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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

unplanned pregnancy and his abortion request

32 replies

loneraider · 03/09/2011 17:20

Hi, this is my first time posting and I'm finding it a little difficult as I am not really one to talk about my problems, but if I don't I think I might just drive my crazy.

Anyways, We have been married for 10 years, we have 2 beautiful boys and recently I have found out I am pregnant with our third child. It was not planned and he is dead set on getting a termination. I am about 10 weeks now and I just cannot go ahead with his decision, it would destroy me.

I have tried to make him understand how I feel but it seems to be falling on deaf ears. He says I am being selfish and just thinking about myself and not the impact it will have on our family. Maybe he's right I don't know anymore, but I know I would be able to go on living if I got rid of this baby.

Any help would be grateful, just feel so alone at the moment. Thanks.

OP posts:

SecretCodesandBattleships · 03/09/2011 17:33

Please doo not rush into having an abortion. I am not against people ending unwanted pregnancies but you sound so confused and not sure what you want. You need to completely be selfish for a moment and work out what you want. I know that sounds harsh but if you do terminate then it will be YOU who lives with that decision every day forever, not him. He is being selfish by saying you are only thinking of yourself. I had an abortion when I was 17 and although my partner (now my dh) didn't force me or ask me to get rid of the baby but I still resent the fact that it was ME who signed the consent form and it's ME who carries all the guilt. He seems to have been unaffected by it but it wasn't his body, it wasn't him who had to go through the actual abortion its self. It's me who lives with it and whilst I don't regret the decision I made I do feel very responsible for it and to this day wonder 'what if'. It wasn't his choice to make. Good luck. Sorry I can't be more help xx

racetobed · 03/09/2011 17:35

Hi OP sorry you feel so alone, hope you get some advice soon. But it seems to me like you've made your decision and you're going to have this baby.

One thing reads very clearly to me: that if you terminate, your marriage woudl definitely not survive. There's no way you would ever forgive him.

I think that he need to understand that both outcomes have an 'impact' on your family. A third child will change things, sure, but a termination would also change things. He needs to understand there is no get out of jail free card here.

And i'm sorry he's not supporting you. I can understand how lonely you must feel right now. :( Hope more advice follows.

SecretCodesandBattleships · 03/09/2011 17:36

Also just to add, if you already have 2 children, why is it so impossible for him to imagine having another? If he really does feel that strongly about it he needs to have a vasectomy to stop YOU from having to go through this again. I am currently 25 weeks pregnant with DC2 (unplanned) but if DH would have suggested an abortion I would have left him in a shot because I know how it feels to live with that. Whilst no man should be forced into having children, sometimes these things happen and he needs to let you decided what YOU want to do about it.

PhilipJFry · 03/09/2011 18:51

I think having an abortion in these circumstances (under pressure, when you don't want to and when you can see it having a profound impact on your mental health) is a bad idea. It would have an awful effect on you and like someone else said, it could destroy your marriage. It would certainly ruin your relationship with your husband. He's trying to emotionally blackmail you into a termination by acting as if another child would hurt your family. Don't feel that you have to do it.

lachesis · 03/09/2011 18:55

He can be dead set as he wants. He doesn't decide here.

Please, for your own sake, do not let him bully you into a termination you very clearly do not want.

Please, please seek out some help, even from Women's Aid or Samaritans.

I'm pro-choice all the way, but IME, it needs to be something the person undergoing the termination is 100% sure of or the fall out can be extremely serious.

If he truly didn't want any more children, then he should have had a vasectomy. In fact, I know some men so sure they don't want anymore they have vasectomies and still use condoms as well.

DuelingFanjo · 03/09/2011 18:58

Dinb't do it. I am pro choice but you obviously wouldn't choose to have an abortion so just don't do it.

lachesis · 03/09/2011 19:00

Here's a thread to read: AIBUtobeangryathisabortionrequest.

AyeRobot · 03/09/2011 19:04

I'm so sorry he's putting you under so much pressure. If he felt so strongly about not having another child, then he should have made absolutely sure that his sperm didn't meet one of your eggs.

You aren't alone. You'll get lots of good advice here (and maybe some that is harsh, but that is par for the course).

Hope it all works out for you.

lachesis · 03/09/2011 19:30

And when he talks about 'impact it will have on our family', he means on him, because having another sibling won't negatively affect your boys at all.

SamsGoldilocks · 03/09/2011 19:40

I've been in a similar situation and it was awful - both the shock of finding out i was pregnant and the trying to decide for the best. My Dh didn't want a third and eventually i felt that although i didn't want an abortion, it would be worse to have a child that was unwanted and resented by one parent.

I went to the clinic to discuss it, knowing in my heart of hearts it was a horrendous choice but i just couldn't go through with it and I think for my dh reading the leaflets about what happens and him seeing how upset i was about it, helped him to change his mind. DC3 will be 2 next month.

Sometimes having a few more facts can help support your decision, maybe your dh just doesn't know or understand why it's so important to you. If you can't tell him face to face could you try writing to him.

MmmmmCake · 03/09/2011 19:42

what reasons does he give for not wanting another chld

TheOriginalFAB · 03/09/2011 19:42

He can't make you do anything you don't want to do but he needs to know that things will change forever if he carries on trying to bully you. You may end up bringing up the baby as a single parent.

RosMyerswannabe · 03/09/2011 20:01

Something very similar happened to me last august. I still find it upsetting to talk about my thought it might help if I shared my story. We have two boys, both under 4 and id just been made tedundant. Morning after pill didn't work (first and last time I use that then!) Pregnant! DHs reaction was "Get rid of it". I didn't want to and thought it would be something I'd always regret and would in turn blame him for 'making' me do. He said having a third child could come between us (not sure why??!!!) Looking back I honestly think he was reacting to "shall we have a third child'? NOT 'what are we going to do about the third child we now find ourselves with?'
Anyway, we went ahead with the pregnancy. It was a very difficult 9 months, I felt very isolated as he was basically in denial the whole time and changed the subject whenever I tried to talk about names etc. My mother also ignored my expanding stomach, she didn't approve either (possibly because she currently looks after the other two one day a week and didn't like the idea that she'd have 3!) It was a very lonely time.

Baby was born and it was a girl! I was over the moon after having 2 boys. Weeks later my DH said he would probably have agreed to having a third child if we could've guaranteed it would be a girl which u take comfort from.
Unsurprisingly perhaps I have PND which obviously started 12 months ago in pregnancy, but I am getting better and now our DD is 4 months old my DH adores her.
The last 12 months have been awful but we are now moving on and happy as a family of 5!
I still get upset when I think about my pregnancy but I'm trying to forgive and forget.
Sorry this post is longer than I'd intended! Hope it helps in some way cos I know how awful it is to be in this situation x

mathanxiety · 03/09/2011 23:26

He decided having a third child would be fine when he had sex with you without adequate contraception.

If he really doesn't want any more children the time to start saying that was after the last one was born, and he should have been talking in terms of a vasectomy.

The other thread Lachesis linked to went a bit strange for a while but the H turned out to be quite a cad.

ZhenXiang · 04/09/2011 00:03

If you really do not want to have an abortion don't. There is never a perfect time to have a child, but you are married and have two already so are in a better position than most.

I had a termination at 10 weeks when I was 19, was at Uni, not even with the father anymore, but have regretted it ever since.

blackeyedsusan · 04/09/2011 00:35

do not have an abotion if you are not 100% sure you want it for yourself and not because your husband is making you feel guilty. you will find it verry hard to forgive yourself and your husband if he pressuers you into this. it is likely to deatroy your relationship if you go ahead under pressure.

second mathanxiety. if he didn't want childern he should have discussed it after numberr 2. now is not the time. he can suggest it once, but putting pressure on you is unacceptable. do not give in to emotional blackmail if this is not what you want.

margerykemp · 04/09/2011 08:37

He chose to have sex with you. Sex makes babies. He has to grow up and take responsibility for his actions.

solidgoldbrass · 04/09/2011 08:38

point out to him that if he pressures you into a termination you wil never forgive him and will leave him, tell him that you are not terminating the pregnancy and that if he wants to leave, there's the door.

lachesis · 04/09/2011 13:43

So he's already got his GP appointment to be referred for vasectomy then, since he's so adamant about not having any more children?

Has he fuck.

Believe you me, you're NOT alone, this type of thread comes up often enough. 'DH doesn't want the baby.' Oh, well, then 'D' H should have used da fucking condom or got the snip then.

MadamDeathstare · 04/09/2011 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

celadon · 04/09/2011 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChippingIn · 04/09/2011 14:01

I really can't add anything to what has already been said.

He is being a selfish arse and forcing you (through guilt or whatever) to have a termination will destroy your marriage.

So really just a HUGE HUG and ^^ what they said x

Original poster

loneraider · 04/09/2011 16:03

Oh my goodness, I never expected so my replies. Thank you all so much for you comments it has really helped me feel stronger and stand by my decision of not wanting this abortion. For the first time in ages I feel that there are people out there who understand me and I'm not so alone.

I am not sure he is ever going to want this baby but you are right a termination will destroy our marriage. Either way there is going to be a huge impact to our marriage. I just hope I am strong enough to deal with it. Also I cann't really blame him for this unplanned pregnancy as it was me who was on the pill. I don't know where I went wrong, I don't remember missing a single day. So in a way I understand his anger and why he blames me, I just can not go ahead with his decision.

I will keep you posted on any progress. Once again thank you all for sharing your experiences it has really helped me make up my mind. I really appreciate it even though I am in floods of tears writting this message so I hope some of it makes sense. xx

OP posts:

CelticStarlight · 04/09/2011 16:15

So you took all the responsibility for contraception and now he is blaming you because you got pregnant? How convenient for him! What a complete arse. If he doesn't want babies then HE takes precautions or abstains from sex. You are not to blame and you have every right to have your baby if you want to. Don't feel guilty.

lachesis · 04/09/2011 16:36

he doesn't have a decision. you have. you understand his anger and blaming you when he couldn't be bothered to use a condom or get the snip? what a friggin' bellend!

honestly, now he'll use this as a reason to treat you like shite and do all the hard graft.

i've seen it happen a million times.

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