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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

silent treatment/sulking

58 replies

anjali410 · 25/08/2011 21:12

Hi!
So glad to find this site. I have seen similar threads on this forum about sulking husband so I hope I can get some help here.
My husband is a very jovial & good-natured, understanding partner. But he has this habit of sulking every now & then. Its very unpredictable for me. Something minor like background noise (like me cooking) while talking to him on phone makes him snap at me & give me the silent treatment that lasts from couple of hrs to days. Maybe he thinks I am being disrespectful by running errands in house while talking to him. Sometimes if I dont like the movie he chose, he goes into this bad mood. He usually comes back & apologizes. Sometimes he is in a good mood for months & then suddenly he has these mood swings.
We have been married for 3yrs & in the beginning I used to think its my fault & I read books like 'the surrendered wife' to correct my behavior. But after a while I started realizing its not me. I have been on my best behavior. I could put up a fight with him & give him the same treatment but the thing is he had a heart attack last year & I am trying to be more compaasionate towards him. Even before he had the attack he had the same behavior, so its not side-effects of medicines. I have suggested that we try therapy but he doesnt listen. I am walking on thin ice here. I want to ignore his childish behavior but at the same time try not to make him feel bad because I am afraid about his health. We are in our 30s & have no kids.
I am trying to get to the root of his issues & solve it. He lost his mom when he was young & maybe his family over-compensated for his loss that has lead to his spoilt kid behavior. I have tried explaining to him that I really love him & I cant agree with him all the time or leave my work to spend time with him. I try to spend an much time as I can with him. Usually he understand & respects my space & we have a great relationship but something trivial things set him off. I am past the stage of feeling bad & crying over it. Now I just dont care. Dont know how to fix this bratty behavior on my own. Wish i was a therapist. I really love him & hate to see him like this. Its not about me or my ego anymore. Its about his health & well-being.

OP posts:
LadyGrace · 29/08/2011 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bandwithering · 29/08/2011 17:04

Yes, I would use that only as a short term means of gettign together the stuff you need to escape.

anjali410 · 29/08/2011 17:14

Thank u friends for the feedback. LadyGrace, I haven't completed reading the book nor starting seeing a therapist yet so I am not sure about the right approach to address his behavior. So far talking to him like an adult hasn't worked. So I am using shopping as a therapy for now. Atleast this time I have made up my mind about leaving him if I cant take it anymore. Before this I couldn't even think about it & kept working towards changing myself. I am not saying that I will leave him for sure. I made a big commitment towards him & will give it my best shot. He is not rich so I am hoping that an unexpected shopping spree will make him rethink his behavior & why I am doing this. Usually I am very thrifty & dont shop unnecessarily. He might stop & think why i am splurging like this & confront me. Or he might use some other approach to train me. I am just focusing on my own happiness for now & am always going to be ready to leave at a moment's notice.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 29/08/2011 18:53

I used to hit him where it hurt in the gold shops.... I have that gold and it's worth twice what even he paid for it... so will sell it when I get the chance.

LadyGrace, I understand your thinking, totally, it IS wrong on many levels to focus on making them pay in the short term, but somehow it IS getting something out of the trap we find ourselves in. As in, we are momentarily stuck, so there may as well be something I get out of this.

anjali. My dear, thanks so much for your kind words, they do help me a lot.

but now back to you.... Grin

Love, sadly this man is trained and educated into knowing that he has every single right known to mankind to treat you as he is. He will not change. No matter what words you use, what language you speak, nicely, or with a baseball bat or gun held to his head, you will not change his feelings of absolute right to dominate you in all manners, and to demand what he wants from you, when he wants it.

Worse is that his entire family will think as he does, perhaps even yours too, so you won't have support from his parents/siblings and very likely not from your own parents either.

This doesn't make what he is doing to you any less wrong, any less abusive. Nothing will make him rethink, not even your spending, he is more likely to lose his temper and clamp down or punish you in some other way. Remember how insidious these characters are.. it won't always be a huge in your face kind of punishment. The smaller stuff actually really hurts a whole lot more.

Can you sell the things you bought? can you use the guilt laden credit card to build up a chuck of cash? can you get a bag packed, can you look into getting a place to stay?

HerHissyness · 29/08/2011 18:55

Now I posted, I wasn't sure about support from your parents, sorry if I got that bit wrong. It is however better to assume that you won't have unconditional help, cos if people do fall short, it's not so utterly hurtful and potentially crippling.

(bitter experience speaking)

anjali410 · 29/08/2011 21:10

Hissy, I dont care what people think about me or if they will support me or not. I have lived on my own all my 20s. So I am used to making my own decisions. My situation is not that bad & I have found a way not to worry anymore. He is just a part of my life & not my entire life. Just like if I have a teenage girl & she is sulking. I would let her deal with it & go on with my routine.
I do love him a lot. Just think he needs an attitude makeover for his sulks. What used to bother me was 'it bothers me'. I have broken that & very proud about it. I will continue working towards making myself a smarter person & not bother to change him. Let him work or not work on his attitude. He used to get a kick out my reaction. He is not going to get any response from me now.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 29/08/2011 21:13

There is (apparently) so much more to life than this.

(((((hugs)))))

HerHissyness · 29/08/2011 21:14

Please don't have kids with this guy?, please do something to get out and have a real life, a real family, real happiness with a good man?

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