Condemnation is easy on this one. But what I desperately need help with is support.

[known]

I've been on MN for over 2 years and post every day. But for obvious reasons I want to stay anonymous. I completely agree that I have no right to ban condemnatory comments from this thread, but I can plea. I know what my brother has done is wrong. And I could join in with the best of them at condemning him. So I haven't come here for help with that. I've come here because I love him and want to support him. But I am going to find that incredibly hard. MN has supported me through a really crap year, and I have faith that there are people out there who can support me with this. If you do want to condemn my brother you are welcome - but please start a new thread!

Basically he is being investigated by the police for downloading porn - pre pubescent boys. He was advised by the police not to tell his family, but he has, admits he has a problem and is already receiving counselling. Because of this I believe him when he says that he has never even had the urge to actually do anything - he only looks.

I love him. We are very close. My instinct is to ignore the crime and love my brother. But it is hard to do - especially as I provide his only nieces and nephews. Please please please support me in loving and supporting the person I love - my brother. Let me offload, this is going to be a tough time for the family.

I also want to lend you my support 'Known' I have no experince of this and instinctively am repelled by the idea. but I have a brother and feel I can connect on that level. i don't imagine this is something I will go through with my brother....but then I don't suppose it's something you expected either!! I know the love you have for your brother, my brother is a pain in the ass! lol but had I discovered something like this I would also find it extremely hard to just stop loving and supporting him. despite having had a child myself.
I feel for you so much, as a mother my instinct as I'm sure most others is to say......don't support him, don't trust him with you're children etc. but at the end of the day he's you're brother and there really is no getting away from that...if you're anything like me it will take a hell of a lot to take that away.
I would strongly suggest counselling for you and your family, your brother needs you and is sooo lucky to have such an understanding family. I truly believe that people in his position have the ability to be 'reformed'...but I really believe it takes support, and ongoing support and maybe monitoring...
I wish you all the luck and support that I'm able to send on the internet!!
You are a truly wonderful and exeptionally understanding person, I wish you all the best in what must be a horrendous dilemma.

As ever I am very moved by the support from this website. I don't consider myself to be the type of wonderful sister you describe, but maybe I'll try to accept the complement.

My children are utterly adorable. I will often give them a big cuddle before they get in the bath because I just adore their little bodies. Until this bombshell exploded I could see nothing wrong with that. I had made these wonderful little people, and I still marvel at how my body could have created something so simply gorgeous. I'm sure every parent feels the same. Or rather, I did feel sure. Yesterday I was doing this, and I suddenly started questioning whether it was right to take such delight in your children. Last week it would have been great, self indulgent, but great. This week it seemed questionable. And that hurts.

Oh known that it so sad to hear you say. Just remember to look after yourself throughout this time. And if that means taking a step back from your brother then so be it.

known I have felt exactly as you have. I work in the criminal law field and have experienced cases like this many times. Because of that I sometimes look at myself squeezing my ds2's bottom because it is so adorable and gorgeous and I question whether I should be doing that. It is really sad but understandable. For what it is worth, I think you are doing an amazing job of trying to support your brother without once minimizing what he has done. Thinking of you.

Known, don't let your brothers choices effect your love or your showing love to your children.

You are merely holding them close to keep going that bond that we have with our children. I love to hold my DD when she is naked, fresh from a bath, her skin is so soft. I will not feel bad about this just because of what my brother did. It is my right as a mother to hold her this way & I know I am not doing her any harm.

If you let it affect you, you will stop holding your children all together, imagine their world without you to hold them. Please don't take away this innocent show of love with your children, as you will no longer be able to support your brother, but you will resent for having changed your life so much.

I would like to offer you my support for you and all your loved ones.

When I was a little girl I was sexually abused by my father as were a number of other girls he was aqainted with. This was durimg the 1970's. He had quite a lot of pornagraphic pictures of children. someone had to be abusing them and someone had to be taking the pictures IYKWIM. I fear that there are pictures of me in circulation.
As a "grown up" woman, I realised that I had to report this fact to the police and not protect him (by kidding myself that he only did it to me and that I was of no worth anyway) as I had always done.
I had seen him transporting vulnerable children to and from a special needs school.Then and there I realised that this could still be going on, so I went straight to a local police station

I had had no contact with him in the 10 years befor.I kept myself and my daughter well away.

I know the utter confusion between your feelings of love mixed with horror mixed with fear mixed with love again.

I was instrumental in the proceedings against my father. He was convicted of a string of sexual offences to me and other little girls. He admitted all the offences against me but denied any wrong doings with the other children.

But my point is, I have memories I feel I am denied the right to enjoy. Memories of a "Daddy" who I still love. Memories that I don't want to lose because abuse me is not the only thing he ever did .
I want to remember him mowing the lawn, taking me for a kentucky chicken meal, being really really funny and happy.
He helped so may people , he was so kind to everyone, such a mild mannered man and so so so wrong.

I have had no support from other members of the family exept my brother. Everyone considers that I should have just remained quiet and not put him through being punished. I have been basically forced out of town by my own flesh and blood as they see that he did wrong but not wrong enough to go to prison.
Not one person has ever asked me if I love him, miss him, would like to see him ever again. I don't suppose they would feel that I would be welcome at his funeral.
I know that you can hate someones behaviour but still love them deeply.
Please go ahead and love your brother and be kind on yourself.

we are getting alot of these hisotric cases in court att he moment - once form 1974

of course you must love and support your brother - I, for one, would do the same

I reckon that for his own good he should not get an internet connection without some serious "netnanny" style software on it ever again. The temptation would be too much.

Please do love your brother. Isolating him would be cruel and dangerous besides. But let him know, for his own good, that you will be watching him.

I would like people to know that in my opinion
He was treated very sensitively by the police. At least that is what they told me so that he would co-operate fully with them.
I can not praise enough the way I was dealt with by the police and the crown court.
The truth is I did feel and still do feel so sorry for him!!!! Not because I am stupid and forgetting the gravity of his actions but so sorry that he has this element to his character.

You have my support too, known.

Different circumstances entirely, but someone close to me has in the past been accused of doing something hideous and I have stood by that person. I don't believe that s/he actually did it, but obviously only the two people involved and God actually do know the full facts. But nonetheless it has not been easy.

I wholly admire you for the approach you are taking.

This must be so hard. I've been thinking about this a lot, how I would feel and so on. It's like you discover that the brother you thought you knew so well, is actually a stranger. You must wonder if something happened that set this off, you must be searching your memory for some moment in the past when this happened to him. And yes, it must make you feel differently with your children. Have you left them alone with him in the past? Is this a worry that you have now?

I can only say that I am so very sorry you are going through this hell right now. Your brother seems to realise that he needs help though and he is co-operating fully, he might even help the Police to arrest some of those who distribute this filth! Perhaps one day he will finally be able to leave all of this behind, and when that day comes you will be there for him.

If you need a listening ear, please feel free to CAT me at any time.

Very interesting again CRSEIH. I am very touched that you are thinking about me and my family. I often go swimming with him and my mum and my children. I once sent my son with him into the male changing room because I thought it would be a wonderful experience for my son as he has only ever been in the ladies before! I am confident that nothing would have happened - from what the police said it sounds like my son was in the wrong age range (so repulsive to write this stuff), and it's a communal changing room, and my son talks incessantly and would have said something almost immediately - especially if he'd been told it was a secret. But again, these things just keep going through your mind.

I rang parentline this morning. They answered first ring, and were absolutely wonderful. I know that they would be very helpful for my parents, and they helped me to think through how I can recommend to my parents that they seek some help (not something they will find easy). So we (my brother and I) are now looking for the right opportunity to bring it up.

You know, I'm pretty sure there is an organisation out there that deals with paedophilia, offering counselling to them and their families. I heard about it when I was training to be a Samaritan once (never got round to volunteering though), I'll try and Google it for you. Just not sure what to put into Google, don't want to type in the wrong thing and come face to face with this stuff!

Found this which is an article about why this type of behaviour occurs, although it's a bit biased towards saying the abuser must have been abused.
The only other thing I can find is this which is a support group for men who have been victims of anything from violence to abuse. They might know of someone who can help your brother and your family, and they are UK based.

Don't forget the Samaritans by the way, they are non-judgemental!

How are you known?