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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is having cyber sex cheating ?

51 replies

ishouldknowbeta · 28/08/2011 14:25

i should know better as my name change sugests
im married and have 3 kids
its not a happy marriage
i dont love him and he knows it
sex with him kaes me feel sick
so do you consider this cheating ?
bearing in mind im never likely to meet these people
btw ive only done it twice

OP posts:

MrsHicks · 28/08/2011 15:54

thing is he is not in an unhappy marriage i am
I strongly believe that it's not possible for one person to be in a good, happy, healthy relationship and the other person not to be. At best, he's in denial, but that doesn't mean he's in a happy relationship.

GreatNorksOfFire · 28/08/2011 15:57

It's beyond Relate in your opinion? Then in that case you should exit this marriage before you find yourself with kids all grown up and left home, old beyond your years and still married to the smelly husband you so badly wanted to escape from when you were young.

You asked if cyber sex was cheating. The vast majority of posters so far have thought that it is. Now you need to work out what you're going to do. It sounds to me like you're just going to carry on as before.

I don't find the cyber sex in itself depressing - entirely up to consenting adults what they want to get up to. However, I do find the notion of staying in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the kids' utterly depressing.

M0naLisa · 28/08/2011 16:11

You say its his hygiene? But what aspect of his hygiene dont you like and what part of his hygiene does he not get? Does he not shower/bath? Clean his teeth,, change his clothes/pants/socks etc etc what???

Maybe try telling him how you feel until he realises.

The way i look at it is, what would you feel like if he was in YOUR position? Telling people sex with YOU makes HIM feel sick?

confidence · 28/08/2011 21:54

These things are very personal. I wouldn't personally see it as cheating, at all. Masturbating is just a part of life and unless one has some kind of irrational religious problem about it, I can't see how it makes any difference if one is masturbating in a darkened room or in front of a screen that is translating the image of someone on the other side of the world into coloured pixels. I'm often mystified by the significance people invest in really insignificant things just because they happen to be related to sex.

But the more pertinent question to me is: why does it matter? You don't love your husband; your marriage to him is a sham; you have no sexual feelings for him and feel sick going through the motions. It seems utterly bizarre that you should still maintain a quaint notion of some things being "cheating", as if there is something real there that can be cheated against. Surely that's just a question of pure formality, rather than an actual moral question?

I'm not judging you or telling you you should leave him, stop doing it or anything else. I know people end up in all kinds of bizarre situations in life, especially where relationships, having children, and sex are involved. You have to find the way forward that works for you - if that way involves a completely artificial sham marriage, then that's your business.

I just don't understand how the concept of "cheating" can mean anything in relation to such a marriage.

HopeEternal · 28/08/2011 23:18

Of course it is cheating. If you are so unhappy, get out. But don't try to justify your current behaviour to either yourself or to others.

How long will it be until just cyber sex isn't enough for you? Until you start making plans to meet your virtual partner in real life.

Playing with fire usually means that someone gets burned.

Sariah · 28/08/2011 23:35

If it is not cheating, then he won't mind and you can just tell him. Simple really.

solidgoldbrass · 28/08/2011 23:39

Well if he is making no effort to address your unhappiness I don't think you owe him much. The thing with cybersex is that you are neither risking a pregnancy nor bringing home a social disease and passing it on to your H.
However the marriage sounds bloody miserable so it's probably worth working out the best way to put an end to it.

Lougle · 28/08/2011 23:40

Absolutely. You know it is.

Original poster

ishouldknowbeta · 29/08/2011 13:58

ok so do you all think that in 14 yrs of marriega the topic of his smell has not come into it - dear god i have tried and tried all thses years so he obviously doesnt care to change even though he knows it upsets me.
he smokes alot (not on the house) but because of the way he holds the fag its make his whole hand smell ,he thinks a little water makes the smell go away instead he then smells like an ashtray thats been out in the rain ,also he only eats spicy food therefore he smells of that too ,its not that he doesnt bathe ,or b.o or feet -i think this is so much worse,its like its ingrained in him .
the kids are always telling him too not promted by me either they have noses too.

OP posts:

Lougle · 29/08/2011 17:25

That's irrelevant. If you are still in a marriage, it is cheating.

If you want to have cyber sex, then get out of your relationship.

If you don't want to get out of your marriage, don't have cyber sex.

Whatever you do, don't pretend this isn't cheating when it is.

scaredlady · 29/08/2011 17:39

Agree with confidence. Your marriage is knackered. That being the case, it's not really cheating, because as s/he says, there is nothing to cheat against. SGB also talking sense - you're not putting yourself in danger of pregnancy, disease etc and that's good.

Equally valid the point that you would be better off dealing with the root cause and problem. Your marriage is no good. You should probably get out, but it's not that easy or simple. I think you'll do this, but you might not be ready yet.

In the meantime I would say carry on as you are, what you are doing clearly helps you and you are not in a great situation.

Frankly if someone stinks and won't deal with it, they are not respecting their partner and don't deserve that much loyalty, IMO

You could be doing things that are a lot 'worse'.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 29/08/2011 17:41

Well if you're this unhappy then the kids know it anyway, they're not stupid. If you detest him that much, and it sounds like you do, then get out. But yes, it's cheating and tbh, if your marriage is in the state it's in, why tf would a bit of cyber sex make the slightest bit of difference to your state of mind? I don't get the connection. It won't magically make him smell better or bath more.

TheFlyingOnion · 29/08/2011 18:04

I think the question of whether cyber sex is cheating is totally irrelevant here.

What IS relevant is that you seem to detest your husband and have no respect for him. That being the case, you have two options:

Relate
Leave

Tbh I almost feel sorry for him

Original poster

ishouldknowbeta · 30/08/2011 06:50

u feel sorry for him - you truly have no idea whats gone on in our relationhip.if you knew the whole truth then it would be a different story

OP posts:

carminagoesprimal · 30/08/2011 07:32

Op; if I don't love my dh ( and he knew it ) if my marriage was unhappy and sex with him made me feel sick - I'd be having cyber sex.

You haven't had real time sex (yet) so maybe he won't see it as cheating? - and it's what he thinks that's important isn't it, not what people on M'net think - but quite frankly, if you don't love him and he makes you feel sick do you care what he thinks?

If cyber sex is a coping mechanism and a bit of self preservation - maybe you don't want to leave the marriage for all sorts of reasons ( kids, financial, he's ok sometimes etc etc ) - then just be careful. Don't take if off the Internet into RL.

AnyFucker · 30/08/2011 21:28

I think you are cheating yourself by staying in a relationship that doesn't make you happy

We get one life

Yes, it's a cliche...but I really fail to understand why anyone would stay attached to someone they so clearly despised

Your kids won't thank you for it

solidgoldbrass · 30/08/2011 21:34

What's stopping you from getting rid of Stinky? I can totally understand why you are using cybersex as an escape route and I don't blame you in the least, but in the long run it's not a solution. If he finds out, he will then feel he occupies the moral high ground because he hasn't breached monogamy - never mind that he's selfish and lazy and smelly and has no interest in you or how you are feeling, he hasn't thought about having sex with other people. Unfortunately, because of the toxic cult of monogamy being all-important, his shitty behaviour and selfishness will be disregarded by other people as well.
But living with someone who is maintaining his contentment at your expense ie ignoring your misery as long as he gets his dinner cooked, his kids cared for and his pants washed, is going to eat away at you and grind you down to nothing in the long run. He obviously isn't going to change so why not at least explore the options of getting rid of him.

AnyFucker · 30/08/2011 21:38

oh, and I deliberately ignored your admission of "cybersex" (whatever that is..)

ditch GrotBags, find yourself a real man who doesn't make you want to puke at the sight of him

confidence · 30/08/2011 21:47

It's a little unfair though, when you think about it.

I mean, for all you know, the men you're having cybersex with might stink just as bad as your husband. It's just that there is no transmission of smell through the internet (yet).

Mind you that might be a solution. Put yourself and your husband in separate rooms in opposite ends of the house; set up a webcam between them, and away you go.

HerHissyness · 31/08/2011 11:09

"u feel sorry for him - you truly have no idea whats gone on in our relationhip.if you knew the whole truth then it would be a different story"

If you knew the truth about MY relationship your hair would fall out.

I don't care about HIM per se, I care about YOU OP. You are the one here, asking for help/support/justification.

You are NEVER justified in cheating, even if only through the internet. It's not fair, it's not nice, and it's a waste of bandwidth.

If you have had 14 years of this and there is a shed load you are not telling us, then not a soul on here would tell you to stick with it. They'd tell you to do something about it.

Either FIX the problem, or WRITE OFF the relationship.

Cheating is not fair on the father of your children, it's not fair on your DC too, and it's destructive to you.

As hard as you may find it, the right thing to do may be to end the marriage.

Original poster

ishouldknowbeta · 01/09/2011 07:42

im just so conflicted - my head says one thing and my heart another
i dont want to be in this relationship all my life
dont i have a right to be happy?
ive stayed this long as i thought i was doing the right thing for the kids
im not so sure it is the right thing to do

OP posts:

AnyF · 01/09/2011 13:04

Staying in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the children is never, IMO, the right thing to do.

Original poster

ishouldknowbeta · 01/09/2011 15:35

but they will blame me and say i was selfish

OP posts:

HerHissyness · 01/09/2011 15:46

YOU DO have the right to be happy, of course you do! We all do!

But you have to do it right, you have to be brave and you have to face what needs to be faced.

Yes it'll be hard before it gets better, but at least you have hope that it will get better. You stay in this sad relationship, where is the happy ending? If it's not there, it's not going to be there until someone does something about it.

You don't want this relationship, GET OUT. It really IS that simple, you see what you need to do, you communicate it, and you action it.

Not saying it won't hurt, isn't sad, it will and it is, but an unhappy mother is not as great a mother as a happy one is.

You get yourself and your DC to a happy home, perhaps find a new partner that IS great in time, and it will work out.

You can't suffer because of the thoughts of what a child might go on to think.

For all you know, they might be happier for you when you are out and glowing.

I don't believe that someone like you would have brought her children up to think that of their mother.

You need help communicating stuff about all this to them? just ask. many women here can help you explain it to them so they will understand.

dolmio · 01/09/2011 15:53

a great post Confidence.. balanced and rationally thought-out

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