Getting back with H after DV

[canweworkitout]

Split with DH early this year due to a one-off issue of DV on his part. He has slept with one woman since and I am in a new relationship with someone else but he came round tonight and we shared the most incredible kiss. He initiated it but I didn't attempt to stop him.

I have been considering giving it another try for a while but my friends say what he did is unforgivable. I still feel hurt but I cannot imagine life without him and I have never stopped loving him.

Is there anyone else here who has been in a similar situation and it has worked out? Or is this completely crazy?

Took me a long time to realise (and believe me I clung onto any hope there was of mine being able /wanting to change) that abusers are simply wired a different way and so abuse will always be their default setting. Really really hard to accept when you're in the midst of it and want that so badly to be true! But they don't change. Its like someone trying to change the very essence of who they are.

I can't comment on a one off incident where someone simply cracked as I have no experience of that... but I do think that those supposedly 'one off' incidents with nothing else are very rare..

LGA ... ... i hope your dp never ever hits you again .
However i think you dont really get that men do commit dv , hurt , maim and even kill their wives/girlfriends /children.

I also have personal experience of "forgiving" a violent partner .

Everytime i forgave him , he swore there would never be a next time.
He lied , and every next time was worse than the last.

The last time he hit me , was infront of our 3 children who were 7 4 and 2yrs old. I tried to fight back , he became so enraged he smashed the wardrobe and began to beat me with the wood broken off.
Then he pinned me to the floor.....the only reason i got away was i had left high heels out on the bedroom floor and i managed to hit him in the eye with it. I ran from the house screaming , my oldest daughter had managed to get the toddlers out....she was 7.
For years afterwards , my son would tell me he was going to grow up and hit his daddy.My middle daughter is still afraid of her dad, and jumps at the slightest noise.

9 years on i still would not be alone in a room with that man...because i dont doubt he would lift his hands if my now DH (who is twice his size) wasnt always with me when ex-h arrives to collect the children for his court ordered access.

I have no doubt that he would have seriously hurt me or the kids had i stayed with him.

Sorry xposted
What JanMorrow said..

if you feel you can feel safe, nutured, loved, cared for by him.. if you feel you can argue points with him without feeling scared, if you feel he is the one person in the world who will do his best to protect you from harm and be your partner in life, who enriches your life and makes you happy.. then yes, go back to him.
Brilliantly put and a great question to ask yourself if ever in doubt..

My first memory is of being taken from the family home, with my younger brother, in a police car because my dad had beaten my mum up. Again. I was about 4. My brother was 2. I got to watch the violence and aftermath until I left home - as soon as I could. I can still almost taste the fear if I think about it.

Anyone advocating staying with a violent partner is an idiot. I appreciate this was a "one off" but why would give someone a second chance to hurt you?

What's the difference between a one-off and the first?

good point.. has to start somewhere

canweworkitout, it is indeed very difficult to know when it is a one of or if it is the first of a long string of DV.

I really think that you should not base your actions on one kiss. because it is just that, a kiss.
I believe you really need to take your time and go and see a counsellor who knows about DV, emotional abuse etc... You need someone who knows about that subject inside out because it is very difficult as the victim to actually see what is going on and assess 'how bad' your partner's reactions are. I didn't see that my H was abusive. I thought it was all my fault. Most people on here, who have been though much serious abuse than I, have not always realized how bad it was for a long time. So get some help from a specialist.

You do need to have a very close look at your relationship before taking any decision about it. Even without an abusive partner, you need to be fully sure that he is the right one for you because otherwise you are putting so much in jeopardy.
I am also worried you don't mention anything about him and if he is trying to change, looking at the reasons why he hit you etc... If he doesn't know the trigger, how will he be able to ensure that it won't happen again?
Yes of course, he can change. And yes it might be a one off but you need to be sure of that and he needs to be sure about it too.

colditz thank you for that post!

It reminded me how things should be and it can be achieved, that it's not just a fantaisy.