End of a five year relationship.

[RoyalWelsh]

I've posted things about DP and I on other places on MN. I have woken up this morning to an empty bed as DP has slept on the sofa. We agreed to split last night. I don't think it has properly sunk in yet. He says he will look for somewhere else to live and be gone by the weekend.

We love each other, but we want different things. I was clear at the start of the relationship that I wanted babies and a marriage and I wasn't prepared to compromise. He said he had never really considered them but he wanted to make me happy etc.

I have finished university now and have a job. We are both working and have a good relationship. I brought up starting a family and he said, let me think about it for a while but probably.

Yesterday he told me he's not ready for children, doesn't know if he will ever be ready. I told him I appreciated that he isn't ready, but I am and have been since the beginning and that I wasn't sure if I could continue in the same way for the next five, ten years without knowing for definite. So we decided that we had to end it.

It has all been very amicable, very polite. I know, though, that in a few hours when I stop feeling numb, that I will feel like m heart has been ripped out. I can feel it coming already as it's getting harder to breath.

I don't want to lose him but a marriage and babies... It's all I've ever wanted and he knows that. We have to stay apart, don't we?

I found it a little off, too, tbh.

Plenty of my friends, my age, are married, engaged, having families. I think the attitude that early 20s is too young is a little short sighted, IMO. I know what I want in my personal life as much as I know what I want career wise. To say I don't, or people my age don't, is a little like saying to someone who chooses to be a doctor or a vet that they are too young to know any better.

I don't particularly want to travel. I have a home that I have spent the last four years creating and a job that I work hard and enjoy. It would seem silly to give all that up on a whim.

I don't think, realistically, that he is running from commitment. We have lived together for the past four years, that is quite a commitment in itself. It is just that he doesn't believe in marriage and he doesn't want children. That is understandable, and also not confined to 20 something males. It is a personal choice, no matter the age. As is mine.

I don't really think that wanting to have a family depends on what age you are (barring biological clock ticking, of course). I think it depends more on what stage the relationship has reached. There comes a point when you think 'been there, done that, ready for something else now'. And if he's not reached the point of wanting to move on after five years, then I don't think he's going to have reached it in ten, or fifteen. He sounds as if he doesn't want anything to ever change - but of course, everything changes all the time. Life is a journey, so why tread water, IYSWIM?

The thing is though Slight, different time scales is wanting different things and I imagine he knows that deep down. It just sounds better the way he's put it. Don't let him do the shaking-head-sadly thing at you, if it's something you've always wanted and been clear about, he needs to stand aside and let you walk the path you have always wanted and not make you wait according to his timetable.

When I got back together with my first love a year after we'd split up, I knew I really wanted kids in the next few years and he knew he didn't want them until he was living a certain lifestyle and a certain age (i.e older). We split up again, partly because of that. Neither of us was prepared to compromise, it was a total deadlock and neither was wrong really, as in your situation. I now have a three year old son and am a single mother because I had a child with someone who was less that ideal. He is married and has just had his first child. I don't regret anything and I'd do the same again.

Ultimately, different timetables for such things indicates such a massive personality difference that you'd not manage to get past this even if you decided to do things 'his way'. Very likely this is a sign of other incompatibilities that haven't made themselves known yet.
I think you're probably doing the right thing, but that doesn't mean it won't be hell in the short term. Stick with it, love. x

Oh fuck I think it might actually be over. He was supposed to be home at half five and he hasn't told me where he is, that he was going out, when he will be home. It wouldn't have even taken this long if he went to the supermarket first.

I don't know how to be single. I know that's pathetic, really really pathetic. Five years isn't even that long in the grand scheme of things. I will lose my home though, I can't afford it on my own.

Oh fuck fuck fuck. Stupid. Any chance he has persuaded a friend to nip him off to the shopping centre to get an engagement ring?

You have done the right thing, but it is very important not to consider him a bad man. He isn't. He just wants different things out of life (and it is no more unreasonable to want to remain childfree and unmarried than it is to want marriage and children, it's just different).

Just do be a little careful when you are ready to move on to a different partner, though. Don't let your desire for marriage and children make you desperate, so desperate that you overlook red flags from a man who wants, or claims to want, a family life. While it's reasonable not to want to wait a long time for an otherwise desirable man to 'be ready', it is reasonable, given your age, to wait at least a little while and be sure of getting a nice man.

Oh sgb, he isn't a bad man at all, he's a lovely person. That's what makes it harder, I'm throwing away someone who loves me and who I love because of something that I may or may not get without him. It would be so much easier if he was horrid. I think I'm talking myself out of it

You're 'throwing away' nothing. You're honouring the person you are, who has very normal wants and needs that he does not, and, as SGB said, neither side is wrong.

So, what happened?

Did he come home? Did you talk some more?

YOu are but 23. The best time to have children is when you are early thirties, when u have seen life, lived a little, got a house and nice things.

You are both far too young as yet for children and worrying about marriage.

Sorry but marriage is not the be all end all, it really means nothing but a piece of paper.

If you love each other you should be together the rest will sort itself out, what would you rather, be with someone just for the sake of being a baby machine.

Sorry Fabby, I think you're stating too much of your personal opinion as fact there, unless you've got some close personal relationship with the op? OP, my DH and I split in 2006 in similar circumstances, we just couldn't see how our different life plans could be compatible. We'd been together 6 years at that point, he was 23 and I was 25, but at that point we were both so sure we couldn't be happy together long term, although we loved each other. As it turned out, we realised that accepting the things the other person couldn't compromise on (marriage, kids) and compromising on the rest was preferable to not being together. We've now been married a year and I'm 29 weeks pregnant. We're very, very happy.

My point - if he can't accept what you can't compromise on (and this will NOT 'sort itself out'), even if it means losing you, then the relationship is not meant to be, and vise versa of course. You will either find that your relationship ends here, leaving you free to find someone with the same life goals, or that it survives and moves to a different level. Either way, good luck!

I just feel it is such a shame to throw away love, when in a few years time things may be totally different. When you are in fact happy with someone, what is to say that you will meet someone you feel like that about again?

Love is not easy to find, it does not come along just like that, it takes time to find the right person. I'd rather love over children, albeit I would not be without mine now.

I have a different take and as Ness says it depends on his age and yours. If you are both young he probably wants to live before thinking about dc, holidays etc.
I met my DH at 25 and we had gone out for some time, he was moving with his job to a different country and we had to make choices as I was 29 and new I wanted dc. He didn't know whether he wanted children but that he did want to carry on being with me. I said that at 30 I would stop precautions because the clock was ticking a little and incase problems arose and that if he decided he didn't want them then at least I had a child and that I would support it myself.
We have been together for 9 years and now have 2 lovely dds.

I can say that he is the best dad that I have ever met Very involved, they are his world.

Similarly I had a friend who definately didn't want children, got married in her late 30's and was so upset she had ante-natal depression.......absolutely loves motherhood and went on to have 2 dc in her 40's

If you love him I would wait

what shine and fabby said Go to concerts, to restaurants, holidays, get a home together and furnished and your careers established before babies. They are expensive! It is better to leave it later and be able to provide well, enjoy being a couple for a while before they arrive imo.

At 26 he is probably thinking about career and may even think he could not financially support you. My brother was the same at that age but then 2 years later they started a family and he is happily married to sil.

Fabby and Shine talk sense.

I don't know but suspect my DH would have said no if I had said I wanted a child at 23. We had no money then and had only just started working. We had massive debts.

Our plan was to save money and get ourselves in a position where we could afford to have a family. OP have you got enough money for all the stuff a baby needs? Have you a house that is big enough for a family? Getting the house once you have the family and are down to possibly just one income is very hard.

I know some people don't want expensive gadgets and of course babies don't need them. But parenting on a shoestring must be hard work.

Perhaps money isn't a problem for you OP- in which case you are one of the lucky ones.

Oh gosh I didn't expect more posts :) thank you for all your different opinions.

I would like to say again, though, that I don't feel I should put off wanting children solely because of my age. I know, objectively speaking, that it is quite young but people do things all sorts of different ways. In terms of money, the way I see it is we could very well incorporate a baby into our finances at the moment, but we couldn't afford lots of holidays. I don't know if that makes sense, but I remember going through it a while ago!

Neither of us have wanted to 'travel' we want to be able to see the world, as it were, but not rake off on a whim for months at a time. It seems to me that if we started our family now we could effectively be 'child free' by the time we are early 40s and both our careers would enable us to go on holidays then as a couple, although there's no reason why we couldn't do so before hand

His career won't be affected by a family. It's a small, thriving, family run business that adore him as he is wonderful. They have already disussed this scenario with him. My career, however, will be. I don't want to just start getting into my stride and then disappear off on maternity leave.

As for 'marriage just being a piece of paper' maybe it is for you but it isn't for me. I don't give two hoots about the wedding, it could be Gretna green for all I care, but I do believe in the security and commitment and symbolism that being married has.

He did come home and we have talked about it. We both said that we love each other and don't want to lose that. He's back in our bed and he isn't leaving this weekend but we still have stuff to sort out. Obviously I don't want to force him into doing anything and in reality I could wait two maybe three years. But no more. And not without some sign of further commitment.

Oh yes. In response to someone elses post about houses and furniture etc, we don't own our own house, we rent, but its a beautiful three bed stone walled farmhouse with a garden. It's not without t's problems but the landlord is successful and kind and, more importantly, we have all our own furniture. We have worked hard to create a home for ourselves that we are almost very proud of, even if there are a few bits and pieces that still aren't quite right

I think the important thing is actually, NOT the decision you make; none of us can ever know how things will work out, we're always only making our best guess, but instead the spirit in which you make your decisions, IYSWIM.
I mean making choices that feel true to ourselves, driven by the things we really want rather than by fear of what we don't want, trusting ourselves to make the best choice we can can with the info that we have at the time.
I think you're doing that, op, and you should trust yourself.

Mmmm so it is all going well at the moment.

However you are not in a strong financial position here Slight. You obviously don't see it though. So there is nothing the rest of us can say.

In a couple of years time when you have two small children, are renting a house you don't like, can't afford a car and can't afford things the children need/want it won't look so good.

I think you sound like you have your head in the clouds and I suspect you have had little financial education from your family. Please correct me if I am wrong.

I think to say I have had little financial education from my family is a bit presumptuous. We manage very well, thank you, and I have put myself through university with very little help. I run my own car and pay exactly half of everything. We donate to charity monthly and I also contribute to my mothers mortgage payments. I'm not sure how you came to that conclusion but I find it quite an odd one to arise at. Also, why having a child would suddenly mean giving up my car and our home is beyond me.

The reason I asked for advice here was because of the decision I was trying to make about my relationship. I wasn't asking for a critique on my personal desires. Wanting a family is not abnormal in my people my age, nor is it unreasonable.

Thank you for your input, it is valuable to hear about the experiences of others. I particularly like what post said about having good intentions behind my decisions or something similar (am on my phone so can't scroll up well enough to quote properly.)

I don't want anyone to think I am disregarding their point of view, Shineon and Fab I've seen you around and often nod in agreement to what you post and, if nothing else, your posts have encouraged me to think from the perspective of DP even more.

Arise = arive

You are 23. I felt similarly when I was 23, but then relaxed and focussed on progressing in work and enjoying myself. It was the best decision I ever made.

My DH (we weren't married at the time) was pretty adament that children were not on his horizon. Even though I felt so differently, I stayed with him because we had a good relationship and I loved him.

I am now 30 with one DS aged 13 months. My DH ADORES our boy. The two of them are practically having a love affair!

All it took was time. It took my DH until he was 35 for him to think that o'k I am ready for a child.

Your partner is young and so you are. If you are happy with him, pls do not do anything rashly. Give the guy a break, let him enjoy his twenties with little responsibility. Then chances are he will really enjoy fatherhood rather than seeing it as a burden.

I have to say that I too think - go and have fun. Do your own thing. And indeed, think about whether you want to be with this man in any case - because once you've got kids, you have to think about the whole co-parenting issue and it does rather hamper your decisions.

I do, actually, know both men and women who ended relationshiops in their 20s over the babies issue - and then decided, years later, that they did want children. (And had them, with other partners. Everyone lived happily ever after, in fact. One of them was my DP, who became a father at 35.) But equally, you can't of course hang on for someone 'just in case'. Having said that, I'd shelve the whole baby thing for five years and enjoy life.