End of a five year relationship.

[RoyalWelsh]

I've posted things about DP and I on other places on MN. I have woken up this morning to an empty bed as DP has slept on the sofa. We agreed to split last night. I don't think it has properly sunk in yet. He says he will look for somewhere else to live and be gone by the weekend.

We love each other, but we want different things. I was clear at the start of the relationship that I wanted babies and a marriage and I wasn't prepared to compromise. He said he had never really considered them but he wanted to make me happy etc.

I have finished university now and have a job. We are both working and have a good relationship. I brought up starting a family and he said, let me think about it for a while but probably.

Yesterday he told me he's not ready for children, doesn't know if he will ever be ready. I told him I appreciated that he isn't ready, but I am and have been since the beginning and that I wasn't sure if I could continue in the same way for the next five, ten years without knowing for definite. So we decided that we had to end it.

It has all been very amicable, very polite. I know, though, that in a few hours when I stop feeling numb, that I will feel like m heart has been ripped out. I can feel it coming already as it's getting harder to breath.

I don't want to lose him but a marriage and babies... It's all I've ever wanted and he knows that. We have to stay apart, don't we?

'The best time to have children is when you are early thirties, when u have seen life, lived a little, got a house and nice things.'

It's when you and your partner (or not) want to and can afford it.

Age has nothing to do with it.

'You're 23! Have kids now and say goodbye to the rest of your life - they're a pain in the arse. Take my [ good and experienced! ] advice and see how you feel in 5 or 6 years time.'

Wow, I'm really glad my husband doesn't feel he said goodbye to the rest of his life because he had them in his early and mid 20s, as well as many of our friendds.

I'm a good and experienced 40-something who thinks it's patronising to preach to someone that they can't possibly make decisions like this because they are 'too young' or infantilise my own children in such a way.

No wonder I had such a hard time finding a partner in my 30s, Mummy had told htem they were still too young to do anything but 'have fun' and play in an adult version of a sandpit.

Oh, and guess what? Sometimes, you still have poor financial position, even in your 40s! We lost everything through redundancies. We live in rented accommodation but because I was pushing 40, putting off kids any more wasn't really an option.

Life has no guarantees. Live it accordingly.

This post is so so sad as I can feel that you do love each other. No advice for you but I hope things work out for you as you wish.

My husband also never had the desire to travel or go clubbing or go out a lot. He's been teetotal since he was 18, by choice.

Some people don't, you know.

Sansa, people can only speak from their personal experience. Your DH was 23 when he had his first child, but as you've admitted, you were in your 30s at the time. Would your DH have been so keen to have children has his partner been 21 or 22?

Whatever you do, don't give up someone you truly truly love for some rose tinted view of marriage and children.

You sound like me when I split up with my teen sweetheart because he didn't want to same things as me, and me when I married someone who I thought wanted what I wanted (children marriage the whole schebang), yes I was young but what did being young have to do with it? I knew I wanted marriage and children

But not me when the divorce happened, when I realised what (or who) was missing.

You just went in a panic cos you thought you DP had left (page 2). i don't think you're ready to end it yet.

Give yourself and your DP some more time.

Um, whatever, shineon. I see age doesn't always confer wisdom

And yes, Bennifer, he was looking for a person to marry and have children with no matter what her age and was casting the net far and wide, not limiting himself.

If you don't love and honour yourself and what you need first, you can expect no one else will, either.

There are 3bn men in the world, don't waste your time thinking there's only one of them for you to ever love.

Thank you all again

He must have crept into bed after midnight last night because I woke up in his arms this morning, before I posted earlier (I got up to let the dog out.) it's funny how you forget so quickly what someone feels like, IYSWIM? We did have sex (TMI I know) but it felt different, almost new. I know he doesn't want to go and I don't want him to go either.

He has said, now, that he does want what I want, just not right this second. He also said earlier that he knows I don't want to wait very long and he thinks he can handle that, just not right now. That sounds like a fair compromise doesn't it? It sounds like we can stay together, which is what both of us want, without losing out too much on the things that we want.

You gotta do what you feel is right for you right now, SO, no matter what it is, what your age, financial position, etc. Follow your conscience. My biggest regrets where when I did not do that, where I let others sway what I felt in my heart of hearts was The Right Thing To Do.

YES YES YES

Thats a superb compromise, your only 23, if he still feels the same in five year time you'll still have plenty of time to move on then. But give him a chance to settle into his life and career too.

Please don't live your life with time tables - 'in five years time,' 'when I'm thirty'.

Just go with your conscience. If it feels right stay for more time, then do. If and when it no longer feels so, no matter what your age, then address that matter as it arises.

Plenty of people on this board have become parents in their 20s and are happy with that.

If anything, make this about you, not him, since this is a time in your life when it can be. If it feels right to you, then do it.

Are you sure he's not just saying what you want to hear to stop you from leaving? Has he said that he definitely wants to have children with you in the future and/ or get married? Because if not then nothing has changed for you.

Sansa, he did say something along the lines of "well, its not really a compromise is it because I'm getting what I want and you aren't" and obviously that's true. I have said again though that I won't be waiting five years, but the way I see it now is that I mightn't actually get pregnant this year anyway, even if we were trying. So theres no guarantee that I would have a baby before I am 25 as I am 24 in a month and a half ish.

I'm not saying I'm ecstatic and that it wont hurt when I have to watch someone else have a baby/get married but two years isn't a long time and I'm sure it will fly by. DP has suggested we go on holiday soon, which will give me something else to look forward to and I suppose this way I can save money for when I do have a baby. More money.

God, doesn't shineon flatter herself?

ZZZZzzzzzz.

It's your life, SO. You have to do what you feel is right for you now and at every point along the way.

Yes black tea, he has said that he wants them, with me, just not now. I just have to trust that he truly loves me enough to be able to be honest and tell me if they really aren't on the cards so we can go our separate ways. I do trust him, but its a gamble that scares me, even if I mostly, at least 85%, think it will pay off.

I remembered as well that his mum had him Shen she was 21 and I know they struggled, so I do wonder if that has a bit to do with it.

I had my eldest at 24 (not planned!) honestly it was the worst age in terms of not having any life before that (uni), couldn't establish my career and now I'm at the end of my 30s and my entire 20s and 30s have revolved around my kids. Yes they are gift I am very grateful for them but I will probably be 50 before I have a break from them, which will mean having to go away as they've all probably still be living here!

I know it's not always wise to wait in terms of fertility but I honestly think you could easily wait 3-4 years easily before TTC. Enjoy yourselves, it is very very hard to envisage the huge life change being a parent is.

I don't blame your boyfriend at all. Twenty six is very young for a man to feel the desire for a marriage and family. I know there are posters whose husbands felt this, but the OP's boyfriend doesn't and that is normal, too.

OP, you sound desperate for a child. Do you realise that in all likelihood you will feel this even when you actually have a child? I remember feeling as strongly as that when I was in a hospital bed with a new baby!

There are things that you can only do in your twenties, when you are so young and free. I know you're saying "But we can do this in our forties" but can you blame your boyfriend for thinking, "I'd rather do them now, and take care of my children in my forties"?

Don't throw away a good relationship just because he doesn't want marriage and a family this young. It's normal that he feels this. It is not a rejection of you.

I don't blame him either Imperial. We aren't angry with each other, we both know that the other have valid opinions and know that neither one of us is in the wrong. It's just that we have different wishes.

I really, really hope that what you're saying about the wanting never going away will not happen to me. It's near enough unbearable, this god awful ache I have. Sometimes its so strong that it physically takes my breath away and its been so much worse since the miscarriage I had earlier in the year.

DP is wonderful though. Obviously I complain about him and his irritating habits, but that's all part of the joy of being part of a couple he will be a fantastic father. I've seen it in the way he cares for his mum and for the way he cares for and loves me.

'Sometimes its so strong that it physically takes my breath away and its been so much worse since the miscarriage I had earlier in the year.'

Ah! This puts a whole new spin on things. Honestly, try to get some counselling for your loss.

Please, also, try not to set such store by having a baby. There are so many fantastic ways of spending your life; having a child isn't the only way. I love my children more than anything but am so glad I didn't have them until my early thirties. You're forced to grow up so much when you have a child and even when they're older, you still have to be careful and responsible. Mine are in their late teens/early twenties now and all those things I thought I could do when they were that age (like working abroad) just isn't really possible when they still need me to be near enough to help out at times.

Try to make the most of every stage of your life.