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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

unplanned pregnancy and his abortion request

32 replies

loneraider · 03/09/2011 17:20

Hi, this is my first time posting and I'm finding it a little difficult as I am not really one to talk about my problems, but if I don't I think I might just drive my crazy.

Anyways, We have been married for 10 years, we have 2 beautiful boys and recently I have found out I am pregnant with our third child. It was not planned and he is dead set on getting a termination. I am about 10 weeks now and I just cannot go ahead with his decision, it would destroy me.

I have tried to make him understand how I feel but it seems to be falling on deaf ears. He says I am being selfish and just thinking about myself and not the impact it will have on our family. Maybe he's right I don't know anymore, but I know I would be able to go on living if I got rid of this baby.

Any help would be grateful, just feel so alone at the moment. Thanks.

OP posts:

lachesis · 04/09/2011 16:42

sorry, but what a bellend he's been for treating you this way.

don't let him away with it. 'you lay, you pay'. that's how it goes. he's an adult who knew how babies got made. if he were 100% he never wanted any more, he had the option of using a condom every single time (whilst you were on teh pill) or getting sterilised.

Thumbwitch · 04/09/2011 16:48

What everyone else has pretty much said - if you don't want the abortion, don't have it.
If your marriage ends because of it, then that's because your H is a dick, not because you kept the baby.
If you get rid of the baby, your marriage may end anyway AND you won't have the baby, only the guilt (because you don't want to get rid of it) AND your H is still a Dick for putting you in that position.

Keeping it seems like the better option to me - your H might come round to the idea, he might not - but either way your conscience will be clear and you'll have a new baby.

PhilipJFry · 04/09/2011 16:53

Don't be afraid to think of yourself as well, loneraider, and the effect doing it against your will would have on you. It is not selfish to think about what it would do to you and the long-term impact on your mental health.

He has no "right" to be angry at you because you were on the pill. If he felt THAT strongly about not wanting more children, THAT passionately about the effect on your family, then he would have got the snip. It would have occurred to him, he would have thought about it and he could damn well have gone out and got it done. So he can't put all the blame on this for you and be all "think of the consequences" when he hasn't done anything himself to minimise the chances of pregnancy.

InTheArmyNow · 04/09/2011 17:03

Err you know the pill isn't 100% safe. You might be one of those 1% who gets pg anyway but it doesn't mean it is your responsability only.

I would imagine your H does know that the pill isn't 100% safe. And that it can be affected by antibiotics etc.. So if he was so set about not having a 3rd dc, why did he not have the snip?? A bit easy to say,
well I'll take all the pleasure from having sex with you but I will also put all the responsability of the risk associated with it on you and then make you feel guilty if things don't pan out the right way.
And what about his responsability in it?

Thumbwitch · 04/09/2011 17:04

Not that it really matters but the OC Pill is not 100% effective anyway and its effectiveness can be diminished by antibiotic use, illness (especially with diarrhoea and/or vomiting), alcohol overuse (D&V again), to name the most common reasons for failure. So you might not have missed a day, but it might not have been working at full capacity.

Thumbwitch · 04/09/2011 17:04

xposted with inthearmynow!

lazarusb · 04/09/2011 17:16

Don't blame yourself. I was on the pill when I fell with ds1. I was 17 and had only been with his dad 6 months. He blamed me, (but didn't want to use condoms), demanded I had an abortion. Told friends, family, even his ex-girlfriends to tell me I HAD to terminate. I didn't. Ds is 21 now and I have never regretted having him and giving up my hopes of going to Uni etc. I split up with his dad when he was 5. Believe me, if I had my time over again, I would make the same decision.
Stick to your guns. You could terminate but you will never forget this baby. Your dh may not have any emotional attachment to it at this stage, but you clearly do.

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