ending my marriage

[ilovegordons]

I really don't know how to do this. How do i tell my husband of 15 years that i'm not in love with him and want us to seperate ? If i'm honest i havent loved him for a few years now but as we have 2 children i thought it was best to try and carry on. The truth is that i'm in love with someone else and this other person feels the same. The other person is infact my very first boyfriend from 20 years ago. He broke my heart then by marrying my best friend, His marriage has since ended and he is now single. I've always had feelings for this first love. he has told me that he wants us to be together and will wait for me. I know this may sound really selfish but surely i have the right to have a happy life ? Staying married isn't making me happy so isn't it right to end it ? Also, is it fair for my husband to be with someone that doesnt love him ?

It's an attention thing I think. I have been a slave to my mobile - waiting for texts - your heart races, your stomach lurches, but you barely really know the person that is sending the texts - it's just a feelgood thing. Your relationship with ex was years ago - I think you're probably romanticising. I'm not a physcologist - just talking from own personal experience. It's hard.

carpwidow you're so right, my DH never pays me any compliments or shows much interest in me. In the 15 years that ive been married i have never looked at anyone else and have never had anyone else show interest in me. Then out of the blue 'my first love' shows interest in me and it makes you feel good. The thing is why am i sat here in tears at the thought of not seeing my ex ever again ? Even the thought of my DH paying me compliments makes me feel sick, its not him that i want to be with. Its so hard :(

I've sent you a PM OP- hope you can see it.

You said you were unhappy before the ex came on the scene, what was causing that? If it was lack of attention then your ex is just someone who is filling that gap rather than the right person. I suggest you go for counselling - work out what YOU want, what makes you happy and then end your marriage.

The loss you feel about the other man is highlighting the emotional hurts you have, the need for closeness, attention etc. Someone I know was in a similar situation, she left her h for an old flame, moved him straight in with her DCs (had also done the accidentally bumping into each other with DCs). The honeymoon phase soon worn off. The new bf isn't Mr Wonderful and she's still very unhappy - what she really needed to do (and everyone around her told her) was to have a period of time alone, go to counselling and then start a new relationship - maybe 2 years down the line.
As hard as it is - end your relationship with the ex even if you feel heartbroken and get yourself to counselling. This is the responsible action to take and your DCs deserve that.

i keep trying to say to myself that its not going to work with my ex and that i'll end up single, but i'd rather be single than in an unhappy marriage.

I was going to ask you that, for me that's your answer.

The loss you feel about the other man is highlighting the emotional hurts you have, the need for closeness, attention etc

Smum You put that so much more eloquently than me: that is exactly what I was trying to say in my earlier post.

My advice would be to talk to your husband and tell him you are considering a separation. Give him a chance to rebuild things. If after a decent amount of time you still feel the same, separate but have some time on your own before you jump into bed a relationship with your ex.

Thanks for your comments everyone - TBH i'm really confused. Theres just something about my ex that i cant resist. I don't think its just the attention he is giving me as i'm sure i wouldnt feel the same if it was just some random guy paying me attention. It's been really hard speaking with my H when he has called as i really don't want to speak to him. That sounds really mean as he really hasn't done anything wrong, its just that i dont fancy him anymore, i've fallen out of love with him, i find him boring.

Will wait for H to get home(5wks to go) and then try and tell him how i feel. I know that trying to make it work would be the right thing to do but i dont think i can.