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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It's been 2 years now - feeling very angry

43 replies

Orchidlady · 05/09/2011 14:10

Well that's it really, it?s been 2 years since DP and I have had a good physical relationship. DP recently diagnosed with depression (no surprise to me) and after mental breakdown is on a cocktail of drugs. He says he wants to make love but on the odd attempt he tries it is a disaster. Ironically he eventually visited to GP earlier this year after my insistance because of the ED but the depression and breakdown issue just took over. Feel I cannot pressurize now because it might make things work. But I just resent him now, what kind of relationship can survive without physical intimacy. It actually beginning to make my angry, even considers having an affair. He just not seem to want to help himself. When I have tried to speak to him, he says he would not blame me for going off with some else, then that makes me feel like shit. just don't know what to do anymore. We have been together for about 18 years for those who do not know my story and over the years we have had our ups and downs but this now seems like 1 huge donw. Just needing to vent and get some outside perspective I suppose. God it seems such a nightmare to start again. I know many people on here will say why do you need to be in a relationship, find yourself, well this may be true for many people but for me I know what it is like to be single mum and I hate it, just not sure whether muddle on or be brave and move on. Sorry now I sound really sad, not having a good day.

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 05/09/2011 15:48

OP remember he's not a mass murderer you know, he just won't have sex with you. Try to look at him as a whole rather than just this side of him. You may be angry but there's no real point you wasting your energy railing against him when he's the person in charge of his own destiny and he's the person who needs to make sex happen again/or not.

You don't seem to want the option of going it alone but you can't have it all ways. You can either a) give him a time frame for taking steps to improve/resolve things and if he doesn't, suck that up and leave, b) have an affair and see how that works out or c) put up with it and stay with him leaving things the way they are.

You can't force him to change because that has to come from him, but you can instigate change yourself by taking action. Be prepared though, that going from one scenario to a different one may not absolutely guarantee you happiness.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 05/09/2011 15:54

How long has he been on the drugs? Depression can be a massive sex life killer.

I think you should give him a break, he's had depression for a while and has just had a mental breakdown . . . and you're moaning that he can't shag you! Imagine how he feels, what it's like to be in his head and to be going through what he is going through.

I know it must be hard for you as well, I have been in both positions, the depressed one and the partner of the depressed one and it has lead to sex life issues.

The thing that will cause the relationship to fail though is your failure to support him, understand, look after him and help him get better. The lack of sex won't cause it to fail, YOU will.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 05/09/2011 15:56

Also I am assuming you are not married seeing as "in sickness and in health" doesn't seem to apply!

My depression was horrific and my partner was fantastic, if he had left me because of it . . . well.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 05/09/2011 16:48

Wow Hello, that was straight talking. Take on board what you are saying. Just going through a lot with his problems but as as you say he has to sort them out. I have helped as much as I can but up to him try and help himself.Depression is horrible but also trying for families as a whole. He is just not really much of a partner to me anymore and has not been for some time and after a while it really drags you down.

OP posts:

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 05/09/2011 16:57

Yes you are right it does really drag you down. It sounds like he should of got help much earlier but sometimes people don't realise what they problem is, they blame in on other things, unhappy at work for eg.

How long has he been on the pills? My DH had a depressive episode earlier this year and I saw a difference within a couple of weeks of him starting back on the medication. Takes some people longer. It's lovely to have him back, as it was like I was living with a stranger.

Sorry if I was harsh.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 05/09/2011 17:03

WhoseGotMyEyebrows , no we are not married but been together longer than most people I know. The man is an alcoholic, who suffers depression. I pay the bills, do the majority of the house work and have supported him though everything so far. He seems to think he can self medicate and really does not think it is necessary to go to the shrink, despite trying to commit suicide and not properly coping for some time. But you think I should just accept that because he is depressed. "Give him a break" well I am not sure how much more I can take. DP needs to show some strength of character really need to also be able to help himself. tbh before you try to make me out as some selfish demanding sex maniac you should try to get clearer picture of the situation, I actually found your posting quite offensive.

OP posts:

notsorted · 05/09/2011 17:06

Hey, sounds like you could do with some more support for yourself in RL. It is absolutely gruelling dealing with a partner's illness whatever kind it is.
He still sounds massively depressed, wanting you to go because he probably doesn't feel able to cope and knows somewhere he is letting you down.
Sounds obvious but could you just cuddle? Try to get some affection back into your relationship before actual sex. It's become a hurdle for both of you.
Talk here or perhaps on MH board or a depression supporters/carers network.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 05/09/2011 17:14

Thanks notsorted, sounds like you might be talking from experience. We have had lovely holiday recently and we do talk and get on well, but the intimate relationship is an issue , I think it has just gone on for too long. I hope he attends his appointmen but I have a suspicion he will not go. That's pissing me off I supose the he does not care enough about me or DC to atleast try and get better.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 05/09/2011 17:19

Will he be physicially intimate with you even if he can't do the actual deed? There is a lot of scope for him to give kisses, cuddles, massages be affectionate as well as more sexual stuff.

I've been on both sides of the coin, have suffered dreadful depression and now dh is very depressed if the communication and intimacy disappear long term I'm not sure you can get it back. I have had to be blunt with my dh and insist that he puts some effort in otherwise we're not going to make it.

madeupme · 05/09/2011 17:25

Op your first message lead the reader to believe its all about the sex. It comes accross a bit like you are slating a sick man because he has ed. However! Your later post shows that this goes way beyond sex.

I think if you started a new thread about how your dp is depressed, refuses to get therapy, refuses to talk about or instigate any coping strategies, is self medicating and rejecting intamacy with you you will get a much more sympathetic response.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 05/09/2011 17:27

He certainly cannot do the deed as you put, not sure whether this now physical or psychological, hard to know now, excuse the pun. I was hoping he would be getting therapy by now, he has so many issues. But now talking about not going, he is so in denial. Does anyone know if taking AD's kills a sex drive?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 05/09/2011 17:29

Yes it can.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 05/09/2011 17:30

Made, I know I am having a bad day. You know when sometimes things get too much. I have spent so much energy into making things better but he just not accepting help, he seems to want to brush everything that has offered under the carpet.

OP posts:

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 05/09/2011 17:31

I am sorry that you found it offensive but you left huge amounts of vital information out of your OP. I'm not a mind reader.

Original poster

Orchidlady · 05/09/2011 17:36

Sorry WhoseGotMyEyebrows, I know as I have just said, having a bit of a rant really. You know the most ironic thing is I am "moaning about the sex" as you so kindly put it but tbh I am not I even sure want it from him anymore. Please don't flame me, really I have been through hell and back with him and so supportive, I think most people would have run for the hills. I feel emotionally trapped.

OP posts:

7to25 · 05/09/2011 17:53

I do not usually post in relationships.
The problems you describe can be a side effect of ADs but more likely are a side effect of his alcoholism. I hope I read a previous post correctly. if he has liver damage that can affect his hormonal balance and also nerve damage can cause impotence. I doubt that he can "do something about it" in any practical sense. you need more information about his medical condition.
Alcohol itself can cause depression or make it worse.

meetzemonsta · 05/09/2011 18:11

Hi - on your question about ADs causing sex problems. In my experience definitely yes. When I was on Prozac for a few months, I completely lost my sex drive, as if someone had flicked a switch in my head. Just wasn't interested. Depression is bad for sex drive, drugs (for me) killed it completely, in the mental sense of being 'in the mood'. Prozac is actually used to treat premature ejactulation so it has an effect on the physical workings also, shall we say. It's harder to get harder, you are less sensitive, it all takes longer etc... I should perhaps declare that I am a man...

madeupme · 05/09/2011 18:16

You say that you dont want to be a single mum but would it really be as bad as what you are going through now?

When my dh was depressed and refused all help I had to leave. I figured I couldnt carry on for an eternity like that as I cared too much to see him do it to himself, and I cared too much for my own mental health to quietly go down with him.

As it went a couple ofmonths into our break up dh took, at least some, of the offered help. Losing me, our life and our future was the kick up the bum he needed. I am very lucky my story ends well, but I did not bank on it. When I broke it off I meant every word and I was fully prepared to follow it through. Empty threats are meaningless.

You need to figure out what you want. Life as it is or life as a single mum. You cannot control him or what he does you can only control what you do.

Helltotheno · 05/09/2011 18:24

Orchidlady sorry if I was too harsh there ... hopefully you and your dh will come to a solution that works for you both.

TheOriginalFAB · 05/09/2011 18:47

I feel really sorry for both of you. It seems that your DP is happy with things the way they are so probably doesn't see the need to do anything to change things. You need to ask him if he really is happy with the way things are and if he says no, then talk together about what you both need to do to improve things. If he says yes, then you need to tell him you are not and X is what you want and Y is what he needs to do to achieve it. Only you can decide where you go from here if ie isn't willing or able to change things.

DH and I have had issues in the bedroom and I haven't always been as nice about it as I could be but once I saw that DH wasn't happy and was willing to try and get things back to how they were, I have been able to step back. TBH there are more important things than what goes on in the bedroom but everyone is different and there is nothing wrong with wanting sex with your partner.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 05/09/2011 19:07

madeupme I had to do that as well. Got as far as telling him that I couldn't live with him anymore and he agreed to try meds. Helped so fast!

Orchidlady How long has he been depressed and how long has he been an alcoholic? What a nightmare and complicated situation. Have you ever tried being really, really tough with him and telling him that he HAS to get help for your relationship to continue? In my experience meds have a massive affect on sex drive and ability to finish the act.

crazyhead · 05/09/2011 20:33

Orchidlady do you have a clear sense any more of what you are actually getting out of this relationship? Every relationship has its ups and downs and we all have times that we support our partner more than others, but in relationships that work, I think that overall, you should really still have a clear sense that you are getting SOME of your needs met. To be honest, the sex thing sounds like the tip of the iceberg.

I have been in a relationship with someone who was ill for a very long time (different situation though). It isn't a question of 'fault' necessarily, but if you are in the role of caring for someone, you just lose track of what your own needs are IME.

Regardless of whether he'd change, maybe talking to a counsellor would give you a sense of what you want, regardless of what happens. You've got no control of when or whether he'll decide to take meds/stop drinking, but you could perhaps work out what your own bottom line is with this

WibblyBibble · 05/09/2011 21:49

Look, ffs, depression is an illness. You can't make yourself better just by 'trying harder' any more than someone can cure themselves of diabetes by 'trying harder' or get over the flu in one day by 'positive thinking'. He's ill, he can't cure it because he's not a medical professional. If he's taking meds as instructed, and attending any therapy he's been prescribed, then that's him trying. I know it is very hard for people who've never had mental health problems to understand, but keep reminding yourself that it's an illness, not a choice or a personality failing or anything like that.

Eurostar · 06/09/2011 02:14

You say he is on a cocktail of drugs - many medications and particulary anti depressants of the SSRI kind reduce libido and lead to difficulty with orgasm.

From the NHS website:

Very common side effects (SSRIs)

More than one person in 10 may experience the following:

nausea (feeling sick)
low sex drive, lack of orgasm and (in men) abnormal erection or ejaculation

butterflybee · 06/09/2011 06:37

Have you considered Al Anon - support groups for people who have been affected by someone else's drinking? There's a whole culture / language to them that some people find off putting but you would meet other people in a simlar situation and be able to focus on what you can change.

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