silent treatment/sulking

[anjali410]

Hi!
So glad to find this site. I have seen similar threads on this forum about sulking husband so I hope I can get some help here.
My husband is a very jovial & good-natured, understanding partner. But he has this habit of sulking every now & then. Its very unpredictable for me. Something minor like background noise (like me cooking) while talking to him on phone makes him snap at me & give me the silent treatment that lasts from couple of hrs to days. Maybe he thinks I am being disrespectful by running errands in house while talking to him. Sometimes if I dont like the movie he chose, he goes into this bad mood. He usually comes back & apologizes. Sometimes he is in a good mood for months & then suddenly he has these mood swings.
We have been married for 3yrs & in the beginning I used to think its my fault & I read books like 'the surrendered wife' to correct my behavior. But after a while I started realizing its not me. I have been on my best behavior. I could put up a fight with him & give him the same treatment but the thing is he had a heart attack last year & I am trying to be more compaasionate towards him. Even before he had the attack he had the same behavior, so its not side-effects of medicines. I have suggested that we try therapy but he doesnt listen. I am walking on thin ice here. I want to ignore his childish behavior but at the same time try not to make him feel bad because I am afraid about his health. We are in our 30s & have no kids.
I am trying to get to the root of his issues & solve it. He lost his mom when he was young & maybe his family over-compensated for his loss that has lead to his spoilt kid behavior. I have tried explaining to him that I really love him & I cant agree with him all the time or leave my work to spend time with him. I try to spend an much time as I can with him. Usually he understand & respects my space & we have a great relationship but something trivial things set him off. I am past the stage of feeling bad & crying over it. Now I just dont care. Dont know how to fix this bratty behavior on my own. Wish i was a therapist. I really love him & hate to see him like this. Its not about me or my ego anymore. Its about his health & well-being.

I agree. I am going to keep my distance from him over the weekend. He usually patches things up over the weekend. Thats his pattern. Dont know what I should say to him when he comes to me apologizing. Before I would console myself by saying this is the last time. He is mature & I should give him some time to correct himself. This time its different. Or maybe he would continue the abuse. The longest he has gone is 2-3days. Looks like its much longer this time. Thinking about the disagreement we had, its laughable. He wanted us to watch a recorded tv show together & i wanted to exercize so i asked him if he can wait for an hour or 2. Thats it. I guess i am just stalling the inevitable. Eventhough we have been married for a while now we lived & worked in different cities so we would meet only on weekends. He got a job in my city few months back & we have been living together since then. During our time apart he did give me the silent treatment couple of times but got over it qucikly. I didn't think its a big deal back then. But since we started living together this has been happening more frequently. I thought he is just adjusting to new city, job & taking some frustration out on me. Is there any hope at all for him?? If he decides to go to therapy is this something that can be cured?? Are there any survivor stories?

helen, I pretty much nearly always agree with AF, and SGB... Fabby too when she's not being strange !

Anjali, you have a long way to go to understand everything that is going on here. Sorry, but you have.

This doesn't mean that you give up, or get despondent, oh no, it means that you need to open your mind, pace yourself and above everything, stay calm, focussed and be your own very best friend.

Relax, it'll be OK. Sure it'll get tough before you are through this, but the reward will be more than you ever hoped for.

silent treatment/stonewalling as you have read is one of the worst forms of abuse, as it's so passive, you can't fight it. To rail against it makes YOU feel unhinged, and all it takes is a smirk or a look and you know he's just tacked on another DAY or so of your solitary confinement.

I've never suffered this, thank god X never realised how powerful a weapon this would be, because had he used it at certain points over the last 3 years, it would have been the very last straw for me, and I doubt I'd be here if he did.

I can only imagine how excruciating and frustrating it is.

I know what I am about to say is ahead of your curve, but in time you will see that it really IS appropriate for you to do.

Stop expecting him to do the right thing. Stop expecting him to be a nice person, stop giving him another chance, then another, and another. The nice person he reeled you in with at the beginning of your relationship was just window dressing, it's not real and he is incapable of being the person you thought he was.

This is not your failing but his. It's his self esteem that demands that to feel whole, he has to crush you, and to allow you freedom, equality and free reign would diminish him as a man. Therefore he has to belittle you, reduce you, oppress you into someone who can barely function without him. THEN he feels good. This is none of your doing, anyone could have walked into this. Men like these tend to target trusting, happy, independent women, because they are everything the man is not. Rather than up his game, he chooses to destroy someone who has it.

The happier you are, the unhappier he is. The greater you grow, the more he will try to bring you down a peg or 5.

When you know what you are looking for, you can see red flags. With your history, fate was heavily stacked against you.

Read Lundy as soon as you can, it'll really explain things, it's so liberating, so freeing, I promise you, it'll help YOU. It'll help YOU make the decisions and choices you will need to make when you are ready.

You can recover from this, you have to be brave, you have to be focussed, and you have to be determined.

His abuse/stonewalling is increasing. he is punishing you for an opinion, choosing to differ yours to his.

he won't modify his behaviour, unless he really, really wants to.

He sees that he is entitled to treat you anyway he likes, he's not hitting you, but the stonewalling is done with the same venom, understand that, he is hitting you as hard as he can, without laying a finger on you.

I think the chances of him going to therapy (he won't think he's doing anything wrong) are minuscule. The chances of it ever working then in this case are *practically zero.

*practically - I am being kind

In a word: no.

In a few more words: once in a blue moon a controlling asshat changes for the better. This only happens if the following conditions are gathered:

• s/he is dumped, or shown the door and understands that the relationship is at stake;
• s/he lives apart from his partner;
• s/he chooses to spend that time in therapy, with specialists in controlling men who won't be bent by manipulation;
• s/he spends several years undergoing this therapy;
• s/he acknowledges complete responsibility for his/her own actions.

Quite a tall order for anyone, let alone an emotional cripple.

"He lost his mom when he was young & maybe his family over-compensated for his loss that has lead to his spoilt kid behavior."

Yup, that sums it up.

Treat him like a spoilt kid. Ignore his ridiculous sulking and pretend not to have noticed it. You have no kids, so arrange yourself a social life so you don't have to sit in and be pointedly sulked at.

You can't fix this behavior because it's not your behavior and the onus is not on you to fix it. here are your options.

1. Continue to worry about him, which will cause more delighted and attention seeking sulking behavior when he realises what an impact it's having.

2. Ignore it, and then you won't care whether he's sulking or not because you won't notice.

3. Leave him and find someone who doesn't behave like an over indulged 6 year old.

fate was heavily stacked against you.
I had no idea how i got myself into this. I waited until my early 30s to get married so that I had good education, job & I was financial strong to burden the responsibilities of a family. I did whatever I could to make sure I have a healthy family life. I married him not only because I loved him, but also we came from similar background, values & our education, jobs matched perfectly. I tried to take everything into account so that I have a compatible partner. He is as good as me & I dont know why he would feel inferior or try to tear me down. I have never tried to make him feel inferior or powerless or leftout in any decisions. How could I have been deceived? What hopes do I have to differentiate a good person from an abuser. I feel so naive & hopeless.

@colditz, I am ignoring it this time, as you suggested. Its working perfectly well for me. I luv my alone time & I dont have to attend to him like I would when he is being nice to me. I can just do whatever I want, no questions asked. Life is fabulous :)
Before this I would cry, try to make him open up, apologize, take initiative to patch things up. But i have had it this time. I secretly feel like he should get into his sulks more often so that i can take a mental break from him. I do feel bad now & then but overall i am handling it quite well. The trick is not to show him my true feelings. I am not constantly worrying about his behavior, like I used to. There are times during the day when I am at work & I completely forget about him.
I dont even know what I am going to say to him this time when he comes out of his mood. This time even he know he has gone too far. I have never ignored him like this. Either he would come around or just leave me. Either way, I am fine. I am loosing respect for him with each passing minute. He is so childish & immature.

Anjali, you sound like an utterly lovely person

Please seek that individual counselling ASAP. You deserve to be cherished, not made to feel bad

Your life partner should enhance your life, not take away something from it

Yes, all couples have disagreements, but mature people realise this and talk it through

Mature people with healthy respect for their partner do not seek to belittle, humiliate and otherwise reduce the one they love to a person who has to pretend to be someone else to keep them happy

Please throw away any ideas of "surrendered wives" That is all bullshit, IMO, but even more so with a self-entitled man such as this. He will take every opportunity he can to reduce you, don't give him any more.

You are in your 30's and childlees, yes ? You have some keen thinking to do, or I fear your biological clock may compel you to have a child with such a selfish man.

If you were my RL friend, I would tell you to dump this useless baby-father and find another one who will make a better job of it before it is too late.

Is his behaviour a good example to set to children ?

childless

Anjali. You prepared yourself well, thinking that others were the people you thought they were. But your background, your childhood hobbled you. There was a vulnerability there that men who abuse are drawn to.

My own childhood was fine, idyllic in many ways. Critical dad though... I grew up in the country in a nice village, safe blah blah. I trusted people generally. Give benefit of the doubt to all until they prove you unworthy.

That's fine for your out and out villain, but bloody useless with a manipulative abuser!

As I said, anyone could have fallen for this guy of yours, he hid that stonewalling part from you. He knows what he's doing when he does it though, if he thought it were perfectly acceptable to do to anyone, any time, he'd not have waited to start out with little periods of ignoring you.

This is why it is often said on MN that the Lundy Bancroft Book ought to be compulsive reading for all teens. It'd stamp out a lot of DV/EA relationships if women (and men) were taught what to look for and to avoid it.

I'm sorry you feel naive. It's part of the awakening process. You realise how it was in real terms and you feel idiotic for not having seen it earlier.

AF, garlic, Puppy, Annie and many others will tell you that when I got rid of my X after 10 years the first thing I had to deal with was the crushing feeling of monumental stupidity. I had many messages of support, and a tentative dip onto the Abusive Support Thread, and a couple of others and I started to feel human again.

For a while even I felt unable to post on here! , as I thought I had nothing to give, nothing that would help anyone. WTF did I know? I was a total failure. it was truly awful.

Then I read Lundy. weak The rest is history. MY HISTORY.

and now see, hisso ?

a valued, nay essential member of MN

Thought i had prepared myself well too. Mostly by reading lots of books books & articles. I read 'Game' by Neil Strauss & '48 Laws of Power' by Robert Greene to understand the sick manipulative psyche of people. I would never use them on anyone though. These books helped me a lot to get street-smart & take things in stride. I would highly recommend them to everyone. Also, meditation helps me calm down a lot. I used to be a nervous wreck before i started meditating. It does calm you down a lot & help u open your mind. My books & work are my main sources of strength & my safety net. Its not worth investing a lot of feelings in people but when u live with someone u cant help but get attached. Their actions break your heart. These abusers were probably bullies in their childhood & got their way all the time. I wish i learnt how to stand up to them while i was still a kid. Nobody taught me back then.
On a brighter note, i found a therapist & will be seeing her soon :)

Just completed chapter#2 of the book 'why does he do that?' I am speechless
Thanks everyone for recommending it.

yep.... here they come! See? told ya! Not your fault at all was it!

Well done Anjali! You are on your way home to freedom!

The part that hit home was 'cultural conditioning'. Its about beliefs, habits & values you grew up with. Thats so true in our (me & my husband's) case. People back in our home country consider themselves lucky if they are not physically abused. Staying married is more important than being happy. They dont classify emotional abuse as abuse. But when you travel & live in different countries, it breaks u free from all this ancient belief system. Guess u start demanding more from your life. Few months back when I was discussing the silent treatment with one of my relatives back home, she started talking about how her own son-in-law doesn't talk to her daughter for weeks & that I am lucky that my husband gets over it in a couple of days.
I remember my husband told me long back that his father said that hitting a woman is the lowest thing a man can do. So he would never ever hit me. But what he doesn't realize is emotional abuse can sometimes hurt worse than physical abuse.
Tonite I am going to watch the movie 'crazy stupid love' by myself. Lets see how he is when i get back home. I am emotionally exhausted & need a break.

I lived in Egypt for a few years.

There abuse is so societally conditioned that a girl is taught to be abused by her father, and if she has them, her brothers. If the Father is not ranting at her, calling her a whore for wearing this or that, or spying on her to make sure she's not up to anything, then the brothers pile in to take his place.

The mother was brought up identically and her mother before her, so she teaches her DD how to behave. The boys never hear the word No. IME, children seem to be tolerated until they can do errands, and then they are like mini-mes, sent out to do this, that and the other. After all ideally the women stay at home.

If a H doesn't scream and shout at his W, if he doesn't accuse her of shagging anything and everything, if he doesn't object to what she is wearing on the grounds of it being improper, many women think that he doesn't love her.

If he beats her up and she goes home to her parents, her father will take her straight back to him. If she leaves, he will deny her the kids.

Seeing how dire life can be for some, all the while knowing that my X comes from them, so on some levels goes along with it, aspires to a totally servile and surrendered wife made me really stop and think. I told him that the last thing on earth anyone with any sense of life at all would want would be to be married to a man that did that to his wife. X however used to tell me how much better off than them I was, and that I was lucky.

But he DID tell me what to wear. He DID deny me my liberty. For the first 6m I left the apartment less than 5 times, and one was an emergency dash to the hospital. After we moved it took MONTHS to get another key cut, he used to take the one we had, so I couldn't go for a walk - literally - around the block (crossing roads too dangerous).

On the horrifically rare occasions I would leave the apartment it was stressful before I even crossed the threshold. he'd shout at me for what I was wearing, no make up, no perfume, no this, not that. Then he'd drive like an idiot, shout and argue with literally everyone, complain to everyone, demand this, demand that, then drive home and shout at me for being embarrassed of him being a tit, or him humiliating me in public, and that's without the normal everyday insanity that are the streets in Egypt!

No wonder I ended up agoraphobic!

What I used to want to SCREAM at times was, It doesn't have to be like this! This is not normal! This is HELL!

7 months into life over there I knew it was wrong. Took me another 2+ years to actually come home for good. Gave him another year here, in the UK, where we met for him to be the person I thought he could be.... Nope.

All in all I've wasted 10 years and a family on him. My DS deserves a better dad than the prize idiot I picked, poor wee man. All I can hope for is that maybe one day there will be a person I allow into my life that DS can look up to... but the way things are now?.... highly unlikely!

OK, I am going to come clean... it sounds so like my mum and dad - my father had heart problems and could sulk for his home country. As a child, the most constant sound was my mum going "shush, your father is still in bed" "err, really at 5.00pm on a Sunday?"

My mum was a cradle Catholic, so no chance of leaving him so she just went with trying to make sure she did not upset him... however whatever she or we did was not good enough. I did not tow the line and stopped talking to him when I was 16... I saw what he did to my bothers and sister... it drove him up the wall when I did not respond.

It is unlikely that you will change him so you now need to think about what will make you happy and what you are happy to accept. Go ahead and take a break but remember it will still be there when you get home :(

Sorry for the essay!

WRT your comment about the physical abuse vs the silent treatment/EA, without diminishing the horror of physical abuse, the danger and the threat to life it represents, IMO the non-violent emotional/psychological stuff really does damage more for longer.

OK so you can't die from a couple of weeks of stonewalling, you are not going to be visibly marked by a bout of gas lighting, name calling or insults, but the wounds are there nonetheless. They won't heal by themselves either, they stay open, oozing life force and bleeding our bodies dry of self esteem, belief and hope.

A bruise will fade, emotional attacks don't. Sure when a person is hit, it has psychological impact also, but the main focus is still the physical act of violence. In many ways being hit is a focus, a turning point, a call to action for the victim, they flee/escape. when you are dealing with EA, the abuser will talk the victim round, blame them for the outburst and convince them that they need to try harder to make it all work. So the victim goes back. for more.

All abuse damages. No abuse is acceptable. You could have so much more, you don't have to live like this.

Anjali, you ask "but why would he tear me down?". Because he is training you. As you say, you are on eggshells around him. Being exactly who he wants you to be, pandering instantly to all his needs. Bending over so far backwards to please him that your back will break.

I agree with hissy and anyfucker et al

Lattelady, yeah, the only thing I have ever done that seemed to disconcert my x at all was when I decided to cease all communication.

Anjali - I am glad that you have identified a therapist. I feel that the sooner you can arrange a session, the better.

Going on your description of your relationship with your husband, you have a lot going for you. Many women would be delighted to have a husband who is "jovial, good-natured and understanding". Unfortunately, you do not have this all the time - but, nobody does. However, you do have a situation that needs to be resolved - or improved. Not every thing in life gets "resolved". We live in an imperfect world. Nobody has a "perfect" life - or marriage.

But you do need to have that aspect of your life/marriage improved.
That is why you should hasten to your therapist - and get the process under way as soon as you can.

You gave a description of your husband in your opening post. Subsequent posters have given detailed and lengthy descriptions of your husband - a man they have never met, have never seen. Some of these posts are downright dangerous.

There may be any number of reasons for your husband's behaviour - a lot of which have absolutely nothing to do with abuse. Now it is possible that his behaviour is indeed abusive - but nobody on this site knows if that is the case.

The only thing anybody can be sure about is that it is distressing for you - and you need proper professional advice.

Just be very careful with Lundy Bancroft's book - and in your current slightly fragile state, be very careful that you don't project stuff on to your situation that is just not accurate.

Apart from urging you to get an early session with your therapist, I would not give you any advice, except to, perhaps, put aside that Bancroft book, until you have had the benefit of discussing it with your therapist.

One reason for that (there are others), is that it is best to go for your initial session with your story and your situation without having it corrupted by suggestions from other sources.

I am not going to second guess your therapist - but, I would be very hopeful that you will have a very good outcome.

Dangerous? I miss the bit where we told her she should kill him.

I also miss the reason for putting aside Saint Lundy of Bancroft. Surely if the man is not abusive she will not find him described in there.

Absolutely Anniegetyourgun. Some bits will strike a chord, some bits won't. There is nothing dangerous whatsoever in having a reality check; being reminded of what the rest of the World finds acceptable & will/won't tolerate. I think I lost sight of that in a bad relationship. There is nothing dangerous about reading a book that you may or may not relate to, and there's nothing 'dangerous' about listening to other people's experiences. What is dangerous imo is being persuaded to accept what is not right because 'nobody has it perfect' or 'nobody has it good all the time'.

Nothing I've ever read on MN has corrupted my experiences . People like Annie and Math have put words to feelings I couldn't articulate though.

Friends, as expected, he did come to me over the weekend & told me to just forget what happened & cheer up. I said I am fine. Pretended as if nothings wrong. After one of these episodes he usually offers to make up for it by buying me something. Guess it makes him feel macho or guilty. I never take his offer thinking he cant buy my love/forgiveness & instead try to explain to him how his behavior hurt me & ask him to work on it. Since it hasn't worked in the past, I decided to take his offer. Spent half of his credit card limit on shopping. He was too macho or guilty to protest. & I feel much better after the shopping spree. If he is going to mistreat me, I am going to make him pay for it by the hour. Let him have his little power rides at my expense but its not going to be free anymore. Next time he goes into the sulk, I am going to squeeze out a spa retreat from him. He will pay after each episode until he cant afford to behave badly or cant afford to keep me. Also, after he 'trains' me using his silent treatment, I used to feel little scared & bend backwards. Now I am doing the opposite by demanding more things & doing less for him. I am not even going to address his bad behavior or talk about it like I did before.

You know, when I have kids I am going to teach them, especially the girl-child about the value of education. My work is the only thing thats gives me confidence & something to fall back on, if I have to leave him. God bless my parents for giving me good education. They told me not to rely on looks or money to become successful in this world. Your work experience, career are the things that will earn u respect. I dont have money, neither am I stunning to land a new man in seconds, but I do have the courage to leave him if I cant take it anymore only because I know I can pay my bills. Relying on someone else to take care of u is only going to make u weak & disappoint u forever. Invest in urself to make u strong in all aspects of life - education, career, looks, character, health. Ur man, kids comes after u & ur well-being.

I think part of the probelm is some of the conditioning a girl-child is subjected to, even in liberal societies. We play with delicate dolls, doll-houses, tiaras that brainwash us into believing delicate princess-image. Fairytales like cinderella, snow-white, sleeping beauty,.... tell us to expect a prince-charming to come & rescue us. Look at the toys we give to our sons -GI Joe, action heroes, cars, video games that boost their confidence & builds their self-esteem. They believe from the start that they can rule the world & develop a can-do attitude. Look at the toddler shows (toddler & tiaras) & beauty pageants that objectify us. The brainwashing is very subtle but effective. Not trying to be a man-hater or anything. Please try to educate ur daughters to be as tough as the boys & give first priority to education & not sacrifice their happiness or careers for anyone. No man is worth it.

@Hissy, so sorry about what you had to put with in ur past. I grew up in one of those semi-conservative countries that boost of low divorce rates & give credit to their conservative values. Thats only because they dont have enough opportunities for women & divorce is taboo so they stick to their provider/husband. If they had the same opportunites & rights for women as the advanced countries, their divorce rate would go upto 90%. I am so glad u got out of it & living a normal life. There are plenty of decent men around & dont let ur ex give up ur hope in dating/marriage. Its fun with the right person.
@Band, i cant agree with u more about him trying to train me.
@Miranda, I am looking forward to meeting my therapist asap. The posts here have been helpful in keeping me from becoming an emotional fool & I am very grateful for everyone's productive advice. I am not going to take any rash decisions. The book is great & it is helping me recognize a lot of patterns. He is doing what his father did & whats acceptable in his culture. Thanks for your advice & bringing in your perspective. I will talk to my therapist in detail about the issue. I will keep an open mind about things & not take any rash decisions.
I think this is a great forum & i will try to particpate here actively.

you have a great attitude anjali. I agree with you, even in this part of the world it is puzzling to people that a woman can be single (almost indefinitely) and yet seem to pull her life together and in fact flourish in the absence of a man.

I don't read fairy tales to my dd. I had one 'zog' and to begin with I thought 'uh oh where is this going!' but to my amusement, the princess said, right, I'm off to be a doctor.

If you hit his credit card, don't buy jewellery. Buy things that will use in your new life.