DD is 6 in a few weeks and hasn't had any contact with her father for over 3 years. He was an awful partner to me, emotionally and physically abusive. I left him when DD was around a year old, after a particularly nasty episode where he kicked me across the room and punched me in the face several times.
Despite this, I continued to make it possible for him to see DD, arranging regular contact. He continually failed to show up, let her down at the last minute and was generally crap with her. He never really had much of a bond with her due to not spending any time with her. During the first 3 years of DD's life, his contact with her was off and on. He once went 6 months without seeing her, and at other times would want to see her every other day. He also constantly tried to persuade me to take him back.
3 years and 3 months ago, he had just come back into her life after a year of no contact and things were going relatively well, he was seeing her once a week and seemed to be making an effort with DD. However, after a couple of months of this he started trying to get me back again. I had several late night phone calls (sometimes at 3 or 4am), some were him declaring his love for me, others were nasty and abusive, name calling and wishing me and various members of my family dead. We argued about it, I started turning my phone off every night, this made him furious and I'd have hundreds of nasty messages every morning.
The last time I spoke to him was one morning in May 2008. He wanted to see DD that day but I refused as I was ill. He turned really vile, called me the most awful names imaginable and said some nasty things about DD as well. He said he wanted nothing more to do with me "or that fucking kid" ever again.
I took him at his word, changed my phone number and never contacted him again. However, I continued living at the same address for the next 2 years, so if he had desperately wanted contact (as he now says he did) he could have come to our house, or written to us. He never did.
His mother stayed in close contact with DD throughout all of this, she visits fairly regularly (every couple of months), buys her lots of presents and takes her for days out. For the last few years, she has never mentioned her son (my ex), he has always been the elephant in the room that neither of us talk about.
However, over the last few weeks, ExMIL has stepped up her contact with DD, seeing her more often and making more of an effort with me as well. She has now started to talk about Ex. She feels that I am being unfair, that he should be able to see DD, and that she would arrange it, he would see DD at her house and I wouldn't need to have any contact with him. She says he wants to rebuild a relationship with DD.
DD talks about her dad constantly. She has vague memories of him, and says she really wants to see him. I think she just likes the idea of having a dad, and is curious about him. I don't think it's because she loves or misses him, she never knew him enough to! ExMIL has heard DD talking about her dad and thinks I'm being unkind, that if it's what DD wants, I should let her see him.
I don't trust him in the slightest. I have given him numerous chances and he has always let her down. I have no doubt that he would do the same again, only it would be much harder for DD now that she's old enough to really understand. I also know how nasty and violent he can be and I don't want my DD exposed to that.
I would be grateful for any opinions. What would you do in my position? And what would you say to DD when she asks for her dad?
Sorry this is so long, thanks for making it this far!