To be thinking of leaving my unabusive, perfectly nice dh?

[Dazedandalittleconfused]

Bit of backgroud- I´m 23 and married dh when I was 20 and 5 months pregnant. He is a nice man and I care about him a lot, he´s my best friend.The problem is I don´t fancy him, I´m not sure I am actually in love with him and I wonder whether I can just spend my whole life married to him, never having a chance to experience that real ´big love´. On the one hand we have a nice life and do get on well, but on the other hand I feel trapped and depressed. I feel like I´m only still with him so as not to disrupt our ds´s life and also because I dont even know how to get out.

You are too young to be settled, I met my kids dad when I was 20, by the time I was 30 I had outgrown him and become someone totaly different. You don't actually grow until you reach 30.

everyone is different

i married at 19, OH 20, still going strong 30 years later

hmm, you're very young to have settled down. However, that isn't a bad thing and you are very lucky to have a nice man whom you think of as your best friend. The grass often seems greener, especially when so young I think.

I loved my DH when I married him (20 years ago) and that love has waxed and waned and year by year grown a little bit more. We weren't a grand passion but we loved each other and have rubbed along and love each other and he's my bff and I'm his but it has on occasion taken perseverance and patience and had its ups and downs but in the end it's worth it and I don't think either of us would have been happier or better loved or more secure with anyone else.

Good luck OP - don't do anything too fast or too silly. Nice men are hard to come by - especially kind and faithful ones.

I'm another voice counselling against hasty action. No matter how big love a relationship appears at first, the time always comes when the hormones wear off and you have to live with the reality of life with another person. That always means compromise on both sides and hard work. Your have a DC together, you owe it to that child to be an adult about this and accept that the Mills and Boon stuff just doesn't happen.

I disagree with the poster who recommended ditching the romance novels though, I read them by the ton and have been married for 13 years, together as a couple for 18. You just have to remember that they're an outlet, not a self-help guide or a user manual.

Hear, hear married

A man you love, and is your best friend, is kind, thoughtful, faithful and 100% beside you is worth his weight in gold. The grass isn't greener, it's just different.

Relationships are hard, especially with young DC. I have had times, when I thought I no longer fancied my DH, and also times when I have maybe not loved him so much, and I'm sure he'd say the same about me, but as our DC have got a little older, now 7,5,2, things have got easier.

Maybe we've given each other a bit of a break too, and have recently even if we can't get a sitter, had a night when we spend the time after bedtime, just being together, cooking a meal, not watching TV, just chatting, sometimes a shared bath, just trying to reconnect. It works. Our relationship isn't perfect, but it's great. I love DH more than ever, and he constantly tells me the same, and suddenly, we fancy each other all over again. life's good again.

Try and get some help with the depression. Talk to your DH. Give each other time and space. Hopefully you'll come out the other side of this, and be even more solid as a result. Good luck :)

You might benefit from looking at psychological research and theories of love and relationships. For example this model of love. While there isn't a single theory, there are some recognisable patterns in relationships which have been written about. The reason I suggest this is that it can be tempting to look for an alternative relationship as it might seem exciting, but if that relationship lasts, then it is very likely that it will settle down and become less exciting. Some of the theories really tied to real life. This is also a good summary. The idea that there are different components of love is also interesting as these vary through a relationship - so passion might go down, but levels of intimacy up. So starting again would probably bring passion, but at the loss of intimacy. There is also a theory that says when we consider whether to stay in a relationship we look at things like barriers to leaving the relationship and the available alternative relationships. It is worth considering whether when you think about alternative relationships whether you are actually being realistic about who is available and what a relationship with them would really be like. I know that this sounds horribly pragmatic rather than romantic.

I have been with DH since we were both 18 and as time goes by that very exciting time at the beginning of our relationship becomes a dimmer and dimmer memory. I know it was a wonderful time, but I don't remember the nerve-wracking "does he/doesn't he" that probably was part of it too and I would rather not go through again. The way I love him now is an intense sensation that we are part of a single unit.

Good luck explaining to your dd your broke up their family because even though their dad was a lovely man you just didn't fancy him at that moment.

Any way the moment you become a single parent and date a few prats

That you feel passion with but hate your dd or have 6 kids with 6 other women you would of wished you stayed put

To be honest hard men are hard to come buy my sister is a single parent not by choice if you don't want your oh I am sure she will have a kind, sweet man who loves kids

You also have to face the fact that unless you want a much older man most 20 somethings will be put off having a DC and having to spend time 'as family' before they are ready for it or have any experience.
I have been a single mother (although early 30's)and it isn't easy. You will, as maypole says, meet a good many prats.

At 20 I was all the woman I was ever going to be. I've never heard anyone say that women don't mature until they are 30, what a strange view to hold.

See fabbychic is spouting nonsense yet again. I have been married since I was 20 and we will be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary next April.
Sure, I have changed and so has DH but he is still my best friend. We have had rough patches, like everybody else, but we are still enjoying growing old disgracefully together.
OP, where do you see yourself in 5 years time? Or 10 or 20? It's normal to feel a tittle bit trapped sometimes but the only way out is to talk to your DH. Make plans, talk about the future. But you do need to decide what you want to do. Stringing somebody along while you look for something better is never the answer.
You need to talk to him, see how he feels, then take it from there.

Haven't read all the posts but there seems to be an element of 'sex doesn't last, toddlers kill passion, don't bother looking for better'

Well I can't comment on whether you should leave him or not but I do not accept that sex has to diminish or stop because you've been together a few years or have young children. I would not want a life of no/unsatisfying sex and at 23 I'd certainly be considering my options if I wasn't attracted to my husband. Life is long and passion is important.

My H and I have plenty of issues, but we always have/had passion and sex.

You can leave him, that's your choice but before leaving trying talking about this to him? If there's nothing either partners done wrong to each other then i truly believe that you should try to communicate and capture the magic of the relationship again or make some new. After all you don't know that you don't love him, you just aren't sure you still do/did.

It won't always work but nowadays people jack things in really quickly and later some can regret them (of course this doesn't apply if the partner's done wrong or unwilling to help try to). To ensure you don't regret and to try for amicability between you and your child's father, I would say communicate with him, maybe take a break from each other and try RELATE or something similar?

You may still not want to be with him in the end but at least you can say 'i tried, it didn't work but i have no regrets because we both gave it our all'. Then you can move on, and he can too with more closure and hopefully with it being more amicable. OF course, he has to be willing to work with you and talk to but if he's your best friend, I presume that he wouldn't be adverse to trying to save your relationship.

Also, i have to agree with the 'grass isn't always greener comment'. On one of the MMT websites i once saw a very interesting comment:

Today, my landscaping business partner and I were laying fresh sod in front of a new house. As we were working I was complaining about my relationship with my wife - how things haven?t been quite as magical as they once were. ?When was the last time you cooked dinner for her, or took her out on a romantic date?? my partner asked. ?It?s been awhile,? I said. ?Well, the grass is always greener in the areas where you water it,? he replied. MMT

It certainly helped me think when it comes to recapturing the magic wth my partner and I!

The 'big love' idea is a load of tosh! My dh is my big love, but we don't sit around all soppy gazing at one another, and shagging every chance we get. We did all that when we were dating, but now, 8 years and 2 DCs later, we are too knackered for all that. We are best friends. We laugh a lot, we are affectionate, but rarely have the time/energy for passionate sex...but we know that while our DCs are young, they take the front seat to some of that. I am in love with him NOW because of the daddy he is to my DCs, and that he works awfully hard to provide for us...it isn't mad and passionate, but we care deeply for each other, and we're comfortable.
PAssionate and fancying someone isn't really what it's all about!

I think that Mia has a good point. You need to sit down with DH and discuss it. Maybe he feels the same? Work out what you both want and expect from life. Do you make time for yourselves? Have you just got into Mum and Dad, best friend routine? Have you tried to get away on your own, as a couple and not parents? You have to learn to love yourself first and not look to someone else. If you are depressed it isn't the time to make life changing decisions.
Have the discussion.

The 'big love' can be exciting, but they are not necessarily the best person to live with.You also can't maintain that first passion-ordinary life e.g. putting out the dustbins, cleaning the toilets gets in the way!

Everyone is different and I do think your DH sounds like a really lovely person but having been in a similar position myself (although not with children at that point) I would say that splitting up was the right thing to do for me.

Some years later I found someone with whom I have the most incredible chemistry which only seems to get stronger (7 years on) and who is also caring and kind in every way. When I was with my ex I always dismissed the physical chemsitry side of things as not important. Having been with my DP I would say I would now find it very hard to live without....obviously only if you get along in other ways too though.

If I had to choose I would choose a great friendship with less good sex rather than the other way around but it IS possible to find both.

However, I am not inside your relationship and it could be that you are just going through a rough patch. Obviously, don't do anything hastily especially as it would mean disruption for your dd BUT you are not wrong to be questioning your relationship if you feel there is no passion.

Raffle I was one person wanting one set of ideals at 20 and another at 30, I outgrew my partner, albeit I hated him after a year but he was physically and emotionally abusive and I was stuck in that relationship for ten years.

When I reached 30 it was a milestone age for me in so far as I knew I had to get out.

Everyone is different, my mum and dad met at 14 years old and are still going strong but I was like Fabbychic, and I suspect many others feel that way too.

Everyone is different, however I would never advise someone to stay in a relationship where there was no love on there part.

The OP has outgrown her boyfriend, she doesn't love him, yet on this thread she should stay with him? What bollocks this is 2011 not 19fucking20.

If it is a sudden feeling because she is struggling with the demands of a toddler etc then that is one thing but if she has never fancied him.....that is different.

I was engaged at 19, married at 20 and we celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary next Tuesday.

Marriage takes work, the wedding isn't the full stop to the relationship, it's the start. We are in some ways different people from our 20s, but sometimes I look at him and the young naval officer I married is still there with a wicked look in his eyes and a mad sense of humour.

I don't always get the romantic declarations that I used to get, or the red roses 'just because', but I do get a mug of tea in bed every morning, hugs when I'm down, and the satisfaction of being with someone who knows me inside out and backwards, but still loves me and lives with me anyway.

'A man you love, and is your best friend, is kind, thoughtful, faithful and 100% beside you is worth his weight in gold. The grass isn't greener, it's just different.' Totally agree with that, and to put the reverse on it, my father regretted when he was dying, leaving my mum for someone else after 28 years. He found out that the grass wasn't greener, but different, and his decision to leave ruined many of his relationships.

The advice is not really whether to stay or leave. Deal with the depression first, talk to DH and then move from there. Don't be hasty.

well I think that you can hope to meet your one true love (so flame me for being a romantic!)... but you can't be sure that you will.

However I also think it's better to be on your own than in a compromising relationship (so flame me again). And that it's better to end a doomed relationship (not saying your is doomed - only you can decide that) sooner rather than later. Particularly before you actually meet your one true love because that would be much messier.

Make your decisions and do whatever you decide decently and with care and respect for all those involved - because if you leave, you will be judged by some, and you need to be able to live with yourself. If you don't leave and end up making your husband unhappy further down the line because you are unhappy, you will also be judged by some...being able to live with your decisions and actions is paramount.