Breastfeeding and repulsed by sex..(?)

[treehuggermum]

My dp is drop dead gorgeous, a lot younger than me and i cant think of any other man else i fancy, and love more. However since having our dd 15 months ago and b'feeding throughout, it's made me repulsed thinking of sex, especially if i'm actually feeding, which sounds wierd but i sometimes randomly get sexual flashbacks which i put out straight away, but this makes me shudder and really go off my dp. He has a very high sexy drive and we do it maybe fortnightly, i usually have to force myself to as i dont want to lose him! Sometimes i'll even start arguing with him just before bedtime so we will sleep in seperate rooms then i can relax and know he's not going to try it on. This is terrible i know :( He is a great guy and a super dad and i just want things to be normal again between us. I dont want to stop breastfeeding yet either. Can anyone relate to this? Sorry for long post. I feel bit relieved to phase this finally..

That's what he said. It was almost every day before yes. We're not married btw. I agree it is just as important as b'f'ing. The repulsed feelings are getting worse i think as i am getting more conscious of it all and feeling guilty.

I suspect that your feelings of repulsion may now be tied up with the fact that when you try to have an open and sensitive discussion with your partner he uses the opportunity to apparently ignore your feelings and tell you that he needs sex once a day! Sorry but he sounds like he is being a bit of a twat about this and whilst giving up breastfeeding may be the way you want to go, you should not be pressured into daily sex for fear of losing your partner.

treehugger Have just been reading your posts. I'm an old girl now who bf all of my children and donated surplus breast milk for premature babies unit. Bf 1st baby until she went off it herself at the age of 10 months; didn't realise that I was pregnant again! Bf 2nd baby until same thing happened - he turned away from me without my knowing that I was pg again. Very sad experience with 3rd baby, who died. 4th baby was also bf and did not know how to stop without becoming pg again (husband had a vasectomy). Went on bfing until she was nearly 2 years old.

At no point did I go off sex (obviously) and, in fact, welcomed the attention from my husband! I could separate his attention to my breasts from that of the needs of my children! He, occasionally, got more than he bargained for if breasts were full and, sometimes, there were leaky experiences but it never stopped our joy of a happy, loving relationship! Always welcomed his love after a day of looking after the little ones!

Bfing is not a form of contraception, whatever people may say; it's an Old Wives' Tale!

Sorry for mistakenly referring to your dp as dh.

Would your dp consider couple counselling? Your gp may be able to refer you to a specialist counsellor.

OP, what happens if you wean and still don't want sex every day? What happens if life changes mean that your libido changes?

I would suggest, before you wean, that you have to talk about this. I too found that my libido went down when I breastfed, but I don't think you can assume that weaning is a magic fix. And a partner who says 'it's not enough' if it's not daily, is a bit of a worry. You two need to talk about future expectations.

I agree with Tortoiseonthehalfshell. You need to think and discuss with your partner the expectations of the relationship.

Don't stop Bf'ing until both child and mother are ready, but definitely discuss how you are feeling with regards to your partners sexual expectations,.

You say that your partner is drop-dead gorgeous and would like sex every day.

I'm an OAP, living on my own now.

Am extremely envious! Hope everything works out for you all! Good luck and best wishes!

I don't think you should stop breastfeeding either - you may feel no different and then no one is getting what they want. And it's wrong of your partner to try and emotionally blackmail you into doing it - you should both be putting your child's best interests first

Sex every day is unrealistic when you have a small child IMO, I don't know anyone who can manage it that often. And it's very sad that you think that you need to satisfy his sexual desires when you're not feeling you want to or he'll leave you

Do you really want to be with a man that you think so little of?

I agree with Tortoiseonthehalfshell too. BF doesn't cause hormones to be released that reduce your libido. It probably has more to do with meeting the needs of a baby and the anticipation that your DP is also going to make demands on your time and body.
If you wean your DD she may initially become more clingy which won't help matters and make your life harder and if you still don't want sex that often you may find yourself feeling resentful at your partner that he forced an end to BF.
The other thing I wonder about is how much effort your DP puts in? Not just on a practical level - making your life easier so you feel less stressed and 'touched out' - but into 'wooing' you. Does he do anything to help put you in the mood or does he just get into bed and expect sex?
He sounds really quite seflish and seems to be putiing his wants above your DD's needs and your feelings. Your DD won't be a baby for very long, it's not a phase that's lasts forever (believe me :)).

this bbok is IMO very good. It m ight help to get him to read certain bits of it.

He wants sex every day?

What happens if you don't want sex every day? He pesters? He goes ahead and has it anyway?

Agree with WoTmania, he sounds incredibly selfish.

Sorry - he may be gorgeous, but he's a gorgeous and selfish twat. How can any father put his own sexual needs before the health and well being of his child? Hasn't he heard of wanking?

P.S you on the other hand sound like a lovely, caring, selfless person who always puts her DD first and tries to look after everyone.

(make sure you meet your own needs too won't you :))

Hang on a second he has been going without much sex for 15 months now thats quite a long time. Its not ideal as obviously you the best would be to have both but i think you have to think about what means more to your baby, bf another couple of months or having a healthy relationship with her father and a healthy relationship includes sex for most of us. Fortnightly is very little IMO for someone with any sort of a sex drive.

It would be completely different if she was 15 weeks old. You said yourself he is perfect and you still fancy him its just the BF. Personally i would feel rejected if i was in your partners situation (am female not a hairy trucker). what when you get to 2 and she still isn't ready for weaning? Which is possible, i wouldn't be pressured into anything i didn't want to do but i would try and look at rationally and compromise. Having said that maybe stopping BF won't help with your sex drive so is a gamble.

There is absolutely no guarantee that stopping Breastfeeding will magically bring your libido back.

I stuggled with this as well, DH has a much higher drive than me but when I was breastfeeding I was too knackered to even think about sex, and when I did I couldn't escape the thoughts that DH should not be pawing at my children's food source. (Sounds barmy but that's how it was.) He was very understanding and supportive and in no way made me feel like if I didn't service his needs he'd bugger off with someone else. When you say he's a lot younger...he doesn't sound very mature?

(Oh, and stopping BF didn't bring my libido back. I'd still rather have an early night with a good book and a mug of cocoa. It's something I should probably look into.)

Stopping breastfeeding just because your partner wants to have sex everyday doesnt seem like a good enough reason to stop to me.

You're obviously not ready to stop bf so why should you just because he needs to have sex everyday (what bollocks by the way) he wants to have sex everyday and is almost demanding it from you. And you sound upset as if you have to comply with his "request".

Of course having no sex at all for 15 months would be a problem, but why not when you feel up to it, every once in a while. You cant make someone have sex with you if you dont want to (well you can but lets not go there)

The more I think about that the more I feel angry for you OP, the sense of entitlement, I mean what happens if you dont? Is he going to go else where if you dont meet his quota? And then blame you?

How about this to begin with, when i was bf i felt like everyone wanted a piece of me, hard to feel sexy. What if, he looked after the baby whilst you went out for a pamper, hair nails whatever makes you feel like you again. You get a babysitter and a new dress that makes you feel sexy, you agree that you are not going to have sex but that he IS going to take you out for dinner and a drink. When you get home see how you feel, if you feel sexy perhaps under your own steam no pressure you may feel up to it? If that was the case perhaps it maybe it is not so much the breast feeding as the lack of feeling sexy and your old self?

He has to realise that for the first 2 years or so with a new baby sex is not what it used to be.

Ho old is your dp? that's often the case (price to pay haha) with much younger men, high sex drive, but he did manage for the last 15 months, hasn't he?
He means IDEALLY he wants sex every day, but knows it's not realistic even without BF issue - otherwise he'd have left by now. But it is bad news if you never feel like it, I think he's been patient and is waiting for bf to end. It's not reasonable, and quite immature actually to pick up fights and sleep separately. With his high sex drive it means he loves you to be patient. Most people agree that 15mnth BF is more than most last, so maybe time to go off it, at least to give it a month or so, with his knowledge?
I assume you don't have any reason to think that he was getting sex somewhere else? if that's hte case, the relationship is worse nurturing.

OP think about why he still has a high sex drive and you don't. Agree with Tortoise about why you don't, but is he actually pulling his weight at home? Is he knackered? Is helping you out sufficiently so you are getting enough sleep?

He doesn't need sex but your DD needs you. That is the bottom line. If you think he is prepared to go elsewhere or leave you if you don't give him the sex he wants then what does that say about him? And do you really want to be with someone like that?

I wonder if it's the BFing or the just plain being knackered?
I noticed that things have picked up a bit since DS slept a bit more, and ate more solids.... is your LO waking a lot in the night?
Is your DP doing his fair share around the house, or are you everyone's mother, who has to take care of and clean up after him AND the kid?
I know this sounds simplistic but I don't feel sexy when I'm being treated like a skivvy. DS doesn't know any better (YET!) but DH does.
Tell your DP that every day is not possible now you are both PARENTS of a YOUNG CHILD and BUSY. But that if he treated you like a goddess for a month, doing everything he could to make your life easier, and you STILL didn't feel any rise in your own libido, you might consider night-weaning. And if a few weeks of sleep didn't improve things, you might consider talking to a counsellor with him (or whatever.)
THe point is, he can't see you as a sex-vending-machine. He just can't. Sex is a complicated thing tied up in physical responses AND emotional ones, and so it's handy to take a gradual, broad spectrum approach.

When I didn't fancy sex I made a point of telling DH that I still fancied him, and indeed "I want to want to but I don't yet.*

Another option is to take sex entirely off the table for the next month and just concentrate on snogging. Snogging on the sofa like teenagers. If you are 'forbidden' from having sex but you can kiss, sometimes the kissing becomes surprisingly passionate.

Sounds to me like the thing that's killing your libido more than anything is having sex when you don't want to. You deserve to find your OWN desire for your OWN sake, because sex is nice. But you aren't required by law to provide your partner with orgasms, you know. Duty fucking will kill real passion pretty quickly.

'He doesn't need sex but your DD needs you' HandDivedScallopsrgreat - absolutely.

I've been trying to avoid brining in my personal experiences but FWIW - I've been BF for nearly 6 years now and managed to concieve twice in that time. Sex happens for us because DH will do stuff around the house and appreciates how knackering having small children can be. Most of my friends BF well beyond a year and still have healthy sex lives so BF isn't necessarily the problem.
I reckon the problem is having a selfish partner pressuring for sex when you are feeling tired and drained.

sex everyday why? and why does it have to be scheduled? I can't think of anything less sexy really

I totally can relate to your feelings by the way, I do thing there is strong link between libido and BF because mine has most defiantly come back since stopping feeding. I did feel sad about not having enough sex and so did my partner but we both just thought logically really.

BF my little girl was far more important, she is was a baby who needed to be fed and we could manage fine on very little sex, because we are adults.

We made sure we spent loads of time together as a couple and kept talking but sex took a back seat for a bit, there was no pestering or emotional blackmail shit. I would tell anyone to fuck off who said they NEED sex,
or what????

think