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Original poster

What would you do if this were your friend?

36 replies

Ophuchi · 30/08/2011 14:01

A good friend of mine has dumped his (lovely) long term partner and started a relationship with a woman from Eastern Europe who tells him she's been in the UK for 5 years.

He is absolutely besotted with her and has announced that they are going to get married and have a baby. They have only known each other for a month.

When I suggested to him gently that it might be best to live together for a little while before he gets her pregnant he was upset and told me that he was going to give her anything she wanted, including a baby, because he loves her so much. I apologised and congratulated him of course but something doesn't sit right with me and I don't want to see him get his heart broken.

So I suppose what I'm asking is what would you have done?

OP posts:
Valetude · 30/08/2011 14:13

You can't really do anything. Adults get to choose. It's a shame if they have a baby with so little groundwork, but do you think he knows that or is he daft about other things too?

Original poster
Ophuchi · 30/08/2011 14:16

He falls in love quickly and madly, he gets bored after 2 or 3 years and he goes looking for someone else - but he says this one is different. I don't know, I just have a feeling he'll be round here crying one day when it all goes wrong. :(

OP posts:
Valetude · 30/08/2011 14:18

Well that's sort of his business (sorry that sounds harsh).
I feel for a child whho has to grow up with that

Original poster
Ophuchi · 30/08/2011 14:19

I think he does know that having a baby so soon would be daft but he loves her so much that he doesn't care iyswim....

OP posts:
cookielove · 30/08/2011 14:20

Well i agree with Valetude, he is an adult and he needs to make his own decisions, what you can do is be a good friend and if things do go wrong (not saying they will) then you should be there to support him.

Original poster
Ophuchi · 30/08/2011 14:21

Yes, I think it's because I'm pregnant that I'm seeing this from the unborn child's perspective! But you're right, it's really nothing to do with me!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ophuchi · 30/08/2011 14:22

Yes, he knows I'll always be there for him :) Thanks

OP posts:
cerealqueen · 30/08/2011 14:35

There is nothing you can do, its his life , his decision and no matter what you may say, he'll do what he wants anyway.
FWIW, not sure where she comes from or how long she has ben in the country comes into the equation?

Original poster
Ophuchi · 30/08/2011 14:58

I don't want to cause any offence here, I know people from all over the world marry Brits every day because they are in love. Another mutual friend suggested the new girlfriend was taking advantage of him so she could have a child with a British passport and permanent residence in the UK.

I only want him to be happy. He would be devastated if he were being used in that manner.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 30/08/2011 15:01

There is absolutely nothing you can do to make someone act sensibly when s/he thinks s/he is in love. Though if his new partner has been in the UK for 5 years she is less likely to be a scammer than someone who's only been here a few weeks (or, worst-case scenario, someone he met on line who is waiting for him to buy her a plane ticket...).
ANd if he is the sort of bloke who has to trade in his partner every two or three years anyway, it doesn't matter where she's from, because he;s going to follow the same pattern whatever.

Original poster
Ophuchi · 30/08/2011 15:10

I talked him out of buying a plane ticket for a Russian once. I really hope she's not a scammer because he says he's never been in love like this before. It's her breaking his heart I'm worried about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ophuchi · 30/08/2011 15:14

And he's never wanted to father a child before with anyone else. So I think it's the real thing for him.

OP posts:
Valetude · 30/08/2011 15:18

If he's daft enough to marry someone after a month then he's probably too daft not to see if she's after a passport.
It happened to someone I know, but I put her firmly in the category of 'person who usually makes daft decisions' anyway.
You can't know at this stage so unless she tells you that's what she's after there really isn't anything you can advise.

Original poster
Ophuchi · 30/08/2011 15:20

Yes I'm afraid he is that gullible. I hope it all works out. I just don't want to see him hurt.

OP posts:
DontGoCurly · 30/08/2011 20:20

I think I'd be straight with him. I mean at least that way he won't come around whinging and expecting you to pick up the pieces when it goes tits up!

wotabouttheworkers · 30/08/2011 23:19

Congratulate him and stand by with the tissues. Hopefully they will not be needed. He might still be with her in 40 years time.

pictish · 30/08/2011 23:27

Well, I think he's being a fool, but if it were my friend I'd say owt, but be there to help pick up the pieces afterwards. What a tool.

pictish · 30/08/2011 23:28

By the way - my bil married some internet woman from America that he'd known for two weeks.
What a mess that turned out.

Original poster
Ophuchi · 31/08/2011 09:32

I could not let it be so I called him yesterday (when I knew he wasn't with her) and explained sensitively why I was worried.

He told me she wasn't like that, that she was the most wonderful person he'd ever met, well-educated, independant, beautiful, kind and she made him feel amazing. He said again that he'd give her anything she wanted because he's never loved anyone so much.

He did see where I was coming from though, and told me not to worry and that he'd let me know the date for their wedding.

I think I'll stand by with the tissues just in case. I just can't see how a well-educated, independant woman would want to have a baby with a man she's known for four weeks.

OP posts:
pictish · 31/08/2011 09:49

She wouldn't, you are right. However, there is nothing you can do. I know because dh and I tried our best to widen bils eyes to his impulsiveness, but it only resulted in a long fall out between us. He was totally dazzled by this exotic monster creature, and would've defended her unto the ends of the earth.
Turned out our instincts were right, but in hindsight I wish we had stayed out of it, and just been there to pick up the pieces.

If he has made his mind up, any further attempts from you to appeal to his sensibilities will be viewed as vindictive, particularly if he is being bolstered along by the black widow bride to be.

Original poster
Ophuchi · 31/08/2011 10:12

Thanks pictish. Yes, I'm just not going to say anything from now on, I've said my piece now and feel satisfied that I tried. I just hope that she doesn't try to run off with his child and his money one day (he's quite well off but doesn't have any common sense!)

I'll be here when it all ends in tears.

OP posts:
pictish · 31/08/2011 10:20

Yes, my bil totally lacks the common sense chip as well. It is very frustrating to stand back and watch the inevitable car crash.
However, there really is nothing you can say if he's determined. My bil was 32 when he took the decision to marry. He's like a child in a lot of ways, but the law says he's an adult.

My advice for you, having been there, is to step well back from the situation and let him find out the hard way....as is his choice.

If you oppose his decision (as we did with bil) he will not confide in you when it all goes arse up (which it will). One thing I learned from it, was that a good friend knows when to button it. I didn't, and ended up alienating my bil for five years.
We get on fine nowadays - he still visits women that he's met on the net in far flung lands, but I hold my tongue.
No weddings to total strangers though....so it's so far so good.

Original poster
Ophuchi · 31/08/2011 10:34

Funnily enough my friend is also very child-like despite being in his mid thirties. You're right, it's hard to stand by and watch the car crash but I know I have to do it so that he can come to me and cry when she's taken him for all he's got.

OP posts:
pictish · 31/08/2011 10:54

Yes, quite.

I do sympathise so much. xxx

Mobly · 31/08/2011 13:21

He's happy to hurt his ex by dumping her for another woman so he should be big enough to take any hurt that comes his way when/if he gets dumped.

I understand why you're worried but your worry seems disproportionate IMO. He is a grown man. You're not his mother.

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