I don't like my mum

[tallulah35]

Hi

Not been on here for a while, so bear with me, I just need some impartial advice on my mother's behaviour. I am an only child, I'm now 40 and live with my DH and DS. My mum has always been a meddlesome and controlling, she is also very generous, with her time looking after my DS and also with money and gifts which means that when I want to correct her for intefering, I feel guilty immediately for being ungrateful. This pattern has been going on for years and caused huge problems in my previous marraige. All of the things she does drive me nuts, she moves things in my house (pictures etc), critices me if the house isn't perfect, undermines me in front of my DS, gives me 'advice' when its not required and carries out all of the irritating qualities of a perfectly good mother. The problem is now she's got a bit older its now delving into the depths of becoming slightly odd. She recently told my MIL about a recent affair in my MILs family that my MIL didn't know about, she did it in a 'I'm so sorry to hear about' way, but it was none of her business which I found really embarrasing. She constantly puts her friends down and is quite bitchy, she never seems to have a good word to say about anyone and has become obsessed about what's going on in her life, she goes on and on and on. She even told my dad that she thought my DHs best friend was a waste of space, which I found very hurtful and is completely untrue, although my dad should also never had said anything to me. The problem is I want her to stop intefering in my life, stop moving things, know when its appropriate to bring certain subjects up etc etc, its like I want her to behave like a normal human being instead of this bizarre mumzilla. The thing is I know if I bring this up she will get all upset and worried as she can't see her own behaviour at all and I will get one of her 'letters' groan. I think I'm upset because I realise that my relationship with her will never as good as it could be, because she simply doesn't have the fundamental qualities that I actually like in a person..god I feel guilty for even writing that. What do you do when you simply don't like your mother?

Hi. You grit your teeth, try to accept her for what she is, live as far away from her as possible, and accept also that you will never ever change her in a million years. In fact, IME, she will get worse and worse as she gets older and those little foibles(yeah right!) of her youth/middle age/early old age will become annoyingly predictable.

I wasted a lot of energy trying to make my mother "see" my point of view. LOL what an idiot I was! (Still am, sometimes with her!).

Don't feel guilty about not liking her. I can't bear mine most of the time. Best thing you can do is try and rub along and let it wash over you. That's it!

Oh, and I see obviously that you're not as lucky as me(250 miles away from mine)...Can you limit the contact with your family-I mean can you get help from elsewhere and maybe subtly cut down the time she spends with you and your family?

she collects my DS from school on a monday, it used to be monday and tuesday and she wanted to stay over, but my DH put his foot down. We only live 30 minutes away, which means its constant. She calls constantly, we have a 3 ring for emergencies rule that she uses just to get me to answer my landline (we don't answer it because 99% of the time its her) she takes over everything. I bumped my car recently and she went to a scrap yard to see if she could get me a backlight (I didn't ask her to do this and told her my car was too young to get parts in a scrappy) she went, found out what I was saying was true and then proceeded to phone every scrap yard in the west of scotland looking for the part. She called me at the office, where I am too busy to talk to her and told me to get a pen, when I said I was too busy she sounded hurt and said 'but I've got you the number of a place that sells parts at cost' - the thing was we went onto the internet the night before and found the exact same place, without her help. I sound ungrateful, but she is giving me help that I don't ask for and don't need. So when I actually do need help, I never ask her because she seems to do so much for me? God its so hard to explain. Its constant, she feels it appropriate to tell me if she thinks my teeth need brushed, or my breath smells or I look fat in something (I am a size 12 and am very well groomed) its just as if she thinks that she knows best and only the things she comes up with are right. Everyone else is a fool.
Its a royal pain, why should I be grateful for her doing things for me that I don't want her to do? I love my dad to bits, but he can't control her, he tries but she doesn't listen to him either. She even moves ornaments in the house, she shifted a table from one room to the other because she thought it looked better in the other room. am at my wits end.

Sorry if this is an obvious question but have you actually stood up to her? Have you said "Please stop moving my things around, they are there because I like them there" or pulled her up when she says something inappropriate?

Blimey, that is bad...Is she ill do you think? I mean, has this constant interference got worse over say the last year or two? And what would happen if you put your foot down further-would she flounce off in a huff etc? -You might have to give it a go for the sake of your sanity, or it's going to drive you mad. Has your mum got siblings? Can they/have they talked to her? Or would your husband be the "bad cop" to your good cop and tell her to butt out a bit more?

The moving furniture thing is either incredibly controlling or something's not quite right with her (in my non-medical-and-therefore-probably-useless opinion. A bit compulsive? Obsessive? Anyway, you've got to find ways to detach from her, she sounds exhausting!

I have, but it seems to go over her head, she apologises and then seems to forget? The reason I am so upset about everything is because she honestly thinks she is helping, so when I get annoyed she just sees it as me being 'over sensitive' or 'under pressure at work' she doesn't actually see that the problem is her! Its so frustrating. She is a kind person, don't get me wrong, its her way of showing her love I think. She is just so unbelievably blunt and she seems to be proud of it, as if its everyone elses problem, on top of that she has started being incredibly pompous. The last time I saw her was Friday when we were at a golden wedding (of her friends) all she talked about all night was her forthcoming golden wedding, to anyone that would listen. Sorry I'm rambling now. Do you think she is maybe insecure in herself? Do you think she maybe needs to feel like she still has some kind of relevance?

Actually stuff that, I'm not going to try and work out why she is doing what she is doing, I'm just going to have to work out a strategy to cope with her, which I think you are right, involves distance. Its just hard because the more distance I try to put there, the closer she wants to be. I will try and talk to her in a fortnight, she is going on holiday tomorrow and I'm still raging about the MIL situation (very embarrassing) so dealing with it now is probably pointless. We are due down there on the 17th for an overnighter, which will be fine, because its at her house, I'll see if I can bring it up then, if I don't we are heading for a HUGE blow out, which I don't want to happen because she is 74 and I don't want to wake up one morning and she has died and wish I hadn't tried harder

Actually stuff that, I'm not going to try and work out why she is doing what she is doing, I'm just going to have to work out a strategy to cope with her

I've finally realised that my mother can't tell the difference between herself and me. That's not literally true, of course, but she's got a huge mental block when it comes to perceiving me as the woman I am - I'm an extension of her. Same with my sister.

Since I can't change that, I set some boundaries very firmly. I felt rubbish doing it; it took about four months, with sterling support from the Stately Homes thread here and a therapist. I sent her away when she popped round unannounced, rejected crap gifts, and will not leave her alone in my house. That last part's tricky if you're relying on her to babysit. Any chance of finding a replacement?

Tell her to move your stuff back, as if she were a child. Stand over her (don't help!) or go to the kitchen and say you want to see everything in its proper place when you've finished your tea.

I get on with mine okay now, though I still have to keep her in check. Emotionally, she's a six-year-old and I treat her as such. (I gave her a 'princess' party for her birthday, only leaving out the sparkly crown - she loved it!!)

Aha, cross-posted

Oh, another thing: I don't tell mum anything about myself. I give her absolutely nothing to pass on, re-script or gossip with. I know she'll make stuff up anyway, but I'm not giving her the kernels of truth. I deflect her - answer her questions non-committally, then immediately ask something about her favourite topic (herself) or village gossip.

If she got the affair story from you, that looks like an essential strategy!

Thank you so much all and I will definately not tell her anything from now on. Do you think I should pull her up about it though? I know she would just worry, worry, worry and probably phone my MIL which will probably protract the situation, but I feel she needs to know what she did wrong? In terms of babysitting probably not, she would also be really upset and not seeing him, he is 10 and is her world, although smartly he has already worked out she is a loon..smart kid :o)

Nope! Just change your interactions, as of now. If MIL needs an apology, best it comes from you with, perhaps, a strong hint about the dangers of gossip + your mother!

Smart kid indeed You've done well!!

Hi - no wise words of wisdom to add, just to say my Mum's the same and I sympathise.

I've just had the most hideous row with my mum because she was horrid to my daughter for getting a B in French GCSE. I am now a monster and she's getting heart pains.

She also lies about really silly small stuff. Eg, you'll go to the cinema with her and she'll pretend that she hasn't seen the film, when she already has. Really weird.

It makes me sad though, becasue I realsie that i've never had a conversation with her when she's actually listened to anything I've said. She doesn't know me at all.

That sounds exactly like mine and it is upsetting to realise that they don't know you at all. I'm sure her chest pains will pass, as will anything else she flings at you! Well done to your dd for her B that's fantastic! I don't get it, I think the control is placed well, but it comes across as undermining your decisions - she undermines me all the time, with everything and questions everything to the point that I have turned out fairly insecure as a person and very indecisive around everything but business. My mum says she doesn't know where I got it from and that makes my blood boil. She is forever telling the story of me dropping out of uni to shock of shocks get a job, what she doesn't tell people is that I went back when my DS was one and finished my degree! Always the put downs and then she says she is proud. I think she is a very complex person and to be honest distance is the only thing.

In my experience most women have issues, often deep, serious issues, with their mother. Mine is nice though. So i haven't got any helpful advice, sorry - just that I note it is so common, and i don't know why.

OH MY GOD DO YOU ALL HAVE THE SAME MOTHER AS ME!?!

The 'letters' - double groan!

Feeling your pain. So much.

As I said on another thread earlier - disengage, set boundaries, stick to them, talk to your dh and other friends to vent your anger and upset but not to her, keep her at arm's length. It is hard but it is the only way. And I can guarantee you you can have her very much in your and your dc's lives - you don't need to cut her out. You just do that secretly in your head.

And whenever I tell her something about my life I regret it. She'll either put it on Facebook, email or text me constantly about it, ask to discuss it/come and see it/give me advice...depending on what 'it' is. And I don't mean huge confidences, I mean like having a minor altercation with a neighbour or deciding to buy an expensive handbag or something!

Can you get caller ID? Or let all your calls go straight to answerphone after 2 rings, and only pick up if you want to?

You say you're going to talk to her - what about? It doesn't seem the kind of thing that you can discuss. What are you going to say that won't turn into a row or her putting a guilt trip on you? She isn't going to listen to what you say and then change her behaviour, is she? She'll just think you're being a cow.

I think you need to pull her up on each individual thing as it happens, very briefly. Have a set phrase you use when her behaviour is inappropriate and use it every time, like a stuck record. "That's not an appropriate thing to say to an adult" or "that's not the right way to behave in another person's home". Just say it deadpan and then change the subject.

You could also try "That was rude^! Did you mean to be rude?"

And as GN says, very firm boundaries!

my sympathies to you, at least my mum is enough of a luddite to not know how facebook works, god knows what would happen if she did!

I should add that when my previous marraige broke down due to my ex having a 2 year affair when our DS was born, my mum told EVERYONE, I even caught her telling the woman at the post office who she didn't even know. It was like it was happening to her, not me, there's that lack of seperation again. She felt she had the right to tell people, when actually she had no business, but I was too out of it to pull her up, I needed her and actually she was very good. But the control became immeasurable, she even asked all my friends for their phone numbers in case of 'emergencies'. I would go out on dates and come home late and their would be 20 ansa phone messages ranging from quite calm to hysterical...thankfully I am not married again but my dh has limited patience

sorry that should have read 'am married again'

Everyone has issues, Vixaxn, and everyone (not just women) has some sort of issue with their parents. It's so common because it's human.

Some parents, though, have issues that take over their thoughts and behaviour and prevent them from being adequate parents. They are so consumed by their issues that they are also unable (unwilling) to hear or understand how their behaviour affects others -- most painfully how it affects their children, who are bonded to them.

Those children's only chance of not being wounded over and over again by the people who are meant to protect them and love them unconditionally is to disconnect from them -- emotionally, or even by ending any contact.

It's not a step anyone can take lightly because we all want our parents' love so very much.

Daisy, I completely understand the feeling of never having been heard when you speak, as I get the same thing from both my parents. To this day I am still shocked when anyone reacts to something I have said, because the concept of being heard is one I did not grow up with.

I've had to put in very firm boundaries with my mum too; she can be very hard work!

She is very bitchy towards other women, especially towards mothers
I refuse to engage in her bitching sessions, and will tell her she is being unfriendly and/or unkind. I do this as neutrally as possible, and say that I do not feel comfortable criticising other women in that way. She has gotten better, in my company at least.

She is very quick to criticise me, and treats me as if I am inadequate. She will point things out as if I just do not see anything regarding my DS "He looks thirsty, make him drink"; he's a teenager and does need a prompting at times, and gets prompted by me.... "He needs new shoes, why haven't you bought him some?" they still fit, and I will replace them when they need replacing.... "He spends far too much time on his games console" he's avoiding you mother dearest... "He looks very tired, he will need an early night" if anyone knows that my son looks tired, i do. So boring! whatever she feels the need to point out to me, i just say that i already know.

My mum does not do me many favours, which is ok! She did babysit DS a few months ago, and was a bit out of order. She phoned me the next day to say that she had been waiting for me to call her, I suggested if she wants a chat she can call me anytime. She wondered when I would be collected DS; I reminded her that I had given DS a bus fare as I had been on a hen night the previous evening and had not wanted to drive too early. She was absolutely shocked at this idea, but he is a teenager and can survive a bus journey!

Rant over :) It sounds as if your mum came from the same martyr tree as mine though passive aggressive martyrdom....

It'sMeAndMyPuppyNow - I've been around enough relationship boards with men and women discussing all sorts of issues. I've not seen many posts about a man or a woman having issues with their father, or a son having trouble with his mother. I've seen countless ones from women having issues with their mother. just saying what I've seen.

Oh my god ItsMe, your last sentence strikes a chord!!! Just this morning I said to my Mother that I wished she'd stop treating me like I was 12 and BLOODY LISTEN!!! I rarely have a go these days(see above!!)but I talked loudly over her and said FGS Mother, I am a professional woman of 43 with 2 children to bring up!!! -She actually shut up for two seconds, then changed the subject.....YAY GO ME!!! (sorry brief hijack).

Distance and more distance tallulah! Bloody difficult though.