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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Our elderly father being starved by our mum

78 replies

curtaincall · 13/08/2011 22:39

She's just not giving him the right amount of food and he is losing weight. She won't listen to us (her grown-up children) about this as she hasn't about anything, ever. He is now vulnerable and weak and I think is scared of asking her for more food. What on earth would you do ?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 13/08/2011 23:11

"Yes, my mum has suffered in the past from dementia and has had two psychotic episodes and has been sectioned once."

She didn't suffer dementia just "in the past". Once you've got it, you've got it. And it gets worse over time.

Original poster
curtaincall · 13/08/2011 23:12

I think the term is co-dependency for my parents.

My dad wouldn't come with me or anyone else. He won't leave his home. He loves my mum as she does him though I don't think relationship is without its destructive elements by a long chalk. They both become furious if any of us try to intervene in any area of their lives.

I think Complan is good idea. My dsis and I were talking about suggesting milky drinks and think we may get Horlicks/Ovaltine onto the menu.

Thanks thisisyesteryear. I am going to contact my DM's BF who may have some influence. I will also call Age Concern.

We also need to stop him driving as he is a real liability. (Lost his licence 2 years ago for a year driving nearly 120 down the m'way - but that is another thread) ...

OP posts:
hester · 13/08/2011 23:14

There is a charity called Action on Elder Abuse that could give you advice. Or Age UK. You don't have to think your mum is being deliberately abusive to think this is unacceptable and requires early action on your behalf. It is very easy for elderly people to become malnourished and your mother's mental health is clearly also a cause for concern.

You really must take action.

QuintessentialShadow · 13/08/2011 23:16

What do you mean when you say your mum has suffered from dementia in the past?

squeakytoy · 13/08/2011 23:16

Horlicks and Ovaltine dont have the vitamins and minerals that Complan and Slimfast have, and that is what he needs.

When my dad was recovering from radiotherapy and had lost so much weight he was skeletal, that is what the consultants advised to help him get healthy again.

FabbyChic · 13/08/2011 23:16

If he is not eating enough then he clearly is not having 2000 calories a day.

GentleOtter · 13/08/2011 23:20

Could you write to your parent's G.P. and ask him/her to do a home visit?

Is your Mum eating enough and getting any help with your dad?

thisisyesterday · 13/08/2011 23:20

but we don't know what the situation is fabbychic. the father may be losing weight due to illness, for example.

of course it needs investigating, but making comments like "You need to tell her he needs 2000 calories a day and she is feeding him by the sounds of it only half of that." with absolutely nothing to back that up is not really helpful.

people can lose weight for so many reasons, it doesn't necessarily mean they are being starved.

op if you are worried about his driving you can report him to the DVLA...
might not go down to well, but sometimes necessary.

I'd definitely try and get the housekeeper on-side too... she will have so much more insight into their daily lives and how much your dad is getting to eat and stuff and she may be able to help do something about it

squeakytoy · 13/08/2011 23:22

An elderly person who is not moving around doesnt need 2000 calories a day. More like 1300.

Original poster
curtaincall · 13/08/2011 23:24

Sorry . yes about dementia of course its not reversible. what i was trying to say is that it didn't 'show' for many years after the initial stroke and episode, and she seemed to recover. Just trying to type fast and not doing too well right now. looking back she's always been a loon but when it's your own family you don't know its not normal.

My DH has been in bed with flu for a week so we've had to cancel our summer hols and have been run ragged looking after small ds and his cousin all week too. Now ds has high temp. [Deeply fed-up emoticon]

Squeaky toy you may have a point about illness but also he does need building up and even with small appetite, it all needs better planning.

The housekeeper is loyal to DPs and won't do anything my mum doesn't want her to. Yes, she cooks for them but under strict instruction.

OP posts:
purplepidjin · 13/08/2011 23:25

Fabby, an active middle-aged man needs 2000 calories a day; a bed or chair bound 80 something will need far less. Sensible looking study although I've only skim read Blush

thisisyesterday · 13/08/2011 23:27

that's fair enough, i can understand the loyalty and it's her job at stake if she starts doing things she isn't supposed to... what i mean though is that she can just tell you what is going on, you can get a better idea of what your dad is eating for example.
you can come at it from a "i'm concerned about mum and dad" angle rather than a "i think my mum is starving him!" angle iyswim?

just see what she thinks? it may be that she also has concerns and then together with your sister you can all make sure they're both ok

trixymalixy · 13/08/2011 23:30

I'm torn on this too. As people get older they don't need the same amount of calories, and just don't have the same appetite. The complan sounds like a good idea.

QuintessentialShadow · 13/08/2011 23:33

My father is 84 and in a wheelchair, so he does not really move about a lot. He eats one slice of wholemeal bread for breakfast, with either cheese or ham. He eats 5 grapes or so for snack. Small dinner of some meat or fish with veg and potato. One yoghurt before bedtime, although he frequently skips the youghurt, as his paralyzis means he does not feel any hunger, ever. And that is it. He is not losing weight, and staying stable. He says he does not need more.

Original poster
curtaincall · 13/08/2011 23:40

thanks for info about Complan etc.

Don't know why i put in my personal stuff. Just feeling generally like sh** Sad

You know, thisis it's not always possible to go to their house as they are
so busy with their lives and are always tied up. When I do manage to go and when they actually are expecting me - a 4-6 hour round trip to another city, they are often too busy to be with me as they are talking on the phone or to friends/relations who have dropped in. Once, when ds was a baby, I arrived by invitation and my mum had gone out and my dad was going off to lunch with an old friend. I lost it at that point but it made NO impact whatsoever. I went home.

So you may see, its not easy and they don't want help. Either of them.

Am going to look up Action on Elder Abuse, and Age Concern.

The housekeeper doesn't have English as fist language and cannot be 'got on-side' unfortunately. However, I think you are right and we do all need to be tougher and see all this in the context of my DM's weaker mental state too.

Thank you all for thoughts and advice.. Need to sleep now as am shattered.

OP posts:
trixymalixy · 13/08/2011 23:43

Curtaincall, is your father saying he is hungry to you?

Original poster
curtaincall · 13/08/2011 23:46

No trixy just that he is "falling apart". It's a good question you ask though.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/08/2011 23:47

Is your dad active then, and able to make is own meals?

Original poster
curtaincall · 13/08/2011 23:47

If anyone else posts, i'll try to come back tomorrow. Goodnight.x

OP posts:
Original poster
curtaincall · 13/08/2011 23:49

x-posted with squeaky. No and no. Sad

OP posts:
trixymalixy · 13/08/2011 23:55

He possibly just doesn't have much of an appetite and your Mum is giving him just what he will eat. It sounds like he does need building up do the complain drinks would be a good idea.

annh · 14/08/2011 00:05

But I don't understand why your father is so dependant on your mother for his food? He is still driving and you say has a busy life with visitors etc. So he is obviously mobile. If he is hungry, what is preventing him going into the kitchen and helping himself to cereal, bread, fruit, yoghurt etc. He might not be able to prepare a full meal but he wouldn't starve. If he can't access the kitchen for some reason, then why doesn't he go out for lunch? Your parents are well-off, he can afford to do this sometimes. I'm not sure you're getting the full story here.

barbiegrows · 14/08/2011 00:30

This is YOUR father.

If I were you I would try to imagine you are him, what would you want? Disregard completely your narcissistic mother, go into it with sleeves rolled up, detached and RESCUE him. If you knowingly don't it is not only morally wrong but possibly illegal.

This organisation may be useful.

www.elderabuse.org.uk/

Best wishes and be strong.

mathanxiety · 14/08/2011 01:39

My exMIL was doing this to my exFIL for a good while. He has an incurable disease that prevents him from being as mobile or able to fend for himself as he might like to be, plus I suspect he couldn't boil an egg even if he tried, and she was determined to remain at the weight she was when she married (she was very proud of having avoided middle age spread). ExMIL is also a vain and domineering Narcissist. If exFIL tried to help himself to a snack (not brought up in the age of snacks so this didn't come naturally to him) he was bossed out of the kitchen. After years and years of being bossed and henpecked at home, this is what a very intelligent former surgeon was reduced to. He accepted this because this is how exMIL was for their entire marriage -- In Charge Of The Kitchen and not afraid to shoot from the lip.

ExMIL didn't like yogurt so didn't buy it. She didn't like eggs so never cooked them. She bought crackers, pretzels and Coke for the grandchildren.

The result was serious weight loss for exFIL that no-one dared to explain even though all the exILs used to complain that they would go to MDs after the weekly obligatory Sunday dinner at exMIL's as they never got enough to eat chez exMIL...

So exMIL and exFIL went to the Mayo Clinic at the urging of oldest exBIL, who is a doctor himself (they live in the US), where after lengthy questioning and tests, exMIL was told to feed exFIL more. Turned out that no breakfast but a cup of coffee (because exMIL is not a breakfast person) followed by a sandwich for lunch, then dinner consisting of half a potato each, plus one small fillet of fish each and a few leaves of salad was not enough. Shock

OP you must intervene. Whether they have a housekeeper or whether you are afraid of your mother or not, your father could end up being starved to death or dying of some simple illness that he simply wouldn't be strong enough to fight.

mathanxiety · 14/08/2011 01:50

Gosh, Curtaincall, after I divorced, exH tool the DCs to visit their GPs one year for a US holiday, only to find they had left to go look at a house they were thinking of buying, right on that evening when my DCs were scheduled to arrive (apparently it absolutely couldn't wait). exH couldn't find anything for anyone to eat in the kitchen and ended up driving the DCs to a BBQ place at 9 pm after they had already spent 8 hours in the car. Before divorce we always ate on the trip as exMIL might or might not be there or have anything to eat when we arrived, and we never arrived out of the blue.

I was spitting nails that the DCs were hungry and unwelcomed, also at exH for not reading exMIL the riot act, but he was always very meek and unwilling to rock the boat where his Mother was concerned.