His temper is terrible, I'm ending it and I'm scared

[scaredofhistemper]

I've been seeing a new man. We have not yet slept together, but get on like a house on fire.

He is good looking, I am very attracted to him. WE must have spent nso many hours on the phone since we met (July)

He treats me so well, but is vile to other people. I thought he was boisterous, but some friends have pointed out how scared people actually are of him.
This week was a revelation. He called me from probation; I did not know he was on probation. He was swearing at the receptionist while on the phone to me. It turns out he is on probation for fighting and really resents it.

Virtually every day he will tell me about someone he is very angry with (probation, boss, mum, mum's partner, random in the pub....).

There is no question he has to go. But I'm terrified :( I am dreading being the object of his anger. I made the decision after the probation phone call but did not know howI was going to go about it. Last night I decided that I would contact him today and say how I feel. I've been shaking, spent all morning on and off the loo with terror. I've gone completely off radar to a friends house. I know I should just contact him and end it NOW but I'm putting off the fallout, which could be horrible.

I'm a regular and have name changed, partly because I do not want to be outed, and partly because I'm so ashamed to be in this ridiculous situation.
Please kick me (gently) into touch

yes, feigning an std could be a good way out... gives him an opportunity to protect his ego and spin things so that he'd feel better off without you?
Certainly seems important to think it through and come up with a good exit route

I agree that a big fat whopper of a lie is in order here, but completely disagree with faking an STD. I think that could provoke anger in him and you want to avoid this. If you are going to throw him off track, make it with something that you have absolutely no cause for potential blame for i.e. bereavement, close relative being ill, depression etc.

Good luck OP. His temper sounds grim

She hasn't slept with him, SickwithFury, so he can't be angry with her at the thought she's passed something on, but yes, he could get angry at the thought of someone else sleeping with her. And, of course, he could 'get' the person who he thought was responsible.

Goodness... How long do young people take to get off their pc's and go to bed??

ROFL @ boss that is exactly what I said to my friend tonight: herpes, no forget it, HIV tests! But like I said, very small town!

I've got no phone signal here, which I'm really enjoying, but I've had several texts come through saying I have missed calls about 3 hours ago. All from different numbers as he texted me from someone elses phone this morning saying he had no credit; there might actually be a god.

Regarding the no sex issue; I said to the friend who knows him and she said that he would be the type to wait a long time. I've not been under any pressure in that way at all, which has been so liberating, it is unusual. Physically we have been very affectionate, but I've been under no pressure.

It's all so emotionally exhausting. He has been great, apart from this underlying lairiness, which has completely surfaced this week since the call from probation. Since then he has openly expressed a desire to deck a few people. Not nice.

I've gone through a range of stuff tonight. I'm hurting because I'm causing pain. I'm hurting because I will miss the lovely side of him, and I will feel much lonelier than I did before we met. I'm relieved that I'm not going through this months or years down the line, and see that I'm saving myself from so much unnecessary bullshit. Beating myself up for putting myself here though, I mean what is wrong with me? Why all the nutters? Can I really not attract or be attracted to men who are not deeply screwed up?

Mouseface please don't worry! A great friend said to me this morning that I have to do the decent thing and end it face to face, she also went back on that and has begged me not to!

I'm really grateful for all your messages, I may feel like such a prick right now, but I felt so much worse before I started this thread

I think you're going to have to say something to him soon rather than keeping on avoiding his calls which will only stoke up the fires.

Get him on the phone and talk about the side of him which is scaring you - the angry man side. Tell him how you feel. Don't however be cajoled, guilt-tripped or forced into continuing a relationship here other than a friend at a distance (a very long distance). At the very best it may make him take a long hard look at himself and that'll be a wake-up call or at the worst he'll turn into angryman and come knocking on your door - and you're already expecting the latter so if that happens meet it head on with the support of friends and, if necessary, the police.

I know you are right. I wish I had had the conversation earlier, I really do.
I can't call him now, no signal and it wouldn't fair on those around me even if there was signal. I feel very aware that he may have gone to the pub quite early on, and the thought of riling a potentially drunk angry man is even more awful. From his attitude this week I can honestly say he would lash out (and get remanded due to his previous behaviour....) his responsibility but I would pity anyone in his vicinity if I was to do that knowing what I now know.

It#s all really shit

Best leave it until the morning to call!

Yes it's shitty, but that's not your fault. You look for the good in people which is wonderful.

It can come as an awful shock to realise that some people are not what they seem. There may not be the fireworks that you expect so don't worry yourself too much.

I think it's time you got a little angry yourself to make you stronger. No man should put fear in you. Feel mad about that.

I suggest you call him and say that you've had psychological problems related others who displayed anger in your younger years and, in view of the anger that you've seen/heard him display over the past week, you regret that you can no longer continue to see him.

Say that this recent development has caused you to contact your mental health team/psychiatrist (this lets him know that you are plugged into professionals who may step in if he gets out of line) as you realised that you haven't yet overcome your fears, and you'll be resuming treatment.

Say that you don't blame him at at all as the fact that you still can't cope with anger would most probably have emerged sooner or later, possibly under quite different circumstances.

If he protests, promises to watch his words, rein in his temper etc, say that you realise you may sound irrational but that is the nature of your illness and, as advised by your shrink or whoever, you have no choice but to end your relationship with him and hope that, eventually, you will be able to deal with life/others in all its/their complexity.

Say you hope he'll respect your confidence as very few people know of your problem and you worry about the stigma of mental illness being attached to your name. Also say that you've very much enjoyed the time you spent together and the laughs you've had, and that you wish him well for the future.

If you bump into him when you're alone as you wend your way around your small town, put a blank look on your face, speak slowly, and try to look slightly unfocused as if you're spaced out on some drug or other.

As he's already on probation for a criminal offence involving his anger/violence, it could be that he may not stay at liberty unless he gets his act together and, IME and from what you've said, that sounds a tad unlikely.

I mean what is wrong with me? Why all the nutters? Can I really not attract or be attracted to men who are not deeply screwed up? There's nothing wrong with you, it's just that sometimes you have to kiss a fuck of a lot of frogs to find a true prince.

Cast your net wider. Maybe go fishing in a neighbouring town?

Definitely make it your problem rather than his.

Good luck.

Thank you everyone.

I spoke to him today for ages. I was really honest and said that I cannot live with his behaviours etc I didn't mention my friend whose house he was barging into! He is totally gutted, so am I. Lots of tears, both of us :(

He has promised to change yada yada.... I have said that when he has had no violence, aggression or drugs in his life for a year I will speak to him again, but that I will not sit waiting and he should not expect me to.

What a horrible weekend :( but I will not have to have such a horrible weekend again. I didn't ever feel lonely before I met him, I was quite happy with mine and my child's quiet little life, but I feel quite lonely now and pathetic

Well done Scaredof, glad to hear you were able to talk to him (you're not at all pathetic!)

Quite understandable that you'd feel a bit below par after all the anxiety etc with this bloke.
You will perk up soon enough, maybe find something to distract you and take your mind off it:)

You feel what you feel but I'd like to just reflect back to you that on receiving information that set your red flags flying, you spent some time thinking it through, trusted your gut and ended a relationship that you knew would only get worse, in a safe and honest way.

I find that admirable - not pathetic.

What JosephineB said.

Oh well done. Really, really well done.

I'm so impressed.

I felt like that after finishing with the dodgy bloke as well. Kind of flat and sad and empty.

It didn't last very long at all. Get phoning your friends and family and it will start to seem less awful.

It almost feels like you've 'won' doesn't it - after all the build up, you've got what you wanted and it's just very sad and you're allowed now to feel a bit of loss and regret at what could (but actually couldn't, ever) have been.

You've invested a lot of yuorself and your time and humour and love into this friendship, so it will leave a little gap, but you will fill it soon xxx please stick to your decision, for me if not for you! I can't sleep if you don't promise me that

Well done. Am also impressed.

well done all the best
sad for you that he had such a problem when all seemed well x

I was quite happy with mine and my child's quiet little life, but I feel quite lonely now and pathetic

If it's a choice between feeling lonely and pathetic and feeling frightened of what a potentially violent paramour may do, there's no contest is there? And especially not when there is a dc involved.

I have a niggling concern that he'll find reason to call on you unexpectedly, most probably promising the world; please use my suggestion as a plan b if this happens as this man is not stable enough to be around you and your dc.

You were right, he talked me around on sunday night :( :(

I have ended it today, he knows I mean it, he is angry, and begging but none of it will work. The way I felt after being talked around on sunday night was awful, as if I didnt deserve a happy life if i couldnt even stand up for what i want. can't really explain it....

So today, apparently i've 'fcuked him around', no, if he had listened to and respected my wishes on sunday we wouldn;t be having this (text - gutless emoticon) conversation today. Apparently if i 'want to play silly cunts' then thats what i'll get :(

My phone's on silent, don;t want my DC worrying. I'm really on edge. I'm sucha bloody idiot, a fool

Did he text or was it in conversation that the "silly cunts" phrase came up? Either way, that is a clear threat that you should report. What an utter arsepiece.

it was in text, so i will use it if i have to. i'm now getting begging, tearful texts but i won't back down this time. i was only with him for a metter of weeks, imagine how much harder months or years down the line

Do not back down. You know you are doing the right thing.

Have you got RL support? This man is capable of being dangerous and he has made threats.

Have you reported the threat? Are you OK?

You are neither a bloody idiot nor a fool.

He is entirely responsible for being the violent manipulator that he is.

As teacup says, do get RL support in place.

Not going to back down, I really did not like myself for backing down before.

I haven't reported what he said earlier as his tone has changed, but if I receive anything nasty it will be reported. He has to be careful as he is on probation. I can;t believe I'm faced with the possibility of reporting a scary ex to the police, I fel like I have gone back very far in time :( My life had got better, it really had :(

You're not a fool at all; you're human. Abusers are incredibly manipulative people - how else could they begin to get away with it? But bullying someone with guilt and emotional blackmail and charm until they do what you want, not what they want, is classic - your ability to pull back in the cold light of day is going to make him angry, because it's an illustration that you are not in his control.

Please talk to Women's Aid and speak to the police. I'd be truly astonished if he doesn't have form on this, and you are entitled to protection. With luck he will move on to another victim (I know that's terrible, but it will be someone, he's that type, it would seem, so as long as it isn't you.)

I wish men like this could have ABUSIVE ARSEHOLE tattooed on their foreheads as part of the sentence. It would make life so much easier on the female population.