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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to deal with a husband like this?

33 replies

Horsemad · 22/08/2011 23:18

Husband has a very absorbing hobby, he is obsessed with (gets plenty of time to do his hobby). Yesterday, I had to forcefully insist that he participated in a 'family day' (youngest DC had asked if we could do something together as a family). Husband had been very noncommital about participating.

He didn't argue, we went and did our family thing had a good time, everyone enjoyed it. We got back home after a few hours out and all drifted off to our own thing; because one of the DC and myself wanted to go online, he disconnected the modem (which he bought) and refused to let us go online as it was apparently a 'family day' and in his words, he 'wasn't going to have us surfing when it was a 'family day'.'

Is he being unreasonable or not? He reinstated the modem late last night and I haven't seen him today as he's on nights so had left when I got home from work.

I feel aggrieved on several counts:

I rarely pressure him to spend time doing family stuff, so felt he could have put his hobby to one side for an afternoon.

I pay the internet connection bill, so feel miffed about this too!

And finally, what kind of example does this set to impressionable teens? If they did the 'it's mine so you are not using it' thing, I'd be telling them where they were going wrong!

Still feeling cross 24hrs later and will have to tackle this tomorrow.

OP posts:
SheCutOffTheirTails · 22/08/2011 23:21

He's a childish bully. How sad for your children to have a father who makes it so clear how little he likes spending time with them. :(

needanewname · 22/08/2011 23:22

He's being an arse and you need to talk to him.

needanewname · 22/08/2011 23:23

In fact I would have told him at the time he was being an arse and made sure he put it back, otherwise I'd be spending his money on a lot of other things.

GypsyMoth · 22/08/2011 23:29

controlling....what else does he control? i detect an underlying finances problem

SpeedyGonzalez · 22/08/2011 23:30

I'm a bit confused, I think I'm missing something here.

He disconnected the modem because he wanted you all to spend time together as a family. I agree with his rationale, though not his actions. He needs to read 'How To Talk...' and try some persuasion instead of confiscation! But you seem to be doubting that this was his real rationale - did it come across as a churlish, slightly stroppy thing when he removed the modem and explained his reasoning?

"And finally, what kind of example does this set to impressionable teens? If they did the 'it's mine so you are not using it' thing, I'd be telling them where they were going wrong!" - but he didn't say this, did he? He said (but perhaps didn't mean) he was removing it so that you could all spend time together.

On the face of it (i.e. before hearing your answers to my questions) it looks to me like he's done this as a sort of tit-for-tat action (i.e. his way of getting back at you for pressurising him into taking time away from his hobby). Is that what's upsetting you?

FabbyChic · 22/08/2011 23:30

He is a dick.

Original poster
Horsemad · 22/08/2011 23:36

Sara, yes, finances are a bone of contention. We have separate accounts, always have done and I know that will never change. He pays most bills, I work p/t and buy the food and pay for the kid's activities. He earns approx 5 times more than I do, he is f/t.

Speedy, he said he wasn't going to have us all going off to our own thing after the family thing when he'd been deprived of his hobby that day. Yes, I feel it's a tit for tat thing, and that is what's upsetting me.

OP posts:
SpeedyGonzalez · 22/08/2011 23:43

So he is being a prat, isn't he? It sounds like he's trying to reassert control. Sheesh. What a waste of energy. Your teenagers will see through this and think he's being a dick.

IMO this is the situation: you think he's behaved like a dick; he thinks his authority was undermined and that he's taken corrective action. You feel that you both need to have a conversation and hear each other out in a balanced way (that is what you're thinking, right? Of course right Wink). He, on the other hand, thinks the matter is closed.

You will start a conversation tomorrow following all the right advice from all the right books, opening with a question that allows him to bare his heart, listening intently and reflecting back, then expecting the same from him and instead he reacts either defensively/ with confusion - not understanding why you're going over this stuff when it's already been dealt with, etc etc. You'll end up snarling at each other and then storming off.

Sorry, no useful advice, just sympathy! Grin

Original poster
Horsemad · 22/08/2011 23:45

Speedy, have you experienced this?!!

OP posts:
KindKim · 22/08/2011 23:50

Sounds like you've been here before speedy, Smile
If your paragragh would fit on a t-shirt i'd get it printed and wear it, i certainly lived through it enough times....

....lot to be said for being single sometimes. Grin

Sorry op, i have no advice either but can cetainly relate to your situation. Wine

KindKim · 22/08/2011 23:51

*certainly, even.

SpeedyGonzalez · 22/08/2011 23:51

Ha ha ha! No, not this type of dickish behaviour. But circular arguments like this are pretty much de rigueur in hetero couple households these days, aren't they? Wink

SpeedyGonzalez · 22/08/2011 23:52

Chortle at Kim!

And yes, commisserations, HorseMad! Wine

AmyStake · 22/08/2011 23:55

Your DC asked for you all to do something as family for one day and your DH had a strop? Hmm

What's his hobby? I bet it's golf!

Original poster
Horsemad · 23/08/2011 00:02

Amy, don't want to say, as it could identify me but it's along the Natural History line - think walking through nature reserves and stuff like that!

Really he's just a boring bastard!

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 23/08/2011 00:11

If you ring up your ISP - the one you pay for - and threaten to switch, they'll send you a lovely new modem for free. Or I can send you one of my boxful of old ones! Then 'God' won't be able to go "That's MYYYY modem, YOOOOOU can't use it coz I SAY so and it's mine, ner ner ner" Hmm

Sadly I haven't got a boxful of spare husbands; the one you have seems to be malfunctioning quite severely. Shove his modem up his arse, see if that reboots him.

garlicbutter · 23/08/2011 00:14

It really does stink that's he's made it so clear to his children that he considers spending time with them an ordeal. Poor kids.

Original poster
Horsemad · 23/08/2011 00:15

Oh garlic, that has made me laugh!!!!!!!!!! He is a prize dick, isn't he? I wonder if he goes to sleep each night happy about how he conducts himself!!

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 23/08/2011 00:19

Happy to oblige Wink

Curiousmama · 23/08/2011 00:20

It's good you can laugh Smile Yes he is a prize dick.

Don't see him changing anytime soon though sadly?

Original poster
Horsemad · 23/08/2011 00:24

Curious, I don't think he'll change EVER! Still.... I might one day and then he can stuff off!

OP posts:
MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 23/08/2011 00:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Curiousmama · 23/08/2011 00:25

Grin Well I did and I stuffed off and left him to it. Although exdh's hobby wasn't so wholesome!

Original poster
Horsemad · 23/08/2011 00:25

Ha, can you say what his hobby was?!

OP posts:
Curiousmama · 23/08/2011 00:29

Not really tbh I've just unearthed it. Very long story would need to namechange! But it all adds up now. He's still an ok bloke just lying twat Grin

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