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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

For those of you with crap parents who you don't speak to...

46 replies

dejinglejags · 12/12/2005 11:04

If they call you after two years, on the pretext of making up with you, be careful before you get your hopes up of a proper reconciliation.

My dad phoned me last week, he was very calm and said he was very unhappy that we hadn't spoken in almost two years and asked me to think about what we could do to fix things.

I was equally calm and sent him and my mother an email stating exactly what about my childhood had been crap and how it has affected me (everything related to living with an alcholic mother and violent father).

I received an email back this morning along the lines of - it's your fault dejags, you need to apologise and fix things before we die .

How can I have been so bloody stupid to get my hopes up that these people will ever feel bad for kicking the crap out of me and making my life a living hell as a child.

rant over

OP posts:

Squirrel3Kings · 12/12/2005 12:42

MelissasSecretSanta, I remember (when I was about 5) being so desperate to hear my mother tell me that she loved me I kept on telling her "I love you Mummy" over and over again because I so wanted her to say it back, eventually she said "ok, I love you too, but only because you are my daughter, but I don't like you one bit". That was the only time she ever told me that she loved me and I'm sure she just said it to shut me up.

I'm sure this has stayed with me, I always think that people don't like me and I tend to push people away who (in my eyes) 'pretend' to like me, its sad because in truth I'm sure I'm not that unlikable! but its really hard to not act on these irrational feeling sometimes.

MelissasSecretSanta · 12/12/2005 12:45

foundintransleightion, That's exactly why I don't want to do it. My mother had 3 children of her own & raised my dad eldest until my dad left, (taking him too), up until a year ago only my sister spoke to her. Now my brother does too. My dad's eldest won't as he sees what kind of a woman she is.

I know I will spend the rest of my life waiting for the next crash if I let her in. Even being near her makes it all come back & honestly, how do you start to love somebody who said they never loved you? Or wanted you? She isn't my mum, just the woman who gave birth to me.

MelissasSecretSanta · 12/12/2005 12:48

squirrel. my mother NEVER said she loved me. The only time she ever hinted at it was when I was packing to move in with my now DH, she was trying to convince me it was a big mistake (13 years ago) & that he would kick me out as soon as he found some-one else. She said, "you know I love you, & I think you should stay" I tried to convince myself that it was me she wanted not my £100.00 per week board! But I knew she didn't love me. She spent 18 years telling me so, then tells me once that she does, I don't think so!

Squirrel3Kings · 12/12/2005 12:49

Thats exactly how I feel about my mother, she is the woman that gave birth to me, nothing else.

When I was living at home I was always trying and trying to be the perfect daughter to gain her love but she never stopped hurting me and I don't want to give her the chance to do it again.

What's the point?

MelissasSecretSanta · 12/12/2005 12:54

squirrel, I did the opposite. I stayed in a controlling relationship with a friend as I was sure she loved me for me & was scared of losing that! I would buy her & her family expensive gifts. (the last present I brought her was a digital camera)As I thought it would make her love me. Last year she told she resented my DD, because I had changed since I had her & that I had let her down (because I couldn't help her at work one day). We haven't spoken since & as a consequence I find it hard trusting people. She was the 1 friend that knew about my childhood & she just used it to make me do stuff for her as she knew I was too scared not to.

Groggymama · 12/12/2005 12:58

this thread is making me cry, hugs to you all

Original poster

dejinglejags · 12/12/2005 12:59

Oh lord! Some of you have had such terrible things happen to you. My situation pales in comparison.

I have thought about this and I just cannot see any justification for the behaviour of parents described on this thread. Some people are just not meant to be parents.

OP posts:

MelissasSecretSanta · 12/12/2005 13:00

Making me cry too, groggy! But in all honesty, it's been good to get it all out. With my brother putting the pressure on, it has all come to the fore again & I can't deal with it on my own.

Original poster

dejinglejags · 12/12/2005 13:03

My mother told me a few times that she loved me but only when she was steaming drunk - euuurgghh! the memory of the wine/fag breath and her suffocating attempts to be like a real mother make the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

My mother tried to commit suicide in 2001 - she took 80 (no word of a lie) tranquilisers - the doctors told us that her survival was a miracle.

In her suicide note she asked for her dog to be looked after and the first thing she said when she came out of the coma was - "why didn't it work for fuck sake?". Most of the time I pity this person who cannot love anything except a dog who loves her unconditionally and my father who beat the sh1t out of her for years.

OP posts:

Squirrel3Kings · 12/12/2005 13:03

Our parents have so much to answer for, all of my life I have not trusted anybody until I met dp, he is teaching me how to trust by not letting me push him away, no matter what I do!

His parents are trying to understand that I find the 'family thing' very hard to deal with, they are a very close loving family (apart from the mil who is a bit of a battleaxe but I can deal with that)

MelissasSecretSanta · 12/12/2005 13:04

I had thought of writing a letter to my brotherm stating why I don't want to go down that road, but part of me thinks that he KNOWS what I went thru so he should have more understanding!

Original poster

dejinglejags · 12/12/2005 13:04

ooops sorry for not abbreviating my swear words. I got carried away.

must learn to control language

OP posts:

MelissasSecretSanta · 12/12/2005 13:09

dejags, my mother once "tried" suicide, She was arguing with her bf & pretended to take 90 nurofen. He was convinced that she had done it & when I picked up all the scattered pills under her bed there was 86 there! The 4 missing where ones that I had previously taken for headaches. Her bf was livid!

She said tat all she wanted was some sympathy from him & that once again I had ruined her life.

Squirrel, I again, find family life easy, I love the idea of being around DH's family! But then I get let down when the people don't act as I think they should! BUt then, they don't know what I went thru, so how can they re-act any better?

MelissasSecretSanta · 12/12/2005 13:11

*Not better, different!

SecondhandRose · 12/12/2005 13:11

My advice is to batten down the hatches, build a mental brick wall, you know who the most important people are in your lives - your children and partners.

You can't change the past or make your parents do/feel what you want them to. My Dad went to his grave with me still not really talking to him since I was 13 when he used to accuse me of all sorts that weren't true.

I have a mother who shows no emotion, doesn't really speak unless spoken to and has never told me she loves me and she moved in with us 6 months ago while she looks for a house to buy! She readily admits she doesn't like people in general!

I'm surprised I'm not completely do-lally to be honest.

MelissasSecretSanta · 12/12/2005 13:15

secondhandrose. My brick wall was fine until I spoke to my brother. Then dh's aunt & uncle told me I should go see her too. Their lack of understanding just brought those wall tumbling down, because without the support of the family memebers who do know, I can't hold them up, I'm not strong enough!

Kathlean · 12/12/2005 13:24

MSS you are strong enough. I assume you have a child/children.

Just look at them, do you want this woman anywhere near them. I would have kiiled anyone who allowed my step-father in the same house let alone the same room as my DS.

They are your bricks, your wall and your reason that you are completly doing the right thing and moving as far away from this person as possible without ever seeing her again.

They are your family and they are the most important people to you. Not a bunch of relatives who obviously don't care as much as they should about your well being.

SecondhandRose · 12/12/2005 13:25

MSS, if you speak with her do you think it will do you any good or make you happier?

milwardmincepies · 12/12/2005 13:34

dejags - it's not your fault. How dare your parents write that to you. Let them be. Concentrate on your dh & ds's who love & support you. best wishes xxx

MelissasSecretSanta · 12/12/2005 16:08

Kathlean, I am strong, but not always. I was fine until my brother brought it up. I have 1 DD, I think she is better off not knowing who her grandmother is. My nieces & nephews get brought beautiful expensive gifts for their b/days & xmas, but only because my mother uses it as a one sided competition with my sisters In Laws.

I would rather my daughter was loved, not brought.

Secondhandrose, I can't talk to her, because I know it will upset me & I won't let her see me like that. We had along talk when I moved in with DH years ago, but she failed to see how she hurt me, she said that if my dad hadn't have left her with a daughter she never wanted in the first place, then maybe she could have grown to love me. So, it's always somebody elses fault & there realy is no point unless she can take at least some of the blame.

snowfalls · 13/12/2005 19:29

dejinglejags

Sorry only just picked up that you asked me a question.

I ran away back to my mums, we had just moved back to the same town she lived in. I was there for over a week when my mum rang my dad to say I was there, he did'nt even report me missing.

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