H has been fucking someone else.

[phonemonkey]

H told me last night that he's been fucking someone he works with, who also has children at the same school as ours so I'm friends with her too. They've been good friends for a while and I've been naively saying - "Oh that's okay, I trust him, men and women can be friends without sex getting in the way" I am an idiot.

He says it's all over now and he's deleted her number. She's been having some problems with her husband and he says he finished it to give her some space to decide what to do about her marriage.

What about our fucking marriage?

We've been together 16 years and married for 12. I thought we were happy. He keeps saying he's sorry and that he's been an fool and he only wants me and he regrets doing it because of how much he's hurt me. I can barely bring myself to look at him and feel like he's cut my heart out with a spoon.

Phone - Like said has suggested, try and take your time. I know that is easy for me to say, oh so easy, but you need to really think about every part they have both played in this.

Go with your gut but be careful xx

Sorry not to respond sooner, crises of my own :(
You asked about my motivation - it would definitely have been to ease her pain not mine, I have no agenda in misleading you. However, in your situation, I'm extremely puzzled as to why she confessed to her husband. I would never confess to my H unless he asked me outright - it would cause him pain. Confession is a luxury, it may ease the 'confessee's' conscience, but it really doesn't help the injured party, so her motivation in talking to you maybe to ease her conscience, but if she's a friend, I very much doubt it.
Relationships are extremely complicated, there are always two sides to a story. I would say that in most cases, affairs aren't planned, people get lonely, they make mistakes, some of us are more needy than others. I know you are in a very painful situation, I have been on the receiving end of this too.
I was urging you not to be hasty in throwing him out, because the guy I got involved with was solid gold, he loved his wife and family dearly. Someone else said earlier that they couldn't believe that leaving partners hadn't been discussed. The only context we discussed it in was that it was definitely not what we wanted, not on the cards, ever. And this is despite the fact that my relationship with my H is crap - I couldn't bear the thought of breaking up his family, even if he'd wanted to.
I hope you all forgive me for saying this, but people on here seem extremely quick to judge. Relationships are not black and white. I would be very interested to know how many people on here could hold their hands up and say that they have never had an affair.
I hope that talking to the OW will help you.

LOL @ "solid gold"

No he fucking wasn't, he was a selfish twat who traumatised the woman he professed to love so he could get his end away with a needy cow who thought he was wonderful no matter how badly he behaved.

Decent, honest people don't think their right to stay in a relationship trumps their partner's right to know what kind of person they're married to.

Relationships are complicated, but not in the way cheaters like to imagine to justify their tawdry, predictable, ugly liaisons.

She's married to a human being, not a saint. She's not traumatised, she never knew.

Having an affair does not make you a bad person, just someone who's striving to be as decent and honest as you obviously are, but just not quite getting there.
Personally, I'm not trying to justify anything, as I said in my previous post there are no excuses

Well then she's living a lie with a faithless bastard, either way her life is more shit than it should have been because of him (and you).

And your desire to tell her is all about justifying your "love" and the sacrificial, altruistic nature of your sordid little fuckfest with her husband.

You don't have to be a saint not to risk your family for a shag.

Good people do have affairs, but they are not good people while they are having them. And it is a woeful piece of cod remorse to claim that it is just a failure to quite live up to normal standards.

We all have it in us to be selfish, cruel bastards at times, but if we indulge that side we need to own it and make up for it. Not pat ourselves on the back about how everyone else is doing it, and we really tried not to fuck the needy adoring cow.

You are right about the fact that the only thing of value this woman could potentially offer is hard facts - having to listen to this horrible cow defend her husband (as though it is she who really knows him best) would be unbearable. Hopefully she's not that deluded and unpleasant.

disambiguation, I think that when you post from the POV of the OW on a forum where so many of the members have been in the situation of discovering their husbands/partners have had affairs, naturally they are going to be judgemental. And I think, as well, that a majority of posters on this particular section, would be able to 'hold their hands up and say they have never had an affair'. But I will get you started. Me, I have never and would never contemplate it. Because I actually do love my DH too much. I also respect him. If my relationship got to the point where I was trying to justify having an affair, the respect I have for my DH would demand that I tell him and discuss the situation with him. By going ahead and having an affair, you are taking away his choices in the relationship. And if I felt that my DH 'deserved being left', then that is what I would do. Leave. Let me make it clear, if both partners are happy to conduct an 'open' relationship, that is their choice. If for whatever reason, one partner chooses or is unable to have a sexual relationship with their partner, I do believe that it should be possible for the other partner to have a FB as long as it is with the full knowledge of the primary partner. I do not believe, it is ever correct to go out and have an affair. And I think there are many on here who agree in principle even if not with every last detail.

Can I make one suggestion - no matter what you think you might do or want in the future - make him leave now. Even if it ends up only being for a week or two. Tell him you don't know what you want, you don't know if you can forgive him, and you need time to think. He NEEDS to sweat and panic. Or there's a huge danger that after the first few weeks of upset, Mr. Cocky will look back and think 'well that wasn't so bad - she was ok about it really - she clearly is prepared to stay with me if I cheat - well hurrah!' And although he'll be telling himself he'll never do anything like that again, the fear of retribution and consequences will have gone.

I agree with that. This is too easy for him. He needs to really feel that he's losing you, even just for a while so that he can feel how much that would hurt.

I agree with the above too.

Dis - I think you are very brave to post here. I hope that you don't get blasted for doing so but that you understand that not everyone will appreciate you sharing your story as such.

Phone - how are you this morning? How are things? x

Dis - I'll hold my hand up. Never had an affair and never will. I know the hurt that discovering your H is a cheat and a liar can cause and would never want another person to go through what I have been through (with the exception of the OW my H was shagging).

Look Everyone who engages in monogamy is vulnerable to affairs at some point. Because monogamy is not natural for human beings, it is a social construction. ANd the more pissy and high minded and monogamy-fetishistic a person is, tbh the more likely that person is to actually have an affair because people who are monogamy/love obsessives think that fancying another person, even the merest flicker of attraction, means that this other person must be their One True Love and therefore the previous partner is disposable. As far as I can see, to maintain a monogamous relationship you have to be able to accept that you will encounter other people you find attractive but that you can choose to acknowledge the attraction to yourself and do nothing about it. B ut sometimes, for various reasons, people choose to act on the attraction they feel, with a variety of consequences.
ANd sometimes, of course, people have affairs because their official partners are bad partners - aggressive, bullying, manipulative, lazy or whatever - and the affair is a way out of a relationship where someone's self-esteem has been so ground down that s/he can only think of leaving when someone else comes along and restores some of that self-esteem.

I wasn't going to post on this thread again, because I sincerely don't want to upset people, however,
sayit - it's fine, I wasn't expecting not to be judged and I hope you will always feel as you do :)
mouse - thank you, and i was expecting to be blasted, it's OK
bunnies - love your 'exception' and totally understand!
solidgold - I think you have said what I was trying to say, only a lot better.
and Phone - I really hope that talking to the OW is proving helpful and not causing you more distress

How are you doing today OP?