grr- found H's porn stash, am I overreacting?

[PhishFoodAddiction]

Was going to name change but decided not to.

I've just been sorting through some of DH's things (he knew I would be doing, I wasn't snooping) and found a stash of porn dvds.

I feel sick.

Ever since I've been with him we have had arguments over porn. He sort of came-of-age using porn as I was his first sexual partner.

We nearly split up when I was pregnant with DD1 as he bought porn and lied to me about what it was- it was the lying to my face that angered and hurt me, not necessarily that it was porn he bought. Up until that point I would have trusted him with my life. I just can't stand being lied to.

I think he has continued using porn but he knows I hate it. I'm not trying to police what he does when alone, I know he may want to masturbate and that's fine but why can't he just use his imagination like I do?

A couple of years ago when DD2 was about 7 months old, after a rough patch, I found out that he registered with an extra marital affairs website. At first he said he hadn't been on it, he must have clicked it by accident, maybe someone had hacked his e-mail he looked me in the eyes and said he loved me too much to ever do that...and I believed him idiot that I am. Of course the next night I snooped on the laptop and found his profile on there...even when I confronted him he swore that he hadn't, when I was looking right at the page!

I gave him another chance, we had very small children, I had no money, it seemed to difficult to leave, but obviously since then I've found it hard to trust him.

At Christmas his workmates apparently got him some porn dvds as a joke present (he's told them I hate it) and he showed me one or two and snapped them and put them in the bin, to show honesty. But now I have just found this stash in his work stuff, some are out of their packets so must have been used but I don't know when. If I confront him, he will lie as he has always done.

What do I do now? I've had enough. And for the first time I feel I could be emotionally strong enough to be a single parent, but still in a dire financial situation as I'm a SAHM with no savings and no job.

Am I just overreacting?

Thanks

It's also really unlikely that his porn use is confined to DVDs. I bet he looks at much worse on the net, where it's free, although he will have had to pay for that affairs site registration, as you no doubt realise. Bet that was at a time when you were strapped for cash too .

Just so as I'm not lumped into the porn apologist category , i would be packing DH's bags if i thought he was using porn, behind my back or otherwise. and he'd go, no question.
there is zero tolerance in my mind about it. it's not about 'being visual' it's about being lazy, objectifying and supporting a corrupt and abusive industry.

i just think this guy is having trial by MN Jury without the OP really having all the facts. maybe i'm wrong, maybe they are his dvds.

It's very fair minded of you, AuntieM and I'm glad there are others who are not brainwashed into the 'all men use porn. Poor simple minded creatures can't help themselves' state of mind.

I do hate to say, however, that on previous deceitful form (extra-marital affairs site?!), it seems unlikely that he is telling the truth about the DVDs - and, actually, even if he is, then he's not 11 years old and in the school playground. If someone offered them to him and he didn't want them, he should have got a backbone and refused. He shouldn't have brought them into the house knowing exactly how his partner feels about it. That alone is disrespectful, in my opinion.

He's an out and out liar, that's the top and bottom of it.
Nobody wants to be married to someone with so little respect for them that they will repeatedly lie to their face when confronted.

"Porn is no big deal" - Sheesh , well it obviously is a very big fucking deal to an awful lot of women, otherwise there wouldn't be hundreds of threads on this forum alone from very distressed women.

If someone is being hurt by their partner's behaviour - it's a very big deal.

"Men have a higher sex drive, they need stimulation".

What utter, utter rubbish.

oh god phishfood i feel for you i really do its like reading something out of my life with my exh, the lies, story telling, hiding, the porn getting evermore extreme and nasty, not too mention the hundreds and hundreds of pounds spent on it all over the years, makes me feel sick just reading this thread, it was a deal breaker for me after years and years of the lies and lack of respect, trying to make your self feel ok with porn, trying to think of it as cool and what everyone is into, when you know in your heart that for you its sickening disgusting and pathetic will wear you out in the end believe me i tried to do it for 17 years!!! i feel so sorry for you, you have my absolute sympathies i really hope you can sort this out x

oh phish I am so sorry.

I understand why you would want him to leave. Especially if it's a pattern of lies.

Thank you everyone.

I just texted him (bad I know but couldn't stand the stewing over it any longer) and he said that one of his colleagues found it at his other job, and gave it to my H as a 'belated Xmas gift'.

So I'm thinking now...well would his colleague do that? Maybe he would... but all his colleagues know that we nearly split up over the website thing, and they all know that I don't like porn (they tease H about it sometimes), so if his colleague did give them to him, then he knew it was likely to cause a big row and why would he hand over a bag of porn? Why not bin it if he didn't want it himself?

H said it has been in the car for ages and he hasn't watched it (maybe true, the box it was in was in the car for a while, but it has been inside the house for a few weeks).He said they look horrible and he wouldn't want to watch them, and they probably wouldn't even work anyway...but one of the titles seemed to be something I remember him having from years ago (I could be wrong on that though and just being paranoid).

I feel more confused than ever. I just think that whether or not he's lying, we have issues that need sorting.

I just want him to take me seriously, and I've said before that any big lies would mean we were over. Maybe I'm just going to have to do it and ask him to leave for a while.

At this moment in time he thinks he can spin you any old rubbish and you'll cave in , maybe it is time to show him he can't get away with this bullshit any longer?

Oh really!!

What a ridiculous web of lies.

So, a friend who knows that porn has already caused trouble in your relationship decides that he is going to offload his own collection on to your partner - and says it is a belated Christmas present?

Is his friendship circle in the habit of recycling shit, as Christmas presents then?

He blames a lot on his mates doesn't he? Was this the same "mate" who miraculously managed to enter an accurate profile of him on the affairs site?

I'm amazed he's had the gall to try the "It wasn't me, it's my mates" excuse yet again, but I'd be even more amazed if you fell for it.

As will he, actually. And if you do, disrespect will turn into contempt.

I know Mal, that's what I'm worried about. I've let him off the hook before. It just seemed that things had been going so well lately, I thought we'd sort of managed to put the past behind us.

I feel sick and shaky, got to wait another 2 hours or so to talk to him, and I know he'll make me feel like I'm overreacting. I wish I could just turn off my feelings for him.

Gah now I'm crying again need a glass of or 3. Thankfully DDs are away with PILs this weekend, this was supposed to be my lovely day all to myself but it's not turned out too well.

He thinks he if just keeps saying 'it wasn't me' then I'll believe him in the end.

It's gone on too long now.

I'm going to ask him to leave for a while, and put the onus on him to sort out some counselling and see if there's anything left worth saving (because like a true cliche, there are things about him I still love). I've got a feeling it'll be all talk and no action from him.

Well, good luck OP. Try to be resolute when you see him tonight. Of course he will keep saying "it wasn't me". There are lots of people who believe that as long as you've got no proof and they deny, deny, deny - then they'll keep getting away with it. What he hasn't realised though is that this has probably chipped away at the love you had for him - and also any respect. Maybe you need to think about that too - has this made you love him less; respect him less?

Perhaps try explaining it like that, so that you don't get bogged down with the "it wasn't me" argument. He can't argue with a statement that your feelings have changed for him, can he?

Maybe then he will realise that he didn't get away with so many things after all........

'a belated christmas pressie' sends up a huge flair to me too now.

sorry OP, sounds like a huge dollop of the brown stuff - good luck with the chat, take no prisoners.

we'll be here for you

He's just so rational about it all- it was just a bad decision, they were in his locker, he forgot about them, then put them in the car to bring them home and get rid but then he forgot about them again.

This is crap isn't it? But he makes it sound so plausible!

He's going to try and get round me when he gets home I just know it.

I'm going to log off now and try to get myself ready. Will try and update later tonight or tomorrow.

Thanks for all the support.

And yes, windsorTides I've been losing respect for him for a long time, and it's hard to love someone you feel you can't trust.

My head is in knots at the moment, I'm scared he's going to steamroller me.

Of course he's rational about it, he's making it YOUR problem, isn't he?

try to remember this when you see him later.

good luck again x

christ almighty, this bloke can't even be arsed to make up a plausible lie

I don't know if I'm brave enough to do this. But if I don't, it just gives him licence to lie to me again and again. I wonder what he would say if he read some of these replies about his behaviour.

I feel like I'm being unfair to him somehow and it's so much easier just to keep the status quo. But then I'll end up hating myself.

I have not got one person in RL I can talk to about this which is why I came back on to reread some of the replies.

Could relationship counselling help us?

Right, really am going this time...

Could relationship counselling help us?

I don't think any amount of counselling will make someone give a shit about their DP's feelings when they clearly already don't.

You do need space to get your head around this don't you and it seems you are sure that he will talk you round don't you.
I know that is what you want to believe his lies it's easier to think that he is the person you think he is and not the person he is proving to be isn't it.
I would get out for the night go and book into a hotel and not tell him where and ask him to move what ever stuff he needs to live away for a while because this IS serious.
Give yourself some distance to work it out counselling for you and for him and maybe together.

They always say it was my mate or someone gave it to me but I haven't watched it yet, makes me sick, the lies you can try to believe it I did for years, I tried to swallow the lies cause I was too frightened to end it, in the end I couldn't even bare for my exH to touch me knowing the depraved shit he'd been jerking off to, again I really feel for you

It's just pathetic, isn't it? It's like the lies teenagers tell their parents when they get caught with cigarettes: 'they're not mine, Mum, I was looking after them for a friend.'

I think Windsortides is right. You need to approach it from an 'I feel' point of view. Tell him that your faith in him was shaken with the website and the porn before and that you decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and now it feels as though he doesn't appreciate that. You can say you don't believe his story, but stress that it doesn't really matter even if you did because he showed you disrespect by not realising what a big deal it is to you that you had to find it like that, tell him how it shook you and made you question him after everything that happened before. Tell him this makes you question whether you want to be with him.

He can't argue with your feelings and if he tried to tell you you're over-reacting that only goes to prove that he really doesn't care how you feel and you're better off without him.

Good luck, OP. let us know how it goes

Any good stuff in there? I like a bit of porn.

Wrong place for stupid comments Bodyofeyore - you are mocking women in genuine distress, this isn't AIBU.

Oh god I don't think I can kick him out.

I'm sorry I feel like I've failed everyone on here who has been supporting me.

I knew I would feel differently when he got home. We have talked for ages, and he knows he was stupid not to tell me. He seems sorry.

I think we have a few other problems that need working on too, so he is arranging couple's counselling on Monday.

I'm probably being a mug but I'm willing to give it one last try.

(Curls up and awaits flaming).