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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

ending my marriage

33 replies

ilovegordons · 19/08/2011 22:53

I really don't know how to do this. How do i tell my husband of 15 years that i'm not in love with him and want us to seperate ? If i'm honest i havent loved him for a few years now but as we have 2 children i thought it was best to try and carry on. The truth is that i'm in love with someone else and this other person feels the same. The other person is infact my very first boyfriend from 20 years ago. He broke my heart then by marrying my best friend, His marriage has since ended and he is now single. I've always had feelings for this first love. he has told me that he wants us to be together and will wait for me. I know this may sound really selfish but surely i have the right to have a happy life ? Staying married isn't making me happy so isn't it right to end it ? Also, is it fair for my husband to be with someone that doesnt love him ?

OP posts:

staryeyed · 19/08/2011 23:03

I would be very wary of getting with someone who got with your best friend after being with you. He may seem like an exciting alternative to your husband after years of marriage when passion fizzles out, but reality is never the same.

Can you try to work on your marriage?

timetosmile · 19/08/2011 23:12

There's a big difference between being 'in love' (feeling) and loving someone (choosing to behave toward them in a loving way -active verb).

I completely understand (also married 14yrs) that 15 years into a marriage there's a slump in romantic feeling, when it's been buried deep beneath the ironing/mortgage/broken nights/hard work/bits of lego.

I can't pretend to know your situation, but if it didn't work out for you and this other guy first time round, maybe it was for a reason?

Does you husband have any inkling of your feelings? Have you started seeing the 'other man' regularly?

Could you get some counselling (yourself, or marriage guidance) or at least let me recommend the Sixty Minute Marriage by Rob Parsons, which is a quick and easy read, though v thoughtful too, and has been really valuable to me.

Hope it works out well for you and the family x

Original poster

ilovegordons · 19/08/2011 23:15

You're right, he is exciting and he pays me compliments which my husband never does. Am i thinking that the grass will be greener ? On the other hand, i am truly not happy and do not see how the marriage will work. I can't stop thinking of this other person and my marriage was in trouble for years before he came on the seen.

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lydiamama · 19/08/2011 23:23

I do not think you should be putting a third person here, especially this guy, he left you for your best friend??? if it did not work once, there are huge chances that it will not. If I were you I would wipe him away from my life, and then think again about my marriage. It can be that the rutine has taken over you, and maybe if your husband will pay you compliments you will feel happy again??? Anyway, if you carry on with you ex boyfriend, it will look like you left your husband and children for an affair, and no like you found someone else after your marriage was broken IYSWIM.

Original poster

ilovegordons · 19/08/2011 23:23

thanks timetosmile. I will have a read of that. My husband works away for 6 months of the year, 3 mths away and then 3 mths home. I literally bumped into this other person 3 mths ago and there were definitely feelings between us. We have been txting and talking to each other for the past 3 mths and have met up on a couple of occasions. My husband has been away for the past 6 weeks and before leaving he said that i had been acting differently. I dont think he has any inkling that something is going on but at the same time i'm not sure he would ask me, i think he would probably bury his head and hope that it all gets better. Whilst i understand what you say about not working out the first time round, we were only teenagers. We have both said to one another that we feel this is right and is meant to be.

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bramblina · 19/08/2011 23:31

I would suggest that you think about your marriage and the other man separately, in their own right.
Marriage, if you're not happy, go. Not because you have found someone else, but because you are not happy and do not see it changing. Why did you not leave before you met the other man? I would say your dh deserves at least that you leave for the right reasons- IYSWIM.
Other man, once you have made your decision about your marriage then decide do you want him, or did you just want him as a "better" option? If you do still want him then there probably is a chance you want him for the right reasons and there may be something genuine there.
HTH

Original poster

ilovegordons · 19/08/2011 23:32

lydiamama i know what you mean. the thing is i can't stop thinking of ex boyfriend. My heart stops and my tummy turns over when i see his name on my phone. Theres just something about him that i can't live without. i keep trying to say to myself that its not going to work with my ex and that i'll end up single, but i'd rather be single than in an unhappy marriage.

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staryeyed · 19/08/2011 23:33

Going from marriage straight inti a relationship is rarely an answer.

I think you shouldnt be comparing the two men as equal options -you havent been with this other guy for 15 years and argued about housework/ money/ childcare and all the other mundane things that come with a marriage.

Having this guy waiting in the wings is clouding your judgement. You need think of this situation in different parts;

1- can i work things out with my husband? If not then i think you need some time to get your head straight and just be.

Then

2- Is the other man a viable option as a partner? Do you want to start up something that hasnt worked previously? What was the reason for your initial breakup with this man? Why as his marriage not worked out?

staryeyed · 19/08/2011 23:35

Xposted with everyone taking so ling to post

staryeyed · 19/08/2011 23:37

affairs are exciting by nature the secrecy, no commitmentsetc

timetosmile · 19/08/2011 23:38

It's so hard when DH works away isn't it - mine does too, but not for such extended periods of time.

Sometimes it can feel that you are a lone parent managing everything and then this chap pops up for a while, but there's not the sense of teamwork you'd hoped for your marriage/parenting?

In your last post, you say (about this other chap) that there were 'feelings' between you and you 'feel' that this is right......but feelings are transitory (as yousay about you not 'feeling' in love with DH) and it sounds as if taking a step back from this new/possible relationship and thinking through what you would really want for you (and of course you children's) future in terms of facts, as well as your current feelings.

Maybe I could also recommend the Marriage Book by Nicky and Sila Lee...it has little question sections at the end of the chapters, and there's also a DVD to go with it, I think. Maybe you and DH could positively use your weeks apart to look at a couple of chapters each, alone, then have a good discussion about them over a pizza when he is back home?

staryeyed · 19/08/2011 23:39

Also have you told ypur husband how unhappy you are? Have you told hi. What hw could do to meet your needs/ make you happy?

Original poster

ilovegordons · 19/08/2011 23:40

thank you bramblina. I am not happy in my marriage for lots of reasons. I don't think we ever really loved one another. Our marriage has never really been exciting, we've just bubbled along. Its only now when i look at other peoples marriages that i realise i want more from life and my Dh cant give me what i want.

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staryeyed · 19/08/2011 23:55

What do you want? What do you see in other peoples marriages that makes you doubt your own?

Original poster

ilovegordons · 19/08/2011 23:56

Thank you again timetosmile and staryeyed. No, i havent told DH recently how i feel, i didn't think it would be fair on him to have this conversation whilst he's working away. I've told him in the past that i'm not happy but i guess we've tried to get things back on track and i've thought that its probably best to stay together.

I am 100% sure that i no longer what to be married but if i'm honest i'm not 100% sure that i want a relationship with my ex.

I know that affairs are exciting but my DH just doesnt do anything for me. I can't see how we can make our marriage work. I cant bear the thought of him coming home to our house let alone sharing a bed together.

husband is home in 5-6 weeks. I am going to tell him that i'm not happy and want this to end.

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EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 20/08/2011 00:08

You're lonely, your DH works away for months at a time and that has meant that you have to be self sufficient. It probably feels like a bit of an intrusion having him at home sometimes. Into that situation has come a former teenage boyfriend, who's reminded you of what it felt like being passionately in love - that feeling when you see his name on your phone and get butterflies in your stomach. It's like you've been granted a second chance.

You're not a teenager though. You are an adult with two children and a DH. This man has crashed back into your life and it all seems meant to be, but it's been 3 months. You've met up 'on a couple of occasions.' You've rightly said that when he left you before you were teens and that was a long time ago. It was. Do you really know the man he's become? It must be hard to separate the feelings of nostalgia and the sense of freedom he represents from the adult man. Will he seem as appealing when you're living with him and arguing about who moved his keys?

If you feel that you are not happy in your marriage then do something about it. If you want out, then split. If you want to try and see if it can be fixed, talk with your DH. If you feel unfulfilled then think about what you want from your life. Don't rest all your happiness on another relationship that's barely even started. Even if it is meant to be, it could get crushed under the weight if you try to go from leaving a marriage to a full on thing so quickly. I doubt two unhappy children are the ideal accompaniment to a fledgling relationship.

staryeyed · 20/08/2011 00:09

Are you sure that you are not speaking out of resentment? Is it the working away? I know when resemtment builds in my relationship it hides the love i feel for dp.

FabbyChic · 20/08/2011 00:12

Everybody has the right to be happy, and no one should stay in a relationship for the sake of the children, or because they are worried about the other partner. You have to remember that they deserve to be with someone who wants to be with them, it's unfair on them too staying with them if you no longer care.

Collaborate · 20/08/2011 00:12

OP - could you look your children in the face if you leave their father for this infatuation? Cos that's what it sounds like it is.

WonderMa · 20/08/2011 00:27

Everybody has the right to be happy, and no one should stay in a relationship for the sake of the children

IMO the children's right to happiness should be a priority and I am sure they will be very unhappy that their mother has broken up their family because she was bored with their father and fancied the excitement of a shag with an old boyfriend. Very, very selfish. You chose to have DC with your husband and if he is not abusive to you or your children, you need to sort things out with him and forget about anyone else. You loved him once after all?

Speaking as a child of a broken marriage, which massively affected me and I still carry the anxiety of as an adult, I find it hard to understand how anyone could fuck up their DCs lives for the sake of THEIR own 'happiness'. .

Original poster

ilovegordons · 20/08/2011 00:32

evenlessnarkypuffin you are so right. I know that i want out of my marriage, i'm not in love with my DH. Its not fair for me to stay with him, he deserves to be with someone that loves him. Regarding the ex, i have always had feelings for him, as he's a friend of the families i have seen him over the past 20 years but probably only a dozen times. We've both said to one another that when we bumped into one another back in May we both felt there was something between us, that we needed to see each other again. We've spoken almost everyday since then, we've been out on our own 5/6 times and have 'accidently' bumped into each other when we've had our children with us, he has 2 children also.

staryeyed no, i don't resent him working away, i actually look forward to it, that sounds really harsh doesnt it?

fabbychic yes, everyone does have the right to be happy, so surely if im not happy i should do something about it?

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EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 20/08/2011 00:34

'You chose to have DC with your husband and if he is not abusive to you or your children, you need to sort things out with him and forget about anyone else'

No-one should stay in a marriage 'for the sake of the children' if they're unhappy. Would you suggest she sucks it up until they're 18 and then walks? Bollocks. Parents are human beings not martyrs.

I wouldn't go from one relationship straight into another with children around because it isn't likely to be good for them or the relationship. I wouldn't stay in an unhappy marriage either.

Original poster

ilovegordons · 20/08/2011 00:42

wonderma i too am from a broken marriage, my parents split around 30 years ago so i know that it's not nice. it was not a happy place to be and the best thing to happen was my parents splitting up. i have a great relationship with both my parents and their new partners with whom they have both been married to for over 20 years. Whilst it may sound extremely selfish, i want to be happy too, what am i going to achieve by staying with someone that i don't love anymore ? Thank you for your opinion.

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carpwidow · 20/08/2011 00:44

I kept bumping into an ex-boyfriend and getting feelings for him, but then realised that my feelings weren't really for him, they were just yearning for the past and wanting to relive it all and had nothing to do with ex. Just reminiscing .

Original poster

ilovegordons · 20/08/2011 00:49

carpwidow i have thought this too, but how do i know the difference ? At the moment i am an emotional wreck. Am checking my phone all day for the one text message from ex and then trying to avoid DH phone calls. i really don't know what to do for the best.

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