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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH had his GP appointment.....

50 replies

SackAche · 12/12/2005 12:54

...and I've got mixed emotions about it.

I'm really glad he went and so is he.

He couldn't tell be everything over the phone as I'm at work at the moment, but he gave me an overview of what they spoke about. He even told the GP that he was getting more and more violent (throwing things at me) and that he was scaring everyone including himself.

He also told her that he realised his behaviour was completely unreasonable, but didn't see a way out of the pattern.

The GP basically gave him leaflets!!! With a number to call to organise Counselling on his own for anger management. YEAH WONDERFUL! We knew all that already though. Then she recommended RELATE! Now why didn't we think of that!!?? DOH!

BUT he had a good chat with the GP and she told him that he didn't sound depressed, but more stressed out/anxious and unable to deal with any issues with me without losing all rationale!

She told him that he needed someone 'uninvolved to speak to about his stress etc. She also must've said something to him about showing his love for me coz he must've said "I love you" about 5 times in the one phone call!

Anyway.... I really pleased he's been and he sounded realyl pleased to.... but its still going to be left to him to phone for the anger managment.

OP posts:
batters · 12/12/2005 12:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hadalifeonce · 12/12/2005 12:58

Hi SackAche, I don't know you.....but, I.m sure the biggest step to take to overcome a problem is to admit to yourself that there is one. It sounds like you dh has done that, which is very brave of him. (Men are generally useless ad admotting anything!) I hope your lives become much better for this.

Glitterygook · 12/12/2005 12:59

SackAche - well done your dh for going and making a step towards helping himself (and you). I think the reason he probably has to make the anger management appt himself is that he has to be motivated enough to do it iyswim. The GP could make it and he might not turn up - if he does it himself, it's showing commitment to it (not sure if that makes sense!).

Half the battle in this kind of situation is realising you have a problem, wanting to do something about it and then making steps to do so - he's done all of those so it all sounds positive. Hope it all works out for you.

Original poster
SackAche · 12/12/2005 12:59

Thanks Batters. I didn't want my post to come across as negative as it did! I'm really grateful he went and spoke to the GP. And I really do believe its going to help 1000%!

I suppose I just wanted the GP to tell him it was all his fault and he was a bastard.

OP posts:
Next · 12/12/2005 13:05

HI sackache

You posted on my thread last week - I am kind of going through what you are but my P left last Monday while we try to sort our problems out.

Well done to your husband for going to the GP - men are bad enough for that when they are ill, let alone a touchy subject like this.

Are you planning to go to Relate after hes got some of the sessions under his belt? If so it might be worth booking them now as I have heard that in some areas there is quite a wait.

Don't let him put off booking the anger management - make him do it TODAY and be firm that he sticks to it.

xxx

Original poster
SackAche · 12/12/2005 13:15

Thanks Next - I remember your thread well. How's things?

We have tried the Scottish Marriage Counselling service (no RELATE in Scotland) and waited months for anything.... then got 2 appointments that were completely unsuitable due to childcare issues..... so that s why I was a bit peeved off with GP suggesting Relate.

We will try again though, but time will be a problem. We can take to the odd day off work here and there, but not a regular weekly slot which is what we need. Its just been a nightmare.... we are trying, but I feel like it isn't really aimed towards those that probably need it most ie. Busy working parents!

OP posts:
seb1 · 12/12/2005 13:21

Do neither of you have prviate health care at work counselling is sometime available through that?

Next · 12/12/2005 13:23

Yes thats ridiculous. sUrely the majority of people going to these things have children. You might even find that with one every couple of weeks helps you though. You can but try (as my nan would say)

Things are pretty crappy with me. He has been to one session but I think its going to take a lot more. In need him to be able to tell me WHY he behaves the way he does in order for me to beleive he has a chance of controlling his anger iyswim. I feel can't get back together until we at least know that because his promises alone aren't washing anymore.

Its the cost of these things aswell

Its going to be a real shit Xmas, but nothing I can do.

Next · 12/12/2005 13:23

OOps, apologise for the language there

Original poster
SackAche · 12/12/2005 13:41

Next OMG! Your post: "I need him to be able to tell me WHY he behaves the way he does in order for me to beleive he has a chance of controlling his anger iyswim. I feel can't get back together until we at least know that because his promises alone aren't washing anymore."
...that could be me saying that! Your DH isn't a Scouser is he???

It might be a bit crap this year.... but lets hope the next 40 are wonderful as a result of this! You keep my chin up and I'll do the same for you!

Seb1 - I wish! I'm a Contractor, so will already lose a days pay to go to the Counselling. DH works for Tesco.... they would cover an eye test, but not this.

OP posts:
seb1 · 12/12/2005 14:18

Sackache, what about here

couplecounselling

Here some info. from site

Couple Counselling Central, 9 Callendar Road, Falkirk, FK1 1XS

To make an appointment (01324 670067)
Counselling at: Stirling
Mondays
1.00pm - 4.00pm

Falkirk Tuesdays
7.00pm - 10.00pm
Thursdays
7.00pm - 10.00pm

Alloa
Tuesdays
7.00pm - 10.00pm

Couple Counselling Central, Stirling

Tuesdays
6.00pm - 10.00pm or
Wednesdays
6.00pm - 10.00pm

seb1 · 12/12/2005 14:19

oh think they might be who you were talking about

doormat · 12/12/2005 14:20

sackache
hope things work out for you just as you want them too
xxx
congratulations on your dp addressing his prob, that is such a huge step forwards

seb1 · 12/12/2005 14:23

or here

scottishmarriagecare

Original poster
SackAche · 12/12/2005 14:34

Seb1 - It was Couple Counselling that we were on the waiting list for. I didn't know those were 2 seperate places!! Will phone them thanks.
Thanks Doormat.

OP posts:
Original poster
SackAche · 12/12/2005 23:14

DH just came in from work.... cant post alot right now coz he's downstairs and I only went upstairs to the toilet...

But he was telling me what he told the GP and he said he didn't think he was being that violent as he hadn't actually hit his wife!

He didn't tell her about the throwing things at me...... or the horrible name calling..... or the fact he has pushed me grabbed me! He said he just explained that he lost his rag and was irrationally angry for little reason! Her advice was, well you don't sound like you need anger management!!! WELLL NO WONDER GOING BY WHAT HE TOLD HER!

I feel like setting them straight!

Going back downstairs now...in the realisation that DH honestly doesn't understand how scary he can be!

OP posts:
Tortington · 12/12/2005 23:44

yes he does he knows. thats why he does it. if he thought or knew it had no effect there would be no reason to do it.

i would arrange another appointment - different doctor and both go.

Next · 13/12/2005 13:45

Hi SackAche!!

How are you today? It dosn't surprise me that your DH hasn't told the GP the full story. I think he probably isn't aware or in denial even about how bad he treats you.

My advice is to go on to the womens aid website and make him read what is domestic abuse. Pushing/shoving: yes. Smashing things: Yes. Name calling: Yes. Controlling: Yes. And he could probably tick off a couple of others to - just like my partner. When he saaw this 'on paper' it shocked him into booking up the AM sessions.

My reaction however is why beleive a web site but brush me off for months when I say his behaviour is appalling?

And the big question is, for me, can I forgive him 100% for this behaviour.

Just bypass the GP and make him book the sessions. Today.

xxxxxx

Next · 13/12/2005 13:46

Just re reading your post and am shocked at how alike our partners are

Next · 14/12/2005 12:44

Hi Sackache!

Has he booked it yet??

Hope you are OK

xx

Original poster
SackAche · 14/12/2005 12:56

Not ok. Terrible morning. No he hasnt' phoned, or if he has he hasn't told me. Wondering why I'm bothering, but know that its too close to Christmas to make any big decisions.

OP posts:
GingerBearingGifts · 14/12/2005 13:04

I bet he was too ashamed to reveal everything to GP. I would babysit for you whilst you went to councelling if I could.
I didn't realise things were so bad Sackache. God, I wish I could help you. .

seb1 · 14/12/2005 13:06

did you get anywhere with those numbers?

Original poster
SackAche · 14/12/2005 13:21

Haven't tried seb. Not feeling like I want to save anything at the moment.

OP posts:
Next · 14/12/2005 13:29

Oh Sackache

I know how hard it is and I know exactly how depressing and helpless you are feeling. Christmas makes it a whole lot worse too. It really isn't down to you to save anything. Its his problem iyswim.

I'm around on and off tis afternoon if you want to talk about things......

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