DH had his GP appointment.....

[SackAche]

...and I've got mixed emotions about it.

I'm really glad he went and so is he.

He couldn't tell be everything over the phone as I'm at work at the moment, but he gave me an overview of what they spoke about. He even told the GP that he was getting more and more violent (throwing things at me) and that he was scaring everyone including himself.

He also told her that he realised his behaviour was completely unreasonable, but didn't see a way out of the pattern.

The GP basically gave him leaflets!!! With a number to call to organise Counselling on his own for anger management. YEAH WONDERFUL! We knew all that already though. Then she recommended RELATE! Now why didn't we think of that!!?? DOH!

BUT he had a good chat with the GP and she told him that he didn't sound depressed, but more stressed out/anxious and unable to deal with any issues with me without losing all rationale!

She told him that he needed someone 'uninvolved to speak to about his stress etc. She also must've said something to him about showing his love for me coz he must've said "I love you" about 5 times in the one phone call!

Anyway.... I really pleased he's been and he sounded realyl pleased to.... but its still going to be left to him to phone for the anger managment.

When I got out the car this morning we were having a bit of a disagreement. Nothing serious. He flipped. As I kissed the kids good bye he was hissing "get out the fucking car". Then when I slammed the car door shut he put the window down and screamed "PSYCHO" at the top of his voice, in front of everyone at the station. The station master was so shocked he asked if I knew the bloke. I said "yes, he's my husband" and walked away crying to get my train. Haven't heard from him since.

What a bastard.

Have you two ever discussed seperating? with my partner he always thought it was an empty threat. But you are right it is too close to Xmas to make a decision like that. (As I well know!!

But he has no right to act like that in front of your kids and to show you up in public.

Will he phone you to say sorry or it brew all day and explode later on?

SachAche

Don't know what to say, except that you are a saint for putting up with that kind of s*e!

He really really needs to sort it.

Could you not have a list of 'rules'. I don't know what kind really, you know about how he speaks to you and so on... and if he doesn't make an effort you have a serious talk?

Or give him 6 months...?

You must be fuming.

He takes everything on board, listens to my pov, admits that he's been a bastard blah blah blah.... but NOTHING makes him stop and think when he's going to blow his top. There just isn't that ability in him to think before he acts. He just blows up.... so no amount of talking is going to make a difference if he can't put it into practice when it matters.

He won't phone. I've left a message at his work saying I'm picking the kids up from Nursery. And I've texted him to say not to come home tonight. But he will..... and I can't even lock him out!!! I've tried that before. I've no idea whether he's sorry....... sometimes he comes in grovelling, other times he just simply can't see that he's done anything wrong.

I'm so lost I don't know what to do. He's been so wonderful since his doctors appointment..... really loving, really trying hard. Putting up with my moods (and I can be terrible... you've all seen on MN!).... not snapping at me when I'm crabby. But thats the problem.... he just stores it all up, then WHAM!

Sackache, just caught up with this and I'm so sorry to see what you are going through at the moment.
Please don't try to blame your moods etc for his behaviour. All of us have bad days, get tired and bad tempered but that doesn't you should be bullied & punished for it.
Since my split from emotionally manipulative, bullying, controlling ex-husband I have been having counselling and I can see that through my own lack of self-esteem I allowed him to be so horrible to me. These men have very distinct problems that are not going to disappear with the odd visit to a GP. Quite often the men don't even want to change, because life is just peachy for them as it is. They get their own way all the time because if they don't - there is hell to pay.
Not sure if my ramblings are of any use. Sadly, only you can make decisions about how to resolve your situation.

Sackache I am really sorry but I haven't had time to read all of the thread but just wanted to say that it might be a good idea to see the GP again (perhaps a different one?) if he hasn't always been like this. Extreme reactions, anxiety and irrational behaviour are all symptoms of a specific type of depression (speaking from experience - to me he sounds very familiar!)

In our case anti-depressants and cognitive therapy sorted the problem but it took a trip to the GP with me in tow re-enforcing how bad the situation had become to finally get a referral to a psychiatrist. Things are so much better now. I really hope you find a way through this, it sounds like you're having a really tough time.

Bugsy - I have the opposite problem.... H has no control! I control everything, finances, where we go on holiday.... the house we live in, everything!

I'm honestly not blaming myself for the way he behaves, really I'm not. I'm just saying that I have been unbearable tetchy for the last few days and he's been trying so har dto bite his tongue.

I'm trying not to be the little victim. I know he's an arse.... I know he's an arse because he can't handle any responsibility, or criticism (I have lots to dish out), or financial burden. He just wants to carry on in his 12 yr old mind.

I caught him out lying about money this morning. Nothing major, he took £150 out the bank instead of £140... then lied to me about it. I MEAN WHY???? Its his wages too.... but he lied anyway. If he wants money out he has to ask me for the bankcard.

I'm not faultless, I've been a total bitch in the past. But he is more than making up for it now. I can't make him go to the GP with me, but I'm going to go see the same one he visited who told him he certainly wasn't depressed..... just a bit stressed out at the moment. HA NOT HALF AS STRESSED OUT AS HIS FECKIN FAMILY ARE! and

Funnily enough Sackache, I controlled the entire house: mortgage, bills, investments, tax returns - absolutely everything that kept our house up and running and our finances on the straight & narrow. I used to book all the holidays, restaurants, etc etc
However, he wanted complete control of me and would bully & harrass me into doing all the stuff that he didn't want to do. He would not accept responsibility for anything and if asked to do the slightest chore would have a big sulky fit, like a toddler.
Just because you do "stuff" doesn't mean they aren't in control of you. Once again, I think to myself, why would they want to change when they have suckers like us organising their entire lives for them?

does he complain about having no control of the practical sort of things? I always used to put my partners behaviour down to the fact he didn't get on with his boss at work etc and felt the need to have some control in aanother aspect of his life ie me. Nowdays I realise that is just crap.

Does he control you in other aspects? Eg how to deal with the kids/you going out on your own?

You need to be firm with him and tell him hes on borrowed time. Set a date eg New Year for him to boo k the AM, or you will leave. He's not going to change on his own and it sounds like he needs a bit of a rocket up his arse.

I hope you don't have to bad a evening, Sackache. Let us know how you are.

Bugsy, what finally prompted you to leave DH, if you don't mind me asking?

Hi Next, just seen your question. My ex-H had an affair. I tried to make a go of things but he wasn't able to finish with his girlfriend, so after a year I sued for divorce. Best thing I ever did.

I came home last night to a big bunch of flowers and a lengthy letter.
He said in the letter how sorry he was about this morning.... and about everything. He said he needs to find out why he loses control of his temper with me (and only me) and he knows that no matter what I do or say nothing warrants the reactions he's having. He said he's scared of himself so can only imagine how scared I am, and the kids.

He said he was pathetic and stupid and selfish. But he was going to get the help he needs to make things better.

He ended it saying that he knows flowers aren't enough, but he couldn't think of anything else to do at that moment in time. He said he was so sorry and he loves me and the kids.

I would call that progress, would he have done that 6 months ago ??

Bugsy - I remember those horrible times for you. And remember thinking "what a selfish bastard Bugsy's H is!". Look at you now!

LGJ - No way! I really was expecting him to be feeling too sorry for himself to think about how I was feeling. Its completely took me aback.

He didn't get in from work until 11pm last night so we haven't had much of chance to talk. He basically just said to my face all the things he'd written in the letter.

I told him that I won't believe anything until I see him taking action!

Glad to hear he has apologised SackAche. Being able to see that he is in the wrong is very important. Don't let him off with just the flowers and the letter, keep up the momentum and make him sort out his temper. Even counselling on his own might help, if he can't get on to an anger management course.
So pleased for you he has started moving in the right direction. I am still a big advocate of saving the marriage if at all possible.

Thanks Bugsy - He said last night that he needed to get help not only for me, but for the kids and himself. I firmly believe he has frightened himself and will finally go get the help he needs. I told him he should visit the GP again and not 'play down' the severity of his behaviour. He agreed. Fingers crossed.

That all sounds so good, I am very pleased. I think him really recognising a that there is a problem is great progress. I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you too.

At my partners AM session he suggested that the anger was linked to depression somehow. Have always felt that DP was always a bit depressed in some way.

Think your DH has had a bit of a breakthrough but its one thing saying it and another doing it.

Feel like a nag but make him do it today.

lol Next!
I wish he could do it today!! But he's 50 miles away working in Tesco.... and I don't think its the sort of thing he'll do from a Payphone.

Fair enough!

At least he regrets what he has done, and even knowing that, it might brightne up your Xmas a bit.

I really feel for you. It is very hard. I'm like you and don't want to let myself believe in him and then feel like a fool to myself if he goes back to being a kn*b.

Next - So true.... I do feel like he makes a fool of me when he lets me down. He cannot see that! Well.... until now anyway.

I made him feel even worse when he came in last night and the flowers he'd bought me were in the sink. He asked why they weren't in a vase and I replied "Coz you knocked my favourite vase off the table in a temper and I've never replaced it". He just went very quiet and said I'll buy you another one then.

Well, we've managed a whole 6 days with no aggro!!

AND DH phoned the Counselling place yesterday, like he said he would. PHEW! I haven't managed to find out what was said though as he was working late last night, and now I'm at work.

Will find out tonight though.

Just thought I'd update for those still tuning into Sackaches Saga!!!

All sounds good SackAche - glad he is keeping up the momentum by phoning the Counselling place. Hope the calm lasts over Christmas for you.

Thanks Bugsy, and he's been out all day buying my Christmas Pressy.