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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Seeing 2 guys at once.... Confused and feeling bad...

33 replies

naughtyorouttacontrol · 16/08/2011 19:30

I have been seeing Mr E for 8months, we are not in a committed relationship (due to me not wanting to commit, not him). After seeing him for 3months I found out he had been seeing someone else. I continued to see him as felt he had not cheated on me due to the fact that I did not want to commit to him. Recently I have started to wonder if I love him. When we spend time together I fell like I may love him. But I also feel that he is not the right person for me. so that is why I do not want to commit. But I do like him as a person and do care about him. He has also implied that he loves me, but has not said it out right.

Recently I met Mr G. He seems like a nice guy and like he would treat me well. But its very early days, we have been on a few dates and slept together once.

Now I am feeling bad for Mr E, as I do not want to hurt him or lead him on, but I do like him. And I also want to see how things could go with Mr G.

I have never cheated on anyone before (although I have not said I am exclusive with either of them) so I am not sure if it is cheating or not?

But I have been cheated on, and would feel very bad if either of them found out and felt hurt by my actions.

I would just like to know what others think of this situation and get it off my chest really.

OP posts:

whomovedmychocolate · 16/08/2011 19:32

Dump Mr E, there is no E in Mr Right but there is a G

Seriously, I cannot process more than one relationship at once and I'd find it icky to be sleeping with two men at once but each to their own. I'd dump Mr E. Your gut says he is not the man for you.

MrsHicks · 16/08/2011 19:34

I don't think there's anything wrong with seeing more than one person at a time as long as it's completely consensual all around and safe.

So really I think the only thing to do is to speak to both of them honestly and see where you go from there.

Original poster

naughtyorouttacontrol · 16/08/2011 19:40

whomoved - I know this sounds so selfish, but i feel like i dont want to dump Mr E, as I like him and like having him around. and I might only be seeing Mr G for another week or 2, who knows as its very early days.

MrsHicks - so you mean tell Mr E that I do not see a future with us and that I'm sleeping with someone else? I would find that very difficult, as he would be quite shocked to hear that I want to be seeing 2 people at once.

OP posts:

keynesian · 16/08/2011 20:07

Be honest with both or else you'll never be able to have a truthful relationship with either.

And make sure you're using condoms just in case they have similar morals to yours.

AnyFucker · 16/08/2011 20:09

keynesian...out of order

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 16/08/2011 20:14

keynesian - how are things in the 19th century?

keynesian · 16/08/2011 20:14

Why out of order? It wasn't a judgement just a suggestion of a sensible precaution.

Substitute another word or phrase for morals if you want... habits? routines? ethics?

AnyFucker · 16/08/2011 20:16

of course it was a judgement or why phrase it like you did ?

don't back off now, stick by your lofty principles, why dontcha

Xales · 16/08/2011 20:16

I sort of agree with key. As long as everyone is informed and in agreement keep them both on the go until you know if you want an exclusive relationship with either or neither.

Also yes condoms are a must. If as has happened, E is happy to sleep with other women (and may be G too) and it is not a problem for you, you need to protect yourself as it is widening the risk.

Have fun (-:

AnyFucker · 16/08/2011 20:17

OP, you have not misled either of these men

one or both of them could just as easily be keeping their options open with other women

you don't sound you could maintain sleeping with both of them for very long (hence your confused post)

tbh, if you are this confused, perhaps you should let both of them go, especially if they are looking for LTR's

AnyFucker · 16/08/2011 20:18

sound like

susiedaisy · 16/08/2011 20:19

So does mr G know about mr E?

susiedaisy · 16/08/2011 20:24

Ah just re read your post and see that they don't know about each other, IMO it doesn't really matter that you've got two on the go as long as everyone is fully aware of the situation it's the lack of transparency that I have a bit of a problem with not the amount of men

limetrees · 16/08/2011 20:25

I think you should have a clear understanding of what both E & G expect from the relationships. If either thinks that you are exclusive, then yes, you are cheating.

There is a difference between commitment and being exclusive. You have told E that you aren't willing to commit, fine, but that doesn't mean that he should expect you to be sleeping with someone else as well.

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 16/08/2011 20:28

Clues Mr E is not for you:
*You've been involved with him for a while but don't come across massively keen.
*He was seeing someone else and you didn't mind - surely if you were mad about someone you would be devastated if they were getting intimacy elsewhere?
*You want to be with someone else.

I don't reckon (from what you've said) that Mr E is the right fella, but I also don't think the second chap is too. IME when you meet someone who you REALLY want to be with, you don't go in wishy-washy, sort-of-seeing-them kind of thing. Surely you want to be in a relationship where both parties are passionate EXCLUSIVELY about the other? I'm probs not making sense.... I would let them both go. x

lowercase · 16/08/2011 20:29

i did this kind of thing many years ago, drifted from one affair to another without ever meaning to hurt anybody...but ultimately thats what happened.

i would cool it with the latest, give it time to develop with the first.

ScarlettIsWalking · 16/08/2011 20:31

oh come on who hasn't done this at some point in their early 20s? It's called DATING

Save the judgement for something serious

MrsHicks · 16/08/2011 20:51

as he would be quite shocked to hear that I want to be seeing 2 people at once.
But then that's perhaps the clue that it could end hurting him more if you're not honest about the situation, especially if he loves you as you think he might. You don't have to say that you don't see a future, unless you're sure that's the case and if you are, then that's probably a fair thing to tell him too.

How would Mr G feel if you told him? I guess it depends how Mr E feels about you/your relationship - have you discussed that recently with him? You could have a discussion in general terms. Maybe he'd be OK with discussing the fact it's not an exclusive relationship without hearing the details, which is fine, but I do think people have a right to know what's going on and make informed decisions about their relationships.

susiedaisy · 16/08/2011 21:05

Well the op herself has titled her post as "confused and feeling bad" thats why we are giving it some serious thought!

Original poster

naughtyorouttacontrol · 16/08/2011 21:14

butwhyis - I agree that if I was really really into Mr E, that if i found out he was sleeping with someone else that I would be really upset (as have been in the past).

My past relationship lasted 7years and I got hurt alot and really do have trust issues with men, so I'm not sure if i am just messing around with these men and not wanting to comit to anyone as I'm scared. Or maybe its because I am just not that into either of them. When I met my past boyfriends I was really into them straight away, but I was not a mum at the time, so maybe things will be differnt in relationships when you have children? I'm not too sure...

Also I am using condoms.

OP posts:

Original poster

naughtyorouttacontrol · 16/08/2011 21:19

Also Mr E told me a few days ago that he is not sleeping with anyone else and hasn't been for a long time, and asked me when was the last time I had slept with someone else (at this stage I had not slept with Mr G). So I feel like he wants and expects us to be exclusive, I have not expressed how I feel about it either way, but have said I am not ready to be in a comitted relationship with him.

OP posts:

whomovedmychocolate · 16/08/2011 21:20

Get another Mr G and then at least you'll have breakfast covered.

Go to work on an EGG

Original poster

naughtyorouttacontrol · 16/08/2011 21:41

not really that into eggs for breakfast lol

OP posts:

whomovedmychocolate · 16/08/2011 21:43

resists pun about making sure they remain unfertilised

FabbyChic · 16/08/2011 21:48

You don't love Mr E at all if you did you would WANT to comit, would WANT to only sleep with him. As it is you want to have your cake and eat it, going around trying men on for size until you find one that fits, in the meantime sleeping with any Tom, Dick or Harry until you catch something or get pregnant.

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