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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

friend let my child sleep at someone else's house without telling me WWYD?

32 replies

chillipepperqueen · 06/09/2011 17:50

Hi, I am new here and wanted to see what you all thought of this situation to see if I am overreacting or not.... my DS (9) was iinvited bby a friend for a sleepover, I said yes as he has been before and I trusted the mother so no problem. When I dropped him off, I saw friend getting ready to go out and enquired where she was going when she informed me that they were all going to a relative's for a party and that they would stay the night.... my DS was to stay in an annex next to the main house with his friend... I was not particularily happy about not having been told about this before, and stupidly let him go as I didn't want to disappoint the boys who were all around us as we spoke.... I also trusted the mother who is/was a good friend of mine.... Next morning, I received a text saying all was ok and could he stay another night.... I declined as double sleepover could be a bit much... but I stated I could pick him up a bit later so that they could have a full days' play. Mother asked me to pick up at 7pm but I declined as it was too late and said I'd be there earlier. This is when she told me that she was working and the boys were still at relative's house (whom I've only met briefly a long time ago, and who lives in another town , address unknown to me) so she could not bring him home till later. I asked who was eith the boys, thinking her hubbie must be, but no, my son was with her relatives. I eventually got son home (dropped off quickly by her DH so could not talk) and found out from DS that they had all gone to party but that my friend and her DH had gone home after party and had not stayed the night at the relative's house with DS and friend, he had not seen them again, nor had he asked her to text me asking for another night..... furthermore he disclosed that he and his friend were dropped off in local town centre for a few hours with £20 on their own..... I am fuming! I have not allowed my DS to go into town on his own yet and do not expect someone else to do so without checking with me first, even worse I was speechless at them not sleeping in the same house? what if my DS had needed someone in the night? or had an emergency? When I agree to a sleepover it is because I trust those parents to take care of my child not to 'outsource' his care to a third party without my knowledge?!?!? Is it me? or is this reasonable behaviour??

OP posts:

Ragwort · 06/09/2011 17:54

Well, what are you really expecting to do about it now? Obviously it is far from ideal but your DS has survived and presumably you will not be letting him stay with this friend again? No, I don't think it was fair to put your DS in this position but every family is different. Next time he is invited to a friend's house you will just have to clarify the arrangements very carefully.

MangoMonster · 06/09/2011 20:12

Agree with ragwort.

Ragwort · 06/09/2011 20:18

Thanks Mango - don't often get people agreeing with me !

LynetteScavo · 06/09/2011 20:22

"furthermore he disclosed that he and his friend were dropped off in local town centre for a few hours with £20 on their own"

I would be more than fuming.

festi · 06/09/2011 20:25

I would not let this be a done deal in ending a friendship, no more sleepovers but I would put it behind me. If im honest I probably wouldnt even voice my anger to friend. I have a friend who offered to take dd camping I agreed but then changed my mind when she told me how far her dd roamed from then I was shocked and wouldnt leave them in charge of my dd, I didn't say why I had changed my mind, just put it off, but in RL im a coward I suposse.

thisishowifeel · 06/09/2011 20:27

I would be bouncing off the walls I'm afraid. Absolutely disgraceful breach of trust and responsibilty.

Nine years old? No you are not being remotely unreasonable.

Blimey, I think you have been very restrained actually.

As for doing something about it? Well no I suppose that's too late, but you are allowed to express your feelings on the matter...they may be a different kind of family, but in my world they are also very, very wrong.

Proudnscary · 06/09/2011 20:30

I have a nine year old son. I would be angry too

My 'Mumsnet' reaction is: I would speak to this woman and give her a piece of my mind and say her behaviour and decisions were not acceptable.

In truth, in real life: I would probably say something tame like 'to be honest I admire you for giving your ds more independence than I'm ready to give, as I wouldn't have let them go into town', smile a watery smile and make mental note never to let my son near her house again!

And as the others say above put it down to experience - make sure you are clear on what's what in future with other sleepovers.

Eglu · 06/09/2011 20:31

I would be furious too. That is appalling behaviour.

shesgotherlipstickon · 06/09/2011 20:34

She wouldn't be having my kids again, nor would she be my friend. I'd tell her why too.

Passing around a 9 year old like a pass the parcel. Then dumping him in town. I'd be beyond livid if that was my nine year old. I wouldn't be able to forgive such a breach of trust.

You should of clarified arrangements.......errrr why? Is it normal to dump 9 year olds in your care alone in town is it? On what planet?

buzzsorekillington · 06/09/2011 20:42

I wouldn't let him sleep over at the friend's again, for sure. It's just weird and irresponsible behaviour by the parents.

DownyEmerald · 06/09/2011 20:46

I would be steaming. For all the reasons others have said. I think I would say something even tho' I hate confrontation because it is such incredibly stupid behaviour. Was she happy her son had been dumped in town by a relative?

Hulababy · 06/09/2011 20:50

I have a 9y and I would not be happy at all. I wouldn't stop the friendship but I would stop future sleepovers or lengthy playdates. TBH I would be unlikely to let DD go round to play again for a good while. I would allow the friend to come to us instead if they wanted though.

I am a bit of a coward and don't liek confrontation so I'd be unlikely to bring it up again myself now, but if the parents brought it up or asked about why no to future playdates I would comment.

Vallhala · 06/09/2011 20:51

I'd say you are perfectly justified in being livid and just as in the right to tell the parents so and why.

I admire your cool, by now they'd be strung up if I got my hands on them. Certainly there is no way I would have any more to do with this family or allow my child/ren to.

I'd be letting other parents know too so that they didn't end up in the same predicament and if the family didn't like that it would be tough, maybe they won't be so horrifyingly irresponsible in future.

susiedaisy · 06/09/2011 20:54

I would be fucking fuming if a friend had done that to my child how irresponsible of those parents

Stase · 06/09/2011 20:58

Do you think she wanted to arrange the second night's sleepover to hide the fact that she had gone to work and left them with relatives? I don't think I'd be happy with any of this, but don't know what 'd do beyond not let DS sleep over under her care again.

verytellytubby · 06/09/2011 21:32

I have a 9 year old and I'd be fucking fuming.

perfectstorm · 06/09/2011 21:38

Her poor child. She's totally irresponsible - and what's more, she openly and repeatedly lied to you ("your son wants to stay another night...") so she sodding well knows it. Absolute waste of space, and no, you are not over-reacting at all.

I'd not end the friendship between the kids but I would make it plain that neglecting someone else's pre-teen and then lying to try to hide the fact is beyond the pale. Which it is.

mummytime · 06/09/2011 21:45

I would never allow my 9 year old to sleepover there again.
Actually I think I would have turned around and taken them home when I heard about the party (and bribed my 9 year old to make it up to them).
This is not someone you can trust.

loopylou6 · 07/09/2011 13:59

She's used your child to babysit her own ds it would seem. I would be beyond fuming I'm afraid...

GypsyMoth · 07/09/2011 14:24

Ah yes, very clever! The old 'have a friend round to keep you company'

camilla2010 · 07/09/2011 15:46

I would act a bit stupid and call her to say in a horrified voice "I thought I better tell you in case you didn't know that your family left the boys in town on their own!" Let her squirm and try to explain her actions and then delete her number.The boys can just play at yours if you can't persuade dear son in another friends direction.

Hullygully · 07/09/2011 15:48

good lord

shocked2 · 07/09/2011 17:37

Same as other posters - I too have a nine year old and I would be furious. About everything: being told at the last minute that they were (supposedly) all going to the relatives' house, that they were left there alone, that they were dumped in town (!) and that she tried to arrange another night . She sounds out of her mind to be honest. Is she a very good friend, is it possible that she thought all of this would be okay with you? I would question my friendship with her as she seems to be on completely different page to you.

Vicky2011 · 07/09/2011 21:19

Appalling. I would be shocked to the core. I agree with PP that she was trying to hide the fact she was working by arranging a second night. Nasty....and the town thing! Ok, they coped as most 9 year olds would in that situation but NO WAY should that have happened without you knowing!

samex2 · 07/09/2011 21:22

appalling totally agree with vicky2011

would never trust her again and keep friendship cool from now on.

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