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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Followed MN advice - want to hear the outcome??????

36 replies

Gotitwrong · 27/08/2011 09:54

Hi not posted on here for a couple of months but feel that I wish to update you with where I am now. If you remember my story then great but if not here is a brief reminder.....
Been with H for nearly 30 years since aged 16. 3 children. Truly awful last couple of years with things starting to go wrong after birth of DC 3 (now 8). Tried hanging on in there for the sake of the kids but just could not carry on in the end. Suffered years of verbal abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse but thought this was normal, thought it was my fault!! Posting on here made me see differently and reading the Lundy Bancroft book just really made me see that I was not and am not responsible for his actions. I grew strong and realised that it is for the kids that I was to do what I ended up doing............
I actually managed to get him OUT!!!!! he has been gone 2 months now!!!! I have gone through all sorts of emotions. Guilt, fear, failure, tears (so many tears), remorse, embarassment, loneliness you name it all the possible emotions I've had them all....
HOWEVER I have done the right thing. I am happy, the kids are happy. There is fun and laughter and love back in our home. The awful atmosphere has gone. It is not a loveless home any more - we have done it!!!!!
For all of you in the same situation then dig deep. If I can do it then anyone can I promise. Only you know when the time is right though. It is certainly not easy to end a relationship especially a long term one when children are involved. I stayed far longer than I should have because I truly believed that marriage was for life and that kids deserve to live with both parents but do you know what????? That is only the right thing to do when the parents are happy, where their is love and respect and laughter and fun NOT when their is abuse and anger and hurt. That is no way for anyone to live.
Thank you all for your support and help - couldn't have done it without you!!!!

OP posts:

ToothbrushThief · 27/08/2011 09:56

Whay hay! You go girl :)

NormaStanleyFletcher · 27/08/2011 10:04

I am in awe of your strength.

SO well one

Animation · 27/08/2011 10:07

I am in awe of you too. And your wisdom.

You got your life back.

craftyknickers · 27/08/2011 10:08

Im so happy for you :)

You and your kids deserve so much happiness. Enjoy every minute you have with your kids and feel proud that not only did you get out, you came through the bad stuff to realise you and your children are so much happier now.

Enjoy having a stress free, hurt free life you deserve it :D:D xxx

Original poster

Gotitwrong · 27/08/2011 11:03

Ah thanx!!!!
Don't get me wrong it has been tough, tough, tough and on top of all of my emotions and dealing with the children's emotions and feelings I still have this over-riding sense of failure and guilt. I genuinely feel sorry for my H too. He stills tries to hurt me with his words and still maintains that this is all my fault......I still have the occassional "wobble" but I am getting there.......the feeling of peace that I have in my heart and head and the sound of the children laughing help keep me going though.........here's to the start of my new life....I can't change the past so aim to live the rest of my life being me and being proud of who I am and what I have achieved. You never know I just might even find "real" love someday.......... !!!

OP posts:

MmeLindor. · 27/08/2011 11:05

Good for you. What lucky children you have, that their mother is so brave.

TimeForMeIsFree · 27/08/2011 11:55

I did it too, I escaped with my DD 18 months ago and I can tell you that it just gets better and better! You might have the odd wobble along the way but just keep putting one foot in front of the other and follow that path to complete happiness. I am deliriously happy, every day is a happy day for both me and DD. Tis bliss!

handsomeharry · 27/08/2011 12:08

Well done - from a fellow escapee!

The feeling of freedom is delicious. Knowing that your home is a pleasant, peaceful place to be and not an arena of fear is priceless.

Many years down the line now but have never forgotten.

KatieScarlett2833 · 27/08/2011 12:08

You guys are absolute heroines.

ThePosieParker · 27/08/2011 12:11

Wow, good for you!!

Curiousmama · 27/08/2011 12:13

That free feeling is amazing isn't it? So happy for you all Well done.

handsomeharry · 27/08/2011 12:16

It never gets old!

TimeForMeIsFree · 27/08/2011 12:18

I keep expecting to wake up feeling not quite so happy, I find it hard to believe that this level of happiness can continue forever. I do hope it does though.

craftyknickers · 27/08/2011 12:58

Aww I love this thread, I 'escaped' last week after a very bad black eye so its all very new to me.

To hear so many people say how happy they are is so nice. proves to all the ladies out there wondering what to do that it definaltely is worth getting out!

You have all made me very happy today :)

pickgo · 27/08/2011 13:15

That's great GotitWrong - really good to hear. And may it just feel better and better for you and DCs

When you going to change your name then eh...to Gotitright???

inatrance · 27/08/2011 13:26

OP, and all the other ladies who have found the courage to get out - you are amazing!

I'm five years down the line, leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done but easily the best decision I have ever made.

Five years on I am remarried to a wonderful man and have a happy, healthy relationship for the first time in my life, after a long succession of abusers. I have a beautiful new baby and sometimes my old life seems like a bad dream.

It is possible to get out and nobody who does regrets it.

TimeForMeIsFree · 27/08/2011 14:15

Well done craftyknickers you stay strong! Leaving isn't easy, getting through the months that follow isn't easy either but believe me, it is so worth it.

We are all pretty amazing aren't we

DontGoCurly · 27/08/2011 14:20

Good for you OP.

There is nothing like the feeling ! I know!

Don't listen to his poison. I dumped my loser/abuser years ago and even now he'd probably still make out he was the victim and he would never admit he was an abuser. It doesn't matter what the likes of them think and believe.

You will grow stronger and stronger and more confident. You will be sure of yourself and not waiting for permission from someone to think and live and it's bloody GREAT!

All the best for the future. x

michglas · 27/08/2011 14:22

Well done, you have done the hardest part and over time you will get stronger xx

BibiBlocksberg · 27/08/2011 14:30

Well Done! So glad things are going well for you!

lubeybooby · 27/08/2011 14:32

Oh big big well done to you. I left after a much shorter time (10 years) and it was both the hardest and the best thing I ever did. Wishing you all the best for your new future!

lazarusb · 27/08/2011 14:35

It was 16 years ago for me and every day I am grateful that I finally found the strength (through my now DH and DS1) to get away. I have never looked back. You won't either. CONGRATULATIONS

garlicnutter · 27/08/2011 14:43

What wonderful, wonderful posts :)

I think this is worth repeating!
I truly believed that marriage was for life and that kids deserve to live with both parents but do you know what????? That is only the right thing to do when the parents are happy, where there is love and respect and laughter and fun

Now you and DC are learning about life with love, respect, laughter and fun.
What a superb gift to give your children.

Original poster

Gotitwrong · 27/08/2011 15:28

wow I really can't believe all the lovely comments my happy thread has been given.....I had so many words of wisdom posted on my sad sad threads over the last year and it is now so lovely to be able to offer some hope to those of you trapped in this truly awful place. Living in any type of abusive relationship is wrong....it is soul destoying and very damaging to the victim and any children involved in the home. We try our best to protect them from the worst of things but children are not silly - in acutal fact they are far more astute and aware of things than we care to admit!!!! Whilst it is extremely difficult to acknowldege the damage a toxic relationship does it is up to us as adults to try, try ,try to change either the balance of a broken relationship or if this fails then to try try try to get away or get the abusive person out......our children and ourselves for that matter deserve to live in peace and harmony (most of the time anyway) ha ha.....
we deserve to be loved unconditionally, and to feel free to express our views and opionions, our children deserve to grow up with love and they need to be shown how to have a heathly loving relationship so that we can break the cycle that so often exists when children have been exposed to a toxic environment for too long!!!!!
Dig deep everyone........you can do it......the first thing in the journey is to actually acknowledge how bad it really is :-(

OP posts:

HeifferunderConstruction · 27/08/2011 17:39

Good Stuff :)

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