Dear all,
Please don't think that this is just a random MIL bash. In fact, it's as if the person in question isn't really an MIL in the first place. I'll try to cut a long story short and not drip-feed.
I got married 3 weeks ago and my husband (26) has had a very rocky relationship with his 'mother'. She has a major drinking problem (has done since about 13), is from a non-deprived background (as in, a stable background - don't want to step on any toes!) and currently lives with her mother as she has made herself destitute through her drinking. My husband moved out of his mother's house when he was 14 to live with his grandmother i.e. his mother's mother as he couldn't take the alcoholic environment. His mother has been living with his grandmother for the past 3-4 years. He calls her by her first name or 'Mother' - never Mummy etc. He harbours immense rage for her.
In the past, I've found her rather pleasant. I had never seen her drunk. In fact, I just felt really sorry for her as she was unemployed and hates her mother, yet has to live with her. They do not live in the UK and I had met them a few times last summer (all without incident). This summer we went to their country, where my husband is from, to get married and just generally hang out there for a few weeks prior to the wedding. Over the last year I had spoken to and e-mailed the mother. I thought 'wow, how lucky I got a nice MIL!'
However, this summer's visit went so horribly wrong.
The height of the drama was when my then-fiance told his mother to put her cigarette out (it's his grandmother's house and she dislikes it too, but feels too scared to tell her own daughter not to do something). She retaliated by screaming like a banshee. A few hours later, and this is 4 days before our wedding, my fiance and I go to leave the house and she calls out 'Amy was 39, not 23'. This is in reference to my husband's first girlfriend (who he sees as an abuser. He 'dated' this person from when he was about 17 (just after his father had died and he was going through a rough time) for about 18 months on-and-off). I had no idea who she was talking about. I never knew the ex-gf's name and my husband had told me she was 29. My husband said she really was 39, but when we first got together told me 29 so as not to worry me.
I was livid with the mother. I went back into the house after about 20 mins and she had already geared up for a fight - was written all over her face. I have never had confrontation/an awkward moment in the slightest. I calmly said, 'why did you say that? What have I ever done to you?' She responded with, 'you've never done anything to me. I wanted to hurt him [my husband]'. He had spoken to her in the past about this older woman taking advantage of him and thus relayed how hurt and disturbed he was by it. He has often considered counselling. I told her she was evil, why did she seek to make others unhappy and was plain wrong, in all respects. She was getting hysterical and gesturing wildly with a lit cigarette in her hand. My husband then edged her back out on to the porch and shut the door on her - she was violent/close to it. She then broke the window to get back in and called the police on us.
A few weeks before, we had overheard the mother bitching about the two of us. She impersonated my British accent and mocking me for being 'hysterical over the wedding dress' and being all-round petty and mean-spirited. She got disinvited at that point.
When the reception day for the wedding rolled around, it emerged (after the evening) that some person had phoned the restaurant and tried to cancel the reception booking! The caller said the bride and groom weren't feeling very well - cancellation would have meant non-return of our £8000 deposit. Nobody cancels with that term written into a contract! A fake name was left and we're 99% sure it was the mother. She had also, prior to that, said, in a nasty tone, to my husband, 'there's not going to be a wedding'.
So, I really need your help. I'm sorry this is so long. Can anyone offer any insight into the mother? Is this really bizarre? She yelled at me that I was an idiot for agreeing to marry her son (but had previously said she was really glad we were getting married. She has never expressed dislike of me ever before).
Secondly, I was really scarred by the revelation of the ex-gf's real age. On one hand, I'm very angry that nobody looked out for my husband when he was 17 and said 'what the hell are you doing with this 39 year old woman and, moreover, what is she doing with you?'. It was a sexual relationship - but not until 18. I also am haunted my mental images and that he's not who I thought he was. I don't blame him for the relationship. He had just lost his father and he describes the person as a manipulator. My mother said I wanted things to be too perfect and that it's in his past and it's not like he cheated on me. A great weight would be lifted if I could come to terms with this woman and get closure.
Please help.