grr- found H's porn stash, am I overreacting?

[PhishFoodAddiction]

Was going to name change but decided not to.

I've just been sorting through some of DH's things (he knew I would be doing, I wasn't snooping) and found a stash of porn dvds.

I feel sick.

Ever since I've been with him we have had arguments over porn. He sort of came-of-age using porn as I was his first sexual partner.

We nearly split up when I was pregnant with DD1 as he bought porn and lied to me about what it was- it was the lying to my face that angered and hurt me, not necessarily that it was porn he bought. Up until that point I would have trusted him with my life. I just can't stand being lied to.

I think he has continued using porn but he knows I hate it. I'm not trying to police what he does when alone, I know he may want to masturbate and that's fine but why can't he just use his imagination like I do?

A couple of years ago when DD2 was about 7 months old, after a rough patch, I found out that he registered with an extra marital affairs website. At first he said he hadn't been on it, he must have clicked it by accident, maybe someone had hacked his e-mail he looked me in the eyes and said he loved me too much to ever do that...and I believed him idiot that I am. Of course the next night I snooped on the laptop and found his profile on there...even when I confronted him he swore that he hadn't, when I was looking right at the page!

I gave him another chance, we had very small children, I had no money, it seemed to difficult to leave, but obviously since then I've found it hard to trust him.

At Christmas his workmates apparently got him some porn dvds as a joke present (he's told them I hate it) and he showed me one or two and snapped them and put them in the bin, to show honesty. But now I have just found this stash in his work stuff, some are out of their packets so must have been used but I don't know when. If I confront him, he will lie as he has always done.

What do I do now? I've had enough. And for the first time I feel I could be emotionally strong enough to be a single parent, but still in a dire financial situation as I'm a SAHM with no savings and no job.

Am I just overreacting?

i dont think its the porn thats the issue

its the fact that you cannot trust your husband. if you both want it to work and are willing to work hard at it, there is a chance. but you will both have to work at it

No flaming from me - I cave every time when it comes to really putting my foot down and making him pack his bags! There are worse things he could do is about the only positive.

Phish only you can decide what's acceptable to you, hope things work out for you, take care

you haven't failed anyone on here, i for one will support anyone in what they WANT to do. it's not my life after all

x

Only just seen this thread, but was about to say that my main concern wouldn't be the porn, but the fact that he registered on that website - and that the whole issue appears unresolved.

But having read your most recent post I would say you haven't let anyone down - this is your life and your call. And the counselling has got to be a positive thing, whatever the outcome. Good luck OP.

i have mellowed to porn as i've gotton older it's all a bit shite all in all though

have a look yourself then let him discover you've been looking too, see what his reaction would be, maybe!

You're not a mug for wanting/hoping that he can be the husband you thought you married - I hope he doesn't let you down, again.
Plan for the worst while hoping for the best.

He thinks he's got you just where he wants you, don't prove him right.

Thank you so much everyone for your kind replies.

You owe no one anything except yourself and your children. If you think this can be sorted, good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

I'm going to bed now, with a nice cup of tea and without H

Thanks again.

Hi phish, you really want to believe him dont you. That way you wont have to make any hard decisions or upset the applecart but your self confidence, trust and anything worth having in a relationship is being eroded bit by bit.

It reminds of a conversation I had with sd17 a while ago.
Me: Do you drink?
Her: No, how could you say such a thing
Me: I would rather you just admit it than lie
Her: Why are you being such a bitch to me
Me: How about that photo of you on fb with a can in your hand
Her: I was just holding it for someone
Me: How about the one where you are drinking a 6ft cocktail with a straw
Her: there was no alcohol in it
Me: How about the one where you are knocking a shot into you
Her: I was just doing it for the photo, my friend wanted a photo of me doing it, it was empty, I told you I don't drink
cue sd defriending me from FB
She had dh somewhat conviced though...............

Of course you haven't let anyone down!

We have no agenda here apart from making sure you feel supported whatever you try to do.

Just make sure he knows how close he came to losing you and make it absolutely clear that if he lies to you again you'll be gone - and mean it. If he does, then you deserve better. If he learns his lesson and grows up a bit, then all's well that ends well.

I hope everything's ok from now on - but please don't be afraid to come back if he lets you down again.

The affairs website would be the real problem for me too. I don't particularly like the fact that my DP looks at porn, but it's not a deal breaker for me like it is for some people and I wouldn't force him to stop doing it. But the idea of someone going through a rough patch and starting to arrange to see other people rather than work through the problems is pretty much unforgiveable. You're not supposed to be in a relationship whilst looking for a plan B.

But if you've decided to give him another chance, I wish you the very best of luck OP.

Even if he is telling the truth he obviously was intending to watch them, otherwise he would have just dumped them in the nearest skip or something like that rather than bringing them home.

Sorry that you're having to go throught this, phish.

Lifeissweet has pretty much covered everything I'd want to say too OP (great posts btw).

Phish - you've let no-one down at all. You need make no decisions tonight, this is all just part of a process. You have good reason not to trust him - regardless of his explanations about where the porn came from on this occasion. I'd focus on yourself for a bit now, and avoid the temptation to go back over old ground with him, you'll just exhaust yourself. Take your time in thinking about what you want, whether its to stay and try to work things through, or whether to call it a day and plan out how to leave.

Whatever's right for you, MN's always here.

FWIW, being a lone parent is no doddle, but it's worlds better than living with someone who's making you miserable.

I wish you well x

It's not about porn, it's about your partner repeatedly deceiving you. I wouldn't want a relationship like this either - why should you put up with a relationship that makes you feel insecure, unsupported, and disrespected?

I don't necessarily think that counselling will help, but I DO think that making it clear- finally - that you have had enough might. So far, he's got away with all sorts of bullshit - cocky little shit, isn't he?

So I'd be packing him a bag. Handing it to him when he gets in, and saying, 'Here you go. I've had enough. For the record: I haven't believed a single word of any of the bullshit you've fed me over the last few years. Not about the porn, not about the website, and I don't believe you now. I don't want to be disrespected yet again by having to listen to more bullshit and try and argue black is white with you. I'm done. The only option left now is counselling while you are moved out, because the only way I would be able to continue a relationship with you now is if you grew up and manned up enough to give me straight, honest answers about why you do what you do. Personally, I don't think you have it in you, so I reckon this is it. Here's your bag. We'll discuss the split in more detail over the next few days, but right now I want you out.'

If that doesn't make him wake up and at least try to change, you're stuffed. Or to describe it more positively, you'll end up with a better, more honest, more secure life!

Lifeissweet - Why should people tolerate things that upset them, though, confidence? Men do not need porn. He won't be miserable, he won't die, his balls won't explode, he is an adult human being and can control himself.

Well, I didn't actually say that the OP should tolerate it, nor did I argue any kind of pro-porn line. I only challenged her assertion that it was "not about the porn, it's about the lying". The fact is that the lying is only there because her H knows perfectly well that he can't be upfront to her because she disapproves of porn so much and will flip. Ergo, it IS about the porn.

As for whether he needs porn or not, I wouldn't presume to say as I don't know about his personal situation. A lot of men need more sexual satisfaction than they get in long term monogamous relationships, and porn is often a way of getting it.

and Porn does effect sex in a relationship - it just does. He's likely to want to do things with his partner as a result of getting off on those things on DVDs. I'm willing to bet that those things are degrading and not necessarily for the pleasure of the woman. It is not just his business and it is her problem.

I know all of those statements are pretty well-accepted truisms in certain circles, but there really is a ton of assumption and over-generalisation in them. Yes, porn CAN affect sex in relationships. Sometimes negatively; sometimes positively either by being something that both partners enjoy together or by providing an outlet for one partner where libidos are severely mismatched. The "likely to want to do things..." bit is often parrotted but I don't buy it. It's based on a faulty assumption that something a man thinks to do with sex must automatically lead in a defined predictable direction towards specific actions. Sex is infinitely more complex than that, particularly once you consider it in the context of a relationship. It requires communication, and people want to do things that the other person doesn't want all the time. You communicate, and work it out. Men also tend to compartmentalise things much more naturally than many women understand.

Many (most?) men have a large store of simple, impersonal libido that just is. It's not for nothing that prostitution is called the world's oldest profession, and porn is really just an indirect form of prostitution. Most women have no understanding of how that impersonal libido feels from a male perspective, or how it really works for men. So they - naturally enough, I suppose - make all kinds of assumptions about how certain ways of expressing that libido MUST play out in every other area of life. Assumptions based on how they imagine it would be for them if it were them doing it, I suppose.

None of which is to deny that porn can be problematic. (As for the guy who was doing it five hours a day - Christ, how did he get anything else done?) Or that people have a right to not want it around and consider it a deal-breaker in a relationship, if that's their values. As with so many things, I think a lot of this often has to do with lack of openness in the early stages. Men often don't admit to women that they like porn, or even admit the whole existence of their impersonal libido. They try to hide the fact that they lust after other women and tell their prospective partner that they are so in love with them they couldn't possibly fancy anyone else. Because they figure that's what they want to hear. But monogamy for men is often a pretty thin veneer.

Confidence - what I was referring to when I talked about the OP tolerating porn was when you said something along the lines of - let him use as much porn as he likes and then he won't have to lie to you.

Anyway, as interesting as your views on men are (and they seem pretty dim to me, by the way) this isn't really the place. The OP's been through a fair bit of turmoil and we've left her to sort it out. If you want to debate men and the use of porn, you can always start another thread.

Ooh - just read that back - just to clarify - when I said your views of men seem pretty dim to me I meant as in 'you take a dim view of men' not that you, or your views are unintelligent. You are clearly not that.

Just to make sure you didn't think I was being insulting..

Fair enough. When I said "let him use as much porn as he likes, then he won't have to lie to you", I wasn't suggesting the OP do that. What I said was that IF it's true that "porn is not the problem", then she should be able to do that, right? And that will then solve the lying problem. Of course I was being rhetorical because it's quite clear that porn IS the problem (or at least part of the problem).

And my views on men are formed largely by being one, as well as associating with others when they're being honest and saying all the things they don't tell their girlfriends. I don't personally see them as "dim"; reality is not a bad thing unless you judge it by unrealistic ideals.

But I take your point about not derailing the thread further...

Why do his colleagues know so much about the problems in your marriage?

It sounds as though you are a laughing stock at his work.

How did that come about?

Confidence - if some men are emotionally illiterate enough to lie to their partners about their masturbatory habits, doesn't it follow that they are probably lying, or at least falling in with traditional male boasting and saying what they think their friends want to hear during this "male bonding" ?

OP, you don't deserve a flaming from anyone. I wish you all the best with your relationship. You know where we are if you need us again x

I just wanted to thank you all again for your responses, and your support.

Just to give you a little update- we had 4 nights apart (well, him on the sofa) and loads of talking.

I told him it was counselling or nothing- I don't know if it will help but it can't do any harm. I put the onus on him to sort it and he did straight away. We are going on Thursday. He's making a much bigger effort than he did after the website incident, arranging things for us to do together, talking about how we're going to move forward etc.

I've got to a point where I'm still willing to try, but I'm focusing on myself and the children. I've come to realise silly as it sounds that I'm responsible for creating my own happiness. There are so many things that I can do to make myself happy, without having to rely on H. And then if the shit hits the fan again, I will feel strong enough to leave.

I feel like I am already growing stronger.

Good for you, happiness comes from within and we shouldn't rely on others for our own happiness - but he is responsible for not making you unhappy.