuck. xxxx

Original poster

scaredofhistemper · 15/09/2011 20:35

Thank you, haven't heard a peep from him :)
I'm hoping that one day soon I will stop jumping when my phone goes, and stop jumping at the door. I'm so happy being on my own, with DC, and I don't want anyone bringing hassle into my life. I'm dreading the weekend, but a friend is coming up to stay, and she is just the right amount of lairy :)

OP posts:

GloriaVanderbilt · 16/09/2011 09:58

just the right amount of lairy! I like that. Good on you.

Hope you manage to avoid him totally for ever.

joblot · 16/09/2011 16:25

I do hope he disappears. Well done you for taking note of the warning signs, concentrate on the fact you did this and be proud of yourself for it.
It's something not all of us are that good at

Loonytoonie · 21/09/2011 16:41

OP, please don't feel foolish. You're not the first to be duped like this, and you won't be the last. You were seeing this man, not sleeping with him, not making promises to him, not moving him in etc, so you didn't really get in that deep. So I think you can stop being so harsh on yourself.

In the meantime, can you speak to any friendly neighbours that can keep an eye out for you? Any nosy neighbours that will be happy to curtain twitch for you and look out for him/his car? Any one will large husbands that will be willing to come over?

Also consider (if you can) getting a spyhole put into your front door and make sure you have a door chain. Take all necessary precautions.

HOpe you're ok.

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