Getting back with H after DV

[canweworkitout]

Split with DH early this year due to a one-off issue of DV on his part. He has slept with one woman since and I am in a new relationship with someone else but he came round tonight and we shared the most incredible kiss. He initiated it but I didn't attempt to stop him.

I have been considering giving it another try for a while but my friends say what he did is unforgivable. I still feel hurt but I cannot imagine life without him and I have never stopped loving him.

Is there anyone else here who has been in a similar situation and it has worked out? Or is this completely crazy?

so, so true colditz

There is life without him; a better one.

A decent DH/DP would have never laid a finger on you in the first place.

The incredible kiss is a fantasy and will not last and what you will be left with is more of the same as what you had before.... and some.

What these ladies are saying is true, please please please don't go back.

Op buy this book. It was quite literally my light bulb moment..........

@canweworkitout:

Ignore all of the comments bar one (relate) as usual the bitter and twisted out there scream ?don?t take him back?. These are people that don?t know you or the dynamics of your relationship. You had a one-off DV incident and now they scream for his blood!!

Your ?friends? are not so forgiving either. What the fuck has it got to do with them? A real friend would offer comfort, sit on the fence and be there for you should it all go wrong not telling you to make life changing decisions and then go back to their own dysfunctional relationships. If the truth was known half of them will be in the divorce courts arguing about nectar points at some point.

And for Christ sake don?t buy the book ?Power and control? that harressed suggested. Why? Good question, take a look at the link and see the titles of the books that other people brought. Every one of them an emotive, catchy statement designs to get your money written by relatively unknown authors who are out to make a few pounds. But when you look through you will see of the 24 books there is only around 8 authors. Why? Because they know what earns them money and if you research them you will find many are divorce or single. I have; So much for their pseudo-science crap.

Get rid of the new relationship and spend some time thinking what you really want. And should you chose yes whatever you do take time out to talk and really understand each other. My ex spent two years chasing me. We had a small child (one-off DV incident) and I was unsure but we did get back together and now seven years later with one more child we have never been so happy with each other and life. Good luck!!

About the only part of lga's post I agree with is 'get rid of the new relationship and spend some time thinking about what you really want'. You have 'moved on' in a relatively short space of time and if a kiss from your ex is enough to make you consider giving him another chance then I don't think your head is in the right place for a relationship right now. Be kind to yourself and take things slowly.

The rest of lga's post is, quite frankly, rude and rather twisted. So it worked for you. That's great. Don't slag off other people who are offering advice based on their experiences. I am neither bitter, nor twisted, nor is my 20 year old marriage the least bit dysfunctional, but if a friend of mine had told me what you've posted, OP, I wouldn't hestitate to question the wisdom of returning to him.

LGA says 'what the fuck do your friends know?' - a damn sight more than LGA does, seeing as how they've lived with you through it all!

Hope you're ok, OP, and take your time. There's no stopwatch on this one, you can move at a pace that's comfortable for you. Don't let him dictate it.

LGA's "advice" is actually dangerous

She is actually advocating that OP should go against all indications that getting back with him is a really bad idea...the OP's own misgivings, RL friend's (who know them both) warnings and the unbiased opinions of a bunch of strangers who have no emotional investment in her relationship at all

I think her post is the one to swerve, tbqh

That's hilarious, LGA - in what way was my post bitter and twisted? I'm certainly not bitterand twisted, I am delighted to have a boyfriend that doesn't treat me like something he trod in.

A man who has physically abused his partner CAN change, but he has to want to and he has to put the effort in. And not all men that are physically abusive are habitual abusers. Sometimes it really can be a much regretted one off mistake. The difficulty is finding out.

I agree that you should end your current relationship because you have said that you still love your ex and that one kiss was enough for you to consider giving it another go. Regardless of whether you are ready to move on, keeping your boyfriend hanging on is unfair and he deserves the chance to find someone else. But I dont think that you should say "ok, lets get back together". Rather, you should say "Ok, lets start working at what we need to do to see if we can get back together at some point in the future"

That means Relate for both of you, counselling for you on your own to focus on why you want him back and whether it is really the right thing to do and anger management for him. Respect is an organisation that helps abusers change their behaviour. It is limited in which areas it serves and he may have to do some travelling to get to your nearest meeting, but if he wants it to work then he will do that.

Dont say yes just yet, but keep the door open and see how he reacts to your suggestion of outside help and the help itself.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

@canweworkitout:

I am guilty of intentional foresight of the reasons for using ?bitter and twisted?. Of course I don?t think they are bitter and twisted. How could I? I don?t know them so therefore it is not my remit to prejudge. But just like the titles to the books that have been mention they are emotive words designed to achieve a certain action. When I wrote them I knew that certain posters would come back no longer looking to offer unbiased, constructive advice but would firstly look to defend their own position and then attack anyone who differs from their POV. And that is what they have done and really hopes that you can see that so that you don?t get swayed by what your heart is telling you. But then you still need to engage your brain as well and be practical and no person has summed it up better than Bogeyface. She sits on the fence and offers practical advice with statements to support her POV. Print it out and leave a copy on the fridge.

A word of caution, however, relate do not see couples together if there has been DV (something I totally disagree with) and don?t assume that relate is the saviour on its own. Remember it is only a branded organisation whose ?counsellors? are you and I and there are many bad ones as well as good ones and sometimes they can do more harm than good. The real change will come from within you and your ex. As Bogeyface says ??.CAN change, but he has to want to and he has to put the effort in?.

MITMOO wow!!what a moving poem that is.
It put goose bumps on my arms.

Relate won't see couples where there has been DV because abusers don't react the same to counselling as normal, reasonable people. LGA perhaps the DV incident in your relationship was a true one off, not part of a pattern of abuse, but most are a culmination of other forms of abuse.

OP I would not be considering going back to him and especially not now, you are really very vulnerable. What you need now is time away from him, or any relationship, to rediscover who you are. Do you really want to go back to having to hide away parts of yourself? Do you want to go back to treading on eggshells every time you want to bring up something which is bothering you? You need time on your own to explore these things. It has been over 18 months since I left my ex and it has taken me a long time to rediscover old pastimes I used to love. Now I am able to do them openly, I wonder why I ever let them go - they are such a big part of who I am. When I was with ex I was nothing in my own right. I was His and that was what defined me, no wonder I struggled when I left him. No wonder you are wavering now. But you can rediscover who you really are. At the moment you are craving him because you associate your self with him, without him you feel empty. Am I getting close at all?

Really really and truly you can rebuild your sense of self without him, and once you have a strong sense of self, that will shine out of you and the men you attract won't be these emotional vampire types, but real, alive, interesting, exciting, kind, caring people who see this light in you and love it. Even the annoying bits, or the wobbly bits, or the weird bits. But you need to get there first. Stay strong. This is your life. You only get one! Spend it being your own person, not some puppet for someone else to decide. You can do it :)

LGA is actually talking shit!! And dangerous shit at that. I presume she's never been in this situation.

The book I recommended is written by Sandra Horley from Refuge. Google her, she's incredibly experienced and knowledgeable. She quite rightly points out that abuse is not all about violence, there many other forms.

I went to Relate with xh, he sat there and lied. When he's saying one thing and I'm saying the polar opposite, how can it possibly work?? Not Relate's fault, but his for being so manipulative. Relate on my own was however amazing, plus much counselling after our break up.

We split up 4 or 5 times over the 15 years we were together, always as a result of violence. I always took him back on the promise of it never happening again, and it always did eventually. But they're not daft these men, it started with small amounts of manipulation building up to a physical assault.

I spent 15 years with xh.....what a waste! I will do anything I can to stop someone else going through that.

Unfortunatley LGA most people who indulge in abusive behaviour do not change; they get comfortable when they have won back their 'possession' and revert to type.

OPs H should have been giving her incredible kisses everyday instead of a DV incident and IMO will in all probability do it again.

I think OPs friends are probably a very good judge of what went on and your comments only serve to fire up the desire in OP which is as AF said; dangerous.

Did he ask if he could kiss you OP; or just pounce when your defences were down?

I'd put money on him pouncing SirSugar.

Allow me to remind everyone of the following:

"Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to help in cases of domestic violence, and Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide which can point you to expert advice and support."

OP, please, please, please contact Woman's Aid, discuss the whole situation with them. They are trained. They are not bitter or twisted, and they do not advocate any course of action that will put you in further danger either

While you are at it, why not call Relate and ask them if they counsel couples where abuse is present?

?LGA is actually talking shit!! And dangerous shit at that. I presume she's never been in this situation?. Ahm?.if you read my posting correctly you will see that I have been there and with a very happy ending. I don?t need to Google Sandra Horley as I know who she is but you miss the point completely and I am not sure you are capable of even beginning to understand as that requires an open mind. Blame and poor me syndrome are things to be left at the front door when two adults are trying to unravel where their relationship went wrong. There are degrees of DV committed by both men and women and whilst some require the significant other to be removed from their life straight away the OP has not indicated that this is the case with her. So does she run away and look backwards always wondering ?what if? or does she explore in an adult rational way if there is room for compromise?

?Unfortunatley LGA most people who indulge in abusive behaviour do not change; they get comfortable when they have won back their 'possession' and revert to type?. Sorry but have to disagree. It?s too general a statement backed up with no peer reviews studies and only serves to alarm and distress. As adults if we do not look to explore beyond main stream hysteria we inevitably stay in the same place and that is not a good place to grow from.

There is "no room for compromise" where domestic violence is concerned

it should be one chance and you are out, as far as I am concerned

taking someone back who has crossed such a line is (in the majority of cases) a terrible mistake, particularly in OP's case who it appears can be swayed by just a kiss

telling someone like this, who is obviously very vulnerable, to "compromise" is very likey to open her up to whole word of new pain

bad, bad advice

I would rather tell someone to stay safe (and stay away) than add to the guilt trip that society already places on women to try and pacify and subsume themselves to violent men, because that is a "woman's role"

it isn't, and it should never be, for someone who has been subject to an violent attack, their responsibility to compromise themselves in this way

Anyfucker I have read many of your postings over time and cannot for the life of me recall one that did not have a strong undertone of aggression. It saddens me that you are not able to think outside the box but perhaps if you learnt how to step back and not pontificate your views you may find some balance.

LGA, I don't take your comments on my "aggression" at all seriously when you are advocating that a vulnerable woman should ignore all misgivings (including her own) to "compromise" wrt to letting a violent man back into her life

my balance is perfectly poised

zero tolerance for domestic violence

if that were the case in our society we would have many fewer cases of frightened, battered women who cannot/dare not find the help they require (one in four women will experience DV in their lifetime) and perhaps not have the 2 women per week who are killed by their partner.

LGA I'm very open-minded where violence is concerned.... it's unacceptable. And I seem to be far more capable of understanding the effects of DV, and the repercussions that follow the broken family for many years afterwards.

"zero tolerance for domestic violence

if that were the case in our society we would have many fewer cases of frightened, battered women who cannot/dare not find the help they require (one in four women will experience DV in their lifetime) and perhaps not have the 2 women per week who are killed by their partner."

I'm in total agreement with AF.

It took me years to get out of my particular situation as I was battered mentally and physically to the stage where there was no fight left. There are so many women out there who are functioning on a day to day basis, but in reality are living in fear. It's not right, and advice like LGA's just encourages vulnerable women to put themselves back in a position of danger (be it mentally and/or physically).

Come on lovely ladies, you can see what 'her' agenda is, she's deliberately baiting the lot of you. It was obvious from her first post.

If she has the experience/qualifications to be taken seriously, she wouldn't be saying what she's saying.

Please don't allow her to derail the thread any further? Ignore, eventually she will find someone else to bait.

Right, ignoring all the twaddle coming from a certain direction here, I shall address the first post.

My best friend was in your situation. She was with her partner for 4 years and had a baby with him, and then he was made redundant and his moods and personality started changing. He got another job but his attitude still didn't change and during an argument about something fairly trivial, he pushed her over and then kicked her. She was astounded and fled to my house and consequently split up with him. He was really remorseful and begged her to give him another chance. She did consider it at length (because she did still love him and they had a child together) and did sleep with him a couple of times.. she was messed up and missed the intimacy, the familiarity etc.

I advised her to do what she felt was right for her and if she thought she could trust him and that she'd feel safe, nurtured and happy with him then by all means get back together with him. Internally, I didn't want her to go back to him- he'd violated her trust and really hurt her both physically and emotionally and I hated him for that.. but I left it up to her.

In the end she decided that she deserved someone she could be happy and feel safe with, who she would not be treading on eggshells around etc. Why waste time on someone who has betrayed your trust so badly? Even if you still have some love for them? She decided she didn't want her little boy to ever witness DV or think that it was ok.. so she made the split final.

She's got a FABULOUS partner now who is just so blimmin lovely I could cry.

So after that waffle, if you feel you can feel safe, nutured, loved, cared for by him.. if you feel you can argue points with him without feeling scared, if you feel he is the one person in the world who will do his best to protect you from harm and be your partner in life, who enriches your life and makes you happy.. then yes, go back to him. If not.. then no, and build a better life for yourself.