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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I cheat.....

74 replies

cufuddled · 14/08/2011 12:59

Ok I understand that is quite a statement to make.

I am, although you probably won't believe me, happily married and have been for over 10 years. We have one DD

Most areas of my marriage are solid. We get on very well, we are very good parents, we have a great home and both work very hard. One area is lacking and always has.............SEX.

I have a very high and greedy sex drive. DH hasn't!!! He is a little older than me, we can talk about most things but unfortunately sex isn't one of them. I feel he would be utterly embarassed if I was to discuss our rubbish sex life.

I want a spontanious and firey sex life which I just don't have with him, so I get it elsewhere. No romance from other men just sex!!!

If I go out on my own and am chatted up I will follow it through......I am also ashamed to say that something recently happened with one of his friends ( a first)

Yes I know I am a very very horrible person but I can't think that my life will be sexless (ish) for the next 30 years or so!!!

I love him dearly and have no intention of leaving him but I need more than what I am getting, has anyone else ever experienced this?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 14/08/2011 16:31

Whilst I think the OP's behaviour is wrong on many levels, I don't think she's alone in not being able to talk about sex with her partner.

And it's a common thing for one partner to not want as much sex as the other - does that mean that the couple always has as much sex as the person who wants it least?

BelleDameSansMerci · 14/08/2011 16:38

How would you feel if he were having hot, fiery sex with someone else? Would you feel hurt; upset; jealous; etc or would you not mind? If you found that the reason for your lack of good sex is because you don't fire him up, would that be ok?

If you are really relaxed about him potentially having sex elsewhere then perhaps you need to consider a more open relationship - if you have the guts and honesty to discuss it. If not, then you really are being very unfair and maybe need to consider why you think it's an ok way to behave.

Having sex with a friend of his is so close to home that it makes me wonder if you want him to find out - either to force the conversation or for the attention/drama...

Mouseface · 14/08/2011 16:40

Of course it's common Imperial just not very nice to go elsewhere to fill your boots is it? I should imagine that yes, in lots of cases, the person who wants it least is in the driving seat.

It's the lies and deceit that hurt the most. Regardless of how common a problem may be.

Another point to be made here, is that the OP has a chance to do something about this NOW. Currently, it's not too late. She has a chance to come clean and be honest if she wants to save her marriage.

I get the impression that we don't know the half of it.

Yet.

keynesian · 14/08/2011 16:44

It does strikes me as odd though that two people can perform acts of intimacy requiring trust, respect etc with each other but not talk about sex...

Good and fulfilling sex is or should be about communication on many levels.

AnyFucker · 14/08/2011 16:57

perhaps Op and confidence are in hot pm contact as we speak.

Who knows ?

ameliagrey · 14/08/2011 17:02

OP I hope, yes I really really hope that you are not a troll, or yet another journo looking for input into a feature.

(Just had all of that on Style&Beauty where posters have found themselves , under their nick names,quoted in the Daily Mail.)

when anyone comes along here, making statements like this as bold as brass, a little bell rings in my head.

There was a very similar post last week on same topic.

If and it 's a big if for me, you are genuine, I don't know what you want anyone to say? Are you wanting permission to carry on as you are?

You will be found out if you really are sleeping with his mates so what you do when the shit hits the fan is worth considering.

I haven't read the whole thread, but my suggestion is you try couples counselling/sexual psychotherapy and see what is not working- unless it's a mechanical issue and he needs to see his GP.

Mouseface · 14/08/2011 17:07

Cufuddled - where are you?

ameliagrey · 14/08/2011 17:10

This place is crawling with journos looking for pickings- so just don't waste time writing pages and pages for people who are not genuine. I can spot them a mile off usually.

Lifeissweet · 14/08/2011 17:11

If you don't talk about your sex life with the person you are supposed to be sharing it with, how can you possibly know that there isn't something that he is lacking from you that gets him going? maybe there's something he's been dying for you to do, but is too shy to ask. Instead of coaxing it out of him, you are going elsewhere. I just think it's unfair and selfish of you not to even give him a chance to improve the situation together

If you can't have the conversation face to face, then why not try writing it down and encouraging him to do the same. You have no idea how he feels about it, so writing him off is a little unfair.

I, also, don't know why you're posting this. You aren't asking for advice and you don't sound as though you're feeling guilty and in need of reassurance (which I fear you wouldn't get anyway). What do you want?

Mouseface · 14/08/2011 17:29

amelia - I've been on my hols so not as sharp as normal, thanks for the heads up that S&B has been invaded of late.

confidence · 14/08/2011 22:34

Thing is, why is everyone presuming they know what this guy's reaction would be? The OP has told us very little about him yet.

Different people have all kinds of different ideas about the significance of sex, or lack thereof. The fact that one particular hardline approach to the subject is prevalent on this board does not mean it's shared by everybody in the world.

I've been in long term relationships where my partner has gone off and had a one night stand with someone, and I thought "yeah, whatever". I never really done it myself when in committed relationships because I can't be bothered with all the bollox involved, but I don't see it as a big deal either.

I think for me it's emotional fidelity that is much more important. If I found out that my wife had another committed lover, was in love with him and considering leaving me, I'd be devastated. But I'd probably feel that way regardless of whether they were shagging or not.

In the OP's case, it doesn't sound like she's building up any kind of ongoing relationship with any other man. Or that she feels any disatisfaction - other than sexual - with the one she's got. She seems to have no problem separating sex from love. I know that's not everybody's bag, and certainly not most women's bag, but some people including a minority of women are just much more like that than others. So when she shags other men it doesn't necessarily indicate emotional infidelity to her H.

Having said that, I did say in my first post that I'd be concerned about the element of deceit involved. I tend to agree with other posters here that she should communicate about this stuff with her H - although not necessarily as others feel to return to blissful frustrated monogamy, but rather to negotiate some kind of open relationship. Doing that with full disclosure would be far preferable to keeping secrets, for me anyway.

But she mentioned that he's older than her. I don't know how old exactly, but some older people can be pretty closed and formal about such things. It's easy to advocate openness based on what one's own generation has come to take for granted, but I'm not sure if it's always that possible with everybody, or in all situations.

Original poster

cufuddled · 14/08/2011 22:58

Apologies for not replying sooner, I have been at work:

In response to many comments:

I have name changed for this, but only beacause I am aware that there are some friends in RL that use MN religiously and would spot me using my normal MN name.

I am NOT a troll or reporter. I may sound blaze about the whole thing. This is not my intention, I am like this anyway, set down basics and explain later.

My DH is 15 years my senior, not very open to discussing things like this, never has. I don;t even know now how I would approach it.

Will try to get on and explain some more if/when I can

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/08/2011 23:13

Yes, whatever, but are you in pm contact with confidence ?

confidence · 14/08/2011 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

AnyFucker · 14/08/2011 23:23

I am completely aware of what is funny, and what isn't

And your "joking" is entirely your own business, confidence, but when you post it on a public website, expect some commentary

you might be better skanking on Adult Friend Finder, a Parenting site is not really appropriate for that kinda thing

HTH

Mouseface · 15/08/2011 10:06

Cufuddled - unless you go into more detail, no-one can help or advise, assuming that is what you are looking for?

iwannaspliff4eva · 20/08/2011 17:42

What a joke i would hate to have been unlucky enough in life to be married to such a selfish self absorbed woman, sorry i say what i feel is true maybe if you tried this with your husband you wouldnt be in this mess! this thread is about you and what you want not how your husband would feel if he knew what a washout his marraige really was il say to you what id say to anyone on here experiencing relationship problems - talk to your partners its the best way to solve issues in relationships openess and honesty.

M0naLisa · 20/08/2011 17:51

You are joking right? Is this a wind up??

You are being downright and utterly fucking disgusting! You are a married women with a DD.

I have to say my sex drive is low and my DH is high but because I don't shag him every day he doesn't go out and shag some other slut gagging for it. You will get a reputation is that what you want to bring your daughter up to believe, treat men like shit because that's what she will think and do.

You are a disgusting excuse for a wife and I hope your husband finds out! He deserves better!

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 20/08/2011 18:56

You have to talk to your husband. Stop being immature about it.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 20/08/2011 19:00

You sound like you resent him but are giving him no opportunity to see that, and to make a change or make a choice to end the marriage. You are making inot "some kind an unknowing fool" (the quote Joan Armatrading). Not a nice thing to do to yourself or the person you "love"

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 20/08/2011 19:00

making him

HeyYouJimmy · 20/08/2011 23:34

Well OP, do you think sleeping around, and with your DH's friend, is going to solve this particular problem? No-one has ever died from having a higher sex drive and not getting satisfied.

How would you feel if your DH found out you slept with his friend, said nothing about it to you, and left you over it? Do you honestly think it's worth possibly risking your marriage, family and possibly some friends, for the sake of a sex drive?

yeahyeahwhatever · 21/08/2011 00:16

OP - I sympathise. I've been with DP 12 years. I love him so much and we have a wonderful relationship, but we don't have sex. At all. I've thought about getting it elsewhere and one day might take that step. I know that maybe he does too and that's ok. I love him. He loves me. But we do not have that connection any more. There's no one else in the world I would want to live with and share my life with but my DH.

TDada · 21/08/2011 00:27

Hi-Are you seeking validation or conversion of MNers?

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