For those of you with crap parents who you don't speak to...

[dejinglejags]

If they call you after two years, on the pretext of making up with you, be careful before you get your hopes up of a proper reconciliation.

.

My dad phoned me last week, he was very calm and said he was very unhappy that we hadn't spoken in almost two years and asked me to think about what we could do to fix things.

I was equally calm and sent him and my mother an email stating exactly what about my childhood had been crap and how it has affected me (everything related to living with an alcholic mother and violent father).

I received an email back this morning along the lines of - it's your fault dejags, you need to apologise and fix things before we die .

How can I have been so bloody stupid to get my hopes up that these people will ever feel bad for kicking the crap out of me and making my life a living hell as a child.

rant over

I'm so sorry dejags - they actually physically abused you???

A long story HMC - if you ever have insomnia search on my name, it's not exactly thrilling stuff and sure to send you to sleep.

My childhood was abysmal - Dad did hit me a lot (including punching and dragging me by my hair - so yes to the abuse). Mum is an alcoholic, attempted suicide 3 times and is very verbally abusive and basically not able to love anything but the bottle.

I kept quiet my whole life until 2 years ago when a minor incident just sparked something inside and I lost it with them. We haven't spoken since(besides odd occasions when my dad called me insane and told anybody who would listen that I made the whole thing up).

When he called the other day I foolishly thought he was being sincere as he finally conceded that I wasn't a liar and that I hadn't been making it all up. I cried a lot yesterday . Despite everything, they still say it's my fault.

dejinglejags
So sorry, about your past & recent events, you do not deserve this kind of crap from anybody, let alone your parents. Just remember you are strong and have proved you resemble neither of them by walking away from the relationship, dont let them drag you back down

I hav'nt spoken to my Father for 16 years, he abused me, sexually, mentally & physically, I finally plucked up the courage to run away when I was 12. Blood is not always thicker!!!

As I have no experience of this sort of thing it really isn't my place to comment, but I would be tempted to change my email address and telephone number and write them out of my life for good in your situation.

They are simply not healthy for you. Look at how you are struggling this morning after hearing back from them?

Have you thought of counselling to help you decide how to deal with the parental relationship? I'm seeing a Relate counsellor currently re dh and I, and she suggested that I also seek counselling to help me deal with my feelings towards my father (who was a rubbish dad - but not in the same quantum as yours) experience)

Sorry - I changed my name back since posting previously!

Thanks all

I have been through the mill on this one. I had a brief spell with a counsellor which was productive but we didn't really gel so I stopped going after a while.

I have a great DH who is fantastic and two lovely boys - so I am well supported.

I am pretty reconciled to the situation - I have made my peace with the fact that we don't speak. I just feel like a fool for falling for his crap. I just won't give him the time of day from now on - proof that if I even give an inch they start trying to undermine me again.

Absolutely dejags...

Snowfalls - sorry to hear how bad things were for you.

Where did you go when you ran away, if you don't mind me asking?

Hi dejags

These people are still hurting you even now aren't they )-:

They will NEVER EVER change. Keep the e-mail and everytime you feel a bit of hope just go and re-read it.

My step-father used to pin me to the wall by my throat from when I was about 5. When I was in my 20's I asked him why he spent so many years raping and abusing me. His answer was that I enjoyed it. I was 8 when he started.

These people are scum. They are not worth anything. You are so much better than them and they do not deserve any sort of a relationship with you. They are incapable of thinking like a normal decent human being. I don't think that it is about giving up hope but accepting that these people are not worth ANYTHING from you.

I hope it stops hurting one day.

I understand too. My mother is mentally ill, she is also a very controlling and manipulative woman. On the outside she is a caring foster mum to many children, a devout Catholic who puts her own life on hold to care for others. But in reality she uses other people's misfortunes to benefit herself, she manipulates situations to her own advantage. She was also quite violent to me as a child, she slapped me and dragged me by my hair on a few occasions. Her second husband was psychologically abusive and made me feel inadequate and unloved.

Like you I also cut myself off from them after an incident in the summer. But for me it is harder to sever all ties as she is caring for my younger brother who has special needs (I say "caring" but "using" would be a more appropriate term). She now carries on as if I am the bad person, that it is all my fault. She refuses to say sorry for what has gone on and has brushed it under the carpet. So now when she calls it is only out of necessity and we just make small talk. I am not looking forward to this Christmas

It's bad because they are your parents and more than anything you want them to love you, to accept you, and I don't think that will ever go away. They are the people who brought you into this world and should be the one secure and constant thing in your life, so when they betray you, it makes it all the harder.

You will one day have some relief. Mine will come when my mother dies. A horrible thing to say but only then can I truly let go and get on with my life, until then there is always regret that we do not have a better relationship, sadness and a dread of her communications.

You are not alone. But be strong and make things different for your own children, they are now the most important things in your life.

I had an awful childhood. My mother is so cold towards us. She prefers the "laydees" down the golf club more than her own children/grandchildren. My kids really do not like her and I am always "falling out" with her because of her attitude towards Ds2's Autism.

My father was a bully and I left home at 17 to be free of him. I totally cut him out of my life until I got the call to say he was dieing. I spent 6 weeks sitting by the side of the bed and during this time he tried to make his peace with me. He apologised for the things he had done to me and the pain he had caused.
Bit late really though....he died knowing he had said sorry but I live my life now with no happy childhood memories. I long for my kids to have a "nice granny" instead of the fire breathing she dragon they have.

dejags and kathlean andd rhuby. I'm so sorry that the people on this thread have been through this horrible abuse at the hands of their parents and are still feeling the effects today. Off topic- but just wanted to say that one of the things that always fills me with awe and wonder and total admiration is when people who've been shat on time after time by their parents somehow manage to find the strength and skills and love to parent their kids so differently. It is amazing. You should all be so proud of yourselves. I bet your kids will be. My parents and in-laws did something similar and I am very proud of them (when they are not driving me batty with everyday annoting thigs that is!)

I empathise with all of you Cold parents have a lasting effect but it is them who miss out.Happiness is the best cure and having a child of my own definitely healed me Sometimes it is easier to just let them go

Look forward to meeting you Scummy!

dejags
really sorry. I too have parents who could represent Great Britain at self-delusion, and have finally put a cross on them.

You have my sympathies dejags, we sound like we had similar childhoods, I haven't seen/spoken to my father for many years.

The last time I had anything to do with my mother was as my Grandfather was dying, (and even then she was stealing money from him as he lay dying), she probably stole the money for alcohol or drugs. She refused to speak to me or acknowedge my existence. I have two brothers that I hardly ever see because our family is so 'splintered', the older brother was thrown out at 16 and I left on my 16th birthday and never looked back, so we have all lost touch really .

My parents are similar in the fact that they believe that they did nothing wrong, infact my mother (in her deluded state) actually believes that she was such a good mother and the proof of this is that we don't 'need' her anymore!!!

My father always says he doesn't know why I suffered from a brain injury when I was a child, (it was nothing to do with the fact this 6ft monster lifted me up over his head then threw me down to the floor in temper when I was two years old!) and he doesn't know how I got the scars on my face and body, when I still suffer from nightmares occasionally remembering when he decided to stick a knife in me!

I'm sorry for this rant and for being so graphic but I still get so angry sometimes.

Don't think you are being stupid for hoping that your parents would admit what they have done, I think I could begin to forgive and forget what my parents have done to me if only they would admit it and feel remorse.

I sometimes get asked what I would feel if they died, and I think that yes, I would grieve but not for the parents that I had but for the parents I should have had, and also the fact that it would be too late for them to try to put things right and yes, it is up to them to put things right not us IMO.

Dejags, I had a horrible childhood too, but nothing along the lines of what you suffered. Makes mine seem grand! Mine was just lack of love & affection from my mother. My dad left when I was under 6 & I really wish he had taken me.

I have to have a cleft lip repair when I was 11, I woke up asking for my mum (she had gone home) & when the nurse phoned she said she couldn't come back as she had work in the morning! I ended up crying into my pillow all night. My dad wasn't even told that I was in hospital, otherwise, he said, he would have stayed all night so some-one was there when I woke up. My mum told me he had been told, but couldn't be bothered to come. (my dad's version was the truth)

Not long after I had chicken pox & was beside myself in discomfort. I would call my mum begging her to come home, but again, work was more important! I was at home all day for 2 weeks, by myself. I had never felt so neglected in all my life!

The final straw came when I was 16 & she told her then bf, that she tried to self abort me. Twice. She told him this in front of me & sais "see, that's why I don't love you". I left home at 18 & cashed in my life insurance policy (got a new one with the mortgage so didn't need old one, so was going to use the money for my wedding, it was about £500.00) I never recieved the money, they sent a letter to her as she was guardian of the account as I was under 16 when I took it out, asked her who to make the cheque payable to & she said her! I had paid all the contributions, but she told them she did (even tho I had proof)she used it to buy her bf some christmas pressies.

I havent't spoken to her since. She is not a loss from my life at all. She did try once, when her bf left her, to contact me, but it felt very much like she was trying to make up numbers. She has never seen her Granddaughter, despite offers from me that she is welcome to meet her at any time.

She blames me for the hostility, saying I should have died when she tried to abort me. I can't believe some people are alloowed to be parents!

I hope you know it's not your fault, I don't think your parents are ready for a reconcilliation (sp) as they don't understand that it wasn't your fault, but theirs. Until they do, then I think you are better off concentrating on the people who love you.

Oh dejags

My parents too believe that the constant kickings / emotional abuse (Dad was a drunk / Mum a depressive) were my fault because of my 'abhorrent' personality (I have the symptoms of As so I know i'm not easy to live with BTW. I do get along with them now mainly because they've recovered, but it is a taboo subject because THERE IS NOTHING ON THE PLANET THAT JUSTIFIES ANY ABUSE. It really is that simple. I carried the belief it was my fault for years (I even prevented my school going to SS because I thought i'd asked for it) but now I realise that it was their inadequacies and not mine, and you must realise and remember this too.

Huge hugs to all of your ladies who have "toxic parents" as parents.

Dejinglejags (and others) - you may find this link useful (and would recommend this book to anyone trying to deal with the legacy that toxic parents leave).

www.travelin-tigers.com/zlyn/bktoxic.htm.

dejags I'm so sorry.
How very well you have done in your life despite this horrendous start.
My parents (esp my mother) have always been controlling, manipulative and scary. I was cut off 5 1/2 years ago because I did not let them terrorise me into leaving dh. I am trying to regain contact for the sake of ds and will be visiting them next spring, but up till now their level of insight has been on a par with the level your parents seem to have and I know I could be bitterly disappointed. I so hope I don't put ds through what my mother's put me through.

MelissasSecretSanta

That is truly awful

Your story sounds so so familiar, have I read it before in a magazine like take a break???

My mothers brothers & sisters refused to talk to me, saying that she did the best job she could. But I don't think that telling your child you didn't love her & tried to abort her was the best job!

Squirrel, I grieve (evem tho sh isn't dead) for the mother I wanted & thought I deserved. I don't miss her, at all. But I do miss having a mum that I can share my lefe & achievements with. Tankfully, me & dad are very very close as a result. If I had lived with hiw I would never have met my DH, so some good did come from my living with her.

I know how bereft and motherless I felt/sometimes still feel, so I can't imagine what it must be like for you, MSS and for all of you whose parents were even worse than mine.

snowfall, no I doubt it. The only people who know about it are DH, 2 friends & my dad & sister. I wrote a long letter to her to tell her how she messed up, but I never sent it. I keep it tucked away where I occasionaly stumble on it.

The dilema I face now is that we are trying to emigrate to Australia & my oldest brother is almost forcing me to make it up with her before I go. I don't want to. I don't mind if I never see her again. He know's too, some of what I went thru, he didn't speak to her for years as she was nasty to him too (he went to live with my dad). They have just started talking again, so he thinks she is wonderful! My dad is hopefully going to tell him to back off, but it hurts that my brother is thinking more of her than of me!

MSS - I know how that must feel. My brother and grandmother, in fact my whole family, dropped me like a hot potato too when my parents cut me off. It left me wondering how much I had ever meant to any of them.
But you mustn't do it if you don't want to. You need to protect yourself.