It's been 2 years now - feeling very angry

[Orchidlady]

Well that's it really, it?s been 2 years since DP and I have had a good physical relationship. DP recently diagnosed with depression (no surprise to me) and after mental breakdown is on a cocktail of drugs. He says he wants to make love but on the odd attempt he tries it is a disaster. Ironically he eventually visited to GP earlier this year after my insistance because of the ED but the depression and breakdown issue just took over. Feel I cannot pressurize now because it might make things work. But I just resent him now, what kind of relationship can survive without physical intimacy. It actually beginning to make my angry, even considers having an affair. He just not seem to want to help himself. When I have tried to speak to him, he says he would not blame me for going off with some else, then that makes me feel like shit. just don't know what to do anymore. We have been together for about 18 years for those who do not know my story and over the years we have had our ups and downs but this now seems like 1 huge donw. Just needing to vent and get some outside perspective I suppose. God it seems such a nightmare to start again. I know many people on here will say why do you need to be in a relationship, find yourself, well this may be true for many people but for me I know what it is like to be single mum and I hate it, just not sure whether muddle on or be brave and move on. Sorry now I sound really sad, not having a good day.

Wibbly, you seem to be missing the point, I am not stupid I fully understand that depression is an illness, I fought tooth and nail for him to see the GP, the CMT, I had convinced that it was and illness and not his fault. BUT unless he continues the meds and NOT downing a couple of bottle of Wine and more with them ( which he knows is counting against him) ~AND goes to therapy, then I feel he is not trying to help himself, he does have choices. Oh and blaming me for his lack of performance, I have never made a big issue about with him, as I think that would serve no purpose. If you had read my posts you would see that he is not doing these things that is why I am pissed off. ffs

Butter, thanks for the suggestion but that really is not my kind of thing, also live in a very rural area where there is little help with things like this. Though have to say out CMT were absolutely amazing with dp, but they are busy enough without trying to help people like me.

What are CMT?

I know you said to Butter that the support group isn't your sort of thing but you never know unless you try. I would never have thought that anything like that would be my sort of thing either but it saved my life in a lot of ways. You can learn to make it your sort of thing if you want. I also sort of think that if you're expecting him to attend the help he is getting it is a bit silly to dismiss any help for yourself. Yes the problem is his not yours but can you see how hypercritical that might appear?

Also you might find that as the meds start working he will turn to alcohol less.

Sorry meant CMHT, having typo problems.. Of course the meds would work better if he stopped drinking but that is only something only he can control. Listen I have been through therapy and have been very open about Mental Health I have had in the past, we have always been open with each other, (well so I thought until more recently.) We still need to get to the bottom of what the problem is I suspect far more then just depression ( sorry don't mean to belittle that) I really hope he goes to see the Phych, whether we stay together or not, he needs to do this for himself.

it's ben a while and he hasnt taken control has he?
are you happy to take an occasional "nice holiday" and live with the rest?
i left my ex and it hasnt been enough to make him take responsibility - 3.5 years on he is the same. not even for his own DC .

it is about you now really not him - what do you want?

you've been around for him
you have tried

you can stay with him for his good points or not.
you do have a choice.

if he isnt beeing serious about taking meds, cutting the alcohol - then nothing will change.

you can agree with yourself (not with him - with you, yourself) to stay because you getting something out of it - or you can leave.
it is as simple as that.

you have tried to support him.
you have done the "in sickness and in health" thing.

but he isnt playing his part - if there are things he could do eg take responsibility for his meds/alcohol etc - and he isnt doing so - after so many months - then you would be morally right to say that's it - enough...

leave.
stay amicable if you like, you dont have to completely abandon him.

but take charge of your own life.

Hello Cest, nice to hear from you. You are right right right!!! BUT why do I feel so unsure about what to do. I am actually becoming a bitch, am grumpy and snappy, just feel like punching him. He actually reordered meds yesterday and does seem more calm and more in control but I am convinced that there is more than just depression going. Maybe I am having a med life crisis and thinking, is this it, do I deserve more, could I do better( am I allowed to have a mid life crisis, or is that just for blokes)?

Do you mean "more going on then depression" in terms of what might have caused it and his drinking? It does sound like he's desperately trying to numb something or keep something under the carpet.

My DHs depression is caused by low seretonine levels but also low self esteem resulting from childhood issues. It can be very complex can't it. He's never turned to drink but did used to do a lot of drugs so perhaps that was something to do with it.

Yes "more going on then depression", when he is having an episode he hears voices that tell him to do bad things to himself. Like recently when he deeply slashed his arm with a knife because the reflecation in the window told him to do it. This has really freaked me out. Still waiting for the Phsch appointment.

Sorry about the typos

Jesus! If he's hearing voices . . . sorry not sure what to say, but that is very serious! How long has he been hearing voices? How long did he refuse help for?

orchid ahve you seen a counsellor yourself lately?
would be worth a couple sessions to talk thru all the issues and options and with so much going on

your last msg is worrying tho - self harm can (not always and often is very much self oriented) lead to harm to others - the voices thing would be of extreme concern. watch out for reax to meds. some can heighten psychosis - some can reduce it?

my exP was self harming but at some point lashed out at DS - later on at me, more recently dd - something to research/ask psych about? urgently!!

and keep your plans /thoughts/questions about leaving or not to yourself - (and your own counsellor) until you can actually do it safely and get away.

those voices may tell him to do something to keep you/harm you....

it is so easy to normalise what is very not normal behaviour when you liviing with it.

hearing voices etc - oh well another symptom of his depression etccetc - but it aint normal. talk to someone. today.

He told the CMHT about the voices and seeing things, this only seems to happen when he has been drinking heavily. Before we went on holiday an appointment came through for the psych but had to be rearranged, last time I asked him he said it was not needed. This is also a major problem the contradicting himself. I will make him go. Hearing voices thing has been going on for a few months ( I think, you just don't know what is the truth). I want dp to have the therapy and settle with the meds, then I can decide whether I want to make a go of things, maybe we could go the relate once he is settled. Most of the time I am strong but have odd lapse, hence writing on here I supose. Yes the voices are very worrying, has caused him to self harm and attempt suicide, but for some reason the arm slashing thing has really really got to me.

Crossed posted Cest, yes you are right about the normalising thing, I know this is not right, I expect any reading this would think I am a bit mental

see i am speaking from my own expereince but my exP had lomng term depresison tehn a significant breakdown adn since then he really hasnt "recovered" other than some kinda manic type periods. he would also soeimtes say he "doesnt need a psychiatrist". denial is aprt of teh game.

someone with this kind of long term MH issue - exacerbated in your H case by drink - well - it aint gonna go away really. not without long term help. and him taking control of it.

there may be moments/nice holidays/months even but it will always be there....

if he's been "off" for two years - then it gonna take as long as that to recover?? if there was no single incident which triggered it (like a PND type thing) and it goes back further into his childhood etc - then full recovery is gonna be long way off. if ever. what is his "normal" state? is this jsut intensified verus his normal state - or is he someone who is completely different when not in throes of a MH episode? can you have a MH episode lasting two years ? is it really related to drink? or?? is he ever really going to get "better" and what will that look like?

my exP was always odd really - OCD stuff, always complaining, i was always doing everything for the DC for him etc.....even when happy was never happy for long etc.

i was always waiting for the other foot to drop and for the moods to start - but they intensified in intensity from 2005

Wibblybibble you are spot on.... i'm depressed at moment and have been for 5 years since having a baby. I've been on SSRI's since I first realised I was depressed and have had a daily struggle to keep myself going. I too used to think that depressed people needed a kick up the bum or to pull themselves together, but now having been through it it's kind of like a fog where everything takes forever to do, you never seem to achieve anything, everything you do seems to get cocked up and you really feel like most people would be better off without you. The daily struggle means that it doesn't occur to you what others around you are dealing with and when it does it makes you feel even more of a burden... I HATE feeling the way I do. But on top of all that the depression made me lose my sex drive and whatever remenants of passion and romance there were got evaporated by escitalopram.... I desperately want to have a physical relationship again, I used to love it and I know it's a big deal for my DH but i'm a bit stuck about how to get it back. Doctors don't really have an answer and I've tried every logical thing with no avail.... don't want my marriage to end but don't know what else to do... :o(