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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Got rid of him but I am pregnant.

26 replies

Squiglettsmummy2bx · 25/08/2011 02:33

After a very up & down 18 months last night was the final straw. My, now ex, bf has 3 sons from a previous relationship but as there was domestic violence & drug abuse inthe relationship they were taken from their mum & have lived with their maternal grandmother for the last 3 years. When i met my ex I did not know the full story & it was very much that the boys were 'lost' by his ex it is only as court action has taken place as she is trying to get them back that I have read court papers etc that make things more clear. They had broken up prior to them being removed former care & he had been caring for his dying dad but IMO that is not an excuse for abandoning your sons with a junkie & the violence & drug use on his part had occurred previously anyway. Afaik he is now clean although there have been slips according to drug tests I have found in court papers which he has asked me to read. Our relationship has been up & down but I am currently 4 months pregnant & had really been up recently. Yesterday he had court to do with his sons as he us trying to gain access & whilst there his sons social worker told him she had been informed that I am pregnant & to let me know she would be contacting me. When he told me this I was mortified, I have 2 children & am a very good mum & the thought of social services being involved in my babies life did upset me as I have never done anything wrongwith regards to my kids. When he came here later on we started to discuss this & I was obviously upset but he just said it wasn't his fault. I argued that it was hardly mine & why should I be paying because he & his ex were junkies. He was shouting at me that it wasn't his fault because he was with his dad etc & I said that he had let his boys down but he wouldn't have that & got very verbally abusive telling me I was a slag who sleeps with everyone etc. I told him to get out, it is my flat. He stays sometimes & gives me money towards his food & me doing his washing but the flat is mine, I pay all the bills etc. He was saying no give him money first & I said if he didn't leave I would call the police. He said I would have to as he wasn't leaving til he got his baby out of me. I was attacked by my ex when pregnant with my DD so this terrified me. I called 999 & managed to lock myself in the bathroom. My DD, 8, was outside with her friend & I shouted at her to go next door to friends house. He was banging on the door & shouting at me then when he heard me talking to the police went downstairs & calmly started to play football with neighbours kids so when police arrived he could make me out to be crazy pregnant woman & he was a saint. They spoke to us, I packed some if his clothes in a bag & they sent him on his way. I will have to have some contact as he has more stuff here but am going to insist he sends someone else to collect it. I have taken him back before but not this time but could do with some support right now because I just feel awful.
Thank you to anyone that has read this far, I am sorry it is so long x

OP posts:
Cocoflower · 25/08/2011 03:51

Im so sorry about this. I imagine your ex feels a lot of guilt and shame about his past neglect and has chosen you as a verbal punch-bag with disgusting comments such as he won't leave until he gets the baby out of you.

On this comment alone you know this man is unstable and violent and you have done the right thing to end this.

But I am a little unclear about why SS need to be involved with your baby?

You must feel very vunreable right now and distraught that history has repeated itself- do you have anyone in RL who can offer some support right now and come over so you can rest from this ordeal?

Original poster
Squiglettsmummy2bx · 25/08/2011 04:01

Thank you coco. I don't understand why ss wanted to be involved & feel the need to contact me but as he is the issue not me & I will be getting an injunction to keep him away I think they may just support me in keeping him away now. They have arranged a drug test for him in November supposedly to do with his boys but previously they didn't have funding so I think it is more to do with the baby & that he may have led them to believe he lives with me as his mums house is very undesirable but this isn't the case & when they contact me I will make that clear.
The getting the baby out of me part terrified me & I am awake now because I had a panic attack during the night.
I am going to speak to my mum in the morning, we are close & she is supportive but I know she is going to have words with me about letting my relationship go so far with him as to having a baby although she is as excited as we all are. I have kept a lot of the negative stuff of our relationship secret from her as I am embarrassed & ashamed but I need to get it into my head that he should be, not me.
Thank you again for your reply x

OP posts:
Cocoflower · 25/08/2011 04:14

I am sorry to hear about your panic attack- awful things but the trick is to stay as calm as possible to let them pass.

What he said is just disgusting.

When your in an awful realtionship like this it is quite normal to feel ashamed and cover the truth up from people. I think now is the time to confide everything to your mum and get it out in the open it sounds like she will support you.

Does he know where you are right now though? It would be best to try and escape and keep safe if you can xxx

Cocoflower · 25/08/2011 04:18

Also I wouldnt contact him about collecting the rest of his things.

TBH you need an injuction and the judge would question why you contacted him if he was that bad - plus it would be a bad idea for you own safety.

Get someone else to drop all the things off at his house asap - you do not want him coming near you xxx

Original poster
Squiglettsmummy2bx · 25/08/2011 09:34

Thank you coco. I will not be contacting him, just packing his belongings up & will ask a friend that drives to drop them to his mums.
He actually called me this morning, I answered the phone half asleep & he wanted to come round as he felt ill (hungover) I just told him to stay away & that I will call the police if he comes here. He asked why I have to act up? So it's still all me obviously! But he isn't coming here now so that is one weight off my mind although there are still many Sad
Going to have a pj day with my kids today as I am exhausted & the weather is rubbish.
Thank you again x

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 25/08/2011 10:07

Social Services are doing their job. He is a known risk. He has a history of violence and drugs, and has already been part of fucking up 3 childrens lives. SS would be failing in their duty if they did not want to keep an eye on another child that he has fathered.

I dont think you need anyone to tell you that this man is bad news. He sounds absolutely vile. :(

You are definately doing the right thing by ending the relationship. You must contact the police and report anything that he does which is threatening.

Original poster
Squiglettsmummy2bx · 25/08/2011 10:14

Thank you squeaky. I will do x

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 25/08/2011 11:26

Classic abuser.

Cut contact -- you are extremely vulnerable right now. Change your phone number to avoid having to listen to any of his threats/weadling for you to take him back/pretense that nothing is wrong and that you are over-reacting.

Bravo for involving the police when he became threatening last night. You did exactly the right thing. Keep protecting yourself and your DC like that.

Original poster
Squiglettsmummy2bx · 25/08/2011 11:47

Thank you it's me. I am bagging up anything he has here so it can be taken away & he then has no genuine excuse to contact me. I am waiting for my mum to come round regarding changing my number as I have had the contract since I was 14 so it is in her name. There is nothing he can say to get me to take him back now, I feel calm & strong & determined although I know I will flounder as we all naturally do but I have 2 amazing kids & my bump to keep me grounded & focused x

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 25/08/2011 11:51

You are indeed impressively strong and determined, Squiglet.

Do you have good support for those times when you will flounder -- friends, family, GP, ...?

RudeEnglishLady · 25/08/2011 12:16

Oh wow, how awful for you - but you have been incredibly strong. Seriously, what you did was very brave. Your children have a great Mum. Now just make sure he stays away! I'm not surprised SS are interested in the new baby based on your ex's history but the fact that you've turfed him out sends them a very strong and positive message.

wannaBe · 25/08/2011 12:28

social services will feel they need to get involved because he already has children he has been considered a risk to -- violence, drugs etc - if he's been at court he is not an innocent victim here.

Actually by throwing him out you may actually have just reduced SS' need to be a part of your life...

BooBooGlass · 25/08/2011 12:36

This is an awful situation and I'm sorry that you're going through it. Looking to the future though, i do think you need to address why you got invoved with such a person in the first place, Would you be willing to go to counselling to address this? Do you think you don't deserve better than this? It's very sad that you knew he had abandoned his other children, that he had been (is?) an addict, and you got involved with him anyway. I'm npot saying htat to make you feel worse btw, I think you just need to address why you have made that choice. I too have had a child with an utter loser. Havign counselling after he left has made sure that I will never get into that situation again, I deserve far better.

Original poster
Squiglettsmummy2bx · 25/08/2011 13:03

Thank you all. Unfortunately I did not know about his past until he had charmed me & I had fallen in love with them, I tried to walk away when I found out but struggled & he is very good at manipulating the truth to make everything someone elses fault but as he is doing this with me now it is clearer to see. I guess sometimes we only see & hear & believe what we want to? Also he had a clever way of putting me down & making me feel lucky to have him, no one else would want me etc etc. Eyes wide open now x

OP posts:
Original poster
Squiglettsmummy2bx · 25/08/2011 13:09

It's me I have a lovely mum & some close friends as well as a brother & sister, bil & nephews who I am not that close to but would be there for me if needed x

OP posts:
greengirl87 · 25/08/2011 13:10

he sounds like the kind of man who is NEVER wrong and its always someone elses fault! You are definatly doing the right thing getting rid of him for the sake of your life and your babies. He has a lot of growing up to do and needs to learn to take responsability for his actions!
Good luck with everything (im sending you strength)

Original poster
Squiglettsmummy2bx · 25/08/2011 13:15

Thank you greengirl. I think he has big drink & psychological issues & perhaps if he dealt with them he may b a better person but as he won't take responsibility he will never see the need to change & never will change. He can be someone elses problem now as I have tried all I can x

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 25/08/2011 14:06

Squiglett, just wondering: you say you have been in relationships with a violent man before your ex.

Did you follow any kind of counselling after leaving your DD's father?

Original poster
Squiglettsmummy2bx · 25/08/2011 16:19

My kids dad hit me once when I was pregnant with my DD 9 years ago. It never happened before or after & was the most out of the blue thing to ever happen but I never forgave him or trusted him again so after 3 years of trying & having my DS we separated. We are now good friends & he is a good dad to the kids but I could never get past what he did to be with him again. No other partner has ever been abusive & I never considered counselling although perhaps it would have been a good idea???

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 25/08/2011 16:21

On that basis I would say you do need counselling yes. You have picked 2 abusive men to have dc with. There will be an underlying reason why, and I'm guessing it's because you don't feel worth any better. If you sort that out, you'll never be with an abuser again. You owe it to your children even if you don't feel you owe it to yourself.

Cocoflower · 25/08/2011 16:29

The problem is the abuse only became apparent after she was pregnant.

I do not know why it is with some men, but it seems once they have 'trapped' their partner such as through pregnancy they then unleash their true, dangerous selfs despite being quite good partners before.

notsorted · 25/08/2011 16:35

Squiglett, you sound wonderfully strong after an awful incident. I know the thought of SS can be frightening, but if they get in contact then it may be worth your while asking the detail of the reason why. It gives you some knowledge that you might be able to use later ie if he wants contact with baby. You have done absolutely the right thing and there is nothing you have to worry about on your part.
If you need to get the stuff out, consider calling the police non-emergency no with crime no of earlier incident if you have it. They can arrange to be there if you have to have him on the doorstep or liaise handing over the stuff if needed. Keep strong

Original poster
Squiglettsmummy2bx · 25/08/2011 16:46

Thank you all. It is very much the case that the men switch when pregnant almost as if they feel I won't cope without them but funnily enough being pregnant makes me strong because I have that little person who I will defend at any cost. I have a friend who will hand over his belongings but if he wants them before that is possible I will get the police to be present as the officer yesterday said that was possible.
I will welcome ss with open arms as I am a great mum with nothing to hide & I know they will see that & will concentrate their attention on my ex which will help me immensely x

OP posts:
Cocoflower · 25/08/2011 16:50

I hope all goes well.

I would have being worried about SS too but now others have explained the reasons I dont think you have a worry and this will work in your favour now.

Please take some time out to look after yourself and your baby- and please have a good cry. I never cried in my situation. Not for months. It was the most unhealthy thing I could have done.

Take some time out to greive what has happened and find an outlet for your feelings- appropiate music helps! xxxx

Original poster
Squiglettsmummy2bx · 25/08/2011 17:12

Thank you coco & all of you. It has helped so much to have others to talk to.
My DD has gone to the theatre with a friend & my DS & his friend are playing nicely so I have settled down with chocolate & a good book to lose myself in. I will have a good cry later when I have fully digested everything mentally x

OP posts:
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