I don't like my mum

[tallulah35]

Hi

Not been on here for a while, so bear with me, I just need some impartial advice on my mother's behaviour. I am an only child, I'm now 40 and live with my DH and DS. My mum has always been a meddlesome and controlling, she is also very generous, with her time looking after my DS and also with money and gifts which means that when I want to correct her for intefering, I feel guilty immediately for being ungrateful. This pattern has been going on for years and caused huge problems in my previous marraige. All of the things she does drive me nuts, she moves things in my house (pictures etc), critices me if the house isn't perfect, undermines me in front of my DS, gives me 'advice' when its not required and carries out all of the irritating qualities of a perfectly good mother. The problem is now she's got a bit older its now delving into the depths of becoming slightly odd. She recently told my MIL about a recent affair in my MILs family that my MIL didn't know about, she did it in a 'I'm so sorry to hear about' way, but it was none of her business which I found really embarrasing. She constantly puts her friends down and is quite bitchy, she never seems to have a good word to say about anyone and has become obsessed about what's going on in her life, she goes on and on and on. She even told my dad that she thought my DHs best friend was a waste of space, which I found very hurtful and is completely untrue, although my dad should also never had said anything to me. The problem is I want her to stop intefering in my life, stop moving things, know when its appropriate to bring certain subjects up etc etc, its like I want her to behave like a normal human being instead of this bizarre mumzilla. The thing is I know if I bring this up she will get all upset and worried as she can't see her own behaviour at all and I will get one of her 'letters' groan. I think I'm upset because I realise that my relationship with her will never as good as it could be, because she simply doesn't have the fundamental qualities that I actually like in a person..god I feel guilty for even writing that. What do you do when you simply don't like your mother?

Maristella, I sympathise completely - its as if they still see us a child and therefore cannot possibly be able to cope with having a child of our own. I have a very senior job in a large company, I work full time, manage my (fairly clean but always tidy house) cook, bake, spend time with both my Dh and my DS independantly and time with my girlfriends and pay and manage all the household bills - I manage more than she ever had to manage and yet she feels the need to criticise. I wonder if it is actually her sense of not being needed by me that makes her so controlling of the the areas of expertise she has - which amount to ironing, flower arranging, polishing and apparantly what to feed my child :o]

GOOD FOR YOU PeppermintPasty you shall be my inspiration!

Wow I can't believe how similar all of your experiences are to mine. So many things ringing bells. It's soooo hard.

Disengage, disengage, disengage - distance and more distance..

Rocks back and forth repeating this mantra to self

Maybe we should start a support thread!

AND at the age of 41 I have just had a revelation.

I thought I was done with revelations about my parents.

The reason I spend all my time at social events asking about everyone else's life and never speaking about myself...is because I wasn't listened to at home. I assume people won't be interested.

Gosh.

Hi everyone,

I have a golden tip given to me by a wise counsellor, if you want to get some mental distance form your mother. I use it and it works...

...don't call her Mum any more. Use her name or Grandma, Granny etc anything, but not the word Mum ! I did it gradually and she's never noticed or commented on it.

Probably because she never listens to anything I say. It was only after I became a Mother myself I realised how odd my Mother was not to love or care for me at all really !!

She just is not bothered ! weird but sad because she is not a happy woman. I think my case is quite a bad one. But it is so much betterr for me now. In my mind she is not my Mum but an auntie or granny in my family. I care about her a little. But no longer is it one way, where I used to desperately want her attention, love, anything. I tried everything but she just critisised me and ignored my views, my feelings. But she avidly told me gossip and every article from Daily Mail !!

Its Sad she doesn't know her own daughter at all, but she's now 80, and I worked out with counsellor she is never gonna change.
She shows no love to anyone. Doesn't like grand kids much.
She was not bothered when I had my totally beautiful amazing twin babies. She was just polite, barely. My Neightbour was more caring and excited to see them.

Makes me more determined to be loving caring and listening to my own kids not to end up like her at all.

I still see her- she is the kids granny and she is tolerable with firm boundaries and small doses !

Vixaxn ... I had massive issues with my father if that helps.....

Maybe we should start a support thread!

There is one, and it's here!

Vixaxn FWIW I have problems with my dad (and mum to a lesser extent), and my brother has problems with my mum (and dad to a lesser extent), and my sister has problems with mum, but not dad.

sounds so toxic.

Garlicnutter - being an extension of your parents: snap! My dad for years used to call me 'daughter' and not use my real name, whilst hugging me and not letting me stand apart from him (as well as many other controlling things said). Saying that though, he never listened to anything I said. Mum and Dad don't know me at all either.

(Just realised I am talking about my father in the past tense, even though he is still alive...I think I have actually mentally cut him out! Weird)

OP she sounds toxic. You have every reason to not like her. Probably (as it sounds like you've already worked out) the best strategy is firm boundaries and getting some distance.

Good luck. Post on the Stately Homes thread too if you like.

x post

TwoCotBeds - yep, snap re your mum.

(Sorry I did a little hijack myself there)

Omg, so glad I'm not alone. Feels as though most of my friends have mums I wish I had! I have been tormented by the behaviour of both my parents. I received counselling and have been on anti-depressants over the last 20 years over issues with my dad which had come to a stable and workable situation (until recently). My mother now who I have tolerated since I "grew up" has now been the centre of a lot of my anxiety. She is very similar to the mums that have been described - kind and caring but blunt, inappropriate, opinionated and pretends to listen (to name a few).

A few months ago I lost the plot with her because I'd had enough of her moaning and complaining about things unnecessary and basically spoiling an otherwise happy family get together. ( she lives miles away and we visit each other 2/3 year - thank god). She basically wouldnt discipline my son because she doesn't want to be the bad granny but says horrible things about him because he won't do what he's told. Can't have it both ways i said and my ds even tells her to be more strict! But she won't listen. I really lost my temper, which i now regret but she now thinks im a monster etc etc. She seems to prefer to be criticising and playing the victim. She has played the victim most of her life mostly from last marriage with my dad. She has been married to a wonderful man for over 20 years but won't let go of past.

Anyway, many things were said and I ended up blurting out things I'd bottled up like when she told me she wished she'd had an abortion when pregnant with me and how much it hurt. She retorted that it wasn't meant to be taken that way and that I should be adult enough to understand a young woman's pregnant situation. Once the storm settled, we both had tears and she finally apologised. I also apologised. Things seemed ok although there was still a little tension. She was still discussing issues surrounding my dc with my brother (who was also staying) and he gratefully took my side.

When my mother returned home I sent her a Mother's Day card and asked if she was ok but in return I got a nasty letter saying I was as bad as my dad treating her so badly and basically retracted her apology. Reading it was like a stab in the back.

The story goes on and we're now not speaking. However, my little sister who only heard from my mum, decided to not speak to me either (which was no surprise and is another story) and then bitched to my dad about it. My dad is now emotionally black mailing me to make up with my mum otherwise he doesn't want to see me either! I tried to explain that him and I have a good relationship and my mum and I will sort it out in our own time but doesn't understand that.

My brother and friends are the only ones keeping me sane. I am a single mum and what worries me is that I am taking out all this angst on my children and have a very short fuse all the time.

I have been thinking of writing a letter to my mum and I want to tell her all the things I feel but don't think that will help. I'm so tired and emotional. Deep down I wish I could cut them out my life!

I would like to go back to counselling but I work full time.

Any advice gratefully received. I know this thread is old but hope someone has the time to read my war and peace.......x

2/3 times a year

I find these threads so comforting in a weird way. And so many good ideas for coping when you mother is 'some colour of disordered' - i love that.

I am no longer depressed (i think my mother was at the root of it all), but furious with her on a fairly regular basis. This feels better in a way, more honest, but one problem i have is where to 'put' the anger so it's not just spinning around in my head the whole time. It's not fair to dump it on DH, there's nothing he can do, and it spoils time with my DS and distracts me from enjoying the present and the life i have made for myself separate from her.

anyway one thing that was suggested to me a long time ago on here was to write a letter to her saying everything i wanted to say and then binning it. and it works! i write it, re-read it, maybe add a few more things, fume for a bit then rip it up and put it straight in the outside recycling bin. it's very cathartic.

so tallulah while you do everything else that's been suggested (and accepting that at her age she will not change is probably the hardest for me) there is something else that may or may not help you, but is worth having up you sleeve if you need it.

I know I'm not Tallulah but that makes sense to me - I can write that letter but not have to bear the brunt of it from her receiving it!

I'll try that - many thanks.

I would like to be on speaking terms at least though as it isn't fair on my dc as they would normally be visiting. Some say time is a great healer but others say it's a waste of time. I'm just so reluctant to get in touch as I prefer to avoid the emotional stress having so much of it in the past. My life here with other family and friends is so stress free!