I have been estranged from my sister for 4 years. It is long and complicated as it always is with toxic family, but I will give you as brief a background as possible so you have enough to give me some views.
Have 3 older siblings 10yrs/9yrs/6yrs older. My family grew up around violence due to an alcoholic who abused my mother. She finally left him when I was born, after suffering from a breakdown and being removed by friends. So I suffered mildly from the after-affects of the breakup of this, and the long term emotional damage left to my mother and to my 3 siblings, the oldest two the most.
My relationship with my sister who is 9yrs older - we had been v close when I was a child but due largely to her role as a 'mother figure' when my own mum was not able (as a baby) and as I grew she worked full time. As I became independent our relationship struggled between close and tense (when I did not live up to her expectations/did as she wanted).
Her relationship with my eldest brother has been bad. They did not talk for a long long time (12years, he has his own issues) and with my other brother, they are not close, they now do not talk, again for 4 years.
Things finally turned sour when my mother died. Or rather before this. She nursed my mother through illness, which was hard, and her judgmental controlling behaviour came out in full force, she refused support and wanted to control my mother completely. At this point my sister had become an Evangelist and she imposed her beleifs on to my mother somewhat which caused some tensions. Her relationship with my mum had been rocky too and partly mum felt my sister 'needed' to care for her. Make amends/sort out their relationship or something. I don't know.
When my mother finally passed, (I was informed on voicemail of this) the stress in my sister broke and she took it all out on me and the brother she was talking to. The other brother, for other reasons was not aware of my mother's passing, and my sister refused to let him know, until after the funeral, took great delight in telling him.
Her behaviour became unbearable, she took things from my mother's house, told us we had like one day to take what we wanted (other than stuff in the will) even though mum lived in london, I live in Devon and my brother lived in Yorkshire and was in the army. She was exceptionally horrible to my brother, did not speak to him prior to or on the day of the funeral, refused to go to his wedding two weeks after my mother died informing him the day before his wedding she had the flu (in fact didn't speak to him, got her husband to leave a voicemail). I suspect but have no evidence that she 'encouraged' my mum to change her will to remove my outcast brother, as my mother's will was changed two weeks before she died. She had previously told me my brother would be 'seen ok' but was not in the will at all. Not that there was much to give.
My mum's express which was that her ashes were scattered in Glastonbury from the Tor, with family present. This was going to be with all of us including the outcast brother.
Then my dad died, 4 months after my mum. My sister was angry at me about not wanting to go the funeral 'he is your father' even though I met him like 2-3 times in my entire life, and those were as a young child. She lied to me about relatives of his making contact, stating there was none, when they had been trying to get hold of me. She refused to pass on details and at this point our relationship pretty much stopped.
I then wrote an email (a few weeks afterwards) to all the family asking if we could all put our difference aside for a day and scatter mum's ashes as was her wish. I received a poisonous letter from my sister informing me that she and her husband had already done this (on the day of my brother's wedding, two weeks after mum died), and actually she did not do it herself, her husband did it while she waited at the bottom of the Tor (my mum did not particularly like her husband). She told me that my mother was already gone, the ashes were just skin and bone cremated, and that her soul was already with god and all her husband had done was chuck her skin and bone away. She informed me in this letter that she had already saved mum's soul as she repented her sins before she died, called me a petulant and hot headed child and that I should grow up. I wrote a letter back simply stating we should avoid contact for a while and asking for some of the things that belonged to me (birthday cards from mum that she had taken, and ones I had sent her, photos, she had them all, my birth tag, a necklace). I advised her I did not think it was a good idea that she came to my non-christian wedding in sept (mum died in Jan, this email was in June). She replied saying she never had any intention of coming and that I would not get any of my things back until she was ready. Contact ended then.
for the last two years she has sent me a christmas car which I have binned. She does not know I have a second child and she has had no contact with or from my other siblings.
My dilemma is - for the last 4 years I have been adamant that I cannot have her in my life, but she has two children, who are growing older with no family. And I looked at my children today and thought of how old they are compared to my sisters and how they would probably get on, and how it would be nice to have them play together. Then I thought about how close I was once upon a time with my sister and thought of the good times (there were lots as well as bad times). I think about how lonely she must be as she has little friends (she judges everyone very harshly and dislikes most people) and how she must have been grieving for mum after caring for her and then her dad died. My husband thinks I should make peace with her and I find myself sometimes agreeing. And then I think of all the resentments I have against her and do not think I can do it, i remind myself that this behaviour is not just grief, but was always there, the grief just made it 100x worse and she will always be this way and I am not sure I can ever forgive her for her appalling behaviour at a time when we all needed each other.
I just wondered if I should? Would I be opening myself up to heartbreak. Or indeed have i been unreasonable?